Thoughts of Her

[LilyBart]

More often than not an OW is nonexistent to the BS until DDay..therefore even if a BS wanted to think about her, she is not on her radar because you cannot think of someone you do not know.

 

FYI - I should have been more literal. I should have said the BW who knows about the OW.

[SoMovinOn]

There has NEVER been an OW that didn't come here posting about the W in one way or another.

 

Is it always posting that they are thinking about her in the manner brought of your original post - i.e. they are thinking about her with him, what they are doing, etc.?

 

I'm asking because I can't imagine anyone discussing an A and not bringing up the BS in some way. The BS is certainly a factor in the A. I would imagine it would be rare for the AP's to never discuss the BS in some manner - if nothing else, discussion on whether the BS might know something, where the BS might be, etc. - which I would say is a very different manner of "thinking about the BS". Would you agree?

 

(I'm using BS instead of W, because it could be an OM instead of an OW)

[NoIDidn't]

Is it always posting that they are thinking about her in the manner brought of your original post - i.e. they are thinking about her with him, what they are doing, etc.?

 

I'm asking because I can't imagine anyone discussing an A and not bringing up the BS in some way. The BS is certainly a factor in the A. I would imagine it would be rare for the AP's to never discuss the BS in some manner - if nothing else, discussion on whether the BS might know something, where the BS might be, etc. - which I would say is a very different manner of "thinking about the BS". Would you agree?

 

(I'm using BS instead of W, because it could be an OM instead of an OW)

 

My original post gave examples of several ways that the W (or BS) is thought of by the OP, but certainly not an exhaustive listing. There is one former OW who posted statements about the W in passing until the woman tried, apparently, to take her own life. The posts start out very neutral and turn negative. I'm certainly not judging her for her feelings, just another example of the many ways that the spouse of the person they are helping cheat comes up constantly.

 

Which is the point. So often the fact that this forum is "The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner" is brought up to silence those that aren't OPs but almost ALL the posts are filled with references to the person that is being betrayed.

 

Thinking about her/him can't be avoided completely, but doesn't have to be constant. There is a difference between the occasional reference to the BS and the frequent analyzing of her character, her intentions, her looks, or whatever else there is about her to view under a microscope.

 

I started this thread so we can talk about it however it happens. And hopefully for us all to see how some of the ways it occurs can be damaging to us. I might not totally agree with the posters in this thread that have an obvious problem with a non-OP starting a thread about OPs here, but I do agree with them that their A should be focused on their part of the triangle and not so much on the person in the dark about it.

 

I understand the casual telling of how the W is out of town and the OP is better able to see the MP/AP. I understand worrying that if she found out about the A, that the AR if he chooses her. But analyzing the way she likes sex (based on his reports), or how she treats him (based on his reports), or the emotional state she seems to have (based on his reports), can all lead to an unhealthy obsession about the part of the affair that can't be controlled.

 

I am not a supporter of affairs, but I recognize that people will always do what they think is best for them or makes them feel best at the moment. I'm not going to judge a person for doing the best they can with what they know. As dumb as it sounds, it might possibly be a good way to do a bad thing - a way to do something that could damage you so that its not as damaging as it could be.

 

For me, when I thought too much about the woman I was helping betray before I married, or when I thought too much about the woman that helped betray me when I was cheated on, it was decision time. Decide to stop thinking as much about her to the point that I was asking about her frequently or time to decide what to do about the R that caused the situation. From reading here, it seems that those that post the most about the BS are close to a decision as well. It seems to herald the end of the affair most of the time.

 

Editted: I didn't do a great job thinking this post out or proof-reading it, so please forgive if it rambles or causes unintentional offense.

[SidLyon]

I'm responding without reading anything past your original post.

 

You are giving "her" too much credit and how much real estate you think "she" takes up in my thoughts.

 

"WE" are what is important. "She" is not. It's quite simple.

 

I'm sure BW's would like to flatter themselves with the thought that they are thought of so often.....

 

Or perhaps it's because this is what BW's think about - "she" (the OW) takes up A LOT of head space for them?

 

Keep up that mantra:

 

"I will not think about the BW...I will not think about the BW...I will not think about the BW..."

 

Hmm see where it gets you.

[SoMovinOn]

Editted: I didn't do a great job thinking this post out or proof-reading it' date=' so please forgive if it rambles or causes unintentional offense.[/quote']

 

I was trying to understand the nature of your OP and what you were shooting for. I read through your ramblings a couple of times, and it seems you're leaning towards discussing being obsessed with the W (or the W being obsessed with the OW). Is that correct?

 

If so... I would say that when people make comparisons, especially when they get towards being obsessive about it, it may very well be an esteem issue. They are worried about "measuring up", being able to meet some standard (he married her, so he must like women who look like her, but I don't look like her, so why does he like me?)

 

I would think in most triangles, there is some competitiveness between the two, in this case, women. Certainly that would seem true in a case where the OW is hoping to have a permanent, "legitimate" R with the MM. In the end, one woman will be with him and the other will not - so there is somewhat of a sense of "Winning" - in which case, there would be some thought given to the "opponent's" strengths and weaknesses.

[Kitsune77]

As I posted in another thread, most of the time im fine with him being married. The other day was unusual, as I mentioned.

I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, and as i nentioned, the relationship suits me, actually it's helping me stay sane.

If I feel that I am loosing myself too much, I will think about changing it .

[whichwayisup]

I'm responding without reading anything past your original post.

 

You are giving "her" too much credit and how much real estate you think "she" takes up in my thoughts.

 

 

 

Or perhaps it's because this is what BW's think about - "she" (the OW) takes up A LOT of head space for them?

 

How's that possible when the A is going on and the BS is kept in the dark, doesn't even know the OW exists??

 

I'm sure BW's would like to flatter themselves with the thought that they are thought of so often.....

 

Wow, very nice comment.............

 

SOME OW on here DO think of the BS, whether you want to believe that or not.

The proof is here on LS, just read some more threads.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess the opposite is to the BS: I will not think about the OW...I will not think about the OW...

 

 

I thought about her and everything I wanted to do to her and everything I wanted to happen to her. She was a part of my thought process as I planned how I would proceed, as were her bs, her children and mine. Then life happened again and she is not a part of that life:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Spark1111]

I guess the opposite is to the BS: I will not think about the OW...I will not think about the OW...

 

I don't. Today I just feel kinda sorry for her. She was lied to and deceived also.

 

And YEARS later, she stumbles into one relationship after another with nothing lasting or permanent or particularly happy.

 

I sincerely hopes she finds it because I am a kind person.

 

But I think she will have to do a lot of counseling and introspection to fully re-visit her "daddy abandonment issues" before that will happen.

 

No man is going to rescue you. You have to rescue yourself.

 

In the meantime, she hates my H (unless he wants to re-kindle), she hates me, she hates her xH and his new wife. Everyone lied to her and she is still so angry. So she runs the risk of being the perpetual victim that the whole world has mistreated, over and over and over again.

 

Like I said, I feel sorry for her when I do think of her which is rare.

[Mrs. Jones]

Interesting topic.

 

I know the BW did not think of me during the A, because she was not aware of it. On DDay she had seen me through video with her husband, so I assume she replays that in her mind…or maybe she doesn’t.

 

I never thought of her much while I was seeing her H. I was not jealous of his relationship with her. I knew how he felt about me at the time and that was enough. Her physicality, lifestyle and tastes were so unlike mine. Since she and I were so different, I had just concluded his experiences with her would be different than his experiences with me.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't. Today I just feel kinda sorry for her. She was lied to and deceived also.

 

And YEARS later, she stumbles into one relationship after another with nothing lasting or permanent or particularly happy.

 

I sincerely hopes she finds it because I am a kind person.

 

But I think she will have to do a lot of counseling and introspection to fully re-visit her "daddy abandonment issues" before that will happen.

 

No man is going to rescue you. You have to rescue yourself.

 

In the meantime, she hates my H (unless he wants to re-kindle), she hates me, she hates her xH and his new wife. Everyone lied to her and she is still so angry. So she runs the risk of being the perpetual victim that the whole world has mistreated, over and over and over again.

 

Like I said, I feel sorry for her when I do think of her which is rare.

 

Sorry don't recall your details. How do you know so much about her, then or now, was she a friend/acquaintance?

[LilyBart]

Sorry don't recall your details. How do you know so much about her, then or now, was she a friend/acquaintance?

 

Wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a reply Silly_Girl.

 

Because the MM (meaning the WH) was most likely the one who provided all the information about "her" (the OW). Otherwise, why would you need to get in touch with the OW 2 (two!!!) years after the fact???

 

Of course, no one answered my question about self-forgiveness and how it's not possible to live life to its fullest when you're perpetually stuck in the past, either.

 

Any theories?

[mzdolphin]

My husband said that his AP seemed more interested in me than in him.

 

And you believed him because he is so honest. I just don't believe anything cheaters say.

[NoIDidn't]

Wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a reply Silly_Girl.

 

Because the MM (meaning the WH) was most likely the one who provided all the information about "her" (the OW). Otherwise, why would you need to get in touch with the OW 2 (two!!!) years after the fact???

 

Of course, no one answered my question about self-forgiveness and how it's not possible to live life to its fullest when you're perpetually stuck in the past, either.

 

Any theories?

 

And you believed him because he is so honest. I just don't believe anything cheaters say.

 

Both of these quotes suggest that the only information that the W gets about the OW following a D-day is from their H.

 

That is not true. It depends on if she is able to find out who the woman was and if she is on the periphery of their lives.

 

In my situation, she was a co-worker. And since she's the one that outed the affair that was over with another co-worker, the information that I received about her was from them. Most of it, I had no real use for, though.

 

She was also researching me since she'd visited my profiles on all the high school reunion type sites. They show you who checked out your profile if that person also has one.

 

Either way, my only point is that the W has more means than just her H to tell her about the OW and things that may have been on the OWs mind.

[SoMovinOn]

And you believed him because he is so honest. I just don't believe anything cheaters say.

 

I'm the same way with anyone who exceeds the speed limit. Lawbreakers can't be trusted!

[bentnotbroken]

Both of these quotes suggest that the only information that the W gets about the OW following a D-day is from their H.

 

That is not true. It depends on if she is able to find out who the woman was and if she is on the periphery of their lives.

 

In my situation, she was a co-worker. And since she's the one that outed the affair that was over with another co-worker, the information that I received about her was from them. Most of it, I had no real use for, though.

 

She was also researching me since she'd visited my profiles on all the high school reunion type sites. They show you who checked out your profile if that person also has one.

 

Either way, my only point is that the W has more means than just her H to tell her about the OW and things that may have been on the OWs mind.

 

 

I learned my info from her emails, texts, her BS and the people who had experienced her before.

[Spark1111]

Wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a reply Silly_Girl.

 

Because the MM (meaning the WH) was most likely the one who provided all the information about "her" (the OW). Otherwise, why would you need to get in touch with the OW 2 (two!!!) years after the fact???

 

Of course, no one answered my question about self-forgiveness and how it's not possible to live life to its fullest when you're perpetually stuck in the past, either.

 

Any theories?

 

I think he was the classic split self who realized what a horrible mistake he had made and still deals with self-loathing over his actions. he blamed her too, unfairly IMO.

 

I forgave him a long time ago, or I wouldn't be here. We still work on him forgiving himself and her. So sad!

 

I called her when she broke NC 2 years after the fact, in the workplace, wanting to rekindle, wink, wink.

 

The gloves came off. I have a life to protect now. Done with his full support and at my side.

 

We have mutual acquaintances in common, as they worked together (same office). Her x, and x inlaws live in my town.

 

It is truly a small world, smaller when you were a former investigative reporter as I was, work and live in a small town, and have many helpful friends and acquaintaces at his workplace.

[Spark1111]

I learned my info from her emails, texts, her BS and the people who had experienced her before.

 

Yes, of course, and all the above also!

 

Lots and lots of lies and tall tales. But like I have always stated, I do not believe she was your typical OW.

[Spark1111]

I learned my info from her emails, texts, her BS and the people who had experienced her before.

 

PS: And who would believe one word that came out of a WS's mouth at DDAY!

 

He could have said the sky was blue, and I would have walked outside to check it myself!

 

There was a poster her once who said the OW told her fWS she divorced her H because he was a hopeless drug addict.

 

The BS later finds out the H divorced the OW because he caught her in the marital bed with another MM.

 

Same story, different OW in my sitch....unfortunately!

[So Very Confused]

I'm not obsessed with "her" but I admit I was mildly curious about her. I googled her once and found out their anniversary and saw her name in an obituary from where his father died and that's it.

 

On the rare occasions that he mentioned her, it was a passing remark. Early on he mentioned that she's a good person but he's just not attracted to her anymore and didn't give any other explanation. He's just not the type to complain about her to me which makes me think he loves and respects her, to a degree, in spite of the fact that he's cheating on her. He mentioned that she found his cell phone bill and questioned him about it. He was very upset about it at the time but now he won't talk about D-day anymore. He says she knows but she chooses to look the other way. Whether or not that's true, I couldn't say but I doubt that's all there is to the story and I would like to know.

 

I tried not to think about her but I mostly do when I know they are together. It's more what he doesn't say that bothers me more than what he does (which isn't much).

 

I feel a little jealousy and I hate that. He's rightfully hers. On the other hand I know she's got a cheater and a liar and I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Most of the ill feelings are directed at him, he's the one stringing us both along.

 

What I really read the most, though is the underlying thought of "how can I show him that I'm different from 'her'?".

I don't feel that at all. I am who I am and I don't care if I'm like her or not. I might feel differently if I wanted to "win" him, but that's not the case.

[silktricks]

And you believed him because he is so honest. I just don't believe anything cheaters say.

 

I believe him for lots of reasons among those reasons is that he is honest. (One robin does not a spring make, nor one f*ck-up a liar.) But, if you think I took his word for anything without double and triple checking for quite some time after D-Day you'd be quite wrong ) However, his word was not my only line of information about her.