jthorne Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Is this guy your boss?!?! Heavens to Betsy. This is a trainwreck waiting to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Kind of, he hired me to help out with his business. I work part time for him and on the work end have learned a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 TACKY...that's the most civilsed word I can think of. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I understand the shock with it but from OW's as well? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Happy, this is really bad behavior by MM toward his W and toward you. He has little respect for either. You can decide right now that you deserve to be treated better and that you want to treat others well. It's tough letting go of an emotional attachment, even when it is to a man treating you and others poorly, but your self-esteem will begin taking a big hit soon, so you need to demand better for yourself now. You can do it. In addition to posting here, confide in a friend or seek counselling if you need some extra support. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I understand the shock with it but from OW's as well? Yes, from OWs as well. I've heard a few OW who actually enjoy sex in the marital bed, but, frankly, they seem to have issues that run pretty deep and that they aren't working on. People who love themselves want to be treated with respect and to treat others with respect and don't need to set up some fake competition based on lies and deception. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I talked to a male friend of mine once and he about flipped, so we shal see about that. I know its messed up, I'm just used to the business help. And I'm really attached to what I do for him profesionally. But I really can't believe I got myself into this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I understand the shock with it but from OW's as well? To me it screams that the man is passive agressive and gets pleasure out of indirectly screwing his wife over. It also screams that he expresses his anger inappropriately. Having A's say that as well, but doing it in the marital bed takes it to a whole new level. It's bad enough that I was an accomplice to a deception. Link to post Share on other sites
lilagirl Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 It make me feel horrific to be honest. There isn't a concern she will come back during, but I still feel like an even bigger whatever. Hugs hun. One of the things that really helped me deal with my A was to stop doing things that made me feel bad. Sex in the car - ended that. I know you are falling for his lines... and his lines are probably meaningful... to some extent... however don't do something that bothers you. if this is true love, he will respect you and how you feel about it. Yes.. you are with a MM, that doesn't mean you have to put yourself and your emotions in harms way. You deserve to have your own lines, even if you crssed one already. I have never been to STBX MMs house and I never would consider it - however... I am not judging you, I just want you to be true to you. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 When I was at xMMs house I never went into her bedroom. Never nor would he ever have suggested it. Its more than messed up. It suggests that this is some sort of F u to his W because on some level he is getting off on the fact that he is "sticking it to his W" by sleeping with you in the same bed his wife sleeps in. Some counselors have a theory that sometimes (not always but sometimes) the physical act of having sex with the AP is, in some part, an act of aggression towards the spouse and that woudl seem to fit here. Sorry Im sure thats not what you want to hear but its pretty transparent. Why else would he want to do it in the marital bed. Just say no. Tell him it creeps you out and if he wants to stick it to his wife he can do that but hes not using you as a proxy. When you go along with it you are complicit in his hostility towards his spouse and if you have feelings for him you are agreeing to degrade the act of intimacy between you. It becomes ha ha she doesnt know we are doing it in her bed rather than an act between the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Yeah. It has only come up a couple of times there, like I said must of the time it is in his vehicle. He does have some issues with his wife, but over all he says repeatedly he takes care of her and cares for her, and that he has never cheated before and that it is just something that has happened because we have so much in common. I know he can be a bully, and has a tough guy side. But he usually backs off on things if I tell him too (like no condoms etc.). Its just this latest thing with the house that is starting to make me wonder. I tried breaking up with him once and just keeping it profesional. It worked for a few weeks but didn't take. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 It happens because he lives out in the middle of nowwhere and doesn't have money for a hotel or anything. So it has been either his vehicle or that. I don't know what I was thinking getting involved in this, it is wrong I know. I just seem to keep falling for his lines. Wow, sounds like a great catch! Seriously... do you think that's cool, having sex in the same bed, in the same sheets that he has sex with his wife in? He can't afford to take you to a hotel?! OMG, girl if you are an OW you have to have at least SOME standards! :lmao: This guy sounds like a total creep... think about what little regard he has for his W to cheat on her in her own bed! Seriously! Dump this loser, and go find yourself a nice single guy who can afford to take you dinner, movies, and out on dates like a real relationship, not this sneaking around crap. You deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I know. Its the profesional connection that got us together. And he doesn't make a lot of money with it yet. And honestly it doesn't happen that often, and until recently its always been when we are off somewhere. And no, I don't think its cool. Its kind of gross. S^%T. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Yeah, your right. I think I do need a real boyfriend, its just so tricky to have one. Crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happywithme Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I don't know, maybe its the age difference stuff like my friend said. I never thought I'd ever get involved in something like this, he just came on so strong and nicely I felt wanted and it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 It happens because he lives out in the middle of nowwhere and doesn't have money for a hotel or anything. So it has been either his vehicle or that. Why don't you pay for the hotel room? Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Yeah. It has only come up a couple of times there, like I said must of the time it is in his vehicle. He does have some issues with his wife, but over all he says repeatedly he takes care of her and cares for her, and that he has never cheated before and that it is just something that has happened because we have so much in common Sure he hasn't cheated be for Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 It happens because he lives out in the middle of nowwhere and doesn't have money for a hotel or anything. So it has been either his vehicle or that. I don't know what I was thinking getting involved in this, it is wrong I know. I just seem to keep falling for his lines. Yuck. Sorry, but even when I was with a MM, there was no flipping way I would screw him in a CAR or in his marital bed. That is just gross and pathetic. why can't you bring him to your place??? Do you live with your parents? What is the age difference here? Its really out in the middle of nowhere, and yes, he does have neighbors. I work for him there though so I'm not out of the ordinary being there. As for a hotel, since I work for him I'm fairly certain he probably couldn't afford one. And I can't take him to mine. Yes, I have told him, but the thought, and this is so F'd up I'm cringing from it, of doing it in one of the kids room is even worse. C*$p. So you aren't worth a hotel room? Really? You are okay with being used as a place for him to get off? What is wrong with this picture?? You think it is okay to have sex with this guy in his car and his marital bed? And what are you saying about condoms? He doesn't want to use them or you don't want to? Please please do not tell us you have unprotected sex with him? This is sounding creepier and creepier. I cannot understand why you allow this to go on!!! I understand the shock with it but from OW's as well? Yes! Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 It's just a bed. How many people were in a hotel bed before you? What did they do there? "Things" have no significance. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 It's just a bed. How many people were in a hotel bed before you? What did they do there? "Things" have no significance. I beg to differ with you. My marital bed belonged to my grandparents and my children were conceived there. I had planned to pass it on. NOT anymore. And a hotel bed isn't in my bedroom in my home. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I beg to differ with you. My marital bed belonged to my grandparents and my children were conceived there. I had planned to pass it on. NOT anymore. And a hotel bed isn't in my bedroom in my home. Our home burned to the ground when I was a baby. Everything was destroyed. Baby pictures or other mementos of my older sisters were lost. My parents learned that memories are within you and the people you love and always taught us to never place a high value on material things as a means of holding onto someone or a memory. Any bed is just a bed. Anything is just a thing. People in this thread are really hung up on where, or on what, this guy is cheating on his wife. It doesn't matter if he does this chick on a stack of cardboard boxes in the middle of a cornfield - he's still breaking his marriage vows and potentially hurting his wife. That is what is important. Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Our home burned to the ground when I was a baby. Everything was destroyed. Baby pictures or other mementos of my older sisters were lost. My parents learned that memories are within you and the people you love and always taught us to never place a high value on material things as a means of holding onto someone or a memory. Any bed is just a bed. Anything is just a thing.I suppose that you will have to agree to disagree with some of the posters here. So happywithme, I haven't read through the entire thread, but what exactly do you want to do next? Leave him? Creating a plan would be a good place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie999 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Would it be okay for him to have sex with his wife in YOUR bed? Sorry...I must be missing something. Is this the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum? And why would a married couple have sex in someone else's bed? Yes, having sex in the marital bed would be a line many people involved in affairs would be uncomfortable crossing for obvious reasons. But this response not only makes no sense, but also highlights why people in this forum who are actual participants in affairs are leaving for other message boards. The boundaries are so vague that now the infidelity forum is a place for betrayed spouses to seek support from others (definitely not a forum that is also intended for the betraying spouse...why they're lumped in together makes even less sense to me), and the OW/OM forum is a place for betrayed spouses to unload on anyone who is involved with a married person. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie999 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Well, a long time ago, a rather eccentric and unstable OW wrote a blog about doing it all over the marital home, including the marital bed. Described in detail being so proud of the bodily fluids she left in the mattress. I guess she didn't stop to consider all of the wife's bodily fluids that had been left before her. So you might want to keep that in mind before you make your final decision. Both points are just gross. Someone who brags about marking their territory in someone else's home has serious issues. But regardless of that, the marital bed (or any other place in the home) might not be a place where the wife has been leaving any bodily fluids...therein lies the problem in certain marriages, even before the affair began. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Sorry...I must be missing something. Is this the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum? And why would a married couple have sex in someone else's bed? Yes, having sex in the marital bed would be a line many people involved in affairs would be uncomfortable crossing for obvious reasons. But this response not only makes no sense, but also highlights why people in this forum who are actual participants in affairs are leaving for other message boards. The boundaries are so vague that now the infidelity forum is a place for betrayed spouses to seek support from others (definitely not a forum that is also intended for the betraying spouse...why they're lumped in together makes even less sense to me), and the OW/OM forum is a place for betrayed spouses to unload on anyone who is involved with a married person. Whatever makes one the most comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
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