Husband troubles

[bunny05]

Hi everyone,

 

My husband and I have been having problems for the past year. We've been married for 2 years. We're young (I'm a college student and he's 27). About a year ago, my husband stopped wanting sex with me. I didn't say anything for 3 months or so. I actually believed that he was tired/feeling ill/too full from dinner, etc to make love to me.

 

Of course, after 3 months of nothing but rejection, I brought the issue up and he became defensive and we fought. I told him I wanted to help him if something was bothering him. He said he didn't know why he never wanted sex with me. I told him many times I just wanted him to be happy, but he never helped me to help him. He told me the only way I could help him was to continue to be myself. He loved me then.

 

Then 2 months or so later, nothing had improved. I started to feel inadequate. I am not overweight at all, nor am I ugly. I eat healthy, exercise and take care of myself, but since he had no desire for me whatsoever, I exaggerated my flaws in my mind and started to feel really self-conscious. I told him of this feeling and he said that he couldn't help me. I had a self-esteem issue that I had to work out on my own. I just wanted him to make me feel pretty like he used to, but he kept on saying that he can't help me with my own self-esteem issue. And yes, this was a fight again.

 

Every time I brought up the issue we would fight, and he never not ever once told me "I love you", "This will get better", "I don't want to lose you", etc. Nothing. When I brought up my feelings, he said I'm too emotional. When I brought up my needs, he said I'm too selfish.

 

Finally I stopped bringing it up and we've lived literally like my roommate and I used to live my first semester in college, except we share the same bed. He's content to not talk about it at all and it still tears me apart.

 

He looks at porn, and I've caught him plenty of times--he doesn't care. He promises he won't look at it anymore, and of course the next day I see it in the computer history. Back near the beginning of this mess, I even offered to do what he looks at (which I never would have considered before). He said he doesn't want to do that with me (I thanked my lucky stars).

 

I've improved myself throughout all this. I no longer have self-esteem problems, mostly because I stopped caring if he thinks I'm pretty or attractive. I do more things to surprise him and which he said would make him happy (making fun new recipes for dinner, cleaning the entire house, setting up candlelight dates, etc). Still no response from him.

 

He gets angry easily and swears a lot. The only times he looks at me is to criticize something, and the only time he touches me is when he's drunk, which is getting more frequent. Even then, he just pinches my nipples and laughs when I flinch. Alcohol is another problem. We don't have much money, yet he spends $30-40 on alcohol per week. He won't cut down and calls me a tyrant when I try to impose limits.

 

There are other things that hurt me, and more rare nowadays does he do things that bring me a smile. He used to make me laugh and smile all the time. He use to doing some cooking, and cleaning (now he doesn't). He used to tell me that I am his world.

 

Whenever I tell him how I feel so saddened by the disintegration of our relationship, he never reassures me that it'll be all right. I tell him I feel like he doesn't care anymore, and he yells and says "Why am I sitting here with you if I don't care?"

 

Sorry this is so long. Today was a really rough day. We made a "date" to talk about our problems when he gets home from work tonight, and when I got home from work this afternoon, I saw that he had been looking at porn and had a mojito while I was at work--and we were supposed to try and fix things tonight. I'm not sure I want to anymore.

 

Thanks for your advice (what a cute bunny!)

[fltc]

You may need more help than you can get here, the drinking is a huge problem, you'll need to get yourself to Alanon or some other form of counseling and do it soon.

[KathyM]

Hi everyone,

 

My husband and I have been having problems for the past year. We've been married for 2 years. We're young (I'm a college student and he's 27). About a year ago, my husband stopped wanting sex with me. I didn't say anything for 3 months or so. I actually believed that he was tired/feeling ill/too full from dinner, etc to make love to me.

 

Of course, after 3 months of nothing but rejection, I brought the issue up and he became defensive and we fought. I told him I wanted to help him if something was bothering him. He said he didn't know why he never wanted sex with me. I told him many times I just wanted him to be happy, but he never helped me to help him. He told me the only way I could help him was to continue to be myself. He loved me then.

 

Then 2 months or so later, nothing had improved. I started to feel inadequate. I am not overweight at all, nor am I ugly. I eat healthy, exercise and take care of myself, but since he had no desire for me whatsoever, I exaggerated my flaws in my mind and started to feel really self-conscious. I told him of this feeling and he said that he couldn't help me. I had a self-esteem issue that I had to work out on my own. I just wanted him to make me feel pretty like he used to, but he kept on saying that he can't help me with my own self-esteem issue. And yes, this was a fight again.

 

Every time I brought up the issue we would fight, and he never not ever once told me "I love you", "This will get better", "I don't want to lose you", etc. Nothing. When I brought up my feelings, he said I'm too emotional. When I brought up my needs, he said I'm too selfish.

 

Finally I stopped bringing it up and we've lived literally like my roommate and I used to live my first semester in college, except we share the same bed. He's content to not talk about it at all and it still tears me apart.

 

He looks at porn, and I've caught him plenty of times--he doesn't care. He promises he won't look at it anymore, and of course the next day I see it in the computer history. Back near the beginning of this mess, I even offered to do what he looks at (which I never would have considered before). He said he doesn't want to do that with me (I thanked my lucky stars).

 

I've improved myself throughout all this. I no longer have self-esteem problems, mostly because I stopped caring if he thinks I'm pretty or attractive. I do more things to surprise him and which he said would make him happy (making fun new recipes for dinner, cleaning the entire house, setting up candlelight dates, etc). Still no response from him.

 

He gets angry easily and swears a lot. The only times he looks at me is to criticize something, and the only time he touches me is when he's drunk, which is getting more frequent. Even then, he just pinches my nipples and laughs when I flinch. Alcohol is another problem. We don't have much money, yet he spends $30-40 on alcohol per week. He won't cut down and calls me a tyrant when I try to impose limits.

 

There are other things that hurt me, and more rare nowadays does he do things that bring me a smile. He used to make me laugh and smile all the time. He use to doing some cooking, and cleaning (now he doesn't). He used to tell me that I am his world.

 

Whenever I tell him how I feel so saddened by the disintegration of our relationship, he never reassures me that it'll be all right. I tell him I feel like he doesn't care anymore, and he yells and says "Why am I sitting here with you if I don't care?"

 

Sorry this is so long. Today was a really rough day. We made a "date" to talk about our problems when he gets home from work tonight, and when I got home from work this afternoon, I saw that he had been looking at porn and had a mojito while I was at work--and we were supposed to try and fix things tonight. I'm not sure I want to anymore.

 

Thanks for your advice (what a cute bunny!)

He has an addiction to porn. That is why he is no longer having sex with you. Men who are addicted to porn condition their brains to be turned on by those images, and real live women no longer turn them on. Google search the topic of porn addiction and you will see what I mean. I read an article on that a few months ago where college women were complaining that men are no longer interested in them because they are getting their needs met through porn. It's addictive. And it ruins a man's libido for the real thing. You should have him go to counseling to get help for that addiction. Your begging and pleading won't change him. He needs help from a professional to fight this addiction.

[bunny05]

He has an addiction to porn. That is why he is no longer having sex with you. Men who are addicted to porn condition their brains to be turned on by those images, and real live women no longer turn them on. Google search the topic of porn addiction and you will see what I mean. I read an article on that a few months ago where college women were complaining that men are no longer interested in them because they are getting their needs met through porn. It's addictive. And it ruins a man's libido for the real thing. You should have him go to counseling to get help for that addiction. Your begging and pleading won't change him. He needs help from a professional to fight this addiction.

 

Thanks for your input. But porn doesn't give you intimacy or love. I just don't understand why he would want let his marriage collapse for porn. He's 2 hours late coming home by the way. Wonder what he's up to.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Y'know what you're damaging the most in staying in this relationship?

 

You are damaging that part of you which believed in herself, and who will be (would have been) adored and revered for that very trait in your next relationship.

 

The preponderance of the evidence you've presented is that the problem is HIM - it's not you. And the human mind's unwillingness to see/accept just THAT, could haunt you through your next relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that...

[dreamingoftigers]

I am married to a porn addict, if you don't have any kids get out now. they don't care about love and intimacy and things will only deteriorate.

 

Unless you can twist his arm into full-fledged EMDR therapy, just ****ing forget it and live a happy life. You won't have one with him, I guarantee it.

 

Anything that comes between him and his porn will be shrapnel in no time. That includes your marriage.

 

Check out SA.org if you feel you need, there are tons of books about it. But seriously, after 2.5 years of this and it encompassing my daughter's whole childhood thus far, just run, and run fast.

 

Faster then Hell.

 

Go to marriedtoasexaddict.com

 

The second you said he had no interest and was rejecting you, I knew right away what your next lines were going to be: he watches porn and says it isn't a problem, said he'd quit, but he doesn't.

 

I cannot say it enough: LEAVE, PEOPLE HAVING AFFAIRS HAVE BETTER LUCK OF REPAIRING A MARRIAGE.

[bunny05]

Y'know what you're damaging the most in staying in this relationship?

 

You are damaging that part of you which believed in herself, and who will be (would have been) adored and revered for that very trait in your next relationship.

 

The preponderance of the evidence you've presented is that the problem is HIM - it's not you. And the human mind's unwillingness to see/accept just THAT, could haunt you through your next relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that...

 

Thanks for your help. I am kind of afraid that in my possible future relationships that this will happen again, and insecurity is never a good thing to have. I'm trying to make myself better.

[bunny05]

I am married to a porn addict, if you don't have any kids get out now. they don't care about love and intimacy and things will only deteriorate.

 

Unless you can twist his arm into full-fledged EMDR therapy, just ****ing forget it and live a happy life. You won't have one with him, I guarantee it.

 

Anything that comes between him and his porn will be shrapnel in no time. That includes your marriage.

 

Check out SA.org if you feel you need, there are tons of books about it. But seriously, after 2.5 years of this and it encompassing my daughter's whole childhood thus far, just run, and run fast.

 

Faster then Hell.

 

Go to marriedtoasexaddict.com

 

The second you said he had no interest and was rejecting you, I knew right away what your next lines were going to be: he watches porn and says it isn't a problem, said he'd quit, but he doesn't.

 

I cannot say it enough: LEAVE, PEOPLE HAVING AFFAIRS HAVE BETTER LUCK OF REPAIRING A MARRIAGE.

 

Thank you for you advice. I wish you luck and good will with your problem. Your baby's adorable!

 

We don't have kids (thank heaven). We decided to separate once the fall semester begins, and I'll live on campus. Probably we'll end up divorcing because unless he turns around drastically, you're right that I'll never be happy with him.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good, be smarter than me.

 

Can't say it enough: RUN RUN RUN.

[KathyM]

Well, let's not be too quick with the D word. I know a man (not my husband, but a relative of mine) who had an addiction to porn. When he and his wife realized that there was a problem, they got a filter installed on the home computer that would block all porn sites, and if the guy tried to access any porn sites, the filter would also send an Email to the wife informing her of which porn site the husband was trying to access. That stopped his addiction dead in its tracks when he no longer had access to internet porn. In fact, I did a research project on the treatment of sexual addiction just a month ago, and there are ways of handling the problem. Usually, a combination of methods is used to treat the problem. A counselor should be consulted, who would most likely apply behavioral therapy to your husband, which is the same approach that they use for other types of addictions. The therapist would help your husband by reconditioning his brain to associate the porn with negative things, rather than positive. Right now, because your husband associates a sexual high with porn, he has conditioned his brain to believe that porn is the way to receive those sexual highs. By getting him to associate porn with negative stimulus and negative images, he can possibly be trained to turn away from it. It is done through visualization therapy (a form of behavioral therapy) that gets him to associate porn with negative images. Then he would be reprogramed to associate sexual highs with physical encounters with his wife. Part of behavioral therapy would also include instituting a support system to accompany the visualization therapy, such as the filter on the computer, accountability to the wife on his whereabouts, instructing him to call a support person, such as a clergy member or mentor, when he feels the urge to look at porn, possibly going to support group meetings, etc. Just like any addiction, sexual addictions can be managed and squelched if the proper treatment is given. That's not to say it is always successful, but it is certainly possible. My relative was able to fight the addiction just by installing the filter on the computer. Talk to a counselor that specializes in sexual addictions, and get the computer filter. That would be your first step. Divorce should be your last step, and only after all other avenues have failed.

[teerockness]

There are a lot of people jumping to a lot of quick conclusions in this thread.

 

First off, all men look at porn. Dan Savage tells a funny story that a British research study on porn usage had to be cancelled because they couldn't find a control group - i.e., they couldn't find enough men that didn't look at porn.

 

Why is everybody trying to put this guy in a 'porn addiction' box, without even examining the possibility that he is unhappy in his marriage and simply incapable of discussing it? A lot of men aren't good at that...

 

Did you suggest marital counseling? Did I miss that?

 

TR

[Afishwithabike]

There are a lot of people jumping to a lot of quick conclusions in this thread.

 

First off, all men look at porn. Dan Savage tells a funny story that a British research study on porn usage had to be cancelled because they couldn't find a control group - i.e., they couldn't find enough men that didn't look at porn.

 

Another Dan Savage fan here although sometimes he gets on nerves too. But that part of your post reminded me of a quote attributed to the famous sex reseacher, Kinsey. He said 90% of men look at some kind of porn and the other 10% are lying.

 

Why is everybody trying to put this guy in a 'porn addiction' box, without even examining the possibility that he is unhappy in his marriage and simply incapable of discussing it? A lot of men aren't good at that...

 

Did you suggest marital counseling? Did I miss that?

 

TR

 

Yep, there are other issues here with him other than porn. Possible alcoholism. Anger management issues. Lack of communication. Lack of affection. Lack of meeting her emotional needs.

[ac1971]

bunny05, your husband sounds like mine. If you haven't already, you may want to look up "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" or NPD. I've been lurking awhile but felt compelled to post. What I've read of your story sounds like mine and I agree with teerockness that porn addiction is too quick a conclusion.

 

good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, let's not be too quick with the D word. I know a man (not my husband, but a relative of mine) who had an addiction to porn. When he and his wife realized that there was a problem, they got a filter installed on the home computer that would block all porn sites, and if the guy tried to access any porn sites, the filter would also send an Email to the wife informing her of which porn site the husband was trying to access. That stopped his addiction dead in its tracks when he no longer had access to internet porn. In fact, I did a research project on the treatment of sexual addiction just a month ago, and there are ways of handling the problem. Usually, a combination of methods is used to treat the problem. A counselor should be consulted, who would most likely apply behavioral therapy to your husband, which is the same approach that they use for other types of addictions. The therapist would help your husband by reconditioning his brain to associate the porn with negative things, rather than positive. Right now, because your husband associates a sexual high with porn, he has conditioned

his brain to believe that porn is the way to receive those sexual highs. By getting him to associate porn with negative stimulus and negative images, he can possibly be trained to turn away from it. It is done through visualization therapy (a form of behavioral therapy) that gets him to associate porn with negative images. Then he would be reprogramed to associate sexual highs with physical encounters with his wife. Part of behavioral therapy would also include instituting a support system to accompany the visualization therapy, such as the filter on the computer, accountability to the wife on his whereabouts, instructing him to call a support person, such as a clergy

member or mentor, when he feels the urge to look at porn, possibly going to support group meetings, etc. Just like any addiction, sexual addictions can be managed and squelched if the proper treatment is given. That's not to say it is always successful, but it is certainly possible. My relative was able to fight the addiction just by installing the filter on the computer. Talk to a counselor that specializes in sexual addictions, and get the computer filter. That would be your first step. Divorce should be your last step, and only after all other avenues have failed.

 

Honey these guys have to want their wives more then they want the porn and this guy is already full of **** about it.

 

You know what my h did when we put monitoring software on the computer? He repaired an old one and used that until it was discovered. Then at that point he filtered money out if household expenses until he was able to buy a whole new laptop and store it in the garage and use public wifi to do his jacking off until I found him at McDonald's one night completely by fluke. We sent him to 6000.00 treatment and on the way there he bought another laptop. He claims to have lasted two months after treatment until I found him using the iPod that went "missing" that he had bought me for Christmas two years ago. Now I am pretty sure that he is using his android phone for it.

 

He doesn't touch me and says that he doesn't feel "emotionally connected" to me enough to have sex.

 

These guys become animals, and hers has already started.

 

No priest or clergy is going to be able to save that. We have been to 5 counselors (all if whom he lied to), church and a variety of other options.

[fltc]

I know I'll get a lot a argument on this but I think the alcohol is much more troubling than the porn addiction. If KathyM is accurate, he's well on his way to becoming an alcoholic.

 

Both problems are troubling but porn won't kill him, destroy his liver, turn him into a wife beater, cause him to kill innocent people with his car, etc. etc. Booze can and will do all of these, it's a MUCH more serious problem.

[bunny05]

There are a lot of people jumping to a lot of quick conclusions in this thread.

 

First off, all men look at porn. Dan Savage tells a funny story that a British research study on porn usage had to be cancelled because they couldn't find a control group - i.e., they couldn't find enough men that didn't look at porn.

 

Why is everybody trying to put this guy in a 'porn addiction' box, without even examining the possibility that he is unhappy in his marriage and simply incapable of discussing it? A lot of men aren't good at that...

 

Did you suggest marital counseling? Did I miss that?

 

TR

Thanks for your help. I know a lot of men do look at porn, but we seriously haven't had sex in almost a year. We can't do marriage counseling because we are poor students, but I haven't looked into free counseling at my University yet--that's a possibility.

 

Yesterday he lost his temper big time. He's never hit me or even threatened to, but he yells and swears. I reacted to him totally differently than I usually did. Instead of trying to calm him down I just ignored him. He got even angrier and then realized that he was "acting stupid." He started remembering our good times in the past (romantic times) and he even teared up. I don't think he was faking. We actually made out afterward and his male appendage responded to me for the first time in a long time.

 

I think another issue is that he psyches himself out as in "performance anxiety" because he's super hard until he's about to enter me and then he gets nervous or something and it goes soft. I don't really know what to do. I never make fun of him or anything, and I cuddle with him after as if we had made love. That's another reason why he may be insecure and doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

And the stereotype is that women are hard to deal with...

[bunny05]

I know I'll get a lot a argument on this but I think the alcohol is much more troubling than the porn addiction. If KathyM is accurate, he's well on his way to becoming an alcoholic.

 

Both problems are troubling but porn won't kill him, destroy his liver, turn him into a wife beater, cause him to kill innocent people with his car, etc. etc. Booze can and will do all of these, it's a MUCH more serious problem.

 

I am worried about the alcohol, but I think his problems stems from the fact that he keeps his feelings and stress to himself.

 

He stopped drinking when we were happy together, and now that we're unhappy (for some unknown reason--to me at least) he's drinking again. With the drinking problem, I really don't know what to do.

[bunny05]

Well, let's not be too quick with the D word. I know a man (not my husband, but a relative of mine) who had an addiction to porn. When he and his wife realized that there was a problem, they got a filter installed on the home computer that would block all porn sites, and if the guy tried to access any porn sites, the filter would also send an Email to the wife informing her of which porn site the husband was trying to access. That stopped his addiction dead in its tracks when he no longer had access to internet porn. In fact, I did a research project on the treatment of sexual addiction just a month ago, and there are ways of handling the problem. Usually, a combination of methods is used to treat the problem. A counselor should be consulted, who would most likely apply behavioral therapy to your husband, which is the same approach that they use for other types of addictions. The therapist would help your husband by reconditioning his brain to associate the porn with negative things, rather than positive. Right now, because your husband associates a sexual high with porn, he has conditioned his brain to believe that porn is the way to receive those sexual highs. By getting him to associate porn with negative stimulus and negative images, he can possibly be trained to turn away from it. It is done through visualization therapy (a form of behavioral therapy) that gets him to associate porn with negative images. Then he would be reprogramed to associate sexual highs with physical encounters with his wife. Part of behavioral therapy would also include instituting a support system to accompany the visualization therapy, such as the filter on the computer, accountability to the wife on his whereabouts, instructing him to call a support person, such as a clergy member or mentor, when he feels the urge to look at porn, possibly going to support group meetings, etc. Just like any addiction, sexual addictions can be managed and squelched if the proper treatment is given. That's not to say it is always successful, but it is certainly possible. My relative was able to fight the addiction just by installing the filter on the computer. Talk to a counselor that specializes in sexual addictions, and get the computer filter. That would be your first step. Divorce should be your last step, and only after all other avenues have failed.

Thanks! Those are some great suggestions. The problem is that hubby's a computer whiz, and he'd probably figure out a way to turn off the filter. We're too poor for counseling, but I'll talk to him about both ideas.

[Bubby]

Hi, I hope that you look after yourself and make sure that you do something nice for yourself each day. You are supported and in my prayers. And RUN. Run to your new life that you start the minute you walk out and move. It won't be easy but you will feel the relief immediately and it's surprising how good that feels. Take care.

[bunny05]

Hi, I hope that you look after yourself and make sure that you do something nice for yourself each day. You are supported and in my prayers. And RUN. Run to your new life that you start the minute you walk out and move. It won't be easy but you will feel the relief immediately and it's surprising how good that feels. Take care.

Thank you. I appreciate your prayers. Luckily, I am moving onto my university's campus at the end of the month without him. We decided to separate and see how things go.

[Lexygirl]

I feel for you AND your husband, Bunny. I honestly think he is using alcohol and porn to avoid some demons deep inside. Unfortunately you are in the middle of it and it's VERY good to see that you are moving away for now... At the same time, I would urge you to follow through on looking into free counseling at the university for the two of you... individually first ! I truly believe he needs to look inside and it is a scary thing sometimes...

 

Urge him to go to counseling... in fact insist on it if he wants any chance at your marriage in the future !

 

Good luck to you.

[Eddie Edirol]

Yesterday he lost his temper big time. He's never hit me or even threatened to, but he yells and swears. I reacted to him totally differently than I usually did. Instead of trying to calm him down I just ignored him. He got even angrier and then realized that he was "acting stupid." He started remembering our good times in the past (romantic times) and he even teared up. I don't think he was faking. We actually made out afterward and his male appendage responded to me for the first time in a long time.

 

I think another issue is that he psyches himself out as in "performance anxiety" because he's super hard until he's about to enter me and then he gets nervous or something and it goes soft. I don't really know what to do. I never make fun of him or anything, and I cuddle with him after as if we had made love. That's another reason why he may be insecure and doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

And the stereotype is that women are hard to deal with...

 

You have something interesting here that I think you should continue Bunny. When you ignored him were you looking at him, or were you doing something else? You might have to keep up the act of not caring so he can keep realizing how stupid hes acting. Dont put any pressure on him, he might start pursuing you again. He might start practicing realizations and start rethinking things after yelling. Keep your cool, and he might snap out of it.

[fltc]

With the drinking problem, I really don't know what to do.

 

Investigate Al-anon.

 

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[carhill]

I just don't understand why he would want let his marriage collapse for porn. He's 2 hours late coming home by the way. Wonder what he's up to.

 

Does he come home intoxicated, even if not drunk? If not, combined with your description of your sex life, his interests are elsewhere, IMO, either physically or emotionally or both.

 

Separating is a wise choice. My sympathies.

[bunny05]

You have something interesting here that I think you should continue Bunny. When you ignored him were you looking at him, or were you doing something else? You might have to keep up the act of not caring so he can keep realizing how stupid hes acting. Dont put any pressure on him, he might start pursuing you again. He might start practicing realizations and start rethinking things after yelling. Keep your cool, and he might snap out of it.

It was late at night, so I said I was going to sleep. I put earphones in and pretended to sleep (I couldn't actually sleep of course). The past few days have been much better with him. We even went on a nice spontaneous date 2 days ago. Of course, I'm not thinking that the problems are solved, but we're on the right track. This situation reminds me of the phrase "If you love him let him go..." I'll move out, stop pleading with him to see reason and "let him go." I'll see if he returns to me.