Tony?

[Joe]

Tony I read a post by you expressing that it is very important to get your anger out. I am having a problem with this. My ex cheated on me throughout the relationship and it's been 2 months since we broke up. I've been going to the therapist once a week and still I can't get the anger to surface. All I feel is pain, sadness and want to help her because she is using drugs and her life is literally crumbling right in front of her. Yet this was her choice and now she is paying the consequences, I realize this. My therapist is also concerned about this. Also I know this is probably of no importance but I just want your opinion. Me and my ex had a meeting about a week ago, of course with the new ass**** waiting in the car. She told me she feels ashamed and guilty when she sees me, she wants no contanct from me, fine, but that she didn't think she ever loved, we lived together for three years. My therapist thinks that's not true, she's lying to herself to push me away. Why would she feel guilty and ashamed if she didn't have feelings for me. And her new squeeze is probably putting pressure on her. What do you think? I am trying to get over her, but it is tough! But this not ever loving me thing, I felt like I swallowed my heart!! Why can't I feel anger toward her???????

[Paulie]

I'm ridiculously tired, and going to bed now; but in short...because you are still in love with this bitch (I don't write b*tch like most people here, I use the full word when it's warranted). I'll give ya a full response tomorrow. Hang in there, dude.

 

[Tony T]

She feels guilty and ashamed because she mislead you for three years, she mislead herself. She feels guilty for cheating on you and she feels guilty for being the sleezebag that she really is.

 

She doesn't want to see you anymore because you are a reminder to her of what a lowlife piece of crap she is. There is no doubt in my mind that you were very kind and generous to her and gave her a great deal of genuine and sincere love. She feels guilty about accepting that when there were no true feelings of reciprosity on her part.

 

You are not able to feel the anger yet because in your childhood, you were forbidden from feeling anger. You were made to repress it. You want to help her with her drug problem and her crumbling life, again, because of your dysfunctiuonal, codependent background. You have to learn that other people's lives are NOT your responsibility. You cannot let other people's problems bring you down. You did enough for her and she paid you back with a kick in the ASS. Enough now!!

 

In your case, you may have to learn that often your kindness and generosity will be returned with exactly the opposite. It is my guess that this is a pattern that you have gone through many times. STOP caring about her crumbling life right now...it is not your place to worry about. Her life is HER responsiblity. I hereby officially declare, by the authority vested in me by The United Nations Security Counsil, E. Pluribus Unun, that you have done all you can for this girl and, therefore, you are hereby barred and banned from thinking about her welfare any more and being sorry about the direction her life is going. There!!!

 

You are also not feeling anger (YET) because you are still trying to hold on, not willing to admit to yourself that this whole thing is really over. Her coming by to see you with her current victim in the car was an excellent part of your recovery process because she was helping you see just how low class she is and basically telling you she wants no contact with you. That, hopefully, brought you closer to the realization that she is no longer in your life. I personally would have gone out and celebrated.

 

You are probably still in shock because you bestowed your love on a worthless sleeze without realizing it. Although I'm sure you knew things were going on, you sound like the type who doesn't like to readily accept things. There is just no way she could have cheated throughout your relationship without you having some suspicions unless you are challenged in some way you have not disclosed. It is necessary to PAY ATTENTION in relationships.

 

There are various phases to the healing process and you can't force them along, they have to go on naturally. But you will eventually, without any prodding, get to the anger stage. You are probably very reluctant to go there quite yet because getting there will truly signify the END of this deal for all time. The final stage, the one after anger, is acceptance and moving on. My wish is that this happens soon for you.

 

Getting over a relationship can take from a few weeks to a lifetime, depending on the person and issues from their past. If you have abandonment issues from your childhood, it could take you two or three years...or even longer...to recover. That's OK. Just go through what you have to go through.

 

When you do reach the anger stage, you will be angry not only at her for using you, deceiving you, manipulating you, etc. but you will be angry at yourself for letting it happen, for not doing something about it. That will make you a better person.

 

I am going through the anger stage of your recovery right now as I write. I am mad as hell at this zero class, two-timing poor excuse for a human being for doing what she did. Bringing her current boyfriend with her when she met with you was lower than low, knowing how she hurt you. No lady with any feelings or class would do that.

 

When you finally realize that getting rid of the bxtch was the best thing that ever happened to you in your life on this planet, please invite me to the party you throw. Meanwhile, have patience with yourself...you'll get very angry at her in your own good time.

 

One final note: Because your ex slime has NO conscience and does not care about you, your feelings or anything about you and because she is a worthless user, you will hear from her again. I unconditionally guarantee that. It ALWAYS HAPPENS...in every case without exception. When she needs something, could be money, a place to stay...who knows. More than likely, she will tell you she needs money for food, you will feel sorry for her, give her $100 bucks, and she will run straight to her drug dealer for a fresh supply...that's how it usually works with these types.

 

If you lift a finger to help her in any way, you will be fined $100,000,000 for doing so (if you do) plus $1,000,000 for each second you spend talking to her before you hang up the phone or slam the door in her face. That ought to get get your attention!!!

 

If she is hungry, give her the phone number of the nearest food mission or the Salvation Army. They will take care of her. You will be fined for the time you spend telling her that.

[Paulie]

I'm going through almost exactly the same thing right now. In fact, I almost feel as though I got some "free" advice without having to ask this question.

Take Tony's advice to the tee. He's right on. You have to let yourself grieve..however long this takes. To quote one of Tony's previous posts that has stayed with me, "you really deserve great happiness." Ask yourself, "do I deserve better than this?"

 

You have to look at this from an outside perspective-

 

unemotionally, for a moment. Does another human being have the right to treat you, or anybody else, for that matter, like this poor excuse for a girl has treated you?

 

Grieve for WHAT YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS. Not for who she is. Make this distinction in your mind. Cut yourself some slack for not realizing that they were'nt one in the same. It happens to the best of us. If you separate the grieving for who you thought she was, from the ass**** she really is, I think you'll find it easier to feel anger for the latter.

 

I spoke with a close relative of mine recently, who so happens to be a nun. She is also a relationship counselor, and has 50 yrs experience in it. The key thing I took out of this is that this wasn't a lost experience...definitely a lost cause, but not a lost experience. Take all the good attributes that you love about her, and I'm sure there were, among all the bad...and look for those attributes and more in a new person...without all that goddamn baggage.

 

Be true to YOUR journey, and YOUR life, and you will be able to show love to somebody who will love you to the degree you deserve.

 

Remember-

 

Nobody put you in charge of her. She made her bed, she can sleep in it...with whatever poor scumbag she wants.