Lovelybird Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Yeah, I have learned as much as I can about these chemical reactions. When you understand it, you can choose how to handle it. Sure, I felt the desire to bond with and attach to him. And I did so in small doses. But I made sure that in the big picture, my reason stayed sharper and stronger than my feelings. If you had the desire to bond with him, and he wanted more, then why didn't you allow it happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 If you had the desire to bond with him, and he wanted more, then why didn't you allow it happen? Because he had a couple of things about him that were deal-breakers for me, as far as a relationship goes. He just wasn't on my level. But he was sexy, fun, and very sexually desirable. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 True but it's very convenient how some women are only traditional with things that benefit them. Most people do what benefits them. Why wouldn't they? I'm happy to discuss some specific examples, but I think your generalization is too... general. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Most people do what benefits them. Why wouldn't they? I'm happy to discuss some specific examples, but I think your generalization is too... general. True but with everything else equality has pros and cons and don't blame men when we want to give up the traditions that did not benefit us. If a person wants to be traditional they should do their part as well. A woman shouting about how independent she is then demanding a man be traditional just sounds ridiculous to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 IAm i really being selfish here? If I am, I think it's ok based on the type of relationship we are in... does he have a right to be upset about this? He also asked, "why are you being mean." He thinks I'm' acting mean by stating how i feel... Are you being selfish? Is that a rhetorical question?? Supposedly, this FWB "relationship" benefits both if you, so it's not like you're doing him a favor. Why should he be the one to always spend money on gas, not to mention spend the time driving over to your place? The "unselfish" thing would be to alternate. Link to post Share on other sites
ptp Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 You're in Chicago, yes? hhahha yup, I live in the west Loop, I guess it is a small world after all. But seriously Ruby, you gotta stop trying to flirt with me if my GF sees this she is going to pissed :lmao:. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 But seriously Ruby, you gotta stop trying to flirt with me if my GF sees this she is going to pissed :lmao:. Oh, I didn't know that you have a gf. I am willing to fight for you. (kidding ) Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 This guy obviously does not know a good thing when he's got one. If he's not willing to make the drive, just as a point of courtesy to you, so that he can have NSA sex with a beautiful and willing woman, then you may find it is no longer convenient for you to engage in FWB with him. My 2c. Link to post Share on other sites
ptp Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Oh, I didn't know that you have a gf. I am willing to fight for you. (kidding ) fight for me? So when you say "looks don't matter" you REALLY mean it huh? Just because my GF has a closet full of clothes from Petite Sophisticated and Ann Taylor Petite, it doesn't mean she's just going to lay down. She is feisty Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 To me, it's a simple matter of supply and demand. I could have my choice of dozens of sexy, good-looking men in my bed tonight, so I have quite an impressive supply. Not many men can say the same, so if they're getting awesome, no-strings sex, they're probably going to need to exert the effort of getting to the woman's place. This is bascially what it comes down to in majority of FWBs. The power is with the woman, she grants them not the man. As a result it is on her terms for the most, with hot looking guy (or a guy better than what she would get for a LTR). I personally don't think there is anything wrong for the guy to want some 2 way effort in the casual relationship. You would expect the woman is getting off on the sex just as much as he is, but I expect in most FWBs the woman dictates the terms of the arrangment like Ruby, though if she gets attached the dynamics slowly change over time. One guy I know has one of his FWBs do his laundry + shopping sometimes and another one pre-cooks some of his meals for the week. 'Supposedly' both single mothers both know they are not the only woman in his life. Not driving to his place because you may have had too much to drink is absolutely the right thing, dont feel guilty over this. As for other times, I do think its a bit selfish but I assume you can go without longer than him, so you can have it on your terms. As another guy pointed out 20min drive for some sex with a sexy woman is not a huge demand to overcome and if he's drunk/stoned when he wants it too bad he should have planned it out better or can get a taxi. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Are you being selfish? Is that a rhetorical question?? Supposedly, this FWB "relationship" benefits both if you, so it's not like you're doing him a favor. Why should he be the one to always spend money on gas, not to mention spend the time driving over to your place? The "unselfish" thing would be to alternate. Exactly. There's nothing in the nature of an FWB relationship dictating that the woman should get preferential treatment in any way. I've managed to get into those situations without having to do everything at the mercy of my f*** buddies. There are plenty of ways to engage in said relationships without succumbing to what Ruby Slippers called supply and demand. It just comes down to learning how to not be a sucker. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I'm in a FWB situation right now and things are going well so far. No drama and everything had been kept quiet. Mutual friends don't know anything. Well last night he started texting asking me to go to his place. He started getting into some pesonal problems he's been having and said he wanted me there with him. I have never been there since we've met. He's always came to my place. When he asked for this FWB situation, he said the time and place is up to me. He was so happy to have the situation because he said there would be no drama or stirings so I agreed. Now he is upset because I don't want to drive to his place ever. I have nothing to lose keeping things on my terms and I asked him "why does it matter?" It's not like you'd have to come here all the time, only when we hook up. I told him I don't want to put effort into something, even as much as going to his place just for a hookup in the early hours of the morning and risk driving if I've had a few drinks. We live about 20 minutes apart and for me, it's to much to risk driving and drinking. by the time he texts to hookup it's usually one days im off but already hung out with friends and had a glass of wine or two. Why is this one term to the FWB situation such a big deal to him? you'd think being a guy, he would feel he has it made. no women in his place that he's not serious about and he still gets a hookup once or twice a week. Really, what is the big deal? Am i really being selfish here? If I am, I think it's ok based on the type of relationship we are in... does he have a right to be upset about this? He also asked, "why are you being mean." He thinks I'm' acting mean by stating how i feel... hey guess what, he's not some poor date/boyfriend you're stringing along, it's just a FWB arrangement. and yeah, you do have something to lose by being a selfish brat, your FWB arrangement! you think he won't stop showing up as much as you want him to if you try to treat him like you own him? grow up, if you're old enough to have a FWB relationship you're old enough to not be daddy's little princess anymore. i know this may be hard to swallow for someone who is apparently so selfish, but you don't have any control, so there's no control to maintain. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Well, he is the one wanting to see her in these instances, and she is saying, "Sure, I'll see you if you come over." I guess it's different if he's like a good friend, but if I just called a casual friend and said, "Let's hang out!" and she said, "Okay, but I don't feel like coming over," I wouldn't be offended. I clearly don't understand FWBs at all though, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. A few friends of mine (male) explained it as the whole basically masturbating with another person thing. . . and that at least made sense to me. Caring about someone + having sex with them + not having feelings for them "in that way" + being attracted to them + hanging out with them = extremely confusing to me. It would be fine if she said that. However, what she is saying is that she will never see him if he does not come over. Would you want to be friends with someone if they said that they would only EVER see you if it was not an inconvenience to them and you came over? I also don't make a habit of opening doors for men, buying the condoms, asking men out on dates, and a dozen other things that I've been socialized as a female to let the man do. I'm a '70s child, so I'm probably a little more old-fashioned than a lot of the 20-somethings on this forum, and I'm fine with that. To me, it's a simple matter of supply and demand. I could have my choice of dozens of sexy, good-looking men in my bed tonight, so I have quite an impressive supply. Not many men can say the same, so if they're getting awesome, no-strings sex, they're probably going to need to exert the effort of getting to the woman's place. See this is where you lose me. It is about how you treat others when you are in the position of power that defines character. By saying that is supply and demand..too bad for men, I lose respect for your character and find less fault in men for choosing to deceive. If this is how a woman chooses to treat a man in fwb, I don't blame him for lying about a relationship, using, and dropping a girl to get decent treatment. After all, all he is doing is swinging the laws of supply and demand the other way as more women want relationships. As long as he is getting his selfish needs met it should not matter. There is no contract (or marriage) stopping this behavior. It is all down to ethics and how we treat others. So, for all the women who condone this behavior, that is fine. Just do not expect sympathy the next time you are used and dropped or cheated on by a guy. He was simply getting his needs met and that is all that is important apparently. Edited August 4, 2011 by Sanman Link to post Share on other sites
Eclypse Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 See this is where you lose me. It is about how you treat others when you are in the position of power that defines character. By saying that is supply and demand..too bad for men, I lose respect for your character and find less fault in men for choosing to deceive. If this is how a woman chooses to treat a man in fwb, I don't blame him for lying about a relationship, using, and dropping a girl to get decent treatment. After all, all he is doing is swinging the laws of supply and demand the other way as more women want relationships. As long as he is getting his selfish needs met it should not matter. There is no contract (or marriage) stopping this behavior. It is all down to ethics and how we treat others. So, for all the women who condone this behavior, that is fine. Just do not expect sympathy the next time you are used and dropped or cheated on by a guy. He was simply getting his needs met and that is all that is important apparently. Agree 100%. When you view something that should be sexy and fun for both people involved as a power struggle for your ego you lose any sympathy from me. You'd hope by 34 you'd matured a bit. OP the drinking and driving thing is fine but the other excuses are weak. Such self entitlement I am amazed to see. My guess is this guy sniffed you out and got sick of you. He's changing it to his terms now and is probably going to find someone else soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 It is about how you treat others when you are in the position of power that defines character. For the record, I don't make a habit of driving to a boyfriend's house to pick him up for dates, either. 98% of the time, the guy comes to me. I have never had a single complaint about this, by the way -- not from a boyfriend, and not from a FWB. The boyfriends have seemed happy to come get me and take me out on a great date, and the FWBs showed up looking happy and excited for some fun. So clearly, every one of them has thought it's worth it, has felt that what he gets in return justifies the trouble of coming to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanman Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 For the record, I don't make a habit of driving to a boyfriend's house to pick him up for dates, either. 98% of the time, the guy comes to me. I have never had a single complaint about this, by the way -- not from a boyfriend, and not from a FWB. The boyfriends have seemed happy to come get me and take me out on a great date, and the FWBs showed up looking happy and excited for some fun. So clearly, every one of them has thought it's worth it, has felt that what he gets in return justifies the trouble of coming to me. This is a bit of a straw man. Of course the guy may never admit it, he does not want to mess up a good thing. You already mentioned it is easier for you to replace them if they bother you. All you have proven here is that these men may not have wanted to mention this because causing a problem would lead to greater losses for them. Does not make it right. For years women never complained about abuse because a man could walk away with all the money. Does not mean she had no problem being abused. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 For years women never complained about abuse because a man could walk away with all the money. Does not mean she had no problem being abused. So, let me get this straight. You think it's abusive to tell a FWB that I will only see him if we get together at my place? As I see it, if he doesn't like that, he's free to drop me and find another FWB who will come to him. But in any case, no boyfriend or FWB has even asked me to come to him. Not once. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Oh I don't get why a woman would say "I have many more options than men do". Lots of men have many options and many women to choose from, too. Plus if you're in an FWB you really don't know who else is in the picture with the FWB guy. You can say you "agreed" to "exclusivity" with the FWB but you're very naive that a guy who just wants you for sex is honest with you about that. I know you're confident and sure that there are no other FWBs in the picture but you truly don't really know that when you see him if he just got done screwing some other woman the day before (or even the same day.) Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Oh I don't get why a woman would say "I have many more options than men do". Lots of men have many options and many women to choose from, too. Sure. But it is a simple fact that your average woman has a much easier time getting no-strings sex than your average man does. Most women on this board could have a sexy man in their bed within an hour. How many men can say the same? Plus if you're in an FWB you really don't know who else is in the picture with the FWB guy. It's true, there are no guarantees -- not with FWB, dating relationships, or marriages. But there is intuition and reason, and I trust mine to give me pretty good information. Link to post Share on other sites
Author orion1010 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 This guy obviously does not know a good thing when he's got one. If he's not willing to make the drive, just as a point of courtesy to you, so that he can have NSA sex with a beautiful and willing woman, then you may find it is no longer convenient for you to engage in FWB with him. My 2c. Not to sound full of myself, but I can have my choice of men anytime. This was his idea and not mine. I don't think it's too much to ask to come to my place b/c he's getting what a lot of men dream of. NSA sex with me, a beautiful woman. He admited that it would be perfect. This is why I don't understand that this one term is such a big deal? My house.. my terms.... other than that, great sex with a beautiful woman for him. What's the big deal?? Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Not to sound full of myself, but I can have my choice of men anytime. This was his idea and not mine. I don't think it's too much to ask to come to my place b/c he's getting what a lot of men dream of. Then ditch him and find a new guy. Problem solved. This whole thread just gave me the creeps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author orion1010 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 hey guess what, he's not some poor date/boyfriend you're stringing along, it's just a FWB arrangement. and yeah, you do have something to lose by being a selfish brat, your FWB arrangement! you think he won't stop showing up as much as you want him to if you try to treat him like you own him? grow up, if you're old enough to have a FWB relationship you're old enough to not be daddy's little princess anymore. i know this may be hard to swallow for someone who is apparently so selfish, but you don't have any control, so there's no control to maintain. thanks for your response.. I'm far from a princess who walks around with my nose in the air. me and this guy dated.. he admitted to really having feelings for me then. a few months pass, he says no feelings and asks for FWB. he says my terms.. anytime and place. I called him on that when suddenly always coming to my place is a problem. I don't have anything to lose b/c as ruby slippers has stated, it's much easier for me to get it than for him from someone else. It's just fact. A woman can have a different man in her bed every night of the week if she wanted to. I don't think I'm being imature at all but i feel as though he has more to lose than me, so i can call the shots when it comes to this one little thing. I'm asking nothing else form him what-so-ever. As for the chemicals and bonding thing.. im pretty sure the woman must orgasam for that to take place. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not getting that from him to top it off so no bonding on my part. Regardless, I still enjoy the sex and chose him for certain qualities. I think it takes a man getting to know a womans particualr body in order for him to make her orgasam on a regular basis. every woman is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author orion1010 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Then ditch him and find a new guy. Problem solved. This whole thread just gave me the creeps. lol, why the creeps? I don't want to just ditch him if I can have my way and have him come to my place. this is the only rule i really have. I prefer regular sex from the same person than from multiple people. We have an agreement that if we sleep with anyone else to tell the person for std reasons. so for now, we are exclusive FWB. Letting the other person know we are with someone else gives that person to either walk away or take the risk of an increased chance of an std. We've talked about risks before hand Link to post Share on other sites
Author orion1010 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) Oh I don't get why a woman would say "I have many more options than men do". Lots of men have many options and many women to choose from, too. Plus if you're in an FWB you really don't know who else is in the picture with the FWB guy. You can say you "agreed" to "exclusivity" with the FWB but you're very naive that a guy who just wants you for sex is honest with you about that. I know you're confident and sure that there are no other FWBs in the picture but you truly don't really know that when you see him if he just got done screwing some other woman the day before (or even the same day.) I've read a study recently and it stated that 66% of men get 88% of woman preggers.. that to me says that more women then men have the choice to knock boots. You're right why you say I have no idea what he's doing with his day. But on the flip side, he also has no idea what i've been doing. But if you want to get into the risks of sex... even a womans husband can be a carrier of say... herpes and never know it until years later. 10 year later, you both wake up and have an outbreak.. anytime you have sex there is a risk.. Me and my FWB guy were responsible enough to discuss this and came to agreements and at the same time, we practice safe sex. yes.. i know that safe sex in never 100%... but we are taking responsibility up front I guess is what I'm trying to say. Thank you for your feedback. Edited August 4, 2011 by orion1010 spelling blah! Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 This is a matter of supply and demand. The guy can get out of the relationship whenever he wants if he doesnt like it. Link to post Share on other sites
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