orion1010 Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) I'm in a FWB situation right now and things are going well so far. No drama and everything had been kept quiet. Mutual friends don't know anything. Well last night he started texting asking me to go to his place. He started getting into some pesonal problems he's been having and said he wanted me there with him. I have never been there since we've met. He's always came to my place. When he asked for this FWB situation, he said the time and place is up to me. He was so happy to have the situation because he said there would be no drama or stirings so I agreed. Now he is upset because I don't want to drive to his place ever. I have nothing to lose keeping things on my terms and I asked him "why does it matter?" It's not like you'd have to come here all the time, only when we hook up. I told him I don't want to put effort into something, even as much as going to his place just for a hookup in the early hours of the morning and risk driving if I've had a few drinks. We live about 20 minutes apart and for me, it's to much to risk driving and drinking. by the time he texts to hookup it's usually one days im off but already hung out with friends and had a glass of wine or two. Why is this one term to the FWB situation such a big deal to him? you'd think being a guy, he would feel he has it made. no women in his place that he's not serious about and he still gets a hookup once or twice a week. Really, what is the big deal? Am i really being selfish here? If I am, I think it's ok based on the type of relationship we are in... does he have a right to be upset about this? He also asked, "why are you being mean." He thinks I'm' acting mean by stating how i feel... Edited August 3, 2011 by orion1010 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I guess I'm old-fashioned, but the guy pretty much always comes to me, whether it's for a date or a shag. I would just tell him it's my house or nothing. Is it selfish? Maybe. But we are all selfish in some ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 You should never drink and drive, period. So good for you for not doing so. However, he should also not drive to your place if he has had some to drink. If he still is expecting you to come over after you've stated you don't feel safe as you've had something to drink, then you should completely disassociate yourself with him because he's showing he doesn't care if you put yourself and other drivers in danger. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I would prefer to go to his house and leave immediately after. My house is my sanctuary; personal space is very important to me and I don’t want some dude I don’t really like coming to my house and messing up the energy. I definitely wouldn’t want him in my bed. Gross. Then I’d have to change the sheets immediately after. If he helped me change the sheets and left right after, that could work. I wouldn’t want to hang out and drink with him either, but it sounds like you like the guy enough to actually hang out and possibly have a conversation? That’s not what I would want in a FWB. Going to his house, having sex, and leaving right after would work best for me. The above probably means a FWB wouldn’t work for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 OP He is just like you. He does not think the sex is worth the 20 minute drive. How is the sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Don't go to his place. Men will do the least job to get what they want. The one woman makes him work hardest will become his wife, makes him work least will become FWB You will totally lose self respect if you go. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Slim Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 First of all, it sounds sillier than hell. It's a FWB but he wants you to "be there with him"? Second, your not wanting to make the drive EVER would likely make you an instant drop for me. I was in an 80 mile LDR where I did 90% of the driving and I didn't mind it at all, just like she didn't mind making the drive the odd weekend here and there. I grudgingly admire your haughtiness, but that would be instant drop. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Not wanting to drink and drive ...fine. The rest of this thread and some of the responses seem completely self involved. What exactly is wrong with 'If I am horny and sober I will come over and if you are horny and sober you come over'? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 If you don't have self love and respect, you don't have anything. In reality, men don't take such woman who go to his place just for sex seriously. treat her as a piece of meat. If op treats him as a piece of meat also, then it is fair I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Not wanting to drink and drive ...fine. The rest of this thread and some of the responses seem completely self involved. What exactly is wrong with 'If I am horny and sober I will come over and if you are horny and sober you come over'? I don't know, aren't FWB relationships all about being self-involved? That's what I always assumed. (I could totally be wrong.) It's basically masturbating with another person, right? (ETA: not in a literal sense obviously, but in a psychological sense; I mean you're having sex with the other person, but their personhood doesn't matter----they're just a tool to get you off.) I guess I'd say, if he really wants to have sex and see her (more than she does), he should come to her place. And if she really wants to have sex and see him (more than he does), she should go to his place. Sounds like the OP could take it or leave it and that his coming over is a condition of the arrangement. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 It's basically masturbating with another person, right? (ETA: not in a literal sense obviously, but in a psychological sense; I mean you're having sex with the other person, but their personhood doesn't matter----they're just a tool to get you off.) No, not the case for me at all. His "personhood" is a critical factor in my attraction and desire to have sex with him. If that didn't matter, I'd just use a toy. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I don't know, aren't FWB relationships all about being self-involved? That's what I always assumed. (I could totally be wrong.) It's basically masturbating with another person, right? (ETA: not in a literal sense obviously, but in a psychological sense; I mean you're having sex with the other person, but their personhood doesn't matter----they're just a tool to get you off.) I guess I'd say, if he really wants to have sex and see her (more than she does), he should come to her place. And if she really wants to have sex and see him (more than he does), she should go to his place. Sounds like the OP could take it or leave it and that his coming over is a condition of the arrangement. I don't know. If he is not relationship material , but you like the guy fine. But not even wanting to leave the house kind of makes me feel like she doesn't even like the guy. I would be annoyed if a friend never even made the effort to visit me near my place. Just seems disrespectful on a common courtesy level. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I don't get the big deal on either side. He shouldn't be upset that you don't want to come over there, I guess, but I don't get why you are so bent against going over there (aside from the drinking thing, which is smart.) Some people want reciprocity in all relationships, even casual ones. If you want to keep things on your terms, that's fine. He either will, or won't, go against it... depending on how good the sex is and whether he can get it from somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I guess I often hear women complain about dishonest men pretending to want relationships for sex and suggesting they find a fwb or be honest. Yet when they do, it seems like she is treating him poorly (like he is beneath her and she can't be bothered to do anything for sex with him). I doubt most women would approve of a guy treating a woman like this. Kind of makes me feel less sympathetic about poor behavior by men when there can't even be common decency when she has a bit more power in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I guess I often hear women complain about dishonest men pretending to want relationships for sex and suggesting they find a fwb or be honest. Yet when they do, it seems like she is treating him poorly (like he is beneath her and she can't be bothered to do anything for sex with him). I douby most women would approve of a guy treating a woman like this. Kind of makes me feel less sympathetic about poor behavior by men. Well, he is the one wanting to see her in these instances, and she is saying, "Sure, I'll see you if you come over." I guess it's different if he's like a good friend, but if I just called a casual friend and said, "Let's hang out!" and she said, "Okay, but I don't feel like coming over," I wouldn't be offended. I clearly don't understand FWBs at all though, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. A few friends of mine (male) explained it as the whole basically masturbating with another person thing. . . and that at least made sense to me. Caring about someone + having sex with them + not having feelings for them "in that way" + being attracted to them + hanging out with them = extremely confusing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
ptp Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Reading these types of threads is so frustrating. I grew up in a very conservative household and never have had a FWB type of situation. Heck I didn't even know what the acronym "FWB" meant until LS. In most of these FWB threads it is women talking about thier FWB experiences and I think back to opportunities missed:(. All this talk is driving me nuts, I need to stop opening these threads. (BTW in my mind all the ladies of LS are all attractive, just my type and happen to live in the same city as me ). Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 At some level the partners in a FWB relationship have some feelings for each other so they may eventually end up with disagreements or even jealousy. The other day a woman in this forum was thinking about demanding exclusivity in a FWB scenario. The concept of lending one's body so a woman can use it to masturbate is bizarre. But, maybe that is the ultimate FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Sex benefits men more than women when the sex is out of marriage. when women have sex, they produce more bond-chemical than men do; when women accidently get pregnant, it is they who bear the baby and the pain to abort it. In either case, men just walk away without a scratch. That is why it is not a wise thing to do the FWB which is a device that horny men invented to deceive women. And these men don't think of your emotional, physical well-being. It sounds like a good time to kill the loneliness and horniness, but in the end it will make you feel more lonely and in danger of losing self-respect Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 But not even wanting to leave the house kind of makes me feel like she doesn't even like the guy. I would be annoyed if a friend never even made the effort to visit me near my place. Just seems disrespectful on a common courtesy level. I also don't make a habit of opening doors for men, buying the condoms, asking men out on dates, and a dozen other things that I've been socialized as a female to let the man do. I'm a '70s child, so I'm probably a little more old-fashioned than a lot of the 20-somethings on this forum, and I'm fine with that. To me, it's a simple matter of supply and demand. I could have my choice of dozens of sexy, good-looking men in my bed tonight, so I have quite an impressive supply. Not many men can say the same, so if they're getting awesome, no-strings sex, they're probably going to need to exert the effort of getting to the woman's place. I guess I often hear women complain about dishonest men pretending to want relationships for sex and suggesting they find a fwb or be honest. Yet when they do, it seems like she is treating him poorly (like he is beneath her and she can't be bothered to do anything for sex with him). When I had FWBs, I treated them with respect and did plenty of things for their enjoyment and mine -- but going to their place was not one of them. My last FWB wanted to come over and make dinner one evening. I was cool with that, because I love to cook and knew the company would be good. I was thinking we'd cook together, but he said he's not much of a cook and asked me if I would do the cooking. I said sure, if you'll pick up the ingredients on your way over and do the dishes after. He did both happily, and we had a great dinner. He could have said no. (BTW in my mind all the ladies of LS are all attractive, just my type and happen to live in the same city as me ). You're in Chicago, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 That is why it is not a wise thing to do the FWB which is a device that horny men invented to deceive women. And these men don't think of your emotional, physical well-being. It sounds like a good time to kill the loneliness and horniness, but in the end it will make you feel more lonely and in danger of losing self-respect I don't agree. The only drawback to the FWB relationships I have had is the guy's emotional reactions and frustration about me not wanting more than sex and fun with him. But other than that, I had a wonderful time, and I'm pretty sure I will always remember these experiences fondly. They were fun, sexy, and enjoyable in every way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I don't agree. The only drawback to the FWB relationships I have had is the guy's emotional reactions and frustration about me not wanting more than sex and fun with him. But other than that, I had a wonderful time, and I'm pretty sure I will always remember these experiences fondly. They were fun, sexy, and enjoyable in every way. I guess you beat over the bond-chemical thing that science proved, not sure it is a good thing or bad thing. People can be in severe denial Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Why is it that some women these days shout from the rooftops about breaking traditions and gender roles but when it comes to the things that benefit them or require them to put in any effort they are all of a sudden living in the 1950s again? When I had a FWB she usually came to my place but maybe it was because I had a nicer place. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I guess you beat over the bond-chemical thing that science proved, not sure it is a good thing or bad thing. People can be in severe denial Yeah, I have learned as much as I can about these chemical reactions. When you understand it, you can choose how to handle it. Sure, I felt the desire to bond with and attach to him. And I did so in small doses. But I made sure that in the big picture, my reason stayed sharper and stronger than my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Why is it that some women these days shout from the rooftops about breaking traditions and gender roles but when it comes to the things that benefit them or require them to put in any effort they are all of a sudden living in the 1950s again? You can be traditional in some ways and modern in others. Most people are. Some are more traditional, and some more modern -- but most of us have a mix of these qualities. For example, my last bf was very quick to help with "woman's work" -- cleaning, dishes, whatever. But he was extremely traditional when it came to driving the car (he insisted on driving every single time, which was fine with me), navigating social situations (he was the leader, a maestro), initiating sex. He would not easily bend on any of those things, and many other masculine behaviors. And that's fine. Each person adapts the style that works best for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 You can be traditional in some ways and modern in others. Most people are. Some are more traditional, and some more modern -- but most of us have a mix of these qualities. For example, my last bf was very quick to help with "woman's work" -- cleaning, dishes, whatever. But he was extremely traditional when it came to driving the car (he insisted on driving every single time, which was fine with me), navigating social situations (he was the leader, a maestro), initiating sex. He would not easily bend on any of those things, and many other masculine behaviors. And that's fine. Each person adapts the style that works best for them. True but it's very convenient how some women are only traditional with things that benefit them. Link to post Share on other sites
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