Want the deep passionate love that I felt for him, but he has never felt for me

[bethelily]

We've been married six years, with baby #2 on the way in two months time. My heart is aching. I feel like we should be so happy and that this little baby should come into a home filled with love where the parents love not only the children but each other. But right now, we're on a "bad" year. We've kind of had a bad last two years in my opinion. My spouse might say, when he's feeling super negative and moody, we've had a bad six years. I'll focus on the now. We can't talk on the phone without having it end in some sort of a "miscommunication" (he works in another state for 4 days a week) so we pretty much just avoid talking to each other. He calls for my daughter, and I'm fine with that. She's easier to love than I am right now, I guess.

 

What kills me right now, this very moment, is the knowledge that he's never really felt in love with me (or anyone else before me for that matter, so I shouldn't feel too bad). I'm a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve whether someone's gonna break it or not; and he's never seen the point of wearing your heart on your sleeve if there's the chance someone will be mean to it. For that reason, he says he's never been able to open up to me. He says he's never felt like he could really be safe enough to share all of his emotions with me. (Again, I was his first (& last) girlfriend that ever lasted beyond 4 months, he's never been in love, and he just barely opened up to his dear sweet mother about how he felt about her divorce and re-marriage TWENTY YEARS AGO. Catch my drift? He's a slow mover, slow to open up, and guarded. I, however, have been in love like 3 times in my life (a hundred times when I was a teenager), and I know I can fall back in love with my husband, too. But ugh! How can I fall in love with someone who just. can't. seem to. fall. in love. with me????

 

I'll never be able to create the environment he needs to feel "safe enough" to go to that deeper love he wants to feel. Because he's not there (at the "deep love" feeling), and hasn't ever been there, my heart was breaking the whole first year of our marriage. I loved him so much, and he loved me, and we admit we're STILL a good match for each other and would choose each other again, but I've never felt that he's loved me passionately, wants to die for me, right a poem for me, sing a song for me, dance in the rain with me. I cried at night 2-3x a week when we were married that first year because it became so blaringly apparent to me that we didn't speak on the same emotional level. We'd dated exclusively for a year, and I knew it then, but I didn't KNOW it 'til after we were married. Know what I mean? (We both speak 2 love languages--1 we share (physical touch/affection) & 1 we don't share (words of affirmation vs. action/service). But we're not on the same emotional level. I believe I feel so much more deeply than he does, hurt and love. Or, I should say I SHARE my deep emotions more easily than he does, which in turn either alleviates the hurt, or deepens the love for me. He hasn't been able to share with me, with his family, with best friends, etc. EVER. He's always wanted to, he says, but in truth, he's just not that type of guy. That's ok. Unless you're a hopeless romantic like me married to him! I'm just dying inside.

 

I've had this love (that I speak of & want with my husband) before with 2 other boyfriends--one immediately previous to my dear husband. This former bf warned me that if I walked away from his marriage proposal, I would never find another man who loved me as much as he did and the way he did. Well, it sucks but his words were true. He wasn't the one for me to marry, my current spouse is, but man, that bf's words have haunted me my whole 6 year marriage. I'm afraid he may be right. I long for my husband to love me fiercely, deeply, and whole-heartedly the way my ex did.

 

Help me loveshack readers. What do I do? I want to feel loved so whole-heartedly and deeply. I know that I'm not that loveable now 'cause things are kind of bad between us and we have a lot of work to do, but my heart is breaking 'cause I feel like maybe we'll never get there simply because I'm a hopeless romantic and his feelings will always be "too guarded" for me. I used to tell him I'm so in love with you, because I was! But whenever he said it to me, he always seemed so uncomfortable--like he was saying it hoping it would come true afterward. My love has been reciprocated before in past relationships, but in my marriage, it's just never felt like the inlove feeling has been mirrored. Ugghh!

[bethelily]

Oh gosh, please don't say I married the wrong person. If I were choosing someone solely based on how we both love and show love, then I did. But marriage is so much more than that. You can be madly deeply in love with someone, but they're not the right person to raise children with. He is the right person to go through life with and raise children with, but you're right, the passion has never been there on his side. I have to make peace with that, and how?

 

No affairs, but past dealings with porn, looking on dating sites (3 years ago) but never creating profile, masturbating when he just doesn't want to have sex with me 'cause he's mad at me or doesn't want to put the time in to wooing me, etc. Although I am SURE he has lusted after other women and wished he were married to other women at one time or another, no affairs or secret meetings.

[frozensprouts]

does he let you know that he loves you in other ways than using words? for some, words don't come easy, but actions do.

 

i remember once ( and i don't know where or when i saw this) but i was watching a movie ( the movie was corny and silly, but this thing made me think). there was a married couple and the wife felt her husband didn't love her because he never used 'romantic language' with her. She told him that, and he was really upset until he understood what she meant. So he went and made a grand gesture ( action) that really touched her and he told her it was "his love letter to her".

 

then she understood that actions meant more to him than words, so he showed her he loved her instead of telling her.

 

maybe your husband is like this? are you willing to accept that he is that way ? ( and, by the way, I'm kind of like him. For me, talk is cheap, actions are not)

[bethelily]

He shows me he loves me by. . . let's see, does taking great care of our daughter count? He's a really good dad.

 

Umm, he NEVER resists when I initiate sex, but I initiate sex 7 out of 10 times. And there are several times when he has initiated sex at the WORST time and I declined--it leaves him feeling so sucky. (for instance, I was hostess to my family of 11 for Christmas Eve dinner just last Christmas. 30 minutes before we were supposed to eat, he "kidnapped" me and took me on a little drive down the road saying we hadn't had enough time for each other and wanted to make love right then and there. I thought that was SO sweet and I definitely followed him in a making out session, but afterwards had to coax him and convince him that we had to get back to Christmas EVE dinner I was hosting--are you kidding? I've got like 5 irons in the fire, my family hungry, my cousins nieces/nephews asking where I was. . . yeah, sometimes he has horrible timing).

 

He tried to write a love note 2 weeks ago, but they're not from a hopeless romantic--they just suck. It said, "to show you I love you I did the dishes." So sweet right? Gotta give him credit for showing love in his own way, right? So I try to. But, uh yeah, I'm just so forlorn 'cause it will never be better than that. Or can it? He SAYS THE REASON HE CAN'T LOVE ME THE WAY I WANT TO BE LOVED IS BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO EXPRESS HIS TRUE, DEEP FEELINGS.

 

I hate this! I want to cry, 'cause I fear I'll never be able to create that environment for him. When it comes to emotional love, we are not two birds of a feather. Can he change? Is he right when he said the only thing missing is the right environment? Or probably he won't change, but how can I fulfill my need to feel passionately wanted and deeply in love?

[Afishwithabike]

It's wonderful that he's so good to your child. It makes him a great father. But you are not your child. How he treats *you* is what makes him a great husband.

 

I don't understand why he can't open up to you or why he feels the relationship you have isn't a safe place for him to reveal his true feelings? Normally, you hear that from couples who had infidelity in the relationship, but you said that's not the case.

 

It seems like he's stuck..for lack of a better word. He probably has thoughts and feelings he wants to express, but he doesn't know how to get them across and he probably doesn't, as you've indicated, express them in the most articulate way.

 

He's not a bad person and I know you haven't said he is. You have to decide if this is something you can live with. For what it's worth, my father is very similar to your husband. He rarely expresses any deep emotion. He is a great person. Kind, very generous, incredibly smart, well traveled, considerate...demonstrative and passionate he's not. He's not very affectionate to my mother as in showing public affection, but she loves and trusts him so absolutely. He's her world. She's more extroverted and emotional of the two, but for her, his acts of love have been enough for her to know how he feels. But that's her. She's also from a different generation.

 

If this bothers you so much, maybe some couples counseling can help. But if your H is anything like my father, he'll probably refuse.

[carhill]

Tell him to get his ass home or it's child support and alimony.

 

I remember a stint in the 60's when my dad was off 'moonlighting' selling investments before the '68 crash and spent a couple nights a week out of town and my mom put a stop to that pretty quick. She simply said 'we'll live on what you make being home for dinner every night', and that was that. Strong woman. Dad married well.

 

A man who loves a woman and who chooses not to share that love verbally shows it in his actions. He seeks to learn what his woman needs to feel loved and she recognizes his understanding of that range of communication. This is essential to compatibility.

 

If you're better at communicating love verbally, then tell him, specifically, how you feel loved and valued. Men appreciate specific suggestions and/or comments. Find middle ground between words and acts of service. If he washes the dishes to show his love for you, cool, diddle him while his hands are in the water. Positive reinforcement.

 

If no joy (I had this issue, genders reversed), then D. Life is too short to destroy your psyche trying to mold yourself into something which fits into another person's hole. My sympathies.

[quankanne]

if you really and truly want to make your marriage work, you're gonna have to give up expectations that have nothing to do with your relationship. As in, move past what your ex told you, because you're just using those words as a rope to hang your marriage. As in, get outside help in the form of marriage enrichment and/or counseling to learn how to communicate better with each other and to find the common ground you can build a stable relationship on.

 

and I'd highly recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Because until I read it myself, I was being more than a little bit melodramatic about my husband not "loving me" the way I loved him – how could he possibly when he refused to show me in ways I could understand? The book talks about different ways of showing our love, and the fact that not everyone shows it the same ways. And believe me, it cut out all the BS thinking I'd been stewing in whenever I felt he didn't "love" me ...

 

your husband sounds like mine: Doing things to care for you/your family is the highest expression of love. It's not *my* top way of expressing love, but now I understand better. As a result, I don't see us as being on opposite sides of the fence 98 percent of the time.

 

your husband is not your ex-boyfriend, nor should he be. Nor should you expect him to be. You married him for whatever particular reason you found attractive, and you need to remember that so you can build on that, not penalize him for being someone/something he isn't. Chances are, you're probably the first intimate encounter he has when it comes to being in touch with his feelings (regarding what you said about opening up to his mom about her remarriage), so use that opportunity to help him grow into the person he's *meant* to become, instead of resenting who he automatically isn't.

 

marriage isn't the easiest of relationships because there's gonna be a HUGE chunk of time where you feel like you've got a carrot in one hand and a stick in the other, and you're constantly deciding which to use on your little burro

 

but! It can be intensely satisfying once you figure out what works best for the both of you :love:

 

good luck, my dear, and keep us posted. A lot of us old-timers have been there, and are here for you to bounce ideas or complaints off of ...

[bethelily]

I don't understand why he can't open up to you or why he feels the relationship you have isn't a safe place for him to reveal his true feelings? Normally, you hear that from couples who had infidelity in the relationship, but you said that's not the case.

Yeah, no infidelity. I swear if someone came knocking on his door though he wouldn't be able to refuse, but no we have both been faithful so far. So yeah, he just barely opened up to his Mom, who he loves dearly and trusts implicitly, about how he felt about her divorce and re-marriage from TWENTY years ago. So if his Mom and family (they're normal) can't create a safe environment for him to express love, how could I? However, I have definitely tried. I thought maybe I'd be his missing link. How naive of me.

 

Asfishwithabike, thanks for the input on your parents, that kinda helps. And really, thanks everyone so far for your input. I want to go to counseling, he wants to go to counseling, but we can't make it a priority enough to actually make that first phone call (plus, we went to a counselor during our first year, and she nearly split us up which we never wanted in the first place--you gotta be so careful in choosing marriage counselors. She kept having us "looking out for #1, YOURSELF", which never works in a marriage. . . And she was on her third marriage. Hmmm. . . . Anyway, so maybe both of us are a little gun shy on the counseling thing.)

 

I want so badly to find middle ground between the way he communicates love and the way I communicate love.

 

We match on so many other levels, but this one has plagued me our whole marriage and almost seems to take over all the other stuff. It's like the one little devil on my shoulder.

 

Are there others out there who are so ill matched emotionally? And how do you bridge that gap? Books I should read? Web sites to visit? I'm so sad.

[quankanne]

She kept having us "looking out for #1, YOURSELF", which never works in a marriage. . . And she was on her third marriage.

 

okay, this just made me spew my water, I laughed pretty hard. Sad, isn't it? How do you effectively communicate togetherness when you don't experience it first hand?

 

on second reflection, maybe marriage enrichment is what you need at this point? Basically, you look at all those things you're working toward and you find ways to achieve them together. Marriage Encounter (religious retreat my husband and I did ... highly recommend it, even he says it's the best thing we've done for our marriage ... and HE was balking about it the first time I brought it up!); there's something here in my area that's called "We Vow Now," which is a program similar to ME without the faith component and offered by the local government ... you can do a web-crawl for marriage enrichment programs in your area to see what other good stuff is available.

[Afishwithabike]

It doesn't help that he works in another state four days of the week. That would have an impact on the strongest of marriages. Isn't there anything he could do locally? In the alternative, is it possible for you to move to where he works?

 

I read your first post again. I don't think my husband has ever danced in the rain or written a poem for me. I'd faint if he wrote an original poem other than a jokey haiku.

He wrote me a lovely letter this year, but this after over a decade together. When we first dated, he wrote several letters to me. I still have those. The letters aren't very long or effusive, but it's the thought that counts. So your husband's "I washed the dishes because I love you" letter is something to be cherished.

 

I don't know if you can change him, but you can change your thinking. In the end, the only person we can ever change is ourselves.

 

Back to my dad, I can't remember a time when he hugged my mom or gave her a kiss on the cheek in front of us kids. They don't hold hands either. Yet, they have one of the most stable, solid marriages I know in my family and amongst their friends. They've been together now for 40 years. My dad is no Mr. Rochester (from Jane Eyre) or Mr. Darcy if you prefer Pride and Prejudice. He's not passionate like some character from a book or film, but he's someone you can rely on in bad times and good. He's now a senior citizen, but in his prime he was a very good looking, Ivy League educated professor. He had college students and other faculty hit on him, but to the best of my knowledge he never gave my mom a reason to doubt him. To my mom, those other qualities - his unwavering loyalty, kindness, intellect, made up for his somewhat aloof personality.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why not cross-reference the time since he evolved to 4 days a week in another state, with the, um, "state" of your marriage, and then tell us whether anything changed near to the point at which he began that 4-days-away routine.

 

That's a start...

[bethelily]

1. Your husband does not have the emotional makeup to be that outwardly passionate man that your ex was. He just doesn't. He can try things, but ultimately, he will only be going through the motions to make you happy. That doesn't mean you aren't loveable, it just means that's not part of his DNA. .

 

Thank you for saying that. Yeah, I need someone to just hit me over the head with that fact so I can start working on accepting the things I cannot change. One thing that makes it hard is him still saying "I've never had the chance to be that way with me 'cause he doesn't feel safe enough". Well, ladies and gents, a hopeless romantic wouldn't be saying that to EVERY woman he's ever dated in the last 34 years. Hence, he and I both need to accept the fact that he shows love differently. Okay. Sigghhh. . .

 

2. I suspect he took the job away four days a week to avoid the conflict within your marriage. . . .Once he agrees to come home, then you can worry about the diddling and working toward a more passionate marriage.

 

He is an "avoider" of conflict, and I'm a "pursuer" (from book Fighting for Your Marriage), but the job he has only at times requires him to work out of state. For 12 months, he had a project here in our city. 9 months before that it was in a different state. It's up and down. When he travels, we fight on the weekends. When he's home, we fight most nights he's home when things are bad. But. . . you are right, we've got little to work on if he's not even home. And yes, a little piece inside him dies every time he leaves his little girl. It's really hard on him to leave his daughter but it is a good job with a good boss and co-workers he gets along with so you can't have everything I guess.

 

Thank you for other commenters, even though I don't name every one. I am forlorn 'cause I NEED my man to want me desperately, the way I used to want him ("used to", 'cause it's kind of hard to need someone like that who doesn't need you back), but it's not a reason to leave, just a reason to grieve. Gosh, I need to find some peace in this.

 

Anyway, I'm grateful to those of you who have given advice with the intent of helping me with my problems, not just saying I'm stuck or to run away. Thanks.

[bethelily]

Why not cross-reference the time since he evolved to 4 days a week in another state, with the, um, "state" of your marriage, and then tell us whether anything changed near to the point at which he began that 4-days-away routine.

 

That's a start...

 

I thought about this all day. I think things have definitely gotten worse since he started travelling. I think we're about 2 years away from finding another job (this is his first one since launching into a completely different career path, so it's actually the perfect springboard for future plans--but we gotta put in the time for now.)

 

But, from year one of marriage, even when I was so in love with him, I realized there just was something stopping him from letting himself fall for me. And that's why I cried at night so many times our first year of marriage. I felt so awful having just married Mr. Perfect Family Man, and realizing afterward that it turns out I wanted Mr. Romantic Soulmate. He's had walls up for as long as I can remember. I ask him why would he marry someone who he wasn't in love with (and tell me he was), but he just bumbles and doesn't have a good answer for that. He says he did love me more than he's ever loved any other woman, but he just hasn't fallen deeply. . . . "cause he feels like he can't, blah, blah, blah. . " HE needs to face the fact that it won't happen for him with anyone either. He's guarded and may always be.

[westrock]

He SAYS THE REASON HE CAN'T LOVE ME THE WAY I WANT TO BE LOVED IS BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO EXPRESS HIS TRUE, DEEP FEELINGS.

 

This is where you need to focus attention.

 

So yeah, he just barely opened up to his Mom, who he loves dearly and trusts implicitly, about how he felt about her divorce and re-marriage from TWENTY years ago. So if his Mom and family (they're normal) can't create a safe environment for him to express love, how could I? However, I have definitely tried. I thought maybe I'd be his missing link. How naive of me.

 

Sounds like he was traumatized by his parents divorce. The fact it happened 20 years ago and he is unable to heal from it shows you how deep the emotional wounds extend. Was he a toddler or teenager at the time? Where is/was his father in all of this?

 

Unfortunately for you, the emotional wound he experienced comes directly from the earliest relationship he observed, the failure of the marriage of his parents. As a result, as much as you want, nothing you do can ever create that safe environment you hope to create because the two of you are in a "marriage" which to him triggers the past unhealed emotional wounds he experienced about "marriage" from his parents. For him, his experience has taught him that "marriage" by default is never safe enough.

 

By him being away for several days a week, he has found an easy way to avoid having to deal with his emotional wounds that get triggered when he is home in the marriage environment. His way of avoidance may get him through another week for the short term because it relieves his anxiety, but he probably does not realize the toll it is having on you and the marriage. Until he realizes that, he probably thinks everything is fine.

 

Tell him to get his ass home or it's child support and alimony.

 

I agree with Carhill. He needs a wake up call otherwise he will continue avoidance as long as you let him continue.

 

The only way he can reach a position of feeling safer within a marriage relationship is: 1. he decides he wants to change (whether on his own or as a result of a wake up call), and 2. he seeks professional independent counselling (separate from marriage counselling) to heal his past unresolved emotional hurt regarding the divorce of his parents.

 

What you can do is look at why you have such a strong need for someone to be so romantic as if it's a Hollywood movie script. Instead, perhaps you can cherish the little gestures that he does do, even if it doesn't fit your ideal desire of how he should act.

[PinkInTheLimo]

He is an emotional cripple and there is not much you can do. I also think he is abusive on the basis of what you tell us here.

He gives you crumbs so that you keep the illusion that one day he will give more. This way he remains in control.

Just by reading your opening post, this man should know that he is "safe" with him, however how "safe" are you with him.

 

Why did you marry him in the first place? Why do you have kids with him?

 

Yes, he is probably afraid to be abandoned but we all are and many of us still choose to open up. It's not an excuse for rotten behaviour like his behaviour.

 

It won't change, you will lose a lot of time, energy and heartbreak over this and the mean time the years pass by.

 

You married the wrong person but right now you are not willing to face that.

 

Oh BTW, why is being a great dad an asset? It seems to me that being a great dad is a normal thing when you made the choice to have kids.

[Lexygirl]

I'm just curious about what all your arguments are about?

 

If you seem to be constantly harping to him about how he isn't being enough of a romantic, etc., this is going to back him up against the wall and want to run. At the same time, I do totally agree that he shouldn't be away so much for a job. Perhaps you could go with him sometimes?

I mean it all seems so bizarre to me that you two even ended up married in the first place if you are so different and don't connect at a deep level. Sometimes ppl get married thinking they can change someone after they get married and that is just not fair to either person involved.

I agree that he has emotional scars from his parents divorce and this is definitely causing him to have a wall up but honestly the only way to make him feel safe is for him to be accepted for who he is.

 

You say that you are compatible in other ways.. what ways are they?