Husband troubles

[bunny05]

Does he come home intoxicated, even if not drunk? If not, combined with your description of your sex life, his interests are elsewhere, IMO, either physically or emotionally or both.

 

Separating is a wise choice. My sympathies.

He doesn't come home drunk. I'm happy to say that he absolutely does not drive even after having one beer with dinner. He's really paranoid about getting a DUI, which is great.

 

Actually, he was working late (but didn't call). I believe him, and hopefully I'm not foolish for it.

[KathyM]

There are a lot of people jumping to a lot of quick conclusions in this thread.

 

First off, all men look at porn. Dan Savage tells a funny story that a British research study on porn usage had to be cancelled because they couldn't find a control group - i.e., they couldn't find enough men that didn't look at porn.

 

Why is everybody trying to put this guy in a 'porn addiction' box, without even examining the possibility that he is unhappy in his marriage and simply incapable of discussing it? A lot of men aren't good at that...

 

Did you suggest marital counseling? Did I miss that?

 

TR

Well, I suggested counseling as the main method for fighting the porn addiction. Also, other methods would also be recommended by the counselor, such as the filter, the support group for addicts, the mentor to call when the guy starts getting the urge to look at it, the accountability for his whereabouts, etc. Porn has been around for a long time, but this internet porn addiction is more of a newer phenomenon, arising more in the last decade or so, and counselors are not as equipped to combat it. It's more addictive than traditional porn for some reason, which is what I read. Moreso than movies, or videos or magazines. Maybe because, at the click of a button, you can have access to so much of it so easily. It's a real problem. I know some people in my church have an internet porn addiction and they are getting counseling for it and are trying to fight it.

[KathyM]

Another Dan Savage fan here although sometimes he gets on nerves too. But that part of your post reminded me of a quote attributed to the famous sex reseacher, Kinsey. He said 90% of men look at some kind of porn and the other 10% are lying.

 

 

 

Yep, there are other issues here with him other than porn. Possible alcoholism. Anger management issues. Lack of communication. Lack of affection. Lack of meeting her emotional needs.

The guy obviously has an addictive personality with multiple addictions, but I venture to say porn is the reason for the lack of sex in the marriage. He's getting his sexual needs met through porn and not through the real thing with the wife. Internet porn is very addictive, and once someone gets into that habit, it is very hard to break. They start needing more and more extreme images in order to feel the same sexual high that they did before. Most men have looked at porn at some period of time, or from time to time, but some have a real addiction to it, and that is all they can think about and all that they crave, just like an alcoholic or a drug addict.

[KathyM]

Honey these guys have to want their wives more then they want the porn and this guy is already full of **** about it.

 

You know what my h did when we put monitoring software on the computer? He repaired an old one and used that until it was discovered. Then at that point he filtered money out if household expenses until he was able to buy a whole new laptop and store it in the garage and use public wifi to do his jacking off until I found him at McDonald's one night completely by fluke. We sent him to 6000.00 treatment and on the way there he bought another laptop. He claims to have lasted two months after treatment until I found him using the iPod that went "missing" that he had bought me for Christmas two years ago. Now I am pretty sure that he is using his android phone for it.

 

He doesn't touch me and says that he doesn't feel "emotionally connected" to me enough to have sex.

 

These guys become animals, and hers has already started.

 

No priest or clergy is going to be able to save that. We have been to 5 counselors (all if whom he lied to), church and a variety of other options.

He no longer wants the wife because he's conditioned his mind to be turned onto porn instead, and associates sexual highs with the porn instead of the wife. A good counselor, through behavioral therapy, may be able to reprogram or recondition his mind to be repelled by porn and turned onto his wife. Counselors use reconditioning to fight other types of addictions, such as smoking, drinking, etc. It can be used for sexual addictions as well. He's not going to want to be turned on by his wife while his mind is conditioned to be turned on by porn. I'm sorry your husband is so fargone that he is not responding to therapy. I can't imagine how terrible that must be for you, and for him, since he is so obsessed and it has taken ahold of his life. It sounds like he is still in denial that he has a problem, or doesn't want to face it. Just like an alcoholic, sometimes they have to hit rock bottom and the consequences become too great before they are willing to seriously seek help or want to be helped. My father was an alcoholic for most of his adult life. He was able to control it just enough to keep his job, but as soon as he retired, and didn't have to report to work, he hit rock bottom, was picked up by the police after being slumped over in some alleyway, and brought to a rehab center. His doctor would not allow him to leave until he underwent rehabilitation therapy. After that treatment, he was well for the rest of his life, and didn't touch another drop of alcohol. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to change. Your husband, Tiger, may have to hit bottom before he will face his addiction. If he is still maintaining a job and still has a wife and child at home, the consequences of his behavior have not been a deterrent thusfar. I'm wondering how he would react if you told him he has to make a choice--either you and the baby, or the porn addiction. That might put the consequences up front and real for him, and may make him realize he's about to suffer because of the addiction. Part of therapy for sex addicts is also, according to my research, to make the consequences more real to the addict. When they are able to get away with the addiction without suffering major consequences, it enables them to continue. But when they are faced with hard consequences, they may be more willing to try to break the addiction. A clergy member alone is not enough to address the problem, oftentimes. It takes a combined approach of treatment, in addition to facing real or potential consequences, before some people are willing to fight the addiction.

[KathyM]

Thanks for your help. I know a lot of men do look at porn, but we seriously haven't had sex in almost a year. We can't do marriage counseling because we are poor students, but I haven't looked into free counseling at my University yet--that's a possibility.

 

Yesterday he lost his temper big time. He's never hit me or even threatened to, but he yells and swears. I reacted to him totally differently than I usually did. Instead of trying to calm him down I just ignored him. He got even angrier and then realized that he was "acting stupid." He started remembering our good times in the past (romantic times) and he even teared up. I don't think he was faking. We actually made out afterward and his male appendage responded to me for the first time in a long time.

 

I think another issue is that he psyches himself out as in "performance anxiety" because he's super hard until he's about to enter me and then he gets nervous or something and it goes soft. I don't really know what to do. I never make fun of him or anything, and I cuddle with him after as if we had made love. That's another reason why he may be insecure and doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

And the stereotype is that women are hard to deal with...

I think the impotence is also the result of the porn addiction. His brain no longer can stay stimulated by the real thing because he's messed it up from the internet porn. Once the porn addiction is remedied, I suspect he won't have impotence problems anymore.

[KathyM]

Thank you. I appreciate your prayers. Luckily, I am moving onto my university's campus at the end of the month without him. We decided to separate and see how things go.

I'm sorry to hear you are separating, but hopefully that jolt will be what it takes to get him to fight the addictions. When he realizes the real possibility of losing you for good, he may be more willing to fight the addictions. I would recommend you use the separation time to try to get some help for him. He needs help to fight the addictions.