Shoulda,Coulda,Woulda's Resurfacing....Am I Really OVer It? (Another VERY Long Post)

[Almond_Joy]

I don't know what brought this on, but I've been thinking about my ex all week. Doing the whole review of the relationship thing, the shoulda coulda woulda's. I'm not having any emotional reaction to any of the thoughts or memories, I just keep reviewing them...and it really shames me to admit this, because last week I was fine. I was really feeling great, and was sure I had put all this behind me. I'm dissapointed in myself and don't know why I'm coming back to this mentally.

 

Sorry if this becomes incoherent....I'm writing this sort of as a journal entry, and sharing it in case anyone else is feeling this way or has gone through this and wants to share anything on it.

 

I think this is really what's prompting me to hold out hope for a future with this guy: we've broken up and gotten back together before. Me and my ex (I'll call him Ex2) initially met at 16 (2002). We were at this summer academy thing and out of the 3 months the program lasted, we were an item for 2. So at the end of the academy we broke it off because neither of us had a car and it really wasn't feasible for us to continue seeing each other at the time without our own transportation. Tears were shed on both sides, but by the closing ceremony at the end of the week after we broke up, he seemed fine.

 

So fast forward to 2009. Ex2 found me on Facebook. He said he wanted to catch up and at the time I was with someone (Ex1). I honestly believed Ex2 wanted to just catch up (he'd gone to the military right out of high school and had only been back a couple of months at the time he contacted me). So we talked on the phone, just catching up on each other's lives for the past 7 years. While we're talking he's peppering me with all sorts of comments that lead me to believe that he is really astonished and pleased by my personality, that I haven't changed too much.

 

A few hours into the conversation, we get around to talking about our love lives. I tell him about the relationship I'm in. As I said, communication between us has always been straightforward and earnest, so I didn't lie, and I didn't omit anything. I told him I'm unhappy. I didn't see my relationship with Ex1 going anywhere, that Ex1 and I had been arguing, not talking, not spending time together....basically confiding all my troubles with Ex1 in Ex2 who, although I'm very comfortable talking to, I don't really know that well at this point (this is a hindsight statement - at the time I figured we are totally in tune with each other).

 

Ex2 promptly responds to my outpouring of troubles by stating what I'd kind of concluded from the previous comments - that he likes me. He wants a relationship. I'm ridiculously excited to hear this, as I've just had a four hour conversation with this guy and feel like he's perfect for me and the attraction is there.

 

I tried to stay with Ex1 for another month, but that spark I felt with Ex2 just wasn't going away, and I'd NEVER felt anything that intense with Ex1. At the end of that month, I ended my 7 YEAR relationship with Ex1 for good. Yes, that's how attracted I was to Ex2, that I walked away from 7 years (3 of which were very unhappy, but still....) of time and effort. My relationship with Ex 2 ensued a couple weeks after that break up, and by now you all know what the end of that was.....breakup with Ex2.

 

Part of me (Part 1) keeps reminding me that something brought him back to me seven years later. I mean after 7 years apart Ex2 looked me up. Something about our first encounter at 16 was good enough that he was willing to dip into his past and re-explore it. And he's not a "rehash the past" kind of guy. Both times that we got together we've had very passionate, happily compatible relationships. A lot of our views on life are/were similar, and the ideas for the kind of lifestyle we want were very similar too. The attraction is there, the understanding is there, the common goals are there.....

 

The other part of me (Part 2) figures that this second time around, the spark died out for him - whatever he felt for me or that drew him to me after all these years just disappeared in the thick of the relationship and he sees no reason this time to look back on his time with me again. This is the part that motivates me not to think about him anymore most of the time, and try to focus on finding that spark with someone else.

 

This week, though - Part 1's been winning the battle. Mostly because I want to feel that fiery attraction for someone again. I have been romantically involved with someone since the breakup with Ex2, but the spark wasn't there so I broke it off. I'm doing online dating now, trying to find someone else that I can feel this way about. I really want to find someone else so that I can put Ex2 out of my mind. The longer I go without feeling that spark, the more my conviction gets reinforced that Ex2 really is the perfect match for me, and that we just had to part to grow a little bit, separately, as individuals, and that a few years down the line when we're both a little more mature, we will try again and have that same spark we've felt with each other the past two times we were together.

 

I don't like this twisted logic - me thinking "Well if it happened once, stands to reason it'll happen again".....I'm pretty sure it's not healthy...right ?

 

Thanks for reading if you made it all the way down here .

[D-Lish]

Just a quick question- what's the longest period of time you've been single?

[Almond_Joy]

Since I've started having relationships......a couple months, max.

[D-Lish]

Interesting. Have you ever thought of taking a break from dating to spend some time getting to know yourself?

 

I get the impression from your post that you are on a mission to get involved in a relationship again as quickly as possible.

 

It's healthy to take some time after a break up to do some self reflection and just simply get to know yourself as a person not attached to a relationship.

[Almond_Joy]

Thank you for your feedback - that's very true and I agree.

 

I did realize that my first instinct was to be with someone again right after the breakup. I made a point to take 2 or 3 weeks to just get through the depression of the break up.

 

I feel like I've learned all I can from being by myself. I'm analyzing myself and deciding what I want to accept and what I want to work on all the time. I have accepted that I am just happier with a companion. I spend a lot of time by myself and I really enjoy that time, but there are moments where I want badly to have someone to share experiences with, to talk to, to exchange affection with. I don't want to be around that person/those people all the time, but I'm really quite miserable when I want that kind of interaction and can't get it :-/.

 

I waver between wanting good friends, (which I think would take a lot of this urge away that I sometimes feel to be involved with someone) and wanting to have a romantic/intimate relationship. Both roads offer companionship, which is ultimately what I'm after.....right now I'm in the relationship camp. **shrugs** that's the best I can make of where I'm at lol.

[D-Lish]

Thank you for your feedback - that's very true and I agree.

 

I did realize that my first instinct was to be with someone again right after the breakup. I made a point to take 2 or 3 weeks to just get through the depression of the break up.

 

I feel like I've learned all I can from being by myself. I'm analyzing myself and deciding what I want to accept and what I want to work on all the time. I have accepted that I am just happier with a companion. I spend a lot of time by myself and I really enjoy that time, but there are moments where I want badly to have someone to share experiences with, to talk to, to exchange affection with. I don't want to be around that person/those people all the time, but I'm really quite miserable when I want that kind of interaction and can't get it :-/.

 

I waver between wanting good friends, (which I think would take a lot of this urge away that I sometimes feel to be involved with someone) and wanting to have a romantic/intimate relationship. Both roads offer companionship, which is ultimately what I'm after.....right now I'm in the relationship camp. **shrugs** that's the best I can make of where I'm at lol.

 

I guess I just brought it up because when you jump from one relationship to the next, you don't get a chance to heal, so it's like you're never dealing with anything (if that makes sense).

 

There is something powerful and liberating in learning how to be alone and being okay with it.

 

I have a friend going through such a similar situation- and she's the same way, she had a 5 year relationship (engagement), got dumped and started seeing someone a week later- was with him for a year and a half, got dumped, and started dating someone new within 3 weeks.... She's with him now.

 

I tried really hard to get her to take a break from dating- but she's like you, she doesn't like the idea of being without a companion.

 

The only problem with her and her situation is that she doesn't wait for the right guy to come along, she jumps in head first with the first person that she deems decent enough and jumps in. She always ends up in relationships that are wrong for her as a result (she'd rather settle than be without a bf).

[radiodarcy]

before i started hanging out with the guy who brought me to loveshack, i was one of those people who was dead set against the idea of "needing" to have a companion. but after spending time with this guy, i fell for him hard. i felt pretty much the same way you felt about ex2 -- he and i both seemed to have the same values and outlook on life. and i felt like i was learning so much about myself through talking and hanging out with him.

 

i really thought things were going somewhere. but then, he seemed to do a 180 and changed completely -- got distant, treated me like an afterthought or ignored me outright. things deteriorated into a FWB situation for longer than they should have - - 2.5 years. but i loved him and though if i hung in there things would go back to the way they were before. but they never did and he eventually ditched me to find "the one".

 

it hurt. a lot. and it made me realize that i really do need to take time out for me and heal and get to know myself better before i try again - - which at this point in time, i have no desire to.

 

because i realized even if i do find a companion to spend time with and relate to, that person is going to have their issues, that may cause them to bolt at a moment's notice. no matter how good things seem to be going at the time. that's why, as D-Lish said, it's really better for me to have that base that gives me a strong sense of self - - so at the very least, if things don't work out in the next relationship, at least i know i have myself and i'll be ok - - with or without that person.

[Almond_Joy]

Yeah, I thought about this a lot last night. I really don't want to be a serial dater or be some sort of a revolving door when it comes to relationships.

 

The urge for intimate companionship is gone. I think I just need some good platonic friends, and that's what I'm focusing on building/getting. I really don't want to be in a relationship at all right now - emotionally I just don't want that kind of commitment to anybody.

 

Thanks to you also, Radio, for sharing your experience. I was hoping when I posted this that there would be someone who had the same experience. It makes it less.....special to me, in a way, and easier to put it behind me when I realize that others have been through the same.

[radiodarcy]

i'm happy to share - - as it helps me too

 

i know what you mean abt having those feelings seem less special. for the longest time i wore my feelings as badge of my love for him (as cheesy as that sounds). i didnt want to see past my feelings because i felt that they were mine and no one else would really understand.

 

but those feelings were more along the scarlet letter variety. because all they did was serve to isolate me from the truth of a situation that was destined to go nowhere. once i got ditched i was forced to confront those feelings as the facade that they were.

 

coming on here and seeing other people who were going through the same thing actually helped me a lot more than i thought it would. not to mention it helps to have a place to vent. my friends are great but i think i've used up just abt all of their good willing in talking about this guy.

 

good luck to you, Almond. you seem to be very self-aware and the fact that you're on here getting different perspectives means that you've got a healthy outlook on the healing process.