Marital Bed

[SoleMate]

happywithme, you have taken two important steps, by 1) acknowledging that this affair is a dubious idea, and 2) coming here to seek help and support.

 

It's not just that's it's objectively gross to have sex in his marital bed or furtively in his vehicle - although that certainly is distasteful - it's that you don't feel good about it. In fact you feel sick and horrified. And for good reason.

 

Whenever a sex act, or a relationship, or a way of interacting makes you feel sick and disgusted, that is your mind acting protectively and telling you to stop. Now I hope your only remaining questions are 1) how to stop, and 2) how to protect your employment income while distancing yourself from him. (It will be virtually impossible to end the affair and have both of you just go happily back to the way it was, unfortunately. Either you won't be able to handle, or he'll turn nasty, or both. :-( )

Edited August 5, 2011 by SoleMate
typo

[fooled once]

Sorry...I must be missing something. Is this the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum?

 

And why would a married couple have sex in someone else's bed?

 

Yes, having sex in the marital bed would be a line many people involved in affairs would be uncomfortable crossing for obvious reasons. But this response not only makes no sense, but also highlights why people in this forum who are actual participants in affairs are leaving for other message boards. The boundaries are so vague that now the infidelity forum is a place for betrayed spouses to seek support from others (definitely not a forum that is also intended for the betraying spouse...why they're lumped in together makes even less sense to me), and the OW/OM forum is a place for betrayed spouses to unload on anyone who is involved with a married person.

 

Why would a mistress have sex with someone's husband in that person's bed?

 

Not sure why you think jthorne is a betrayed spouse? She was trying to show the OP that while she may think it is okay to have sex in the wife's bed, how would she like the MM to have sex in her bed with his wife...or his next OW?

 

I see lots of OW in the infidelity section on a daily basis. Why is that an issue for you? Why can't OW post in infidelity, BS post in OW/OM, etc. Can I only respond to posts in the health section if I am a nurse or doctor?

[bentnotbroken]

Both points are just gross. Someone who brags about marking their territory in someone else's home has serious issues. But regardless of that, the marital bed (or any other place in the home) might not be a place where the wife has been leaving any bodily fluids...therein lies the problem in certain marriages, even before the affair began.

 

 

If affairs aren't just about the sex, why would one so naively assume that marriages are just about the sex? Silly really.

[SoleMate]

And why would a married couple have sex in someone else's bed?

I agree it seems a bit odd, but is it really stranger than the OW and MM having sex in the marital bed?

[jthorne]

Sorry...I must be missing something. Is this the Infidelity forum or the OW/OM forum?

 

And why would a married couple have sex in someone else's bed?

 

Yes, having sex in the marital bed would be a line many people involved in affairs would be uncomfortable crossing for obvious reasons. But this response not only makes no sense, but also highlights why people in this forum who are actual participants in affairs are leaving for other message boards. The boundaries are so vague that now the infidelity forum is a place for betrayed spouses to seek support from others (definitely not a forum that is also intended for the betraying spouse...why they're lumped in together makes even less sense to me), and the OW/OM forum is a place for betrayed spouses to unload on anyone who is involved with a married person.

Oh please. Let's not be so oversensitive.

 

If a kid on the dating board asked if it was ok for him to shag his GF in his roommate's bed, asking if the roommate could shag in HIS bed wouldn't hurt your feelings, now would it?

[bentnotbroken]

Our home burned to the ground when I was a baby. Everything was destroyed. Baby pictures or other mementos of my older sisters were lost. My parents learned that memories are within you and the people you love and always taught us to never place a high value on material things as a means of holding onto someone or a memory.

 

Any bed is just a bed. Anything is just a thing.

 

People in this thread are really hung up on where, or on what, this guy is cheating on his wife. It doesn't matter if he does this chick on a stack of cardboard boxes in the middle of a cornfield - he's still breaking his marriage vows and potentially hurting his wife. That is what is important.

 

 

Good for your parents teaching their children their values. That is part of what makes parenting a great thing. My parents taught me to not only honor the people in our lives, but to treasure everything they pass on to us. The world is grand isn't it?

[fooled once]

Our home burned to the ground when I was a baby. Everything was destroyed. Baby pictures or other mementos of my older sisters were lost. My parents learned that memories are within you and the people you love and always taught us to never place a high value on material things as a means of holding onto someone or a memory.

 

Any bed is just a bed. Anything is just a thing.

 

People in this thread are really hung up on where, or on what, this guy is cheating on his wife. It doesn't matter if he does this chick on a stack of cardboard boxes in the middle of a cornfield - he's still breaking his marriage vows and potentially hurting his wife. That is what is important.

 

it is the WIFE's BED. The OW has no business being in SOMEONE's BED without her permission. Just because the cheating jerk offered up the bed doesn't mean it is okay with the wife. Why not just wait until the wife gets home and ask her if she has a problem with the OP having sex in her bed.

 

And it's okay with you if they have sex in the kids' bed too? :sick: I mean, in your view, its just a bed. Doesn't matter if a child sleeps there. Why not just have hot sex on it.

 

 

And I still don't understand why they don't go to the OP's place to have sex.

[jj33]

I understand the shock with it but from OW's as well?

 

I dont think its shock i think it depends on where the OW is coming from. If you love someone you dont like to think that you are in the marital bed IMHO because of the creepy connotations that have been mentioned by so many posters.

 

And you arent OK with it. Listen whatever your reasons for being with him, if you arent happy with the way the A is being carried on, then you can say no to any thing any step of the way. I know you know that intellecually but I think sometimes when people are in a situation and they want things to be a particular way they say to themselves is this really that weird? Maybe I am making a bigger deal about it than I need to.

 

Well here is your answer. No you arent making too big a deal about it. Its creepy and if you arent up for it dont do it.

 

Anyway I hope it works out for you. You dont say what you want out of hte relationship.

[Severely Unamused]

Oh please. Let's not be so oversensitive.

That's sorta what I think too. And I've only been here for around a week.

 

As long as a comment doesn't hit personal attack territory (or in some cases, passive-aggressive group attack territory) what's the problem exactly?

 

Take what you can, ignore the rest. Of course, the weakness of that attitude is that you can end up ignoring a lot of solid advice, simply because you let your personal biases get in the way of clear thinking. I see it on this board quite often.

 

Alas.

[happywithme]

I don't know what I want from this, but I know I don't want him to leave his wife and family for me.

 

He is older, about 20 years, and at the moment I still live at home. I also don't exactly make a lot of money, and the neaest hotel is 30+miles away.

 

I absolutely insist on a condom. For a while he just wanted to withdraw but I never let him.

[Holding-On]

Our home burned to the ground when I was a baby. Everything was destroyed. Baby pictures or other mementos of my older sisters were lost. My parents learned that memories are within you and the people you love and always taught us to never place a high value on material things as a means of holding onto someone or a memory.

 

Any bed is just a bed. Anything is just a thing.

 

People in this thread are really hung up on where, or on what, this guy is cheating on his wife. It doesn't matter if he does this chick on a stack of cardboard boxes in the middle of a cornfield - he's still breaking his marriage vows and potentially hurting his wife. That is what is important.

 

For you and me, probably, yes. But this is not true for everyone or even most people. My boyfriend and his wife, for example, do not have sex with anyone else in "their" bed despite the fact they, clearly, have an open marriage.

For many (possibly most?) people this private space - the bed they sleep in and f&*k in most of the time - would have significance.

[carrie999]

Yeah. It has only come up a couple of times there, like I said must of the time it is in his vehicle. He does have some issues with his wife, but over all he says repeatedly he takes care of her and cares for her, and that he has never cheated before and that it is just something that has happened because we have so much in common.

 

Hmmm. That would worry me. He has no interest in leaving her and just has sex with you because you have things in common?

 

I know he can be a bully, and has a tough guy side. But he usually backs off on things if I tell him too (like no condoms etc.). Its just this latest thing with the house that is starting to make me wonder.

 

You said it. The issue isn't about sleeping together in the marital bed. The issue is that he treats people (or at least women) pretty poorly.

 

I tried breaking up with him once and just keeping it profesional. It worked for a few weeks but didn't take.

 

Why didn't it "take?" You sound very sweet and very confused. Situations like yours make me think that this forum actually does serve a purpose; it's helpful for OW/OM who are completely lost and involved with married people who are just using them. I don't know you, OP, but from your own posts, this sounds like a bad situation.

[whichwayisup]

It's just a bed. How many people were in a hotel bed before you? What did they do there? "Things" have no significance.

 

It isn't just a bed like in a hotel room! Come on SoMovinOn. Apples and oranges!

 

Memories are made there, intimate moments, cuddling and talking as well as sex. It's bad enough that she's IN their marital house, it's another she's had sex with him IN the marital bed..AND ALSO in the KIDS ROOM!! WTF. They might as well pee and poo all over the house and spray like cats! It's just plain wrong and sinks things lower than just having the affair itself!

[whichwayisup]

he's still breaking his marriage vows and potentially hurting his wife. That is what is important.

 

I completely agree. Though as I just said in my previous reply, them having sex in the marital bed and MM's and his wife's CHILDREN's bed is just so so so wrong and it's a very low and selfish, calculated and intentional (MM) thing to do.

[bentnotbroken]

It isn't just a bed like in a hotel room! Come on SoMovinOn. Apples and oranges!

 

Memories are made there, intimate moments, cuddling and talking as well as sex. It's bad enough that she's IN their marital house, it's another she's had sex with him IN the marital bed..AND ALSO in the KIDS ROOM!! WTF. They might as well pee and poo all over the house and spray like cats! It's just plain wrong and sinks things lower than just having the affair itself!

 

 

I can't count the number of times my kids cuddled with us in our bed. I must say I really resent the implication that the marital(in my case family) shouldn't mean anything other than it is a bed. Maybe everyone should take do dumping in everyone else's bed and see how we all feel then.

[Lostinlife4now]

Dear happywithme>>>

 

I had been involved with a MM for 7 years and yes while at the beginning of the A i did go to his home and yes WE DID it in his bed, and let me tell you something, I felt like total **** after. Don't do it.....Just speaking form experience. I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN<,, and I don't want you too either. OK??:eek::eek::eek:

[carrie999]

Why would a mistress have sex with someone's husband in that person's bed?

 

I never said I would do it. But as others have pointed out, it's a matter of opinion. My BF attaches no meaning to objects, including the marital bed. He never asked me to have sex there because he knows I'm not comfortable with the idea, but to him, cheating is cheating regardless of where it takes place.

 

Not sure why you think jthorne is a betrayed spouse? She was trying to show the OP that while she may think it is okay to have sex in the wife's bed, how would she like the MM to have sex in her bed with his wife...or his next OW?

 

And here is where I start to agree (to a point) with my BF. While I wouldn't have sex in his marital bed, if I was the BS, I would feel equally betrayed and wronged if he had sex in a car, or a hotel room, or her bed. I'd be hurt and angry no matter what. If he had sex in OUR bed, it might make it easier from my point of view, because I could completely write him off for doing so in the bed we share. Still, that's just my opinion.

 

I see lots of OW in the infidelity section on a daily basis. Why is that an issue for you? Why can't OW post in infidelity, BS post in OW/OM, etc. Can I only respond to posts in the health section if I am a nurse or doctor?

 

Sure, post in some health message board with your opinion, as long as you are representing yourself accurately as someone who isn't a health professional and has no expertise. Your ideas may be worthwhile as part of the discussion, but will be taken with a grain of salt, since you don't have the training to devise a credible opinion.

 

That's a poor parallel, regardless. Here, it's not about knowledge or expertise in a subject matter. These forums are supposed to be a safe place for people in specific situations to discuss their feelings and look for insight from others who are supposed to be supportive. That doesn't mean agreeing with the OP, and sometimes means pointing out the painful truth of a bad situation, but it should never mean deriding the OP for asking for help.

 

If the BS or dejected former OW/OM are giving their opinions, they should be intended to help, not hurt. There is a huge difference between tough love (pointing out reality) and just plain hostility.

[carrie999]

If affairs aren't just about the sex, why would one so naively assume that marriages are just about the sex? Silly really.

 

I never said either one was about sex. I merely pointed out that in some cases, either or both are. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but just underlining that the assumption in that post is incorrect in many situations.

[carrie999]

Oh please. Let's not be so oversensitive.

 

Oh, I'm not. Not here. I joined this board a year ago and check in every few weeks, and it amazes me how many people are on here seemingly daily to flog everyone who comes here with valid questions and concerns. This board should be renamed the Scarlet A board. It's a place where newbies come and unburden themselves anonymously, only to receive dozens of derogatory responses peppered with actual advice and insight from people who are going through it or have been through it, and are legitimately offering support.

 

I was taken aback by this when I first posted, but blamed myself for being so selfish as to get involved with a married man. I kept posting, but constantly prefacing my posts with, "I know this is wrong, but..." and eventually I tired of giving confession to what was largely a group of sharks waiting for bait.

 

I'm only here now to read through posts and defend those who are being treated poorly from the sharks who are circling around them. Yes, I've found some amazingly strong and supportive people here, and I'm grateful for that. But if this board is a battlefield, everyone who tries to seek advice here will shy away (as they continually do), and eventually the only people who will be interested in posting are those that are looking for new prey.

 

How is that constructive? And what's the point of having a forum for those involved in affairs?

[carrie999]

it is the WIFE's BED. The OW has no business being in SOMEONE's BED without her permission. Just because the cheating jerk offered up the bed doesn't mean it is okay with the wife. Why not just wait until the wife gets home and ask her if she has a problem with the OP having sex in her bed.

 

Funny. I have permission to be in her bed. I've slept there. Doesn't mean I'd have sex with him there. But by your definition, I suppose she's given me the okay to do so by allowing me to be in their bed?

[carrie999]

That's sorta what I think too. And I've only been here for around a week.

 

As long as a comment doesn't hit personal attack territory (or in some cases, passive-aggressive group attack territory) what's the problem exactly?

 

Take what you can, ignore the rest. Of course, the weakness of that attitude is that you can end up ignoring a lot of solid advice, simply because you let your personal biases get in the way of clear thinking. I see it on this board quite often.

 

Alas.

 

Stick around. You'll see.

[SoMovinOn]

It isn't just a bed like in a hotel room! Come on SoMovinOn. Apples and oranges!

 

Memories are made there, intimate moments, cuddling and talking as well as sex. It's bad enough that she's IN their marital house, it's another she's had sex with him IN the marital bed..AND ALSO in the KIDS ROOM!! WTF. They might as well pee and poo all over the house and spray like cats! It's just plain wrong and sinks things lower than just having the affair itself!

 

Memories are also made on the kitchen floor, on the couch, in the shower, on the desk in the office, in the car, in the backyard - and, depending on how adventurous one might be, in the bathroom at Home Depot, in a dark corner of your favorite bar, etc.

 

It's not about where, it's with whom. No matter where one betrays their spouse, it is a betrayal. It doesn't get better or worse by choosing a different location.

 

.... and she did NOT say they had sex in any of the kids rooms. Read it again - she said it had been considered.

 

For all anyone who has responded here so far knows, the only thing that has happened in this marital bed is the guy and his wife slept there, maybe at the same time. For all anyone here knows, the kids are from her or his previous marriage, and he and she have never had sex, in that bed or anywhere else.

 

Lots of assumptions and focusing on the wrong thing.

[SoMovinOn]

I can't count the number of times my kids cuddled with us in our bed. I must say I really resent the implication that the marital(in my case family) shouldn't mean anything other than it is a bed. Maybe everyone should take do dumping in everyone else's bed and see how we all feel then.

 

That's the problem with your responses Bent - no one is discussing your bed. It doesn't matter how many times your kids have been in your bed. You are assuming that your bed = every bed.

 

The important take on OP's first post was that she is uncomfortable with this situation. Responses should offer advice, or ask questions related to that point. The BW isn't posting here. The bed isn't posting here. The kids aren't posting here complaining that a strange lady is banging pee pees with daddy in their cuddle spot. Addressing those people or those issues serves no purpose here.

[bentnotbroken]

That's the problem with your responses Bent - no one is discussing your bed. It doesn't matter how many times your kids have been in your bed. You are assuming that your bed = every bed.

 

The important take on OP's first post was that she is uncomfortable with this situation. Responses should offer advice, or ask questions related to that point. The BW isn't posting here. The bed isn't posting here. The kids aren't posting here complaining that a strange lady is banging pee pees with daddy in their cuddle spot. Addressing those people or those issues serves no purpose here.

 

 

I don't assume ever bed as my bed anymore than you assume every bed is just a thing and should be viewed as such, so I guess we have the same problem. But I do find all who have sex in someone else's bed without their permission reprehensible and a bit on the doggy side. By the way all our houses didn't burn down and all our parents didn't raise us the way yours did....just sayin.

Edited August 5, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[carrie999]

Memories are also made on the kitchen floor, on the couch, in the shower, on the desk in the office, in the car, in the backyard - and, depending on how adventurous one might be, in the bathroom at Home Depot, in a dark corner of your favorite bar, etc.

 

It's not about where, it's with whom. No matter where one betrays their spouse, it is a betrayal. It doesn't get better or worse by choosing a different location.

 

.... and she did NOT say they had sex in any of the kids rooms. Read it again - she said it had been considered.

 

For all anyone who has responded here so far knows, the only thing that has happened in this marital bed is the guy and his wife slept there, maybe at the same time. For all anyone here knows, the kids are from her or his previous marriage, and he and she have never had sex, in that bed or anywhere else.

 

Lots of assumptions and focusing on the wrong thing.

 

EXACTLY! Thank you.