Separated man dumps me for his (ex)wife

[Bruisedbuthealing]

I was dating a man for almost a year. He had been separated and living apart from his wife for almost a year. Before that, they lived in the same house, but different rooms for more than a year. They have a small child together (the physical relationship ended when she got pregnant). They stayed legally married while their house was on the market and so that she could be covered under his health plan. They planned to finalize the divorce when the house sold.

 

The wife has some emotional problems and has always been needy. My guy kept saying that he could NEVER be in a relationship with her because of her emotional instability. They would argue on the phone about the child frequently. He has always been very open and honest with me about their situation.

 

When she and her boyfriend broke up, she found herself alone, which she hasn't really been since going to college. She decided she wanted to reconcile her marriage. For a month, my boyfriend struggled, then broke up with me. He indicated that he wasn't in love with her, but was in love with me. He said he wasn't attracted to her and wasn't 100% sure that he could make the relationship work.

 

He said that he had to try to revive the marriage for the child. Adding that for the first time, she was willing to seek counseling. He says that if things don't work out, he will come immediately back to me if I will have him back.

 

On a related note, their house finally sold two weeks ago.

 

~~~

 

If a friend presented me with this situation, I would tell her to move on.

It isn't so easy when you are in the middle of it! I have been in a few long-term relationships before and I had never felt this strongly for someone before. I never felt things click so well and felt that someone was such a good match for me.

 

I have been out of the relationship for more than a month now and still want him back (with the condition that his divorce be final before we see each other).

 

So, as you can see, I could use some guidance. I was left with hope, but I have no idea if I should hold on to that hope or let it go.

 

Does anyone have experience? Know statistics? Have advice? Any idea of how long this sort of reconciliation attempt can last before they give up?

 

Thanks!

[supermom]

It almost seems as if hes asking you to wait for him, which you shouldnt do. You are being his second choice, or "plan B" which is not fair for you. If he loved you he would of told his wife "I'm sorry but I have moved on" and ended it, but since he knows hes got you to fall back on.......

 

I hope now that he's back in the house their child is not in the middle of their arguments....children should not be the only reason to stay together.

 

I hope you find enough strength to move on yourself, you dont deserve to be #2

[midori]

Originally posted by Bruisedbuthealing

Does anyone have experience? Know statistics? Have advice? Any idea of how long this sort of reconciliation attempt can last before they give up?

 

Thanks!

 

I don't know the statistics on this sort of thing, and I wouldn't trust them anyway. I know you're just looking for some kind of siign as to what you should do, and right now you're thinking that what you should do is a function of what he is likely to do... I'm not so sure that's how you should be looking at it. Let's look at what you've got to consider, in your particular case:

 

1. Their marriage was already bad when you came into his life.

 

2. It sounds like he moved out concurrent to meeting you. Was that a coincidence?

 

3. Despite loving you, and despite the good relationship the two of you shared, he feels a strong duty to his child, and to his wife, and is thus putting their interests over yours (his presumably lie somewhere inbetween).

 

I think that #3 is the thing to focus on. Regardless of whether his attempt to reconcile with his wife succeeds, he is always going to feel a very strong duty to his child, and it would seem, to his wife. So even if they ultimately divorce, she will be a constant factor in his life. You report that she's emotionally unstable. So this guy's life will always, to one extent or another, have to take into consideration the needs of an emotionally unstable woman. Sure, it's possible that she'd get better in time, or that she would find someone else to latch onto. But you'd better not bet on that.

 

You have been told, in effect, that you are less important to him than his child is. And that is a good thing, don't you think? What would you think of a man for whom that wasn't true? But what does that mean for you -- can you handle always being a second (or third) priority? How will you feel about his finances being partially devoted, not just to the child but to the emotionally unstable mother as well?

 

Basically, I'm advising you to not consider your next step based on what you think is the likely outcome of his attempted reconciliation, but rather on what life would be like for you if you get what you think you want -- for him to come back. It wouldn't be the same as it was before he broke up with you. Before that, you could tell yourself that his love for you was strong enough that he'd sacrifice other things for it. You perhaps thought that now that he knew how great love could be (with you) he regretted ever having wasted time with his emotionally unstable wife, and that he would certainly never go back to her, not after seeing how great things were with you. You now know that isn't the case: there are some things in his life that will take precedence over you. How comfortable will you be with him, knowing that? It's one thing to pay lip service to thinking that it's great that he loves his child so much, it's quite another to deal with it when you are actually negatively affected by his devotion to his child.

 

Be careful how you rationalize this to yourself. Be careful not to ignore your own side in this. Yes, he's got a lot on his plate, lots of responsibilities to different parties. Sounds like he's a well-meaning guy. Sounds like his wife has a lot of problems. But that shouldn't over-shadow in your mind the fact that he has abandoned you, despite the love he professed. And even if he came back, it wouldn't be the same.

 

I'm not suggesting that you don't wait for him. But I suggest you think about why you're waiting for him.

[Bruisedbuthealing]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I agree with what you say - only I think the child complicates things. This guy is crazy about his kid and would do anything to make that child happy.

 

I told him that I didn't want to be 2nd choice. He said that I wasn't, that he had to try to save the marriage for the child.

 

I don't have children, so I don't know what to think.

 

I guess that is why I am here!

[Bruisedbuthealing]

Thanks Supermom.

 

I guess I knew that all along, but you definately make sense and put my feelings into words.

 

I will keep that in mind.

 

Also, I am not waiting. I am trying to date. So far, no luck.

My feelings are still pretty raw, but things will heal in time.

[Just Visiting]

Hi Bruised;

 

I have been in the same situation, so I know what you are thinking, feeling, wondering...everything. The good thing with your circumstance is that he told you. My ex didn't extend the same courtesy to me, and that hurt....alot. It still does today (it is going on a year now), but not as much.

 

Like everyone has indicated, it is not a good idea to wait for him. You can end up waiting for a very long time. Life is too short. By the time you have moved on with your life...he MAY try to reconcile. But as they say.."you snooze, you lose". Who wants to be the one who is constantly compromised for the sake of others? I wouldn't. Take time to heal from this relationship then find that person who deserves you. Good luck!!

[Bruisedbuthealing]

Hi Just Visiting,

 

You are right. I just wish my heart would just catch up with my head!

Every day is a little easier.

 

Just out of curiosity - did this guy ever try to get you back?

Did you ever speak to him again?

If so, how much time lapsed?

[Just Visiting]

I ended it with him at the end of June/03 after finding out what he was doing behind my back. From there, I tried everything I could to heal and move on. Just these past few days...my heart is FINALLY starting to catch up with what my head has been saying. You know that the person isn't good for you, but your heart is still latched on. Now my heart is starting to go, "oooohhh...okay..now I am starting to see what you have been saying..." I am seeing him for what he really is now.

 

Three months after the break-up, my ex came to what was to be "our" apartment to pick up his things. I was distant but civil. Over a month later, he called me in the middle of the night after having a few beers. We talked for quite awhile. I told him how he hurt me, everything. I thought it would be okay from there on. He hinted at a reconciliation. Saying how much he missed me and how good it was with us. I find out later that he moved his ex and their 2 kids into his house, without even telling me. It's funny, just when I was starting to feel good about myself and move on, he showed up.

 

In February, I emailed him saying that I wanted to forgive the situation and let it rest. I was trying to find a way to feel better about myself, him, and what happened. I admit that it wasn't as sincere as it should have been. However, he agreed, saying that he wanted to be friends as well. I have seen him a couple of times with is now-again family and I have no interest in talking to him. Right now, I am allowing the anger to flow through me. That was something I always had trouble with..thought I was the lesser person in thinking or saying mean things about someone else. It is liberating to admit that he lied and betrayed my trust. And that he is a loser.

 

There is alot more to our story but that is the jist of it. I wouldn't be surprised if my ex tries to re-establish contact. Especially when things start to get rough with his again wife. But I know for sure that I am worth more than what he can offer.

 

Like the cliche, it is going to take time. I have done and tried everything to get where I am now. Read books, sought counselling, talked endlessly with my closest friends and sisters, everything. Do the same...because no one else is going to take care of you. You have to do it yourself.

[befuddled11]

Your situation is *exactly* the reason that people shouldn't get involved with someone who's "separated", or not yet officially/legally divorced and has fully dealt with their baggage.

 

When someone's separated, there's always the chance they'll reconcile with their (ex) spouse. Now add to that a child they share, and the risk is even higher. Not only do they have a pretty significant history together, but they have a very powerful, tangible bond between them: their child/children.

 

A person who's separated, whether they have a child or not (but much moreso if they do) has a sh*tload of issues and baggage to deal with. They're generally on the rebound. They're generally trying to fill the void of their failing/failed marriage with someone else.

 

I think your guy is using his child as an excuse. People who are miserable in their marriage don't make the decision to go from a good relationship (lke supposedly with you), back into a miserable marriage, all for the sake of the children. A miserable marriage is not a good place for a child to grow up.

 

You only know your husband's side of the story..that his wife had emotional problems, was "needy" and that they were waiting for the house to sell before finalizing the divorce. SHe couldn't have been all that bad or he wouldn't have gone back with her. It would be interesting to hear HER side of the story, though it doesn't matter now.

 

This offer of his:

 

"He says that if things don't work out, he will come immediately back to me if I will have him back."

 

...it's kind of revolting. He chose her over you but if things don't pan out with her, he'll come back to you? How screwed up is that? He's obviously a moron.

 

You deserve better. Move on with your life and forget this putz. And in the future, don't even consider getting involved with someone who's still dealing with relationship-baggage that's so fresh and undealt with.

[Bruisedbuthealing]

You are SO right befuddled11 !!

 

I have gotten a bunch of private emails on the side from women in the same situation. My goodness there are so many consistencies among us!

 

I would have never dated this guy if I had known he was still married. He originally told me that he was divorced. It wasn't until we had been dating for some time that he told me the truth.

 

I went against my better judgement becasue the couple had lived in different towns for a year and hadn't slept in the same room in over 2 years.

 

To all the women contemplating dating a separated man, I tell you this:

RUN! don't walk, RUN!

 

Men cannot committ to another woman until the at least a few months after the divorce decree is issued. Even then, they will probably go through a rebound woman or two.

 

It isn't worth it! I don't care how wonderful this guy is! You may fall easily into a relationship becase after being married, he knows how to act in a committed relationship. Unfortunatley, he acts that way, but cannot fully BE that way.

 

In short, sisters don't do it!

 

Good luck to all of you who are going through this. It is tough, I know.

Get on an online dating service and find a decent man without the baggage!

[Just Visiting]

I totally agree with you Bruised! If I knew then what I know now....I wouldn't have gotten involved with my ex. Sometimes...you have to learn lessons the hard way.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Just Visiting

Sometimes...you have to learn lessons the hard way.

 

Sometimes you have to learn them more than once.

[Gatsby]

It seems as if all replies have been from women so I will try to give a fresh perspective from a mans point of view. I am currently going through the final stages of a six month seperation. Kids are not involved and there is no great amount of animosity between us. My wife just has no feeling for me anymore and hasn't for some time. After much soul searching I was able to face the issues in my life that she had been unable(unwilling?) to tell me concerned her. Although now I have my life moving forward once again she recently informed me it just wasn't going to work out. She just doesn't feel anything.

 

 

Now to address the main point of whether to get involved with a seperated man I would have to say emphatically no. Every time I see her I melt. I haven't had the time to adjust to not being in love. I'll sit around thinking about all the things she did in the relationship that bothered me and screw up my nerve for the next time we see each other but then I look her in the eyes and let love I still feel for her subdue me. By no means do I deny that it is over-she has made that very clear. But she is such a good person and we share so many likes if she were to say there might be a chance I would jump at it, try anything because I still feel that much for her.

 

 

Obviously all relationships are different and I don't think this would apply just to men. The person who is being let go always needs more time to learn to let go of that love. I know for me I won't be able to start until the papers are signed. I know I'm setting myself up for more pain but it is the only choice that gives me peace. If knowing there is someone who loves her unconditionally can ease any of the pain I caused her in our marriage then I am willing to at least give that to her.

 

I have thought of mingling at least, just to get out and keep my mind from dwelling on the loneliness. But I would never subject anyone to a serious relationship with me in my present state of mind. It wouldn't be fair to me or them.

 

Bottom line - Keep your distance until the divorce is final. There's just to many emotions involved.

[Bruisedbuthealing]

Thanks Gatsby for your honest and heart felt post.

 

I can see the pain you are goin through too. Thank you also for not dating another woman and using her to fill the hole in your life.

 

I have been reading quite a bit about the subject - here and other places. I recently found a book that might help some people who are in this situation. It is called, "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce" by Robyn Todd and Lesley Dormen.

 

The book talks about why separated men are so dangerous and risky. They aren't being hurtful on purpose. Basically, they have a huge gaping hole in their lives, so they are eager to rush into a serious relationship. They know how to act in a committed relationship, but the problem is that they transfered their feelings from their wife to you. They didn't build naturally like single men.

 

That is why it happens so fast and it feels so good. There are no walls, no difficulties and they are willing to work out any problems that pop up - execpt the biggest problem! They haven't gotten over their ex!

 

This is a recipe for disaster for most people.

[Gatsby]

That book is right on the money, Bruised. The trick is to identify the loneliness for what it is, a need to simply be with someone. Why else would people endure each other. When that immense feeling of closeness is stripped away it hurts so much you will do just about anything to fill that hole. First it is to get your mate back, but when you accept that that isn't going to happen you turn to look alikes, people who fit your spouses profile. You do this without even thinking.

 

Recently I have started to look into the personals, just to get a glimpse, and catch myself comparing everyone to my wife. It's a difficult situation to manage because I was attracted to her for all the interest we have in common, so of course I'm going to look for those again. That is why you have to have that finality. There must be that acknowledgement that SHE is gone forever and not coming back. Not only that, but you have to not want her back. That's the real trick, but I think I've started to figure that one out already. That's a whole other chapter.

 

Anyway, good luck. I can't say if he's worth the wait. Maybe he just needs to figure those feeling out for himself.

 

 

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

[yellowrose]

Originally posted by midori

Their marriage was already bad when you came into his life.

 

 

Says the man who wanted to have an affair. What was he supposed to say? I love my wife, she's a fantastic woman, but I really just want to have sex with someone else???

 

Pssh. You OW need to realize that the H is going to tell you whatever he needs to in order to get his freak on with you and rationalize it to both of you.

 

-Yr