Does this guy need to get a freaking life or what?

[greyskies]

my ex is so f--king screwed up for this. Oh me and him have been split up for like 6 months but he comes around almost daily and its really getting to me now. Well the whole time i was with this jerk I did anything for him and anyone he knew or loved. Bought him a new car, and wardrobe, computers, gas B-B-Q, 600.00 dollar boxes of cigars for his dad, lottery tickets up the ying yang and on and on and on. I got from him a piece of paper telling me that he purchased a star in the sky for me and it was named my name. So its mine. And an orange, and a baby blanket, why i couldnt tell you. Well his bday is in march and i went and got him a tool bag full of tools and he loves dickies so I got im two new dickie out fits as well. and a beautiful 15.00 cake which him and his mom threw in the trash.

 

Well yesterday was my birthday and it was such a sad day i cried the whole day and evening. Because i was helping a friend of his get his car tuned up so he could get it smogged so he wouldnt lose his so called job. Well after his car was done I took him to go pick it up him and his girlfriend. Well his gf and i are in my car when she says look theres Jeff. I look and there he goes laughing and waving at me and so was this girl whom i met once and heard from a reliable source that **** was a tramp. Well needless to say since we are still intimate i was a little shaken up. Well that evening around 3 am he comes waltzing in to my bedroom and lays down and pulls me close. That just made me feel so much better. Well around seven in the moring my cell is ringing offf the hook so I finally answer it and its that chick and im like how in fu(*& did you get my number. Well his friend gave it to her and i was so pist this is on my birthday. well he talks to her jumps up and saysw hes leaving. I stand in front of the door because i wanted him to listen to how i felt about the situation. He listened and he left. we ended up going to the casino and he had no money of cfourse and i paid for him to play. He lost it all and i won 200 put it in pocket and went home. We fell asleep until 2 he left. he asked me to split my winnings with him so i did and he left no hug no happy birthday nothing. No gift no card

[Red Flag Rick]

date this gal and get a car....

 

i am not surprised he still hangs around... if i could find a gay ATM machine to date, i would too... actually, not really... but it just amazes me that you continue to allow this... it is extremely disrespectful...

 

and i am not talking about him. i think you are disrespecting yourself by allowing yourself to be used like this... and i am sure you know this...

 

have you given any thought to how you are going to finalize this relationship with the Sponge? You call him your ex, but it sure appears to be current...

 

i sure do see some red flags...

 

you allow him to enter your home at 3am, jump in the sheets, and leave at 7am? and his reward is a casino trip with money to spend, and when he loses this money and you win, you split your winnings with him after another night in your bed?

 

no offense, babe, but this is big time Jerry Springer...

 

you obviously cannot finalize the relationship so you give him access and keep dangling little trinkets and carrots in front of him...

 

given any thought to why you are doing this?

is the sex that good and is it worth all this drama and abuse?

given any thought to the fact that you might be able to do better?

given any thought to changing your door locks?

given any thought to examining your own self worth?

 

i can tell you right now that you are not placing enough value on yourself, and that has everything to do with this continual cycle of Jerry Springer bs...

 

it sure would be nice to set a goal of having done enough work on yourself and your self-esteem so that on your next birthday, you will have found a man who treats you better than the Sponge... so you can enjoy your next birthday.

 

if you have any desire to change your world and nab better quality guys, it doesn't start with finding the right guy, it starts with you.

 

and changing the locks and closing your purse is strongly suggested.

 

start telling yourself that you are worth more than this, and start questioning why you have such low self-esteem that you have to turn into The Price Is Right when it comes to the men in your life...

 

you are definitely worth spending a little time on yourself, so it looks like its time for a change in the way you think.

 

and this will hopefully lead to a change in the way you perceive yourself.

and this will hopefully lead to a change in the way you act.

and this will hopefully lead to a change in the quality of men you accept.

 

and before you spend another penny on someone, spend it on you. find a professional to chat with about why you make bad choices.

 

there's definitely a better way to live.

[Qicah]

He is obviously a gold digger. Don't let him use you again or don't let him treat you this way. Don't spend another penny for him either, mind you he will keep coming back until he'll get what he wants from you and it's probably the money he is up to.

 

You don't deserve this!!!

[Good2Go]

Great Post from Red Flag Rick!

 

Look Baby, if I was gonna use you, I'd use his same M.O. He's good at it and you are falling for it.

 

WALK AWAY!

[greyskies]

I want to walk so bad I can taste it I dont know what it is about this guy but I just cant reject him. He and anyone really who is in need or needs help I am always there for them. When I help people it feels good but its really taking its toll on me because once I do one time every single person always comes back again. Like the other day I had my oil changed by a SO CALLED FRIEND AND WHEN HE BROUGHT THE CAR BACK IT WOULDNT START. SO I TALKED TO HIM AND SAID IT WOULDNT START SAID HE WOULD COME LOOK AT IT GOT IT STARTED AND HELD HIS HAND OUT. I WAS FURIOUS. HE ACTUALLY PULLED A WIRE ON THE CAR SO THAT I WOULD CALL HIM AND ASK HIM TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG SO I WOULD HAVE TO PAY HIM AGAIN. WELL I TOLD HIM TO KISS MY ROYAL ARSE.

[Embee]

Uhhh. Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More." I highly recommend it. My therapist sent me to some 12 step meetings. If you aren't religious though, the 12 step meetings will seem like a cult. I just liked talking to a therapist. These patterns of wanting to please others and sacrificing yourself constantly are so ingrained that it is really hard to stop without therapy.

[FolderWife]

How old are you?

[befuddled11]

Wakey wakey!

 

You have no right to complain about all the money you spent on him, while you 2 were together. I'm sure he didn't put a gun to your head and force you to dole out the cash. You did that of your own free will. Now why you did it all, is beyond me...but.

 

You say you've been split up for 6 months now...yet you're still out there buying him birthday presents and stuff? Again, who's the screwed up one? Why would you do that? Why complain if you make the choice to blow your money on someone you b*tch about?

 

And why continue to put out for him, if all you do is b*tch about him? He likely just thinks you're pretty much a doormat, and an easy lay to boot.

[greyskies]

And im old enough to know better. thirtysomething. Any how yeah you guys are so right it is my fault. and here I am still try ing to actually buy myself some love I assume. It may stem from the fact that I was seperated from my huge family at a young age and know where they all are but none of them want anything to do with me and havent seen me since. What could I have done at the age of 8 to make 6 older brothers 1 older sister and my mother and father disown me forever? Maybe thats why im so willing to do what I do just to have someone in my life. Wow what a drag.

[Reckless]

I had to add my voice to that of the excellent posts by BF11, Rick and the rest. I'm not one to just yell therapy at anyone with the slightest problem but it really does seem as you might benefit from investing in a little professional help because you seem to have at least a grasp on the fact that you are trying to buy affection and allowing yourself to be used, but you don't seem to have any idea how to stop.

 

Of course the short answer is to absolutely refuse to spend money on friends and lovers and see how many stick around for you and not your bankbook, but I fear that would be too difficult for you to do cold turkey like that. If you're feeling strong, try giving friends and family homemade presents that represent your love (and time invested) but don't cripple you.

 

Notice I haven't mentioned your ('ex'?) boyfriend because he really isn't the problem here. As has been said he's only doing what you allow him to do - if you lie on the floor and write 'wipe feet here' on your back you cannot expect not to be treated like a doormat.

 

Speaking of which, have terms changed since I was single, how is a man you're seeing every day, sleeping with, buying presents for, taking out, giving money to and probably washing his damn undies for, your ex? What does the term mean nowadays?

 

I don't mean to make you feel bad but maybe if enough people scream 'WAKE UP!!' you might just roll out of bed and get to work. Learn about splitting up the old fashion way (no contact, no money, no sex) since your ex needs to be kicked firmly to the curb and get to work on your self esteem, sense of self worth. Find some genuine role models, good friends that love you for you and remember, love doesn't come wrapped in $100 dollar bills.

 

You my dear, are selling yourself short.

[greyskies]

Without you people here on LS? Thank you Good2go, Qicah, RedflagRick, Embee, Monday, Befuddled11, and Reckless. I most likely wont do the professional help thing. I just know myself, but as long as I write about stuff I seem to deal with them better. So I went and got me a journel. And I am going to try to stay away from him.

 

Well last night he called and I wanted to see him and of course I tried to incourage that by telling him I got him a few things at the store. Well when I was saying it a feeling came over me of shame and belittlement. When he said no he would not come over. This was at 4:00 am. But I was welcome to come there if I wanted to.

 

I jumped out of bed and headed to his house and suddenly my car dies out on me. I call him and tell him and he refused to come get me. So I ended up asking some strange man to give me a ride. I get there and hes asleep. So I get in bed next to him wrap my arms around him and fall asleep. We wake-up to the sound of someone knocking on his window. Its a mutual friend of ours. He acted like he was wondering what I was doing there and when I spoke to him he ignored me. (My b/f)

 

I left with the guy who came to the window to check on my car and then had him drop me off somewhere else. Well after reading all your post I really seen what I ended up doing was making this guy lose all respect for me. He treats me the way I treat myself. Well thats the end of that I will not call him ever. And if he calls me I am not gonna answer. Cause if I do Ill be puddy in his hands. Thanks again you guys I would have never seen the truth without your feed back.

[Reckless]

Greyskies,

 

What about doing a little reading (to go with your journal). 'Co-dependant no more; (recommended by Embee), it very good and there are countless self help books you can get at a store or over the internet - try Amazon or any other online bookstore ('Women who love to much' is another good one).

 

Thing is, the kind people at Loveshack can only do so much - they can't take your hand and walk you through every situation and changing long held habits and patterns of behavior is incredibly difficult. Still Bravo for the change of attitude and even though you fell at this recent hurdle you at least got a good idea of what you were doing. I guess a start is seeing your behavior for what it is.

 

I have to admit your last post was painful reading, it reminded me of a little abandoned girl willing to scavenge on a heap of trash because she's starving to death and it made me sooo sad. Again this isn't to humiliate you but it does touch me that there are people so desperate for love they will take distaine, contempt and humiliation and say 'that'll do'.

 

Maybe next time (sorry there will be a next time) you'll just kind of step out of yourself - you ever have those moments? when you can see yourself as others see you? Sitting in a car at 4am, rushing to a guy that has told you he doesn't want to see you and clearly doesn't care if you live or are murdered on the freeway, just so you can put your arms around him in the feeble hope he'll give you some scrap of attention and you'll think 'What the f*** am I doing?! How sad am I!!'

 

Well, Grey, it's all been said, try and not see him again but more than that reflect on the low standards you've set for yourself, tell yourself you are not some starving little street rat you are precious and of value and somewhere, someday someone will love you for who you are and want to be with you. Some guy will want to jump in the car at 4am to be with YOU and thank God for the privilege of HIM putting his arms around YOU.

 

Have faith.

 

Reckless.

[greyskies]

Reality sucks. Yeah what you put in there reckless. And all those pains from the past come rushing in again. Its so hard for me to understand why a women such as myself can even go on living this life. I think Im very good people and Im honest and loyal and pretty as hell. My selfesteem is in tack but my worth is very very low. How can it be anything but when Im my age and have never been married was molested throughout my childhood only to have two beautiful daughters from the man who told me when I tell they will hate me (my family) and when I did they did. So you see I cant be anything but desperate because I think I must be acting that way so it scares people away. I dont know but Im so lonely anymore. But I am so grateful for the time you have taken to respond to my post. Im hearing you but I feel like im going backward right now. Im going to get this crying out of my system and reflect on a few things and see how I feel. Ill try downloading the books you mentioned. Thank You so so much!

 

LC

[Kat]

I am sorry but your first post makes no sense at all

[FolderWife]

Oh greyskies.....*sigh* I was you once too...at the age of 19. I had this loser boyfriend, who made no effort to see me, and crashed at my apartment all the time. I'd go running to him whenever he was available, but he'd never ever come running to me. I was always so clingy, and so desperate, and my mom tried to point out to me how desperate I looked, but I wouldn't listen...I loooooved him.

 

Finally, one night I gave him my virginity, and the next day he didn't come and visit when he was supposed to. When he called, I cried and told him I thought he was going to leave me since I gave him my virginity. We only talked for 5 minutes that night. Then, the next night, it was the same thing. The next day, he called, and told me that I had one chance to tell him the truth...I was like, ok? He said, "Did you have sex with your ex boyfriend?" I said, "No..." He said, "Well, he said you did."

 

Ok, I dumped this said ex, because he was a liar. He'd lie about nothing! You'd call, on a sunshiny day, and he'd say, "it's raining outside"...just a stupid lie for no reason.

 

I begged and pleaded with the guy who took my virginity to believe me, but he refused. He dumped me. He found me, saw how desperate I was, took my viriginity, and just dumped me. I was a worthless peice of **** to him.

 

After that, I found another guy who was great to me. He dumped me too. I was too desperate.

 

By the time I met my husband, I hated men pretty much. I was so bitter from being used and tossed aside. My husband would get up at 6 a.m. on his day off(sunday), and drive 2 hours to my home town, so he could go to church with me. On his day off during the week (Wednesday), he'd get up at 6a.m., drive 2 hours to my hometown, pick me up, and take me the 15 minute drive to work. Then, he'd hang around my hometown for a few hours, then he'd pick me up, and take me to lunch for an hour. Then he'd drop me back off at work, and when my quitting time rolled around, he'd pick me up again, and take me to church, where we'd sit quietly for an hour and a half, then he'd take me home. I would tell him every night to call me at 9p.m. on the dot, and if he didn't call by 9:05, I turned the ringer off my phone, and went to sleep.

 

I had the attitude with him that if he didn't call on time, then he wasn't worth my time. This guy who'd drive 4 hours round trip to see me for an hour.

 

The only way to get what you deserve, is to let the man do the chasing. Look how hard my HUSBAND chased me. Look how hard I chased that USER LOSER!

 

See yourself in my post. I got dumped by loser user around July 6th 2003. I was married to my now husband in April of 2004. It's not like you are going to waste your life looking for Mr. Right if you don't chase after every man you go out with. If you relax, live your life for you and your children, spend your money on you and your children, and just LOVE YOURSELF AND NOT LET ANY STINKIN MAN WALK ALL OVER YOU, then the man you are meant to be with will come around, and will do anything in his power to be around you whenever he can...just like my man did.

 

Don't settle for a man who's settling for you. Ditch this USER LOSER you have, and make the next one work for you. You deserve a man who'll put out an effort to be with you...so don't settle for anything less!

 

Like you said, don't call him, and if he calls you, don't answer, because he doesn't love you. He just uses you for sex and money. You deserve better.

 

He doesn't love you. You love him, but he doesn't love you. He's a selfish loser incapable of love, who doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you, so don't let him use you any more. He is not worth your love. Get rid of him, and give all that love you gave him to yourself. You will be amazed at the results. Look, I got married less than a year after I lost my USER LOSER.

[FolderWife]

Let me just add one thing: I am obviously on this board, because I am having problems with my husband. My problem is that he looks at porn, and lies about it to me, and that breaks my heart. Every time I think about how horrible he is to me by lying to me, and not caring about my feelings, I think that I ought to just leave him, because I deserve better. Then, I remember all the men that I had before him that used me for sex or money....and I remember how he made so much of an effort to see me. I remember all the crap he put up with (wanting to talk to me, falling asleep, waking up at 9:20 to call me, and not getting to talk to me because I'd turned the ringer off my phone..*my husband has to get up at 3a.m. to go to work, so when he says he fell asleep at 8:30, I believe him...he still dozes off on the couch sometimes*). I remember how HE paid for all the lunches, and HE put gas in my car, and HE bought ME $130 worth of roses one time, because he made me mad...and I remember how he was willing to put $3000 worth of diamonds on my left hand to marry me, without even having had sex with me.

 

That's love. Those other guys would SAY they were going to marry me, but once I slept with them, they ditched me like poop on a stick. My husband loved me, and spent a fortune for me to have the exact wedding ring set that I'd always dreamed of, to make it official that he was going to marry me, even though I WOULD NOT sleep with him.

 

My husband calls me at work. My husband rubs my back. My husband cooks me dinner practically every night. My husband will get up early on his day off, and make me breakfast. My husband wants me to come to bed with him, because he falls asleep better when I'm there beside him. My husband loves me. My husband is a human being who makes the mistake of watching sex on TV, even though it hurts me, but my husband loves me. My husband LOVES me, and he SHOWS IT.

 

Your USER LOSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU. My USER LOSER DID NOT LOVE ME. I loved him. You love him. But they didn't/don't love us. Get rid of this man who is playing with your heart for his own selfish reasons, and find you a man that you have trivial problems with.

 

Yes, I married a man who does something that I don't like....but at least he wants me around.

[greyskies]

Thank you for your time. I just wanted to say (What is it about your husband watching porn that bothers you?) I hope you dont get or feel intimidated by tv chicks? I would rather have my man watching porn then actually going out with them. I enjoy watching porn as well and watch it alone and with my partners. When I watch them I get excited and I learn from them too. New postions, hairdo's, and new ways to moan and squeek. Lol j/k but hey give your guy a break I say if you dont like porn your uppity and a prude. Hang loose my friend he will love you even more then he does now.

[FolderWife]

He gets an attitude when he watches porn. He gets so mean! Since he's stopped watching it again, he's turned back into Mr Perfect.

 

Also, in previous months, he's whack off to porn so much, that he couldn't keep an erection long enough to have sex with me for five minutes, even when he wanted to!

 

Also, when he watches porn, he starts to critisize how I look! I'm thin, and very pretty, but he'll comment on how my hair looks, or how my thighs look, or my bulgy belly, or call me a pig when I get something to eat! When he doesn't look at porn, he calls me gorgeous and beautiful, but when he does, he gets into his head that I should look like those porn stars.

 

Also, whenever he looks at porn, he lies about it. Even when I told him it was ok, he'd still lie about it. Even when I would admit that I'd watched it, or that I was looking for some to watch, HE STILL HID IT.

 

I'm not saying that I had to know every stinkin time, but sometimes when I would be in the mood, I'd ask, to make sure I wasn't wasting my time. He'd lie. I'd start to work for an hour, and when after all the rubbing and kissing in the world, he still had a limp noodle, I'd get frusterated, get online, and find an hours worth of porn he'd watched earlier and lied about. Then I'd get mad.

 

I watched porn, and looked at Playboy and stuff, and I'd have loved it if he'd join me....but he wouldn't. And he gets so mean and rude when he does. It's gotten to the point that porn makes me sick! I used to enjoy it with the rest of the world, but I'm sickened by it now.

 

So there's my story...I'm an in NO WAY a prude, I'm just a woman scorned.