FWB situation. his place or mine? am i being selfish?

[orion1010]

This is a matter of supply and demand.

 

The guy can get out of the relationship whenever he wants if he doesnt like it.

 

 

ahhh.. yes.. economics.. this is what I majored in.

 

Anywho... because he has not walked away with my terms would indicate that his supply is limited.

 

ok.. just being sassy now. tee hee

[MrNate]

Hmm.. not sure why he's upset. I mean it's just FWB. It's not like you two owe each other anything anyway. Not sure what he has made, it's just sex. If he won $1,000,000- Then hell yeah, he has it made.

 

I mean if he is not really feeling the terms anymore, might as well leave, I would. I think there's way too many people in this world for him to get upset over something like this, lol.

 

And as far as the female side of this goes, as you stated earlier, you should have a large supply of ass, so why are you getting caught up over something as trivial as this? Just get another guy, establish the terms once again. Wham, bam, thank you sir.

[Sanman]

So, let me get this straight. You think it's abusive to tell a FWB that I will only see him if we get together at my place?

 

As I see it, if he doesn't like that, he's free to drop me and find another FWB who will come to him.

 

But in any case, no boyfriend or FWB has even asked me to come to him. Not once.

 

 

No, I simply believe that it is unfair and that you have heard no complaints simply because you are in the position of power and man knows he would have fewer choices if he made this an issue and you dropped him. It does not mean he was happy about it.

 

 

Orion,

 

Given the fact that you seem to suggest that the sex is not very good for you, I fail to see why you continue the relationship. The only thing I can figure is that you like the attention and knowing that he really liked (s) you when you clearly feel indifferent toward him. Grow up, stop whining about it, and drop him if it too much of a bother. You clearly have no issue with the selfishness as you rationalize it away several times. That he is getting something out of it is not the point. You are also getting something out of it (supposedly). Stop acting like he is so easily replaceable and having sex with you is such a gift, you aren't that special.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Sanman

[zengirl]

It would be fine if she said that. However, what she is saying is that she will never see him if he does not come over. Would you want to be friends with someone if they said that they would only EVER see you if it was not an inconvenience to them and you came over?

 

Probably not actual friends, but I might hang out with them on occasion if I was bored or they brought something to the table etc etc etc, which is essentially the level of "friendship" you'll see in an average FWB from my observation. I guess some people have said they care about their FWBs as people (which still seems REALLY confusing to me), but I don't think it's a requirement of a FWB situation. So: the OP is essentially using this guy for sex and allowing him to do the same, but she's only willing to do so on her terms? Is there anything inherently wrong in that? She's not tricking him, she's under no obligation to care for him as she would a sincere friend or relationship partner, and she's already stated her terms.

 

I don't see anything wrong with it, and, in fact, I think having clear terms would make sense with a FWB. How else would people keep from getting attached and confusing it with a relationship?

 

If they were actually dating, I'd be 100% on board with saying she's being selfish and ridiculous. But a FWB isn't dating.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I must be the odd one out. I would much, much rather go to guy's place than have him come to mine. I feel like I have more freedom that way and can leave when I want to.

 

As for FWBs/NSA sex, I feel like most women can swing their handbag and hit 10 guys to have casual sex with. Most men can't (except for the hottest of the hot). When it comes to LTRs - the situation is reversed (I believe that men in general have an easier time finding women to be in a LTR with, simply because most women are relationship oriented).

[zengirl]

I must be the odd one out. I would much, much rather go to guy's place than have him come to mine. I feel like I have more freedom that way and can leave when I want to.

 

As for FWBs/NSA sex, I feel like most women can swing their handbag and hit 10 guys to have casual sex with. Most men can't (except for the hottest of the hot). When it comes to LTRs - the situation is reversed (I believe that men in general have an easier time finding women to be in a LTR with, simply because most women are relationship oriented).

 

I've never considered it. . . if I had a FWB, I'd be split---on the one hand, I wouldn't want the dude in my house, but on the other hand, I'd have to be drunk and getting home would be a difficulty. Yet another reason I'll never have a FWB. But at any rate ES, I think a few other females have said they'd rather go there. . . I think the question of the thread is more, "Can she make this rule? Or is it selfish?" and to me, the answer to both questions is: Yes, but why wouldn't she be selfish in a FWB situation?

 

To the bolded. . . I think that's pretty much it, and I'd also add the woman (whether she feels it herself or not) has more a "shame" factor in a FWB. If people find out she has a FWB, more people are going to judge the woman than the man (some will judge both, some will judge neither), so if we're talking double standards. . . well, when that shame standard goes away I'll start feeling sorry for guys. Not before.

[Sanman]

Probably not actual friends, but I might hang out with them on occasion if I was bored or they brought something to the table etc etc etc, which is essentially the level of "friendship" you'll see in an average FWB from my observation. I guess some people have said they care about their FWBs as people (which still seems REALLY confusing to me), but I don't think it's a requirement of a FWB situation. So: the OP is essentially using this guy for sex and allowing him to do the same, but she's only willing to do so on her terms? Is there anything inherently wrong in that? She's not tricking him, she's under no obligation to care for him as she would a sincere friend or relationship partner, and she's already stated her terms.

 

I don't see anything wrong with it, and, in fact, I think having clear terms would make sense with a FWB. How else would people keep from getting attached and confusing it with a relationship?

 

If they were actually dating, I'd be 100% on board with saying she's being selfish and ridiculous. But a FWB isn't dating.

 

 

This isn't some guy she found off the street. She used to date this guy. While you don't have to do relationship stuff, I think this goes beyond not hainvg feelings. She really evidences no consideration for this guy at all as I'd her mere existence is doing him a favor. I wonder if this is how she treated him when they were dating?

[AlexDP]

Don't go to his place.

 

Men will do the least job to get what they want. The one woman makes him work hardest will become his wife, makes him work least will become FWB

 

You will totally lose self respect if you go.

 

See. This is why recently there have been a lot of threads about she sense of entitlement women have. If I was ever dating you, I'd drop you over this. Within seconds by the way.

[Sanman]

Since I cannot edit:

 

 

This makes my point though. If she treats a guy like this for fwb, but is decent in a relationship I would not blame a guy for lying about wanting to date her. Who would want to be treated this way? You can't say you want a man to be honest and then treat him poorly if he is honest and the situation changes to one where she has more power.

[zengirl]

This isn't some guy she found off the street. She used to date this guy. While you don't have to do relationship stuff, I think this goes beyond not hainvg feelings. She really evidences no consideration for this guy at all as I'd her mere existence is doing him a favor. I wonder if this is how she treated him when they were dating?

 

I'm not familiar with the OP's other threads and didn't see that in the OP. Is that info from another thread?

 

At any way. . . I'd say that MOST FWB situations I see post-relationship are because the guy didn't want to really commit to the relationship. If that was the case, I'd say she DEFINITELY shouldn't go out of her way or do anything nice for him; now, if she broke it off, that's another story. But a lot of FWB situations I've seen are a guy basically trying to get relationship stuff (not just sex but the support and affection) without committing.

 

I think it's actually really a bad idea (based on the fact that they seem to screw with people's minds) to FWB with someone you dated and especially to not draw strong boundaries if you do. I would say that's even a better reason for her to be selfish in the dynamic.

[zengirl]

Since I cannot edit:

 

 

This makes my point though. If she treats a guy like this for fwb, but is decent in a relationship I would not blame a guy for lying about wanting to date her. Who would want to be treated this way? You can't say you want a man to be honest and then treat him poorly if he is honest and the situation changes to one where she has more power.

 

Well, of course, you get better treatment in a relationship! But you also have to give and invest more. It's the emotional version of "You get what you pay for."

[Sanman]

I'm not familiar with the OP's other threads and didn't see that in the OP. Is that info from another thread?

 

At any way. . . I'd say that MOST FWB situations I see post-relationship are because the guy didn't want to really commit to the relationship. If that was the case, I'd say she DEFINITELY shouldn't go out of her way or do anything nice for him; now, if she broke it off, that's another story. But a lot of FWB situations I've seen are a guy basically trying to get relationship stuff (not just sex but the support and affection) without committing.

 

I think it's actually really a bad idea (based on the fact that they seem to screw with people's minds) to FWB with someone you dated and especially to not draw strong boundaries if you do. I would say that's even a better reason for her to be selfish in the dynamic.

 

Post 49 in this thread mentions they dated. Not sure who broke up with whom. However, she mentions him admitting to feelings for her.

 

Agreed you get more in a relationship for more investment, but asking for a bit of equality is not asking much. I would expect way more out of a relationship. Bottom line, make it such a poor deal and you give men incentive to lie. The most successful conquerors in history realized that treating those with less power benevolently led to everyone being happier. The issue I have here is that women expect men to play fair and equal (or even expect benefits) when they have the power, but don't espouse equality when the power is in the woman's hands.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Sanman

[zengirl]

Post 49 in this thread mentions they dated. Not sure who broke up with whom. However, she mentions him admitting to feelings for her.

 

Agreed you get more in a relationship for more investment, but asking for a bit of equality is not asking much. I would expect way more out of a relationship. Bottom line, make it such a poor deal and you give men incentive to lie. The most successful conquerors in history realized that treating those with less power benevolently led to everyone being happier. The issue I have here is that women expect men to play fair and equal (or even expect benefits) when they have the power, but don't espouse equality when the power is in the woman's hands.

 

Equality does always not mean "the same."

 

They both have equal rights to assert terms or terminate the arrangement; they approached this as equals.

 

I do expect people to treat me as legally and socially equal to any man; that doesn't mean I expect to point to a man and say, "I deserve what he has." I just deserve the right to seek it and not be legally hindered by my gender.

 

And again, there's the shame issue. When people stop judging women for having sex differently than they judge men, then I'd say I'll start feeling sorry for men whining about women not treating you as nicely in a FWB. Till then, I just think they look stupid.

[Sanman]

Equality does always not mean "the same."

 

They both have equal rights to assert terms or terminate the arrangement; they approached this as equals.

 

I do expect people to treat me as legally and socially equal to any man; that doesn't mean I expect to point to a man and say, "I deserve what he has." I just deserve the right to seek it and not be legally hindered by my gender.

 

And again, there's the shame issue. When people stop judging women for having sex differently than they judge men, then I'd say I'll start feeling sorry for men whining about women not treating you as nicely in a FWB. Till then, I just think they look stupid.

 

In NYC, there is very little judgement of either gender. Honestly though, a lack of compassion puts me in a 'do what you have to' mindset and makes me not feel bad if men use women. Afterall, they simply should have been a better judge of character. A lack of compassion can go both ways.

[thatone]

She really evidences no consideration for this guy at all as I'd her mere existence is doing him a favor. I wonder if this is how she treated him when they were dating?

 

do you really need to ask that?

[zengirl]

In NYC, there is very little judgement of either gender. Honestly though, a lack of compassion puts me in a 'do what you have to' mindset and makes me not feel bad if men use women. Afterall, they simply should have been a better judge of character. A lack of compassion can go both ways.

 

I have no problem if men do what she's doing as well --- I don't agree with equating it with lying. She's setting boundaries. If a man wants a FWB and one of his boundaries is, "You have to come over to my place," that's HIS right as well IMO and it's the woman's right to turn it down, if she wants it less than him.

[Sanman]

I have no problem if men do what she's doing as well --- I don't agree with equating it with lying. She's setting boundaries. If a man wants a FWB and one of his boundaries is, "You have to come over to my place," that's HIS right as well IMO and it's the woman's right to turn it down, if she wants it less than him.

 

 

See this is where we disagree. Prior to equal employment laws, white men said the same thing. That anyone could assert their right to apply for a job, but we know it was harder for an equally qualified minority/woman to attain the same job. It often still is in the upper echelons of business that is a boys' club. In the same way, there is a power differential in the relationship and, thus, the person in the position of power should be a bit more considerate of the other. If others disagree, that is fine. However, in that case, I don't see any problem with a guy doing what he has to change the differential of power.

[zengirl]

See this is where we disagree. Prior to equal employment laws, white men said the same thing. That anyone could assert their right to apply for a job, but we know it was harder for an equally qualified minority/woman to attain the same job. It often still is in the upper echelons of business that is a boys' club. In the same way, there is a power differential in the relationship and, thus, the person in the position of power should be a bit more considerate of the other. If others disagree, that is fine. However, in that case, I don't see any problem with a guy doing what he has to change the differential of power.

 

This is insane. So you think it's cool for minorities to lie on their resumes to get jobs? Even if they're unqualified and can't do the job or won't follow the job description? Go for it -- you're a minority, so just lie to everyone?

 

Who you choose to hire should be based on who's best for the job. A job can, however, post any requirements in it that they wish, such as "You must come to the job site to work."

 

Who you choose to sleep with should be based purely on who you want to sleep with. And you can put in any requirements you wish. And anyone can turn it down.

[Sanman]

This is insane. So you think it's cool for minorities to lie on their resumes to get jobs? Even if they're unqualified and can't do the job or won't follow the job description? Go for it -- you're a minority, so just lie to everyone?

 

Who you choose to hire should be based on who's best for the job. A job can, however, post any requirements in it that they wish, such as "You must come to the job site to work."

 

Who you choose to sleep with should be based purely on who you want to sleep with. And you can put in any requirements you wish. And anyone can turn it down.

 

Now, no it is not alright to lie because there are more laws and standards to ensure equality. However, was it okay to lie in decades past to be on equal footing? I'm not so sure it was not. Women have lied about gender and minorities about their religion or race. Read the Human Stain by Philip Roth.

 

What is ridiculous is the number of women who believe that their vaginas are filled with fairy dust and men should do whatever they want if they are to get a taste of said fairy dust.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Sanman

[zengirl]

Now, no it is not alright to lie because there are more laws and standards to ensure equality. However, was it okay to lie in decades past to be on equal footing? I'm not so sure it was not. Women have lied about gender and minorities about their religion or race. Read the Human Stain by Philip Roth.

 

What is ridiculous is the number of women who believe that their vaginas are filled with fairy dust and men should do whatever they want if they are to get a taste of said fairy dust.

 

I think "passing" is a different thing, as being legally discriminated against is not the same as saying, "I'm not so eager to have sex with you that I'll drive to your house for it." (Which ANYONE is allowed to say.)

 

I don't know whether the OP thinks her vag has fairy dust in it, though it is certainly a ridiculous thought.

 

Here's how *I* think about it:

 

The OP wants a FWB situation, but only with the conditional terms that she doesn't have to drive to get it, and if that conditional term is not met, she'd rather do without. How is that objectionable? How is she required to conform to anyone else's conditional terms? How is anyone else required to conform to hers? Her FWB partner, if this is a dealbreaker, should simply refuse her term and end the situation. If it's not a dealbreaker for her, but it is for him, she'll meet his terms.

 

I don't think there's any fairy dust involved, and if driving to her house is too much trouble, FWB guy should say, "Bye bye" to her.

[orion1010]

more evidence that theres an entitlement class of females. females feel the world is owed to them and their purpose is to use males. i cant believe the sh it im reading here.

 

I could turn this around on him too. He may feel a sense entitlement to me because we've had a history. Our brief datiing history ended in a bad way and he decides to ask me for FWB and agrees to anyplace whichI decided is mine and now he's trying to change the rules.

 

We had boudries set in place from the beginning, I'm not budging on these things or it could get messy. Maybe he feels a sense of entitlement because he's trying to have things his way now. Trying to change the rules. After reading all the responses. Maybe he feels I owe him.

 

I know there are no feelings on either side. I'm not falling for him and he promised he had none for me in that way before we got into this.

 

Now that he's gotten this far, he feels entitled to change the rules and expects me to go for it. I'm not going to even if it means less sex for me.

[orion1010]

Agree 100%. When you view something that should be sexy and fun for both people involved as a power struggle for your ego you lose any sympathy from me. You'd hope by 34 you'd matured a bit.

 

OP the drinking and driving thing is fine but the other excuses are weak. Such self entitlement I am amazed to see. My guess is this guy sniffed you out and got sick of you. He's changing it to his terms now and is probably going to find someone else soon.

 

 

I don't understand the idea of me or any woman setting rules in a FWB relationship has a sense of self entitlement, feel like the man owes them, or the woman has an ego problem. In my experience and talking with friends, women almost never have an ego problem in any relationship but the men do. This characterisitic is more common in a man.

 

We are not friends in the way conventional friends are. We use each other for sex. So how has he "sniffed me out, and sick of me?" When we are together, things are fun and we are in good company while he's here. I'm not abusive to him in anyway or talk down to him. I treat him with respect. I'm not sure why some people have thought this on this thread.

 

I don't understand why men think that women think they have all the power?? HE can walk away at anytime and so can I so the power is equal when it really comes down to it. He can try to change the rules and so can I but either of us may not agree. He's just trying to be as lazy as possible for the most benefits and so am I.

 

In a real relationship, I'm much different and believe that everything is 50/50. Respect, love, honesty and giving. Women in this situation don't walk around thinking to themselves "I'm on top of the world with all this pussy power. I have him in the palm of my hand. I can make him do anything. Watch out for my ego, it may slap you in the face." I think it comes down to getting the most for your money so to speak. Doing the least amount of work for what benefits you. This is what he's trying to do and I'm pushing back to ensure I get the same in a FWB relationship.

[Hot Chick]

Who cares? You're using each other for human sex toys. You are nothing more than an unpaid prostitute. I'm surprised this thread has gone on as long as it has. Why does it matter who drives where? The only thing relevant in this thread is that no one drive under the influence and put others on the road in danger.

[Casablanca]

I don't understand why men think that women think they have all the power??

Because women have exclusive control of the world's vagina supplies

[MrNate]

Because women have exclusive control of the world's vagina supplies

 

Nope.

 

Has nothing to do with women or their vaginas.

 

It has to do with the simple fact that: most men feel they hold no value themselves.

 

Women don't hold ' all the power', men just willingly give it up their 50%.