Marital Bed

[White Flower]

Thanks, WF. I know how I felt when I came here. I was consumed with guilt and struggling with moral and ethical dilemmas and while I didn't need anyone to tell me that I wasn't doing anything wrong, or that it would all work out neatly and easily without causing pain, what I did need was to talk about my situation and hear input from others who had been in my situation. Instead, I sorted through a lot of angry posts to find some insight from either other OW or BW who actually wanted to offer constructive advice. Initially, I expected the latter entirely, and knew I'd hear that I was in for a bumpy ride and may end up hurt, and hurting others. I didn't anticipate responses that were malicious and unproductive. I bristle when I see someone new post looking for advice, because I know that many of the responses that follow will be solely intended to flog them for being such a terrible person.

 

It really undermines the purpose of the board. There is a very distinct line between admonishing someone who seems either clueless about the reality of the situation, or truly doesn't care who gets hurt because they're just looking for excitement, and bullying someone for being involved in the affair, period.

 

 

 

Exactly.

For any new posters reading, please take the advice given here, especially the bolded.

[carrie999]

Silly me, I figured we all KNEW sleeping with a MM/MW was not a good idea. I didn't realize we should have focused on THAT part of the OP's thread vs the having sex in the marital bed

 

Ummm...who do you mean by "we?" This forum is meant for OM/OW. Most of us who are actually OM/OW didn't necessarily seek out a married person, but decided to continue our relationships, and WE are here to talk to others who are or have been in the same situation, or BS/fBS who actually want to lend us some insight without trashing us on general principle.

 

For heaven's sake, the "you aren't being supportive" line has gotten very old. Nice of you to take a dig at former OW with your "dejected" comment. Where is the hostility coming from? You. Why? You haven't been here according to your posts, so I guess you have missed all the other posts/support given to new posters. Instead of lashing out at BS or "dejected" former OW, who are giving their opinions, if you find posts offensive, report them I didn't see a single offensive remark made TO the OP, just about the situation.

 

Really? Maybe you should go back and re-read. So many people come here asking an honest question, and end up walking on eggshells because they really do want support, and have nowhere else to turn. You'll see it in so many OP's responses to their own questions and the angry feedback they've received...they're still hoping to gain some insight without generating hostility. I'm not "lashing out," but I am letting the OP know that the way this board works, she can expect a lot of responses that are not constructive and are based solely on anger, and that she shouldn't feel like she needs to censor herself or agree that she is wrong, or a bad person. There still are plenty of us here who do want to actually HELP her.

 

I am sure you and others can point her in the direction of one of the two 'other' sites that will provide her with the support she needs so badly that she isn't getting here, according to you.

 

Fantastic. Why not just eliminate this board? Would you prefer to keep it open to new OM/OW so that you still have punching bags?

 

Glad you decided that all the people who responded to this thread weren't supportive or helpful enough. At least many of the long time posters are here to help out the new posters, since you aren't here to do it.

 

I never said all...in fact, the ones who actually care about supporting eachother reach out to those who need it. They've reached out to me. The sad thing is that it's like an underground network of actual OM/OW who know they're not safe posting on the board dedicated to them. The wonderful thing is that they ALL keep checking back here looking for people who are essentially shark bait, and they invite them to really talk in a place that is safe for them to do so.

 

I'd like to see some separation of the boards. I'm not advocating for a place where BS are not allowed to post, because some of the best advice I've found here has been from wives who were betrayed. I just think the moderators should act as referees, and more carefully eliminate posts that are incendiary and only intended to cause harm.

 

If that doesn't happen, one of two things will ensue: 1.) This specific forum will be one where other boards look for new members who are vulnerable and need support, or 2.) Those who recruit new members will be ousted, and the real OM/OW who post here will give up and start their own boards or just seek counseling. Fact is, the way things are now, few OM/OW are getting support that they need here. It's either a battleground or a confessional.

[carrie999]

Ouch, Carrie, you are that close to and trusted by the BW that she invites you into her bed? The last time I suffered a betrayal was many years ago by a MM separated from his stbxw but "cheating" with his sbtxw, so it hardly came as surprise and some people might even question who was being betrayed. Still, just seeing you write how close and trusted you are by the BS hit me in the gut as to how people chose to treat each other. I hope you and WS choose to move to a kinder place very soon. Where you are right now can't be a very good place to be.

 

woinlove, I'm not sure how much she trusts me. I think that even if she doesn't know there's an actual A, she knows on some level that he and I have more intense feelings for one another. She's also put herself in a position (literally by pushing him off on me when he needs emotional support, knowingly and willingly) in which she risks losing him by pushing me away. That's a story for another thread, but that is exactly where we are now.

 

Initially, I expected them to live as husband and wife, but eventually I told him clearly that I couldn't be intimate with him while he's intimate with her. That was difficult for him in terms of fear of accelerating the divorce and possibly casting suspicion on us, but easy for him since he basically found her repulsive sexually, and their sex life was practically non-existent. He promised me that he would tell me ahead of time if he thought that the situation would require him to do more than kiss her or sleep in the same bed. The first few months were terrifying, but we're past it now. At this point, we have to deal with the repercussions of their break-up, mostly her reaction to it, and his reaction to hers.

[Severely Unamused]

So, amidst all this discussion of the symbolic meaning of the marital bed, as well as the plight of the new posters on this board, what I want to know is...how are you holding up, happywithme?

[happywithme]

I, correctly, feel like crap about what I've let myself do. And I'm trying to not see this man again.

 

I'm also thinking lots of other thoughts about how I got here and dislike that I've not only been a fool but a frankly mean one too.

[woinlove]

I, correctly, feel like crap about what I've let myself do. And I'm trying to not see this man again.

 

I'm also thinking lots of other thoughts about how I got here and dislike that I've not only been a fool but a frankly mean one too.

 

I hope you do manage not to see him again. If you are tempted you can post here and get some support.

[happywithme]

I'm not going to "see" him that way again. I am just trying to figure out how to work and not see him.

[TurningTables]

I, correctly, feel like crap about what I've let myself do. And I'm trying to not see this man again.

 

I'm also thinking lots of other thoughts about how I got here and dislike that I've not only been a fool but a frankly mean one too.

 

 

Hi Happy. I dont think youve been a mean fool. We make mistakes and we learn from them. Its time to move on. I am sorry that this thread has gone from you seeking answers to what you should do about your situation to ..well..where it obivously went. Everyone got so caught up in the "bed" aspect that they lost sight of your real questions. Im glad you had the courage to post the truth in order to get to the advice you so needed. You cannot undo what is done, so its time to start forgiving yourself and making those tough decisions. Its not easy saying goodbye to someone you thought you loved and/or loved you. However in saying that, when you are outside of the "love", you see things you didnt before. For example: the lack of his respect for you, the sex in his/her bed etc.

 

You said you worked with him and I highly recommend that you find a new position. I know its easier said than done, but in the long run, its going to help you. Its too easy seeing each other at work not to fall back into that same old routine. LC is your solution until you do find something and make sure you loudly declare those boundaries. After that, NC all the way. Trust me, in two or three months, you will start to feel better.

 

Best wishes!