Sexless marriage in my twenties...

[bunny05]

Hi everyone,

 

My husband and I have been having problems for the past year. We've been married for 2 years. We're young (I'm a college student and he's 27). About a year ago, my husband stopped wanting sex with me. I didn't say anything for 3 months or so. I actually believed that he was tired/feeling ill/too full from dinner, etc to make love to me.

 

Of course, after 3 months of nothing but rejection, I brought the issue up and he became defensive and we fought. I told him I wanted to help him if something was bothering him. He said he didn't know why he never wanted to be intimate with me. I told him many times I just wanted him to be happy, but he never helped me to help him. He told me the only way I could help him was to continue to be myself. He loved me then.

 

Then 2 months or so later, nothing had improved. I started to feel inadequate. I am not overweight at all, nor am I ugly. I eat healthy, exercise and take care of myself, but since he had no desire for me whatsoever, I exaggerated my flaws in my mind and started to feel really self-conscious. I told him of this feeling and he said that he couldn't help me. I had a self-esteem issue that I had to work out on my own. I just wanted him to make me feel pretty like he used to, but he kept on saying that he can't help me with my own self-esteem issue. And yes, this was a fight again.

 

Every time I brought up the issue we would fight, and he never not ever once told me "I love you", "This will get better", "I don't want to lose you", etc. Nothing. When I brought up my feelings, he said I'm too emotional. When I brought up my needs, he said I'm too selfish.

 

Finally I stopped bringing it up and we've lived literally like my roommate and I used to live my first semester in college, except we share the same bed. He's content to not talk about the problem at all and it still tears me up.

 

He looks at porn, and I've caught him plenty of times--he doesn't care. He promises he won't look at it anymore, and of course the next day I see it in the computer history. Back near the beginning of this mess, I even offered to do what he looks at (which I never would have considered before). He said he doesn't want to do that with me (I thanked my lucky stars).

 

I've improved myself throughout all this. I no longer have self-esteem problems, mostly because I stopped caring if he thinks I'm pretty or attractive. I do more things to surprise him and which he said would make him happy (making fun new recipes for dinner, cleaning the entire house, setting up candlelight dates, etc). Still no response from him.

 

He gets angry easily and swears a lot. The only times he looks at me is to criticize something, and the only time he touches me is when he's drunk, which is getting more frequent. Even then, he just pinches my nipples and laughs when I flinch. Alcohol is another problem. We don't have much money, yet he spends $30-40 on alcohol per week. He won't cut down and calls me a tyrant when I try to impose limits.

 

There are other things that hurt me, and more rare nowadays does he do things that bring me a smile. He used to make me laugh and smile all the time. He use to doing some cooking, and cleaning (now he doesn't). He used to tell me that I am his world.

 

Whenever I tell him how I feel so saddened by the disintegration of our relationship, he never reassures me that it'll be all right. I tell him I feel like he doesn't care anymore, and he yells and says "Why am I sitting here with you if I don't care?"

 

Sorry this is so long. Today was a really rough day. We made a "date" to talk about our problems when he gets home from work tonight, and when I got home from work this afternoon, I saw that he had been looking at porn and had a mojito while I was at work--and we were supposed to try and fix things today. I'm not sure I want to anymore.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[Dust]

You’re with a man who would rather jack off and look at porn then be with a real woman. He may be cheating on you in other ways too.

 

Life is to short to deal with this. I say you divorce before you get pregnant and this gets worse.

 

He is the type of man who will have sex with a woman in the beginning but then months or years down the line he settles into masturbation and very likely other forms of cheating. I call it cheating because he’d rather just jack off and use porn then keep the passion in his relationship. I call it cheating because he very well knows on some level that doing this is the end of you two.

 

Maybe he’ll change in order not to lose you. Simply though expect divorce to be the only relief do it now sooner then later. Personally when in a relationship where sex is available I wouldn’t ever jack off. Many men are like this. Watch out for men who look at porn especially if they do it and use it regularly while in a committed relationship.

[nyc_guy2003]

85% chance he's b@nging another chick. Don't mean to be harsh.

[lordWilhelm]

There's not much you can do unless he wants to work with you. Which he doesn't seem like he will. Things can't continue in this way, so I would sit down with him and tell him that this is not going to work for you anymore and you're ready to move on.

[patagonia]

All I gotta say is that reading this breaks my heart...I have no solution.

[threebyfate]

bunny, get out of this marriage, no matter what he says even if he begs. DO NOT have any children with him since it won't fix his issues and will only tie you down to someone who treats you so poorly. Life really is too short to stay with a jackass.

 

((hugs))

[tobeornottobe]

Get out of this marriage as soon as you can. From what you have described here, this is an accident looking for a place to happen. The only one that can stop it by getting out NOW, is you.

 

Sorry for being so blunt. Usually one would first recommend counseling etc, but unless there is some supernatural intervention, this marriage is going to destroy what was intended to be a blessing.

[ScienceGal]

I recommend marriage counseling because something is going on and there is no way to know for sure unless he is going to tell you. And, even if he tells you whatever *it* is, can the marriage be worked on and brought back to a place where you are both happy?

 

When one partner stops wanting intimacy in a relationship is a huge red flag. I mean, every couple has "dry spells", but if he is looking at porn, then it isn't a matter of being turned on or not (unless he is having trouble getting an erection). So, you need to figure out exactly what is happening here. That is no way to live and you deserve better than that.

 

I have been in your shoes (minus the marriage). When I was in college an ex of mine looked at porn all the time and it drove me nuts because I wanted him to focus on the relationship, not porn! We had grown apart and I didn't know what to do. It turns out we were just different people that wanted different things in a relationship. He drank a lot too. Our relationship ended after 3+ years and I was able to move on.

 

I am glad that you are past being self conscious, because that is no way to be. There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing to deserve this! I hope that you can get to the bottom of things and find some peace