husband wants to sperm done to a friend-thoughts?

[sensitive1]

I am not sure how to think about this. My husband of 1 year (been together 8 years) has been asked to donate his sperm to his sisters girlfriend. We are both in our 40's and I have gone through menopause and cant get pregnant.

 

I know my husband wants a child, but this would not be his child technically. His sisters girlfiend (they used to be a couple, but broke it off) is approaching 50 and wants a child.

 

We would see this child at family functions unless the mother moved away from the family. again, they are not married or a couple anymore...just friends.

 

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. how would you feel as the wife of the known sperm doner?

[sally4sara]

I am not sure how to think about this. My husband of 1 year (been together 8 years) has been asked to donate his sperm to his sisters girlfriend. We are both in our 40's and I have gone through menopause and cant get pregnant.

 

I know my husband wants a child, but this would not be his child technically. His sisters girlfiend (they used to be a couple, but broke it off) is approaching 50 and wants a child.

 

We would see this child at family functions unless the mother moved away from the family. again, they are not married or a couple anymore...just friends.

 

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. how would you feel as the wife of the known sperm doner?

 

So this woman's options for getting pregnant are such that she needs your husband to do it or she can't have a child?

 

And your husband wants a child but you, like her only for a different reason can't easily achieve it? You do know you can get pregnant after menopause right? Its complicated, but not impossible.

 

I don't think I'd be down for this. If he wants a child so badly that he will have one with someone who might just disappear with the kid and make a relationship with the kid difficult, then he should be instead thinking of how the two of you could raise a kid together even if it requires a surrogate.

 

Both genders carry risks inherent to a child conceived after 40. Women have a higher risk of having a child with Down's Syndrome and men have a higher risk of having a child with birth defects. Does he just want to see if his swimmers are still potent or is he craving fatherhood? What happens if the kid comes out Down Syndrome with birth defects? Have they even thought this through very much yet. Are they unwilling to sit down with you and talk about your concerns as being equal to their own? This isn't something that has nothing to do with you; you're his wife.

[sensitive1]

Well I think the motivation here is for his sister......even though the two women are not a couple anymore they are still very good friends. My husband did talk to me about it, and I could not organize my feelings. one thought is that he is doing this for his sister.....the other is the complications to the family......and i just dont know how i would take the thought of him being a "baby daddy".......but not really.

 

I have a son from a previous marraige and know the joys a child brings into your life.......in this case I think he would just feel heartache not being a part of the babys life. they live over 2 hours away......and I dont think he would be welcomed in the parenting role by the mother. His sister would help raise the baby.....that is until the mother found another woman and fell in love.......it seems to be just a big mistake.

 

it is just so wierd.

[KathyM]

I am not sure how to think about this. My husband of 1 year (been together 8 years) has been asked to donate his sperm to his sisters girlfriend. We are both in our 40's and I have gone through menopause and cant get pregnant.

 

I know my husband wants a child, but this would not be his child technically. His sisters girlfiend (they used to be a couple, but broke it off) is approaching 50 and wants a child.

 

We would see this child at family functions unless the mother moved away from the family. again, they are not married or a couple anymore...just friends.

 

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. how would you feel as the wife of the known sperm doner?

Heck, no. Don't allow your husband to be used by this other woman. That would create a lifetime bond between the two of them. Not a good thing. She can go to a sperm bank, just like everyone else in her position. If your husband wants a child, you two should look into adoption or adopting a foster child. Seriously, you would be jeopardizing your marriage if you went along with this.

[Afishwithabike]

No!! Absolutely not.

 

There's no way this scenario would be acceptable to me.

 

Since I married him, his sperm belongs to me and no other women.

 

I think by doing this, you are likely opening a Pandora's Box and you don't realize the consequences for this far-reaching, life altering event. A child will be born. A child who is your husband's biological child. He's going to form an attachment to his child. It's only natural. It's going to be so hard on him to see the child, but not be involved in a big way.

 

Sorry, I don't see anything good coming out of this scenario where you're concerned. You are putting your marriage at risk. You can say now that you're not, but trust me, you are.

 

What about potential child support issues? If he's going to be listed as the father on a birth certificate, I wonder what implications that brings to your financial life.

 

There are sperm banks these days. Why can't they use one of those? Or is it they prefer to have a familial connection? I think it's a HUGE imposition and a HUGE favor to ask someone to donate sperm (or eggs). That kind of thing has to be voluntary. Someone shouldn't ask another.

 

My two cents.

[Stung]

I tend to lean towards the belief that this situation is likely to complicate your marriage and potentially lead towards the perception of divided loyalties. However, if I read correctly, you mentioned that this woman is both your husband's ex and his sister's ex, and the sister and the woman are still extremely good friends and considering raising this child together? I wonder how much of the woman's desire to use your husband's sperm actually comes from the sister, in her efforts to tie the child to her in the only way she can. Does the sister have children of her own? Perhaps the situation can best be addressed through her.

 

I am not opposed to the general idea of conceiving and raising children with friends. One of my best friends is gay, and he and his husband and I talked about such an arrangement at one point, but at the time I felt I was too young and now I am married and have children with my husband--but the dynamics there were wildly different, and also I would have always been the child's mother and not just some kindly stranger. The arrangement you're talking about involves so many exes and tenuous connections that I think it would make me, personally, uncomfortable.

 

Have you and your husband considered adoption? What about his sister?

[StoneCold]

Does he get to have sex with her? or does he have to jerk off into a test tube?

 

 

Also... apporaching 50 and wants a BABY? is this a smart idea?

[sally4sara]

Heck, no. Don't allow your husband to be used by this other woman. That would create a lifetime bond between the two of them. Not a good thing. She can go to a sperm bank, just like everyone else in her position. If your husband wants a child, you two should look into adoption or adopting a foster child. Seriously, you would be jeopardizing your marriage if you went along with this.

 

Since the woman in question is a lesbian I highly doubt any bond that would be forged would be the kind that results in the old D in P.

[GorillaTheater]

Cryobanks are expensive, but one thing they do is extensive testing of the donor to ensure there are no potential genetic issues. The H may not even be aware of what he may be carrying.

 

I didn't learn that I was a carrier of the gene that cause Cystic Fibrosis until I became a sperm donor back in the 80s.

[Stung]

Okay, some synapses misfired and I read something totally wrong and thought the woman in question had been with BOTH the husband and his sister at different times, which colored my answer somewhat.

 

Just his sister's gf, okay.

 

I would still have some reservations, simply due to how difficult it might be for your husband to remain at a remove from his own child if he is considering this out of an emotional need for a child of his own. I can totally understand his sister's motivation here, if she is trying to have a child and bind herself to it the only way she can, but I still wonder if it's wise for her to try this with an ex rather than a current. Nobody can really know the dynamics there, though, as none of us have even met the relevant parties and every relationship is so different.

 

If your husband feels he wants to support his sister, and thinks her friendly relationship with her ex is stable, AND thinks he can handle being kept at a remove from the progeny--I would really consider it, and maybe consult a family lawyer to hammer out a proposition amenable to everyone. However, those are some very big ifs, and that's without even touching on the age issue. I'm not against older parents--my husband and I are considering trying for another baby in a year or two, when I will be late 30s and he will be early 40s--but 50 is really pushing it, IMHO.

[sensitive1]

No my H has never been involved with this women. His sister was in a relationship with her for many years and just borke it off 1 1/2 years ago, but they are still close. I think my H is torn because of the sister link. He would never think of doing this with someone he did not know.

 

There is no plan for intercourse.......not sure if a doctor will be involved either. The problem with using a regular sperm doner bank IS the cost.

 

I guess many years ago before my H was married, and the sister was in love with her girlfirend there was some talk about donating sperm on his part. But this conversation was when he was in his 20's and she in her 30's.

 

He currently has my son which is his stepson......but my H rarely goes to his sports or school functions.

 

I just think this would tear my H to pieces or tear me to pieces knowing he has had a child with another woman while we were married......be it whatever method.

 

If you ask how I feel......my answer is absolutely not. Yet he is feeling the attachment to his sister and seriously considering it. so I feel selfish in not wanting him to do it.

 

I think it may end up tearing us apart. Unless I shut my feelings down.

[Linda9999]

I can't think of any scenario where this would be OK with me. Because I would not want my husband fathering a child with another woman, and because there's no way I could support a 50 year old who wanted a baby.

[Try]

I know my husband wants a child

 

We would see this child at family functions unless the mother moved away from the family.

The above two statements taken together spell real trouble. This child will be in your life and this will create major issues. No matter what your H says now, he may not feel the same way about it later. If the child wants to get to know your H better will he say no? If the child starts talking to him like a son to father will your H reject him? How would you feel if your H took out a loan to help the child with school?

 

Once you allow this to happen there is no turning back. In the future, if your H had to decide between his W and his child, the W (you) may not win.

 

If I were you I would not let this happen and I would be forceful in saying no.

[Linda9999]

So he has a need to spread his DNA? Because that's all I can think it is. He isn't going to be a dad in any real sense (if he wanted to it sounds like he already could be to your stepson). Tell him to go whack off in a cup so you don't have to see the results in your face at every family function.

 

I'm sorry but he is not thinking straight. He would jeopardize your marriage over this? Really? He needs a 2x4 for sure!!

[Linda9999]

Oh, and not to mention that in 20 years the mom will be 70 if she's even alive, and who is going to be left dealing with the child then?

[Afishwithabike]

Don't shut your feelings down. If you do this, it has to be done after everyone has talked openly and honestly. This has to have your approval. Your feelings matter a great deal. If you already feel like an outsider to this proposition, you're going to feel like even more of an outsider later on.

 

Without a doctor involved and no penetration, how are you going to do it? Using a turkey baster? I'm not trying to be funny, but I'm curious. Usually a doctor is involved in an artificial semination. Unless your husband is a doctor or the other woman or the sister is a doctor, I think you won't be successful doing artificial insemination on your own and likely multiple attempts will be needed.

 

If this happened to be a solidly married same sex couple, it would be one thing, but you're talking about his sister and her exgirlfriend. There's not a solid relationship there. It sounds to me like the sister is hoping that this baby will bring her exgirlfriend closer. Having a baby to solidfy any relationship is a very bad idea. Babies are so stressful. If they already have a weak relationship, the baby may be the tipping point.

 

And what happens to your husband if his sister and this woman have problems?

 

What if this woman and your sister become estranged to the point this woman moves far away?

 

What if she doesn't move away, but for whatever reason she refuses to allow him contact? Can he handle that?

 

Definitely hammer out a contractual agreement before your H does anything. Sometimes child support can be collected retroactively years later. Something to think about.

[KathyM]

Since the woman in question is a lesbian I highly doubt any bond that would be forged would be the kind that results in the old D in P.

A lesbian, huh? Still not a good idea. The married couple should seek adoption or taking on a foster child if the husband wants a child so much. And the lesbian should seek an adoption or foster child as well, or go to a sperm bank. No reason to complicate or put a strain on one's marriage over this. I would not want my husband impregnating other women, whether through physical means or artificial. That's what sperm banks are for. Or do the world a favor and take on a foster child. That would be a very rewarding experience.

[Try]

There is no plan for intercourse.......not sure if a doctor will be involved either. The problem with using a regular sperm doner bank IS the cost.

If the cost of a sperm bank is an issue today, you will be supporting this child later. Courts look out only for the child and do not care what was promised by the adult parties.

 

If you ask how I feel......my answer is absolutely not. Yet he is feeling the attachment to his sister and seriously considering it. so I feel selfish in not wanting him to do it.

You are being sold a load of bull**** if they have you thinking that saying no is "selfish". It is not selfish at all. You are normal, the request is what is selfish. She has other options but specially wants your husband's sperm.

 

As his W, you have a right to feel the way that you do about this. You have a right to say no to this unreasonable request. Your H has no right to pressure you into saying otherwise. Do not let him or you will live to regret it. Again, saying no is not selfish, as it is only reasonable.

[Stung]

Well, initially you sounded much more uncertain of your reaction. If you know that this would hurt you and jeopardize your marriage, I can't imagine what your husband is thinking in even considering pursuing this course--particularly as the potential mother is not even involved with his sister anymore.

 

I can understand that if your sister-in-law is desperate for children, she is grasping at this straw, and if your husband's clock is ticking he feels a primitive call. Still, they both need to take a step back and really assess the situation before the do irrevocable damage to your marriage with their own self-centered behavior.

 

A question: if your husband feels such a strong call to fatherhood, why is he not more supportive of your son? I am a step-parent as well as a parent, and I understand that step-parenting can be a very complex dynamic, but I do regard myself as my stepdaughter's third parental figure and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

[Woman In Blue]

This whole thing has an ick factor of 100+.

 

What 50 year old woman decides to get pregnant? The chances of that baby being 100% normal can't be that high due to her age. Is your husband prepared for the possibility of helping to create a child with Down's Syndrome or some other abnormality?

 

I don't envy the position this puts you in.

[sensitive1]

I am not sure why he is not more active with my son. I think there may be some jealousy on the part of my husband. My son lives with his dad and i have him every weekend. my H seems to always find a reason why he cant go....work.....football.....sports.

 

I was uncertain when I posted this earlier.......but after thinking and thinking......i deceided i dont like the idea of the sperm donation.

 

If i come out and put my foot down....I am sure I will be labled the b*tch that doesnt like it. I am sure this would get thrown back at me later at some point. My H has to come to his own conclusion to say no.

 

I agree.....why cant they find someone else to get a "freebie" from.

[sally4sara]

I am not sure why he is not more active with my son. I think there may be some jealousy on the part of my husband. My son lives with his dad and i have him every weekend. my H seems to always find a reason why he cant go....work.....football.....sports.

 

I was uncertain when I posted this earlier.......but after thinking and thinking......i deceided i dont like the idea of the sperm donation.

 

If i come out and put my foot down....I am sure I will be labled the b*tch that doesnt like it. I am sure this would get thrown back at me later at some point. My H has to come to his own conclusion to say no.

 

I agree.....why cant they find someone else to get a "freebie" from.

 

Dear Sensitive,

 

If your husband can't get over himself enough to take part in the life of your biological child, why would you need to shut down your feelings enough to numb and go along with this situation for him to get his bio child with another woman AFTER marrying you? Is he somehow more entitled to his feelings and wants than you? Sounds like a lot of issues going on in the mix and adding one more before sorting the ones you already got probably isn't the best idea.

[Try]

If i come out and put my foot down....I am sure I will be labled the b*tch that doesnt like it. I am sure this would get thrown back at me later at some point. My H has to come to his own conclusion to say no.

No he does not have to come to his own conclusion for you to express your feelings on this. This is such a serious long term issue that your feeling must be allowed to matter. You will either be labeled a "b*tch" now or you will be labeled an even bigger "b*tch" later when you try to deal with the implication of a decision that your H is making for the both of you.

 

Stand up for yourself now on this. The negative repercussion from him on this will be short lived and pale by comparison when comparied to the long term negative repercussion if this is allowed to happen.

[Eeyore79]

If your husband donates sperm to this woman, he will be financially responsible for the child, even if he has no involvement with the mother or the child. It will cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars. Don't do it.

 

See this news article from a few years ago - a man donated sperm to a lesbian couple, and was forced to pay so much child support that he can't afford to have children with his own wife. http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article2994783.ece

[sensitive1]

Thank youfor thes "eye opening" article! as for now he has deceided to say no to her. hasn't done it yet because he doesnt want to hurt her feelings. so i sure hope we are out of the woods on this one.

 

thank you for everyones feedback! i am somewhat releaved but he needs to tell her NO.