My boyfriend is the good guy, I'm attracted to a bad guy....oh dear

[who knows?]

Okay a little history......

 

My first time really in love was with a guy I met when I was 16. I'll call him Mr. J. I was totally bowled over by him. He was suave, gorgeous, talented and he made me feel like the most special girl in the world. He had a tremendous amount of charisma and I was in love with him for over two years, although we didn't have a relationship as such. We kept in touch long distance and I visited him a couple of times.

 

I lost my virginity to him and then a few months later he announced he was coming half way around the world to see me for two weeks! I was ecstatic. He arrived and immediately we were all over each other - for about 3 days. Then he dropped me like a hot cake and ignored me for a couple of days. I was gutted. Not so much as when I found him kissing my best friend. They told me they were "in love" and were going to be together. Long story short, he broke my heart, got my friend pregnant and then neither of us ever saw him again.

 

So back to the present. Two years ago I met the most wonderful, handsome, honest, true and perfect guy, Mr N. We have a wonderful relationship and have been living together for the past 9 months. I know he's the one and I want to grow old with him. Recently he's been down a lot about our noisy neighbours and his University assignments. I can't seem to help him when he gets in these moods, so I usually leave him to it, apart from trying to joke around to cheer him up, or suggesting ways to overcome the problems. He doesn't think I understand how he feels though, and this gets him more down.

 

A couple of weeks ago at work I met this guy, we'll just call him, Mr P. He is gorgeous, happy-go-lucky, jokey, friendly and....... reminded me exactly of Mr J. He flirts with me (though hasn't made a pass at me) even though he has a serious girlfriend and makes me feel like a million dollars. I have been having really lustful feelings about him and love being around him. It's such a contrast being with him rather than being around my boyfriend trying to cheer him up all the time - and failing.

 

The thing is I know I wouldn't want to be with him long term - he'd probably treat me just as badly as Mr J! , I just don't know what to do about feeling incredibly lustful for him. How can I make these feelings go away and get the same thing back with my relationship with Mr N? (I can't avoid Mr P, he works with me). Is it just the excitement of somebody new or somebody being really interested in me (whether friendly or otherwise)? I know I want the good guy, but I can't help being attracted to the bad boy. And I so don't want to be bored by the good guy..... Help..... Am I going to sabotage my own happiness?

[lohrewok]

This is my quick impression of your post. You describe these men as being wonderful, talented, perfect etc.etc.

 

Then they turn out not to be this dream man. First of all, there are no dream men. There is no knight in shining armour who is going to come into your life and change it. Accept yourself for what you are. If these men make you feel so wonderful and desired, why can't you do that for yourself? That is the road to true happiness. Every single man you meet is going to disappoint you in some way. No man can live up to such perfection.

 

 

 

There is no advice I could give you that you would follow. I can tell you what you will do....

 

get rid of the current live-in guy, and screw the new one. That one will end up cheating on you or letting you down in some major way. Then you'll get involved with someone else, have a few kids along the way, and end up in a trailer on welfare.

 

Does this make you angry? Are you saying to yourself-not me!! It will all come down to your choice. Your choices in life dictate who and what you are.

[faux]

Annoying neighbors and a stressful work load are more than acceptible reasons for your boyfriend to be down at times. Perhaps you should try talking to him more, as opposed to trying to 'cheer him up' or just let him be alone. Talk to him and find out what might help him. Have you even asked?

 

It sounds to me that you have problems committing yourself. Things get a little real, as in real life, with your boyfriend and you want to run away to find that fun, dangerous side to something new. Life brings problems and trials. If you care about your boyfriend, it might do you well to actually work out these issues with him as opposed to contemplating cheating on him, or leaving him for this other man. Things could be a lot worse. I don't understand why you would leave something you found to be so great just because things got a bit stressful for your guy.

 

The men in your past were not what you thought them to be. It interests me that you can still describe that one horrible guy as great and wonderful. If you want to be mistreated, then go for this new guy and for what you were attracted to in the past. You will no doubt be burned and run the chance of repeating problem relationships throughout the rest of your life, never being all too happy. If you want someone who is going to really care for you, be willing to accept that life brings problems and that most problems can be worked out with good communication.