NC has been a rollercoaster

[Diatribes]

Going on 5 days NC. The past 2 days I felt as if things were getting better. This morning I woke up after dreaming about her and feel like I'm back on day 1.

 

I try to remind myself of all the reasons why I should be glad she's out of my life. She hurt me bad. She left me in a really bad spot when she knew I was counting on her help, and refused to help me with these things after she left. She never truly committed herself to our relationship. She left me for the abusive alcoholic that I "saved" her from. She probably cheated on me with this guy. She wasn't honest with me. She was probably using me. She doesn't seem to care how she treated me. She told me she wanted me out of her life in all aspects.

 

I know I should "get over it". I still find myself missing her and think about her way too much. I know that if we got back together, I'd resent her for what she's done. I actually started to hate her a couple days ago, and wished her unhappiness. Ultimately, I can't hold on to that because it's not my nature to harbor negative feelings towards another individual.

 

I still don't understand how she could give up on me so easily without trying to work things out. I guess I put more into our relationship and trying to fix things than she did. We weren't together for more than 3 months, living together for 20 days. The 20 days living together was when the problems started.

 

I know it takes time to heal these wounds. I just hate this process. I hate the anxiety and constant pain in my chest. I want it all to go away, but I still don't feel like I want her to go away. I'm going to remain steadfast in my decision to not contact her, but I don't know what I'll do if she contacts me. As strong as I try to be, I'm weak at the moment.

 

I have a date this weekend with a girl I met a couple days ago. While I'm excited about this, I'm not sure it's fair of me to date while having these feelings. We're meeting under the pretense of "having some fun and seeing where it goes". I'm optimistic, as she isn't still infatuated with her ex. I keep comparing her to my ex though. And while this new girl is pretty, she's not nearly as good-looking as my ex was. I imagine my ex laughing at me for dating this new girl, even though I'm far better-looking and a far better lover than the guy she left me for. Which at the end of the day, makes me feel inadequate and wondering what's so wrong with me that she chose that guy.

 

I posted on FB about my new date. I'm sure either she or her son has seen this. Her son is very cool and a good kid. I friended him on FB before my break-up. I think I may of done this with the intent of her finding out and getting jealous.

 

I feel like life is limbo at the moment. I have several issues going on besides this, and they seem to compound each other exponentially. I'm going through a checklist working on these problems. I'm not one to lay down and die, I work towards fixing issues in my life.

 

I want to get up in the morning and not think about her. I want her out of my head. I want to feel like life can be good without her. I want to quit feeling sorry for myself and having so much pity for myself. I want to regain my self-worth. I want life to be good and to be happy.

[reimeivn]

it will take a long time so be easy on yourself. you should write down all the reasons you dont want to be back to her and always be ready to write down some more.

 

please dont post anything on your fb about dating. do not. practice this one thing, and leave your romance out of it. you will need it in the future, because it is one of the few places you can go on and not feel like your ex or your gf or whoever it is on there and watch every of your moves.

 

tell you this secret, women they do go after guys who are worse looking. and worse in what they are insecure about. most women who are not mature do that. i did that too. they are not confident enough and they want to be in control of the guy, as well as not have to worry about competing with anybody for him. we women dont like chasing and competing for guy. we do think of guys as trophy, but guys have to come to us to be one of them. so dont wonder why, just know that deep down she knows she doesnt deserve you.

 

some people really just end things. they say they think a lot about it but they dont. she just think hey she wants to be with somebody else. then she hurt you. its just that simple. its not you. its her.

 

whenever you find yourself hurting over why and how could she, know that you loved, and you tried your best. and you are kind of done. she really doesnt appreciate who you are, that is the only deep down problem. and you cant change that, imagine telling a one year old to do math. some people just havent got there to get you yet.

 

woman try to be this and that but she really just think she can do better. i dont know what better she think about that guy but it doesnt matter because what better for her might not be what better for a good normal person. no matter what, we women have that kind of mindset, and some of us know that you need to stop when you get into a relationship with somebody. by then you need to put your best in. but most of us dont. lucky you are not with her anymore.

[reimeivn]

fun fact, i dated guys who are fat, bald, and didnt have any friends, and didnt even know how to dance, and they all are in their 20s.

 

there are things about them i loved, but the fact that they were kind of a loser make me feel like i dont have a problem with trust, and insecurities.

 

so hug hug hug

[Diatribes]

Day 7 of NC. I'm feeling better every day, yet I still have that constant chest pain. The mornings are the worst. I dream about her a lot, and waking up from these dreams fills me with sadness and regret. I still miss her, but she hurt me too much for me to be able to have her back in my life. If she was back with me, I'd never be able to fully trust her again. There's way too much resent on my part. This is what I keep focusing on.

 

I don't like focusing on negative emotions though. It's just not in my nature. While I'm mad at her for the way she gave up on me, and for how she was in communication with her ex that she left me for, I find it hard to hate her. I keep going back to the mistakes I made, and wondering if I'd done things differently we'd still be together.

 

Still on a rollercoaster

[Diatribes]

Now on day 5 of NC, since it was broken with a reply to an email she sent me. She was going to give me a ride to court, but my attorney pushed it. I didn't think it fair of me to not tell her as an excuse to see her, so I sent her an email simply stating "My attorney pushed my court date to October" to which she replied something like "good for you. hopefully he represents you to the fullest. good luck and take care!" I never replied back.

 

While I'm still kind of on a roller coaster, things have been getting better.

 

One thing I wanted to point out in hope that it may help others in the same situation as myself:

 

When I start to miss her and think I want to contact her or see her I think;

 

"What would my reaction be if I all of a sudden saw her pull into my driveway?"

It gives me anxiety to think of this and I would be filled with feelings of loathing and resentment, and I doubt I would be happy to see her regardless of what she said to me.

 

While this fills me with negative emotions regarding a human being, something for which I do not advocate, it definitely makes me not want to see her or have any sort of contact with her.

[xxoooo]

ugh I feel your pain that phase is painfully hard for everyone. you know..even tho u didn't do anything wrong, u got hurt and you miss ur ex so bad...and u wanna get back together and stuff.

 

there must be so many things going around in your mind. but you really have to stop. complicated chains and chains of thoughts wouldn't solve anything at this moment. of course some time you really have to think about it and come to your own conclusion but that wouldn't work at this moment for you because you just got hurt and you're very vulnerable.

 

Reflecting my experience, what you need right now is to keep NC. try to keep it at least 2 months. (i've been maintaining NC for over two months) you must feel that its too hard and you must feel like breaking NC and contacting your ex. but you really have to keep NC for a decent amount of time.....and that would give you some time to heal yourself, and that time really gives you another perspective and makes you able to start to GET OVER. you'll be surprised how your emotion is getting calm and peaceful..

 

keeping NC for last two months, i started to realize that our relationship was not as perfect as I thought, and we just didn't work for each other. and I slightly am getting this idea that the relationship i had is completely over and i feel like i'm getting ready to meet up with someone else. right now i hope my ex to be happy and i even hope he meets up with someone really nice and someday he falls in love with someone dearly.

 

hope i didn't ramble on haha...but what i just wanted to tell you is that you really have to treat yourself better......i know its hard but try and keep NC for 2 months. then you'll know how you can close the relationship and move on:) right now forget about the anger and forget about the possibility to get back together with your ex... just stay yourself away from your ex(even phone number or email address...,.picture....everything)

 

i know its hard... be strong...good luck , i do mean it xxx