Thoughts of Her

[LilyBart]

That's why you're here posting in this thread right? Because you're not thinking about her, right? Uh, ya kinda have to give thought to the BS to make up a post about her...

 

Uh, not really. It actually made me realize HOW LITTLE I actually "think" about her.

 

I responded because I thought the point of giving the BW so much weight was ummmm.....not true. At least in my situation.

 

Who cares about "her"? Certainly not me.

 

OF COURSE OP's are concerned about the BS. If they weren't concerned, they wouldn't live in secret, or allow themselves to be hidden.

 

Your opinion.

[donnamaybe]

I don't think anyone is trying to brainwash NID at all, not sure where you got that.

 

My post was to the OW on the forum, not to NID.

 

There is a whole lot of attempted brainwashing going on. The response after response about the MM never leaving, never really loving the OW, that the W is the beautiful, wonderful, loyal woman and the OW will never compare.

 

The recurring theme NID was addressing is that the W is all the OW thinks about.

 

Nice thought I guess if you're reconciling a M.

 

But to the Other Persons, it isn't about the W or the H. Make your relationship about you, and the two of you together.

 

It isn't a competition. Remember that.

Wow. For someone with so few posts, you seem to know an awful lot about LS.

 

I would have to say that the percentage when a long term MM leaves his W for the OW is EXTREMELY low. Based on everything I've seen and read, that is. And, yes. The BS takes up a LOT of headspace for the OW/OM who wants more from their A than just occasional sex.

[Kitsune77]

I'm still not sure of the protocols here. Ellie, I'm glad my comment made you feel good, your the caregiver to the caregiver, so it must be difficult for you sometimes.

 

In regards to me.. I'm not sure what I want. There are circumstances in my life( which I won't go into here) that are fairly difficult, and my MM is mainly a friend and suport. We physically only see each other every few months.

I have had a few reality checks in regards to his wife,and I must say, I am sometimes very curios about her.

I think the thing with him and I will end, when I adress my own personal issues.

I have asked MM why he is involved with me, he only says he doesn't know.

[LilyBart]

I don't think anyone is trying to brainwash NID at all, not sure where you got that.

 

My post was to the OW on the forum, not to NID.

 

There is a whole lot of attempted brainwashing going on. The response after response about the MM never leaving, never really loving the OW, that the W is the beautiful, wonderful, loyal woman and the OW will never compare.

 

Exactly. If the same old mantra keeps getting repeated in an attempt to make the OW/OM feel bad under the guise of "support"....how is that NOT brainwashing?

 

How is it NOT brainwashing when, in conjunction with the above, you applaud the ones who have "turned around" or commend those who have "seen the light" and have renounced their former Other status? Or heap approval upon those who continue to flog themselves over the fact that they participated in an A?

 

But Polly - you must remember that this is a PUBLIC forum and anybody, oh-so-many random "anybodys" can respond.

 

So much for support.

 

The recurring theme NID was addressing is that the W is all the OW thinks about.

 

Nice thought I guess if you're reconciling a M.

 

But to the Other Persons, it isn't about the W or the H. Make your relationship about you, and the two of you together.

 

It isn't a competition. Remember that.

 

Like I said, "we" are what's important. Not "her".

[LilyBart]

Wow. For someone with so few posts, you seem to know an awful lot about LS.

 

I would have to say that the percentage when a long term MM leaves his W for the OW is EXTREMELY low. Based on everything I've seen and read, that is. And, yes. The BS takes up a LOT of headspace for the OW/OM who wants more from their A than just occasional sex.

 

Wow. For someone with absolutely no experience being in an A, you seem to know an awful lot about what happens in one.

 

And while the percentage of a MM leaving is low - IT HAPPENS. And who's to say it won't happen at all? ALL relationships either progress or ends. Same with an A.

[thomasb]

Exactly. If the same old mantra keeps getting repeated in an attempt to make the OW/OM feel bad under the guise of "support"....how is that NOT brainwashing?

 

How is it NOT brainwashing when, in conjunction with the above, you applaud the ones who have "turned around" or commend those who have "seen the light" and have renounced their former Other status? Or heap approval upon those who continue to flog themselves over the fact that they participated in an A?

 

But Polly - you must remember that this is a PUBLIC forum and anybody, oh-so-many random "anybodys" can respond.

 

So much for support.

 

 

 

Like I said, "we" are what's important. Not "her".

 

 

Actually, what 'she' felt was not important. What my wife felt was.

[anne1707]

Well that's wonderful that you took that into consideration when you cheated on her...

 

I guess there is always the other side: the marital rewrite and the affair rewrite.

 

I'm impressed. Within 15 minutes of Thomas's post you knew his history. Amazing. One could almost think you were a long time member.

[bentnotbroken]

Yipppiieee KiYiYa.....the old gang rides again. :lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Kitsune77]

This is where you should start.

 

What do YOU want? And how can you get there?

PT, that's a good question.

 

At the moment I get a lot from my relationship with him, and it suits my life not to have him in it full time. I was actually worried that he would leave his wife for me at one stage:)

As I said before, I have no expectations of happily ever after with him, and I am not obsessed about his wife.

He is someone I love deeply, and value having in my life. Actually I feel he is more attached than I am .

 

Sorting out my life has pretty much nothing to do with him, and is dependent on other factors, which I am in the prowess of doing.

[LilyBart]

Actually, what 'she' felt was not important. What my wife felt was.

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

So says the man who still can't forget his OW. Obviously. Since you're still flogging yourself over it 20 years after the fact.

 

You know what they say about love and hate being two sides of the same coin....

[Spark1111]

This is where you should start.

 

What do YOU want? And how can you get there?

 

PT, on this we do agree!

 

If you are happy, then I am happy for you!

 

Just, please, whether you are OW/OM, BS, WS or formerly any of the beforehand mentioned, accept less than acceptable behavior from your SO.

 

Period.

[Severely Unamused]

Yep...those mean 'ole brainwashing BS's. :rolleyes:

That made me smile.

 

It's quite easy to demonise the group standing on the other end of the spectrum, in order to forward your own views.

[Spark1111]

:lmao::lmao:

 

So says the man who still can't forget his OW. Obviously. Since you're still flogging yourself over it 20 years after the fact.

 

You know what they say about love and hate being two sides of the same coin....

 

thomasb, is pretty common. He self-loathes his behavior of cheating on his wife years ago. Ergo, he loathes the woman who participated in the deed with him.

 

Not unusual at all.

[thomasb]

:lmao::lmao:

 

So says the man who still can't forget his OW. Obviously. Since you're still flogging yourself over it 20 years after the fact.

 

You know what they say about love and hate being two sides of the same coin....

 

 

Pity is far from love my dear. You will find very few men who love a promiscuous woman. They will sleep with them... but they are not meeting momma!

[Spark1111]

That made me smile.

 

It's quite easy to demonise the group standing on the other end of the spectrum, in order to forward your own views.

 

Happens all the time around here. Not trying to brainwash you or anything.

[MissBee]

For the OP's:

 

It is not about HER, as much as the former BS's would like to brainwash you into believing.

 

Your R is about You and the Affair is all him. (Or gender reversal.)

If you truly want your relationship to be a relationship, don't settle and get what you need out of it.

The OW sets the tone, really. Don't give that away.

 

People who have an "Us Against The World" type mentality with regards to their relationships, affairs or regular, from my observance, usually have issues or the relationship is so precarious that that is the only thing they can do....

 

Anyway, my belief is that any good relationship is based on co-piloting, and mutual terms, not where one party is setting the tone, where one has an upper hand or more to lose, where you're in it to "get what you need" or any kind of imbalance or undertone of selfishness and scarcity. That doesn't sound like a relationship, but some type of opportunistic business deal. For my purposes, any interpersonal relationship---marriage, affair, bf/gf etc--- that is constructed in that way is faulty.

 

You are allowed to differ of course and choose what you like or can live with but if I have to approach a relationship with my armor ready to fend off the "naysayers", or where I have to try to set the tone and get what I can get and so on...then I just can't be bothered. Even in friendships, people do not do that; the friendships that involve that type of getting what you need, where one person sets the tone, the other has more to lose etc...most of us would call that a dysfunctional friendship.

[MissBee]

I'm responding without reading anything past your original post.

 

You are giving "her" too much credit and how much real estate you think "she" takes up in my thoughts.

 

"WE" are what is important. "She" is not. It's quite simple.

 

I'm sure BW's would like to flatter themselves with the thought that they are thought of so often.....

Or perhaps it's because this is what BW's think about - "she" (the OW) takes up A LOT of head space for them?

 

More often than not an OW is nonexistent to the BS until DDay..therefore even if a BS wanted to think about her, she is not on her radar because you cannot think of someone you do not know. If the BS doesn't know about the OW, then the MM had to spend a lot of time making sure this "unimportant" person has been shielded from the truth....thus, at least in HIS mind, he HAS to think about the BS and what he is going to say, not say, do, not do, and the like to keep the OW a secret from her.

 

Post dday (if there is one) then the BS can think about the OW. If there is never one, then the OW remains a nonentity, as far as the BS thinking of her. The BS can never be a nonentity to the OW though.

 

That was my contention in the A---that this woman was allowed to live her life unaware of me, but I knew about her and of her and would think of her, while I am sure she has NEVER thought about me. (Well let me not say that, I have no idea if a DDay occurred that I wasn't aware of, in which she found out about me so thought about me, but to my knowledge she doesn't and no dday occurred of which I was involved.)

 

If I were a BS....I would not be flattered by what an OW thinks or doesn't think about me. I am not sure how that would be flattering.....Yes I would think of what my husband thinks about me in relation to her, but not what she thinks about me, it's not important.

Edited August 6, 2011 by MissBee

[SoMovinOn]

For me, it's a him... and I can tell you I don't think about him, what she is doing with him, or anything else other than if/when she will leave him.

 

I know they are married. I expect them to do the things married people do.

[NoIDidn't]

This brainwashing stuff is making me , seriously.....people on a forum are capable of brainwashing someone???

 

I know, right?! LOL. The insecurity displayed in that accusation was telling. But, again, I digress.

 

I strongly disagree with the poster that thinks the OW is on the mind of the W, when the W is typically in the dark about the affair. I also note the dig the "new poster" was trying to level at me about having been betrayed SEVERAL years ago. My marriage is long since recovered from that affair, its well on to other marital and life crises right now, but thanks for the concern.

 

The OW that knows about the W does think about her and consider the boundaries put on the relationship because of her. The W that is in the dark doesn't think of the OW at all. The W that has had a d-day is admittedly thinking quite a bit about the person that helped violate their marriage. I find no shame in admitting or accepting that, so I wish those that wish to turn this thread into a mud-slinging match would drop it.

 

I have been reading this forum for quite a while. There has NEVER been an OW that didn't come here posting about the W in one way or another. If it weren't for the few posters that seek a reason to run to moderation, I would name names or at least quote portions of posts to illustrate the general trend. And not to make anyone look bad, just to show the subtle ways in which she is very much in the thoughts of the OW.

 

In starting this thread, I'm not seeking to attack or shame anyone. I just want to talk about the thoughts of her that come in their many variations and how it feels to know you have that as a concern - or if you don't have it as a concern.

 

I really appreciate all that have posted and stayed on topic contributed without attacking the perspectives of others, or outright making false statements about the intent of such a discussion.

[NoIDidn't]

That was my contention in the A---that this woman was allowed to live her life unaware of me, but I knew about her and of her and would think of her, while I am sure she has NEVER thought about me. (Well let me not say that, I have no idea if a DDay occurred that I wasn't aware of, in which she found out about me so thought about me, but to my knowledge she doesn't and no dday occurred of which I was involved.)

 

If I were a BS....I would not be flattered by what an OW thinks or doesn't think about me. I am not sure how that would be flattering.....

 

One particular ex seemed to want to force me to think about her and him together. Apparently he did the same to her by mentioning me frequently but denying that there was ever anything going on. She and I knew of each other having arrived at the school during the same year and having some of the same clubs and other organizations that we belonged to for about two years (before I started seeing him again).

 

I write poetry and gave him a small booklet of the poems he inspired once. He left it on his night stand and she saw it, read it, and had a reaction. I say reaction because there is no telling if his version of her response was accurate or not. From that moment on, I was on her mind in a way that made me rethink our relationship and so I ended it.

 

I was not at all flattered by the fact that I was now on her mind frequently and usually in a negative way. It didn't give me that any-day-now-he'll-be-free feeling at all, since he seemed to enjoy the illusion that he had two women knowingly vying for his attention.

 

My point is, rather long-winded and rambling lol, that poster was somewhat right that the two romantic rivals think about each other but its not a given for one as it is for the other AND one might not be comfortable in such a light. Its not something to boast about.

[MissBee]

One particular ex seemed to want to force me to think about her and him together. Apparently he did the same to her by mentioning me frequently but denying that there was ever anything going on. She and I knew of each other having arrived at the school during the same year and having some of the same clubs and other organizations that we belonged to for about two years (before I started seeing him again).

 

I write poetry and gave him a small booklet of the poems he inspired once. He left it on his night stand and she saw it, read it, and had a reaction. I say reaction because there is no telling if his version of her response was accurate or not. From that moment on, I was on her mind in a way that made me rethink our relationship and so I ended it.

 

I was not at all flattered by the fact that I was now on her mind frequently and usually in a negative way. It didn't give me that any-day-now-he'll-be-free feeling at all, since he seemed to enjoy the illusion that he had two women knowingly vying for his attention.

 

My point is, rather long-winded and rambling lol, that poster was somewhat right that the two romantic rivals think about each other but its not a given for one as it is for the other AND one might not be comfortable in such a light. Its not something to boast about.

 

Ditto.

 

It reminds me of that thread about who is in abetter position, OW or BS or this one poster who discussed her MM allowing his wife to take his phone and text her rude things and then he'd eventually take it back and text "Sorry, the wife had my phone"....I mean really???!!!

 

Either way, being a BS or OW is not something to boast about and flattery is the last thing that comes to mind when I envision a BS or OW thinking of me, if I were in the opposite role.

Edited August 6, 2011 by MissBee

[fooled once]

When I was the OW of course I wondered about her. When he wasn't with me, I used to wonder about where he was with her, if he was telling her the same things about his day that he told me.

 

It led to a lot of anguish and jealousy for me. If she had known about me, it probably would have been the same for her.

 

It's all about trying to share a person who loves and lives with somebody else. It became impossible and painful, the more attached I became to him.

 

I was born into a monogamous society and can't get my head around anything different. I know in other cultures it is different but I couldn't do it.

 

Gentlegirl

 

Great post Gentlegirl. Thank you for sharing this.

 

I think as long as there is "her" there can be no eclusivity as a "them."

 

Which must be so painful, as it is not easy to express apparently in many affair relationships.

 

And I can understand how this unspoken thought can become the pink elephant in the room, and everyone knows pink elephants can become obssessive thoughts.

 

So whether it is easily admitted or not, how can there NOT be a competitive element in an affair?

 

If I can outlove her, maybe I can outlast her?

 

I agree with Spark!

 

I know, right?! LOL. The insecurity displayed in that accusation was telling. But, again, I digress.

 

I strongly disagree with the poster that thinks the OW is on the mind of the W, when the W is typically in the dark about the affair. I also note the dig the "new poster" was trying to level at me about having been betrayed SEVERAL years ago. My marriage is long since recovered from that affair, its well on to other marital and life crises right now, but thanks for the concern.

 

I have been reading this forum for quite a while. There has NEVER been an OW that didn't come here posting about the W in one way or another. If it weren't for the few posters that seek a reason to run to moderation, I would name names or at least quote portions of posts to illustrate the general trend. And not to make anyone look bad, just to show the subtle ways in which she is very much in the thoughts of the OW.

 

In starting this thread, I'm not seeking to attack or shame anyone. I just want to talk about the thoughts of her that come in their many variations and how it feels to know you have that as a concern - or if you don't have it as a concern.

 

I really appreciate all that have posted and stayed on topic contributed without attacking the perspectives of others, or outright making false statements about the intent of such a discussion.

 

agree NID. I :laugh: at the accusation that the wife thinks about the mistress -- in most cases the wife has NO IDEA of the mistress :laugh: . The mistress is the one who thinks of the wife in most cases ... if she is loved, if she is having sex with the cheater, what "they" do on vacation, she is the mother of their kids, she is planning a future, etc...... Like another poster said, how can the mistress NOT think of the wife ... for not the wife's existence, the MM wouldn't be having an affair, they would not be sneaking around, the OW wouldn't be waiting on a text during "family hours", etc. The MM wouldn't come by for a quickie before heading home.

 

Some OW are so torn up by the thought of a wife that they write blogs bashing the wife How many times have we read on here how the OW wants to send an anonymous note to the wife telling her of the affair? Or how some claim they won't be the "reason" for the end of the marriage, yet they sit and wait and wait (for years and years) for the MM to leave the marriage. I mean, how can an OW NOT think of the wife??

 

It is like old home week with all the reincarnated posters ....

[LilyBart]

thomasb, is pretty common. He self-loathes his behavior of cheating on his wife years ago. Ergo, he loathes the woman who participated in the deed with him.

 

Not unusual at all.

 

Please. What about self-forgiveness?

 

How do you live life to it's fullest potential and look forward to the future if you can't let go of the past?

 

And really, what kind of twisted soul can't forgive himself after ALL THESE YEARS?

 

Hmmm, perhaps one who's bitter wife won't let him forget. How very sad.

[LilyBart]

Pity is far from love my dear. You will find very few men who love a promiscuous woman. They will sleep with them... but they are not meeting momma!

 

For all I know you probably pity your wife.....see my response to Spark above.

[bentnotbroken]

Please. What about self-forgiveness?

 

How do you live life to it's fullest potential and look forward to the future if you can't let go of the past?

 

And really, what kind of twisted soul can't forgive himself after ALL THESE YEARS?

Hmmm, perhaps one who's bitter wife won't let him forget. How very sad.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:And today's winning numbers are....................:lmao: