Second Marriages: Debt, Kids?

[NoReallyThatHappened]

I've gotten to the point in my relationship where we are talking about the future. We have had lots of discussions about family, money, health, school, etc. We got a book, 100 hard questions to ask before marriage (or engagement--something like that). Basically, we are leaving no stone unturned before we decide if this is what we really want to do. I have no doubt that second marriages can be harder than first ones.

 

Both of us have been married before and we are in our early and late 30's. He has one child from his previous marriage. I have none. We do plan to have at least one child if it all works out, hopefully two.

 

Anyway, like many men the divorce and subsequent child support, plus driving back and forth to the next state to see his kid have taken a toll on his finances. His exW gave him like a week's notice that she was moving four states away which meant he had to buy plane tickets every month to see his son for about a year. He has since landed a great job that is only 5 hours away (the closest one he could find--tough field) but he does ALL the driving. She has only met him halfway once in the past two years so that is a considerable cost on top of the child support he already pays. He typically makes the trip twice per month. I have asked if he is interested in moving to the city where she lives, but there are no jobs in his field there. He would probably have to take a substantial pay cut and lose some great benefits for his son in the process.

 

For the rest of you in second marriages, how did you tackle the debt? Together or separately? How do you handle the crazy visitation schedules for those with out of state children? Especially as the children got older. Right now the child still isn't in school yet. How have you blended new children with an existing child and still handle the visitation schedule? I'm especially interested in hearing from people who had more children with a step son or daughter living out of state.

 

Any words of wisdom or advice?

Edited August 4, 2011 by NoReallyThatHappened
wording

[Woman In Blue]

Most divorce decrees stipulate that the custodial parent can't move more than so many miles away with the child without the other parent's consent. Did he give his consent to this??? Or did he not have legal representation for the divorce and he's now paying dearly for that decision?

 

I, personally, have very little patience for this type of thing and I'd never consider marrying someone in this type of situation. You think he's broke now? Just WAIT until the kid wants karate lessons and ski lessons and computers and cell phones and designer jeans and on and on and on over and above child support. You really need to ask yourself if you're willing to deal with a substantially decreased financial contribution from him because the lion's share of his paycheck is going to child support and traveling expenses.

 

Hopefully you've got a good job because you'll grow to resent this situation if you can't stay home with your own kids when they're born because your family won't be able to make it on his salary alone.

[NoReallyThatHappened]

Yes it IS normally in the decree and that's the first thing I said when he told me what happened. The decree has some clause about a move being "beneficial" for the child or something like that. The Mom moved back to where her entire family lives. I'm not sure why because she gets absolutely no help form her family, but that was the reason she cited for moving. She did, however, get a much better job which had a much higher salary and better benefits. I asked why he didn't try to fight that and he said his lawyer told him he could, but he'd never win. I'm pretty sure his lawyer was TERRIBLE.

 

The mother is actually pretty frugal. She doesn't let him play video games, no computer, TV, etc. She herself isn't into designer stuff, etc. I don't see the kid growing up to want those kinds of things and if he does, there's this word called "no." I was told it many times in my teens.

 

My job right now is great and his job is also great, but he is putting everything he has after CS towards his debt to get rid of it. Right now our combined incomes are over 100K and in another two years or so I'll bump up another 40K or so and he will get another promotion and raise as well (not sure how much though).

 

I actually have no desire to stay at home with children and he is ok with that. I'll make more than him anyway so that would never really make sense.