Husband hasn't a clue

[lostafter15]

Ok Here goes...I have never posted to anything like this before. I just need someone who is not involved emotionally or even know myself or spouse.

 

I have been married for 15 years and have been seriously thinking about leaving. Recently (March) I started talking with a therapist about my feelings, they put me on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and in the last month have started a sleeping pill because my head won't stop spinning enough for me to fall a sleep on my own. I do feel like I have come to a decision, but am scared.

 

Little history, we started dated when I was 19 and married when I was 21, he is 5 years older than me and had been married previously...briefly, and it ended badly for him (wife cheated on him). In the beginning I couldn't have asked for a better life. We were happy, had fun, went out and enjoyed ourselves. We said "I love you" daily, but now I don't remember the last time I heard it without saying it first. For the past several years I have felt like I am going through the motions, kind of on auto-pilot. I take care of things to do with the kids (doctor appts, school...etc.) I work afternoon/evenings so he is home with them nightly and takes care of them at home. I handle everything with the finances (although I have asked for help on several occasions) he said he would but it hasn't happened yet. I have a very hard time approaching him with any issues that may end in conflict...so in short we have never argued intensely about anything. I do what I can to make sure he has what he needs and is happy regardless of how I feel. (I know, BAD!)

 

Talking with the therapist and started the meds have kind of cleared the "fog" but I am still concerned....I don't think he has a clue as to how I am feeling....he has never asked me.

 

I am sure I will think of something to add but I just need another set of eyes, thanks!!

[Eddie Edirol]

How bout telling him how you feel and why? If it doesnt work the first time, come at him from another direction, and you keep doing it until you find a way that will make him WANT to listen. Last resort would be, "I think we should separate...". That will get him to want to listen.

[pie2]

Lost-

 

You must feel so lonely right now; I'm so sorry for your suffering and pain. It makes me sad that you and your husabnd have gotten to this point in your relationship. Reaching out and seeking assitance/opinions seems like a great way to find answers to your dilemma.

 

I have a question...What is your primary concern about your relationship right now? Is it related to feeling connected to your husband? Does it center around expressions of love? Expressions of intimacy? Are you primarily concerned with assistance with chores/household operations?

 

If you could narrow your main concerns down to your top three concerns at this time, you could probably start to define your primary complaint. Once you have it narrowed down, maybe you could make a list of concrete things your husband could do help.

 

For example, you used to do fun things. Have you asked your husband to come up with a fun outing once a month? Or, you seem to love hearing, "I love you". Have you told your H how much it means to you? What are some other ways your husband can show you he loves you?

 

If you sit down with your husband and present him with some ways he can contribute to the relationship, I would start small. Just one suggestion at a time!

 

One last question - Can your husband attend therapy with you?

 

I hope that you and your husband can work through this

Edited August 4, 2011 by pie2

[lostafter15]

How bout telling him how you feel and why? If it doesnt work the first time, come at him from another direction, and you keep doing it until you find a way that will make him WANT to listen. Last resort would be, "I think we should separate...". That will get him to want to listen.

 

That is the thing Eddie....I have this issue with confrontation/conflict. I avoid it at all costs. I can't get in his face for anything, I'm not scared that he will hurt me at all just can't deal with the disappointment/rejection I know I will feel. I know, doesn't make sense does it?

[lostafter15]

Lost-

 

You must feel so lonely right now; I'm so sorry for your suffering and pain. It makes me sad that you and your husabnd have gotten to this point in your relationship. Reaching out and seeking assitance/opinions seems like a great way to find answers to your dilemma.

 

I have a question...What is your primary concern about your relationship right now? Is it related to feeling connected to your husband? Does it center around expressions of love? Expressions of intimacy? Are you primarily concerned with assistance with chores/household operations?

 

If you could narrow your main concerns down to your top three concerns at this time, you could probably start to define your primary complaint. Once you have it narrowed down, maybe you could make a list of concrete things your husband could do help.

 

For example, you used to do fun things. Have you asked your husband to come up with a fun outing once a month? Or, you seem to love hearing, "I love you". Have you told your H how much it means to you? What are some other ways your husband can show you he loves you?

 

If you sit down with your husband and present him with some ways he can contribute to the relationship, I would start small. Just one suggestion at a time!

 

One last question - Can your husband attend therapy with you?

 

I hope that you and your husband can work through this

 

Pie...I couldn't ask for a better person around the house. I am spoiled in that aspect. He does the dishes, laundry makes supper, most of the cleaning.

 

As far as fun things, I have told him that I would love to have him plan something for just us. We also had a conversation about the "I love you" thing and he said he hasn't said it because I haven't said it....UGH!! At that same time we discussed an small alcohol issue and that has been better.

 

I asked him last week if he would be able to go to my next appointment with me and he came back with " What did I do now" (Like I have blamed him for doing other things, I haven't) I said that it isn't that he did anything, I just thought he might want to come along. He said it caught him off guard and that I have never wanted to tell him anything about therapy (he also never asked) and now I want him to come along. He didn't know how else to put it other that it sounds bad.

 

I have a letter that has been sitting in my purse for the last month saying I want to divorce and have a place to go (Grandparents) so there wouldn't be the extra household expenses and I would still help with all of the bills. I was going to give it to him at this next appointment and them use that time to discuss things. I am afraid to do it in person, because I will probably cave.

 

Sorry I seem to be babbling.

[pie2]

You're not babbling! And I'm glad to hear your H helps with chores around the house .

 

Ok, so if you give him the divorce letter at the therapy appointment, what would your ultimate goal be? To discuss the divorce in a somewhat safer environment, with assistance from the therapist?

 

If I were your husband, I would possibly feel somewhat betrayed that something SO big came up, seemingly out of nowhere, at a therapy session. First of all, he already seems anti-therapy. So slapping him with this whammy might make him feel attacked and ganged up on.

 

I don't know your whole history, obviously, but could you reconsider showing him the letter, and just bring up some of your concerns with the therapist there?

 

You seem very frustrated, and I completely understand you wanting to just throw your hands up and walk away. Only you can decide what you want to do.

 

But, I feel like there is a grain of hope. You said that you can't face confrontation. However, you guys seemed to resolve the small alcohol issue in the past. That must not have been easy. What's changed? Why do you say you can't confront/resolve things now?

[Eddie Edirol]

That is the thing Eddie....I have this issue with confrontation/conflict. I avoid it at all costs. I can't get in his face for anything, I'm not scared that he will hurt me at all just can't deal with the disappointment/rejection I know I will feel. I know, doesn't make sense does it?

 

Cmon, youre a grown woman. I guarantee that if you deal with the rejection, you wont need the therapy or the medication anymore. Youre carrying all this guilt because youre afraid to tell your husband. Do the right thing, bite the bullet and talk to him.

[lostafter15]

You're not babbling! And I'm glad to hear your H helps with chores around the house .

 

Ok, so if you give him the divorce letter at the therapy appointment, what would your ultimate goal be? To discuss the divorce in a somewhat safer environment, with assistance from the therapist?

 

If I were your husband, I would possibly feel somewhat betrayed that something SO big came up, seemingly out of nowhere, at a therapy session. First of all, he already seems anti-therapy. So slapping him with this whammy might make him feel attacked and ganged up on.

 

I don't know your whole history, obviously, but could you reconsider showing him the letter, and just bring up some of your concerns with the therapist there?

 

You seem very frustrated, and I completely understand you wanting to just throw your hands up and walk away. Only you can decide what you want to do.

 

But, I feel like there is a grain of hope. You said that you can't face confrontation. However, you guys seemed to resolve the small alcohol issue in the past. That must not have been easy. What's changed? Why do you say you can't confront/resolve things now?

 

My ultimate goal is to tell him exactly how I feel. I you said a just what I was thinking would happen about the therapy session. Him feeling attacked and how it is out of the blue. I can't think of anything that would make things better, I just really feel that we have grown apart. Things we had in common years ago no longer interest one or the other of us. I haven't had that "can't live without him" feeling for quite a few years.

 

The whole alcohol issue resolving is kind of ironic. We "resolved" that one night after we had gone out (late March), something in him snapped to where he wanted to talk about everything that was going on with me. I don't recall the conversation we had (we were both entirely tooooo drunk:eek:). I have only had maybe 6 beers since.

 

Maybe I just need to find the strength to do what I need to. I need to let myself be happy instead of making everything good for everyone else. (a little OCD problem of mine)

[lostafter15]

Cmon, youre a grown woman. I guarantee that if you deal with the rejection, you wont need the therapy or the medication anymore. Youre carrying all this guilt because youre afraid to tell your husband. Do the right thing, bite the bullet and talk to him.

 

Yep you are right! I need to find the strength, kick myself in the butt and just do it.

[Tech_E]

Right from the word GO I have to ask, is there someone else? Please answer honestly.

 

It sounds to me that you are just not getting through to him. You need to understand that there is a fundamental difference between how women and men communicate. When you 'tell' him about what is going on I am willing to bet he will tune it out and chock it up to 'nagging'. That isn't what it is (believe I am NOT NOT NOT saying that) but I'd bet good money that inside his own head that is what he is built it up to be.

 

The thing is you'll need to find a way to get through to him. You say you avoid conflict etc at all costs. Well that's a tough nut to crack, however conflict does not have to happen to get through to him, although if it did it will be worth it.

 

Here's a thought, sit down and write a well thought out letter to him explaining what is missing in your marriage. Lay it out in plain English and tell him that if it isn't fixed you are going to leave. Make it absolutely clear. In this letter tell him that you BOTH need to see a MC to start the recovery process.

 

Good luck.

[lostafter15]

Right from the word GO I have to ask, is there someone else? Please answer honestly.

 

It sounds to me that you are just not getting through to him. You need to understand that there is a fundamental difference between how women and men communicate. When you 'tell' him about what is going on I am willing to bet he will tune it out and chock it up to 'nagging'. That isn't what it is (believe I am NOT NOT NOT saying that) but I'd bet good money that inside his own head that is what he is built it up to be.

 

The thing is you'll need to find a way to get through to him. You say you avoid conflict etc at all costs. Well that's a tough nut to crack, however conflict does not have to happen to get through to him, although if it did it will be worth it.

 

Here's a thought, sit down and write a well thought out letter to him explaining what is missing in your marriage. Lay it out in plain English and tell him that if it isn't fixed you are going to leave. Make it absolutely clear. In this letter tell him that you BOTH need to see a MC to start the recovery process.

 

Good luck.

 

In answer to your 1st question....No there isn't anyone else.

 

Is is possible to just lose interest in someone? I mean I have been with him since I was 19, right out of my parents house. I have never been on my own. I was doing what you are supposed to so, leave home and get married (couldn't afford college, so that step was skipped). I don't know, I am just frustrated something fierce.

[Eddie Edirol]

In answer to your 1st question....No there isn't anyone else.

 

Is is possible to just lose interest in someone? I mean I have been with him since I was 19, right out of my parents house. I have never been on my own. I was doing what you are supposed to so, leave home and get married (couldn't afford college, so that step was skipped). I don't know, I am just frustrated something fierce.

 

Well when youve grown apart, it happens, and it especially makes since youve been with him since you were 19. But be careful, you havent separated yet, so you dont know if you MIGHT get that "cant live without him" feeling after a few weeks. But on the other hand, you could be seeing rainbows when you go on your own. Not only that, you havent really had a good talk about it.

 

Before giving him a letter saying you give up, you HAVE to talk to him. Give him a chance to change. Give him a chance to work on not taking you for granted. You two have grown to this point after 15 years, nothing can change just like that. Start to get used to talking to him, without therapy, learn how to get him to talk, what button to push that makes him WANT to listen. Remember you avoided talking to him about real issues all this time, its not just his fault. How would you feel if he heard your point, told you his points, and then said "ok, I want to make this work"? You know that if he fights your concerns at all costs, the last resort is telling him about divorce.

 

Get him drunk if you have to, you might get more info about what he really thinks while hes uninhibited. Also, dont expect him to read your mind. You cant use the excuse that he didnt ask, when you never brought it up before that- when in reality you were afraid to bring it up before that.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Tiberius]

Not everybodies live is full of action and ups and downs. For some people life is normal and full of routine. Nothing wrong with it.

[Le Corb]

Lost. please give your husband another chance.

 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

 

You need to communicate with him, if you don't want to talk to him directly, wanting to avoid conflicts, write him a letter tell him how you feel, instead of giving him the letter of ultimatum without warning. Or even show him this thread! He will understand, if he does all the house works, takes care of the kids, it means he cares about the family, and the marriage deeply. If you leave him suddenly, he will be devastated and heartbroken.

 

15 years is a long time, I am sure that you had a lot of wonderful time together, perhaps sometimes you stop communicating because you feel like you know each other too well. It only takes one to start the change. You know why don't you do something different like giving him a surprise, like you used to do at the start of the relationship, see how he reacts, do something exciting, and out of the blue. Such as saying something different when you have disagreements, giving him a hug, plan a surprise night out. Even if just once, wait and see what he does in return if he really cares about you. Just like you, he is now expecting the same responses from you all the time, if one of you breaks that pattern, I am sure that you will see the differences, then perhaps you will be able to communicate and connect again.

 

You both invested a lot of time and emotion in this relationship, I am sure that there were many hardships in the 15 years, and there will be many to come in the future, you have come this far together, solved many problems in life hand in hand, it says a lot about you both, now it is just down time in the relationship, it does not mean that it is dead, you just need to reconnect, life can be fun and fresh again, like when you were young, you guys just need to reset and restart. Sometimes people never get that second chance to experience it. My wife left me without any warning, I said I love you to her everyday, she still lefthttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275030/ I wish I could say goodbye to her, but I know that I will never have that chance. Please give him another chance, you know deep down he cares about you, your future and the family, otherwise he would have left long time ago. Life can still be exciting and adventurous together, you just need to communicate differently, there are many many books on the matter, please dont give up so easily.

 

At the end of the day, the grass is greener where you water it. Its not about finding the right person, it is about being the right person for each other, and caring for each other, to do that the both of you need to start with yourself, instead of expecting each other to do the same.

Edited August 6, 2011 by Le Corb

[Mauschen]

I'm with Le Corb on this one. Communicate with your husband if you haven't already.

 

I really recommend the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley. He also has some videos on youtube you can watch.

 

Your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy at all - he is involved in family life - much more than I can say for many men I know. I divorced a few years ago. My ex was verbally and physically abusive and did nothing around the house. Then I found myself in the dating pool again in my mid-thirties. Trust me - at this point most of the wonderful men are gone. Everyone (including me) has tons of baggage to deal with. It is NOT worth it in your case to put yourself in this position.

 

Fix things with your husband. It is worth it!

[dontKnowMe]

In answer to your 1st question....No there isn't anyone else.

 

Is is possible to just lose interest in someone? I mean I have been with him since I was 19, right out of my parents house. I have never been on my own. I was doing what you are supposed to so, leave home and get married (couldn't afford college, so that step was skipped). I don't know, I am just frustrated something fierce.

 

I am in the same position as you. I've been with my spouse since 19 as well. Now I think I want a divorce. Same as you -- no affairs. I just have no interest in my spouse. ...And I believe I'm in this situation because I did things that I thought I was "supposed" to be doing and not the things that I really wanted or needed. It's taken a long time to come to that realization.

[lostafter15]

I am in the same position as you. I've been with my spouse since 19 as well. Now I think I want a divorce. Same as you -- no affairs. I just have no interest in my spouse. ...And I believe I'm in this situation because I did things that I thought I was "supposed" to be doing and not the things that I really wanted or needed. It's taken a long time to come to that realization.

 

I agree, we are going to go to my next therapy appointment together and see what happens.

[bbake516]

Ok Here goes...I have never posted to anything like this before. I just need someone who is not involved emotionally or even know myself or spouse.

 

I have been married for 15 years and have been seriously thinking about leaving. Recently (March) I started talking with a therapist about my feelings, they put me on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and in the last month have started a sleeping pill because my head won't stop spinning enough for me to fall a sleep on my own. I do feel like I have come to a decision, but am scared.

 

Little history, we started dated when I was 19 and married when I was 21, he is 5 years older than me and had been married previously...briefly, and it ended badly for him (wife cheated on him). In the beginning I couldn't have asked for a better life. We were happy, had fun, went out and enjoyed ourselves. We said "I love you" daily, but now I don't remember the last time I heard it without saying it first. For the past several years I have felt like I am going through the motions, kind of on auto-pilot. I take care of things to do with the kids (doctor appts, school...etc.) I work afternoon/evenings so he is home with them nightly and takes care of them at home. I handle everything with the finances (although I have asked for help on several occasions) he said he would but it hasn't happened yet. I have a very hard time approaching him with any issues that may end in conflict...so in short we have never argued intensely about anything. I do what I can to make sure he has what he needs and is happy regardless of how I feel. (I know, BAD!)

 

Talking with the therapist and started the meds have kind of cleared the "fog" but I am still concerned....I don't think he has a clue as to how I am feeling....he has never asked me.

 

I am sure I will think of something to add but I just need another set of eyes, thanks!!

 

That's ok I said I love you to my wife at least 2-3 times a day. She went out with her friends whenever she wanted and we pretty much respected that each of us needed our own time. She told me Monday after 13 years of marriage and 2 kids that she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a divorce. Being worse, we are living in the same house along with her father and will continue to for a couple of months (erghhh). I have been crying every time I see her or think about it. We went through so much and now it's all being tossed aside.

 

The only advice I can give you is to tell him straight out how you feel. My wife never gave me that chance and I don't read into things very well.

[Meatballsmom]

Correct me if I am wrong. From your story it sounds as if over the last few years, you have not communicated with your husband, as from your point of view the marriage went south. You just let is slide and never let him know that the marriage needed fixing. And now that you feel that it is too late you are going to blindside him with a request for a divorce.

 

He sounds like a super guy, does laundry, cleans house, the type that most women would love to share their lives with. And you are going to dump him, without giving him a chance to work on the problems?

 

Have you ever considered the reason he hasn't a clue is because hou haven't told him?

 

You sound like the wives of half of the men on this board. Small wonder why men find if difficult to trust women

 

ILYBINILWY, It is too late to fix this, are some of the red flags of an affair.

 

You have never lived on you own and now you want to find out what it is like. Another red flag. It says you are going to be looking for another man.

 

Does that mean you are willing to leave the children with him, give him custody and pay child sujpport? I bet not

 

Be careful what you wish for. Two of my workmates were once in your shoes. Neither one of them are happy. One now lives alone and the other with her second husband. None of their children want anything to do with them and they never get to see their grand children, not even at Chirstmas.

 

It could happen to you. Time to ask yourself, are you willing to take that chance?

 

Why not try a different therapist?

[Viv]

Hi, im speaking as someone whose ex avoided conflict at all costs. He couldn't stand up to or disagree with anyone, including me. He left, saying he had been unhappy etc. and the thing is, if he had ever told me if anything was wrong, I would have been so happy to know and to try and change it. Marriage is about honesty and respect and if your partner assumes that you are being upfront with them, how will they ever be able to work on your relationship if they think they are doing ok?