Do the butterflies stop?

[eleanor01]

Hello, All,

 

I have a few questions for the MM, MW, OW, OM here. This is my first affair and while I did consider some of the things that might be different in this relationship than with others I've had, I didn't consider other things (this board is being very helpful to me in this regard, and I thank you).

 

I have been in love before and I have felt the butterflies and anticipation. However, I certainly never thought that, now that I'm in my dotage, I'd feel the butterflies again. I don't believe my butterflies have anything to do with a thrill of the illicit (when I think of our relationship in those terms, it totally kills the butterflies), but I wonder if maybe the the preciousness of the time spent together might perpetuate the butterflies. I am astonished that I feel butterflies when I know I'm going to get to see him. . . whether or not it is for love or for lunch.

 

So, my questions for you are:

1. Do the butterflies stop?

2. If so, when?

3. If so, why?

4. If the butterflies persist, what is your theory regarding why that happens?

 

Thanks,

Ellie

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I've read that unrequitted/unrealized (in the case of A's) limerance lasts for much longer than requitted/realized limerance. If you situation changes and his wife dies leaving him available to you, then the excitement should progress or digress as it would in a normal R.

[OWoman]

Hello, All,

 

I have a few questions for the MM, MW, OW, OM here. This is my first affair and while I did consider some of the things that might be different in this relationship than with others I've had, I didn't consider other things (this board is being very helpful to me in this regard, and I thank you).

 

I have been in love before and I have felt the butterflies and anticipation. However, I certainly never thought that, now that I'm in my dotage, I'd feel the butterflies again. I don't believe my butterflies have anything to do with a thrill of the illicit (when I think of our relationship in those terms, it totally kills the butterflies), but I wonder if maybe the the preciousness of the time spent together might perpetuate the butterflies. I am astonished that I feel butterflies when I know I'm going to get to see him. . . whether or not it is for love or for lunch.

 

So, my questions for you are:

1. Do the butterflies stop?

2. If so, when?

3. If so, why?

4. If the butterflies persist, what is your theory regarding why that happens?

 

Thanks,

Ellie

 

Ellie, I can't speak for anyone else, but in my case:

 

1) the butterflies have not stopped. We've been in the R for 7 years now, of which three have been living together full-time, 2 and a half of those married. My heart still skips a beat when I see his number on my mobile, or hear his footsteps elsewhere in the house, or when I open my eyes to find him looking at me in the morning. I still melt at his touch.

 

2) Perhaps it happens later in Rs - Rs that are older than 7 years; couples who've lived together longer than 3 years, or who have been married for more than 2 and a half. It hasn't happened for us yet. Perhaps that still awaits us.

 

3) I can't answer from experience, but I would guess perhaps familiarity? Complacency? A lack of excitement?

 

4) For us, I think because every day we celebrate that we made it to be together, that things worked out for us better than we'd ever dared hope, that we are so very lucky to have each other, that we are so blessed to have our love and to share it as we do every day and in so many ways. We've both been M before. We both know how bad it can be. We know what the alternatives are, so we appreciate what we have so much more. We do not take each other for granted, and we never tire of listening to each other and learning from and about each other. While it is comfortable and secure and safe, it is as new and exciting and incredible for us today as it ever was.

 

Enjoy it! And long may it last for you

[jthorne]

Butterflies are normal in an early relationship. They are also very prominent when the deal is not consummated and there is uncertainty. Butterflies also developed when there are hurdles to overcome to see your lover. Butterflies are prominent when your lover is not available 24/7 and you have to wait for that special precious moment.

 

Open normal relationships with no obstacles lack some of the above tension and enter a routine state in a quick manner.

 

IMHO, the butterflies are stronger in an affair because of all the built hurdles and the uncertainty.

 

Furthermore, a 4 year affair with sporadic meetings could be the equivalent of a 2 month open relationship so the butterflies last a long time.

 

Some affairs have butterflies despite a duration of 20 years because you don't have your lover 24/7. In other words you stretch the romantic phase for a very long time.

 

Many men and women that break up an affair cannot replicate the butterflies within a normal open daylight relationship because these relationships lack the hurdles and the uncertainty.

I agree that illicit situations cause butterflies, mainly due to the anticipation of the unknown. I'm sure even the most skilled bank robbers still get butterflies right before they enter the bank.

[Gentlegirl]

HI Ellie,

 

After almost three years those damned butterflies NEVER stopped.

 

I think if I heard from xMM again they would return.... not from anticipations of anything exciting but in horror!

 

Gentlegirl

[carhill]

I've read that unrequitted/unrealized (in the case of A's) limerance lasts for much longer than requitted/realized limerance. If you situation changes and his wife dies leaving him available to you, then the excitement should progress or digress as it would in a normal R.

Yeah, that pretty much aligns with my experience. I will comment that it was pretty strong, even after 20+ years and 14 years apart. I did see the good and bad. It was when I realized that the unhealthy would always rule her that the feelings went away. YMMV.

[y2k]

1. No, they only grow with time...

 

4. When two people love each other and still get excited about each other after years, it's love...Even your insides feel it...

 

For those who say that when you marry and see each other in good and bad and it goes away, I think that's pretty sad that you feel that way and that would sure make me shy away from M.

 

It's when you see the good and bad, and you still get the butterflies, then you know you're still madly in love, period.

 

Well said. And in my opinion, if those butterflies go away and if they have no chance of coming back, then the relationship (even a marriage) MUST END.

 

Not that I'm saying everyone should cheat, but at the same time, people should not be forced to be with someone they don't love, while being in love with someone else.

 

Too many people here in this forum think people should stay in a marriage even if they're not in love with each other. I don't agree with them. They're probably religious or something. It's the 21st century and I believe people (men or women) should be allowed to follow their hearts. Just try to separate from your spouse before going after someone else PLEASE!!!!

 

And I hope as many people as possible find lasting long term relationships where the butterflies don't go away.

 

Good luck.

[Frank13]

Too many people here in this forum think people should stay in a marriage even if they're not in love with each other. I don't agree with them.

 

I agree. People act like there is some sort award or something at the end of your life for staying in an unhappy marriage. How sad to look back on your death bed at the years of unhappiness because you throught being a martyer would get you an award.

[TurboGirl]

Hello, All,

 

I have a few questions for the MM, MW, OW, OM here. This is my first affair and while I did consider some of the things that might be different in this relationship than with others I've had, I didn't consider other things (this board is being very helpful to me in this regard, and I thank you).

 

I have been in love before and I have felt the butterflies and anticipation. However, I certainly never thought that, now that I'm in my dotage, I'd feel the butterflies again. I don't believe my butterflies have anything to do with a thrill of the illicit (when I think of our relationship in those terms, it totally kills the butterflies), but I wonder if maybe the the preciousness of the time spent together might perpetuate the butterflies. I am astonished that I feel butterflies when I know I'm going to get to see him. . . whether or not it is for love or for lunch.

 

So, my questions for you are:

1. Do the butterflies stop?

2. If so, when?

3. If so, why?

4. If the butterflies persist, what is your theory regarding why that happens?

 

Thanks,

Ellie

 

Well, as a former OW... the butterflies will stop when you realize that he's a liar and a cheat and will throw you under the bus in a nano second if it means preserving his happy homelife. Let's see how you feel when you have big plans for an evening together, and the W gets sick and your MM has to take the kids to soccer practice... or the W decides to come back early from the beach, so your plans are now trashed... and let's see how great you feel on all the holidays knowing that your MM is spending it with his W and family, all happy & together... like you don't even exist. (oh well you might get an email, LOL)

 

Sorry to be a killjoy. So enjoy your butterflies while they are in season, my dear, because they can fly away home at any time.

[eleanor01]

Well, as a former OW... the butterflies will stop when you realize that he's a liar and a cheat and will throw you under the bus in a nano second if it means preserving his happy homelife. Let's see how you feel when you have big plans for an evening together, and the W gets sick and your MM has to take the kids to soccer practice... or the W decides to come back early from the beach, so your plans are now trashed... and let's see how great you feel on all the holidays knowing that your MM is spending it with his W and family, all happy & together... like you don't even exist. (oh well you might get an email, LOL)

 

Sorry to be a killjoy. So enjoy your butterflies while they are in season, my dear, because they can fly away home at any time.

 

Not to worry about being a killjoy. You are being candid and open and have offered your perspective on the questions that I asked.

 

My MM can be called away at a moment's notice, always has his phone with him, and although he hasn't had to cancel plans yet, he will have to eventually. Our circumstances are different from most those of most people on here and so I won't be surprised when we've planned something and it can't happen. He's said on several occasions that if his sporadic availability gets to me, he would completely understand if I need to back out. Not gonna happen.

 

That said, I do get lonely for him.

 

Thanks,

Ellie

[eleanor01]

I've read the responses on this thread several times now. Thanks--y'all offered some wonderful insights. Also, thanks for the well wishes and personal compliment (!?!).

 

And, IWWH, thanks for exposing me to a new concept. I had never heard the word "limerence" before so I looked it up. Pretty interesting stuff.

 

Best,

Ellie