Too soon to get engaged again?

[superchiefs]

Hello everyone, it has been a while since I have posted here, however, I would like to thank everyone that gave me such great advice when I was the victim of a broken engagement back in April, but now I need some more advice. After doing a lot of self reflection and healing, I re-entered the dating world 2 months ago. I went on a few dates and I ended up meeting someone online that I really connected with. I have been dating them for 6 weeks and I feel like I am already ready to marry them. I started discussing marriage with them about 2 weeks ago, and they said they could easily see themself marrying me too. While I am not planning on getting engaged this weekend, I am wondering, would it be too soon to get engaged this winter? If I would get engaged any time before next April, that would put me at being engaged to 2 different women in less than a year's time. Would that be bad?

[citrusdrop1688]

um... yeah... that would be bad. Theres no way you are emotionally ready to be that heavily involved with someone new. That not even being considered, someone who didnt just have a major break up shouldnt be thinking about getting engaged to someone that quickly. The honeymoon stage lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 years and until that ends you dont really know who the other person is, your seeing them and your relationship through rose colored glasses. There are all these chemicals rushing through your brain, making you feel high, caused by this new relationship. Which im sure is a welcome change to being heart broken, but that doesnt mean you should rush in the opposite direction.

[smudge21]

I never understood this urge to be married so soon and often so young. If you're happy together, stay happy. Why the need to sign papers and have huge gatherings costing small fortunes.

 

You clearly like this girl so just enjoy your time together, make the most of it and live life. If marriage is what you want after a while in each others company, then go for it, but don't just jump in there head first.

[CaliBabe]

im with smudge

[carhill]

A New Year's Eve proposal wouldn't get any pushback from me.

 

If this is a rebound, it'll be over long before then. Even then, it's still a proposal. There's no rule how long the engagement has to be. No rush. Go with the flow.

[superchiefs]

Well, I guess my thought process is that if the girl says she can see herself marrying me, and I can see myself marrying her, why not get engaged? My thoughts were a winter proposal, with a Summer of 2013 wedding. My last engagement was a May of 2010 proposal with a Winter of 2011 wedding and obviously that gave her enough time to decide she didnt want marriage with me.

[carhill]

OK, here's the next question. At what point will you cohabit?

 

Personally, I don't see any issue with your timeline. If you follow through, you'll have been together over two years, well beyond the 'honeymoon' period, by the time you tie it up legally.

 

I would advise to avoid cohabiting too soon, perhaps at least waiting until firm wedding plans (venue, caterer, honeymoon. etc) are made. This runs against contemporary conventional wisdom, so take it FWIW.

[superchiefs]

brokenheartkid, the last girl I was with appeared to want the same things as I did. I didnt want to rush things with her, so I waited 4.5 years before proposing. After she agreed to marry me, things started to change because I guess she started to realize that maybe she didnt want the same things as I did. So I guess my thinking there is that by doing a longer engagement, that gives people a longer time period to really think about whether they want to marry the person or not. If I had not done the longer engagement, and had just gotten married within 3 months like my ex wanted, then more than likely, I would have gone through a divorce because it took her almost a year to figure out that she didnt want the same things as me.

[superchiefs]

OK, here's the next question. At what point will you cohabit?

 

Personally, I don't see any issue with your timeline. If you follow through, you'll have been together over two years, well beyond the 'honeymoon' period, by the time you tie it up legally.

 

I would advise to avoid cohabiting too soon, perhaps at least waiting until firm wedding plans (venue, caterer, honeymoon. etc) are made. This runs against contemporary conventional wisdom, so take it FWIW.

 

 

We will not cohabit until we are married. She has said that she does not believe in living together before marriage, and I agree with her. I did not live with my ex either.

[Geya]

Oh yes there is soemthing wrong with that, marriage isn't a game, it isn't "hmm yeah I could marry her", it's nothing you should rush into, you're still young and you have the rest of your life to get married, you don't wana be the guy who got divorced 49832489 times when he was young, don't rush into anything, if you are going to marry somone don't let it be just a thought or a "I could see myself marrying her" get to know the person as much as you can and take your time, this person will be there with you forever, will be your life partner, will be there in the good and the bad, you're making a huge decision here so please don't make it without taking your time thinking about it

 

Best of luck

[carhill]

It sounds like there are cultural/religious norms/customs being followed here. OP, some insight please? Is this path typical amongst your peers? If so, you will necessarily have the support and wisdom of the community in your corner. I suggest you avail yourself of it.

 

TBH, looking back, there wasn't really anything I became aware of during the 18 months my exW and I dated and were engaged that only later became evident after marrying and living together. It was all there, right in the beginning. All we needed were healthy eyes to see it.

 

Should you choose to propose, I would suggest additionally proposing PMC to help you with clarity in your choices and understanding the elements of compatibility critical to marital success. Think of it as 'marriage training'. Good luck.

[carhill]

I didn't say that it would increase the probability of success, rather suggested that the OP avail himself of it as a resource for collective wisdom. Certain cultural and/or religious communities do actively support marriage and family so young couples are 'indoctrinated' into that path and supported along it. They learn how to be married in a healthy way.

 

This (cohabiting only after marriage) may be the OP and his GF's personal philosophy, IDK. I had a similar one when younger and it had nothing to do with religion or culture. The older I get the firmer it gets. A woman will have to do a lot of positive things to get into my space again. I wouldn't personally think of getting engaged so soon after a failed engagement, but that's my path. The OP has his. Summer of 2013 is a long ways off. A lot can happen between now and then.

[superchiefs]

brokenheartkid, yes, it is against my religion to live with someone before marrying them. My parents did not live together before getting married and they are still happily married. My ex's parents did not live together before getting married and they are still happily married. And my current girlfriend's parents did not live together before getting married. In fact, my current girlfriend said that her parents got engaged after only knowing each other for a month, they have now been together for 30 years. So not living together before marriage doesnt necessarily mean the marriage will fail.

 

carhill, yes, we are both catholic and it is against our religion to live together before marriage. And yes, marriage counseling with a catholic priest 6 months prior to marriage is also a requirement of our religion so we will definitely do that.

 

Thank you to everyone so far for the great advice.

[marqueemoon4]

way too soon.. get to know this person for a few years and if you still feel the same way about them move forward with getting engaged.

[carhill]

OP, does your diocese/parish still endorse pre-cana? If so, I'd suggest availing yourself of it, either in place of or adjunct to PMC. I think a combination of the secular and religious perspective is good for balance, and think it wise, in deference to brokenheartedkid1's assertion that religion/culture tends to support its own teachings rather than a specific couple and their marriage. That said, if both you and your GF are firm believers in the Catholic faith, go with that which works for you.

 

I don't see any red flags and I would tell you if I did. Time will tell if this is a relationship in the realm of your and her parent's. At your age, they likely had no idea what the future would bring. They lived the present, which today is their history and your example. Good luck.

[Graceful]

I'm surprised no one has said what is the most obvious question, so I'll ask.

 

You're current GF knows all about your broken engagement and that it wasn't that long ago, correct? If that's the case, and I assume it is, and she's going forward with you on a serious path, AND you don't intend to get engaged until some time this winter, provided the relationship grows, then I say, why not?

 

If you both are crystal clear by January, and your other relationship ended last May, AND you don't intend to marry until 2013, I don't see anything wrong with that timeline. Again, be absolutely crystal clear.

 

Funny thing is that very often when a LTR (such as the one you had) results in an engagement, after knowing someone a few years, and then the engagement is broken, it's not surprising at all for at least one of the people to move on and know what they want, and know it quickly. You saw what worked, and what didn't, now you (should) know.

 

Best wishes. Again, there is a big IF in the equation, because you don't even know how things will be by let's say, January, but if you two are going strong, then consider yourself very fortunate. Take care.

 

PS Not for nothing, but my parents only knew each other for 9 months prior to getting engaged, and were married on the one-year mark. Together ever since. It's not really all that outrageous, you know.

 

Hello everyone, it has been a while since I have posted here, however, I would like to thank everyone that gave me such great advice when I was the victim of a broken engagement back in April, but now I need some more advice. After doing a lot of self reflection and healing, I re-entered the dating world 2 months ago. I went on a few dates and I ended up meeting someone online that I really connected with. I have been dating them for 6 weeks and I feel like I am already ready to marry them. I started discussing marriage with them about 2 weeks ago, and they said they could easily see themself marrying me too. While I am not planning on getting engaged this weekend, I am wondering, would it be too soon to get engaged this winter? If I would get engaged any time before next April, that would put me at being engaged to 2 different women in less than a year's time. Would that be bad?

[carhill]

Funny thing is that very often when a LTR (such as the one you had) results in an engagement, after knowing someone a few years, and then the engagement is broken, it's not surprising at all for at least one of the people to move on and know what they want, and know it quickly. You saw what worked, and what didn't, now you (should) know.

 

Great point and thanks for adding it. OP, what's your perspective on that?

[superchiefs]

Graceful, yes, my current girlfriend knows about my prior engagement and all of the details. I told her before I met her, as I did with all of the girls that I dated so that way everything was on the table. Funny thing about that, of the 4 girls I went on dates with after the broken engagement, all 4 of them seemed to really be drawn to the fact that I was so honest with them before going on those dates and all 4 wanted to go on 2nd dates. However, I just really seemed to connect with this girl, and now here I am 6 weeks later.

 

And yes, after the broken engagement happened, I did a lot of reflection, not only on myself, but also on some of the red flags that were flying on my previoius relationship. There was definitely a huge lack of communication about what was important to each of us in the relationship. Apparently my ex only wanted to get married in a catholic church for her grandma's benefit, but her grandma died 2 years ago, so that was no longer important to her. Also, she doesnt care about going to church and has said she just thinks that is great if going to church makes me happy. I learned this after the broken engagement as she did not tell me this until then.

 

And yeah, I realize by January, it is possible that I will find several things out about my current gf that end up causing things to go sour. However, for the first 6 weeks, we have both laid all our dirty laundry from the past out on the table and we are both still in the relationship. Another funny thing about us is that we have such similar interests that our paths could have crossed several times over the past 9 years. Even though she no longer lives in the same town as me, she actually went to the same college as me and graduated the exact same semester. I believe football season will paint an even more clear picture because she says she is very interested in football. My ex hated football and never went to a single game with me last year when I was meeting my friends and their gf's or wives for tailgating parties. So it will be interesting to see if my new gf comes to those events with me and how she gets along with my friends. On years past, my ex would come to a game or two, but she would hardly talk to any of my friends when she would come. After the relationship ended, she let me know that she suffered from social anxiety disorder, so that was her excuse for not talking at those things.

[Mack05]

chiefs...I mean seriously. I urge fellow LS members to read your previous posts. U should change the name superchiefs to REBOUND! Dude, take time out....There is no rush to get enagaged, especially when u didnt even grieve your last relationship properly..I get bashed for saying this too often, but you are top 3 on LS that needs to see a professional...Tomorrow I will explain exactly why!!!!!!!!!!

[PelicanPete]

I am wondering, would it be too soon to get engaged this winter? If I would get engaged any time before next April, that would put me at being engaged to 2 different women in less than a year's time. Would that be bad?

 

I think you already know the answer to that question. If it were something you truly felt was the right decision for you, you wouldn't be looking for the approval of online strangers to help you validate your whimsical thinking.

 

Why are you in a rush to get married anyway? If you really care about this person, you don't really need a marriage certificate to prove that. Get to know her better before making that legally bound promise that you will love this person for the rest of your life. Pull out the magnifying glass and get to read the fine print before making such an important commitment.

[wilsonx]

I think you already know the answer to that question. If it were something you truly felt was the right decision for you, you wouldn't be looking for the approval of online strangers to help you validate your whimsical thinking.

 

Why are you in a rush to get married anyway? If you really care about this person, you don't really need a marriage certificate to prove that. Get to know her better before making that legally bound promise that you will love this person for the rest of your life. Pull out the magnifying glass and get to read the fine print before making such an important commitment.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

THIS

 

I was trying to figure out how to respond to this thread and make you see it without having to read everyone else's post and copy them.

[Graceful]

Okay, thanks, Chiefs.

 

I must be in a benevolent mood or something, but all I saw in your question was you asking for a read on the potential of getting engaged in 6 months, and after that, having an 18 month engagement.

 

Why is everyone hitting the panic button?

 

Read the post. He's not rushing into anything, and has just told me that he is aware that the relationship could go south in the next 6 months.

 

I stand by this statement, as I have seen it happen time and time again. A LTR that resulted in an engagement ends. The couple may have been together 4, 5, 6, or more years. So obviously, the years together didn't make a guarantee. If anything, living together and spending all those years together didn't even make a strong commitment, they split up, the engagement was broken.

 

At least one member of that couple is VERY LIKELY to establish themselves in a new relationship within a year, and it's VERY LIKELY that relationship will result in marriage. Yes, very likely. They want to strike while the iron is hot, they know what they want.

 

So I don't really see this as a red flag situation. And Chiefs is not rushing into anything.

 

So I'm taking the more liberal, open viewpoint. Go for it. And in 6 months if all's well, there is clarity, love, commitment, similar goals and values, and all the rest, then why should he let that slip away?

 

I guess I'm just in the mood to give my support to the underdog. So there ya go, that's my take on the matter, and that's where I happen to stand.

 

I do, however, encourage Chiefs to read all of the input, and take it all into consideration; all the advice has merit. GL, Chiefs. Peace. Graceful

[Graceful]

I'm just curious. Why is it less valid for this person to come here and ask this question than it is for anyone else that comes here to ask a question?

 

Have you been on the divorce forum? Seen the questions on Second Chances? They're much less innocent than this.

 

This is an innocent question from someone who was dumped this year. Why make him feel insecure for asking? I think it's wise of him to ask. And I don't see anything wrong with it, either. He was dumped, he was not the one who broke his engagement.

 

So why turn his question into a tactic to make him feel like he shouldn't need to ask?

 

Peace out / Graceful

[carhill]

OP, normally I would be square in the 'heal and wait' group; what has swayed me is two-fold:

First, you're a man of faith who was socialized into and believes in long term commitments. Apparently, at this juncture, the lady you're dating *and* her family are of similar faith and commitment. There is synergy. That said, you should meet her family (and vice-versa), if not already done. You both seem serious, so no reason not to.

 

Second: You've been quite open here about the process of your recovery from your betrothal ending and being 'dumped' with perhaps another man in the picture. That's rough. It does take time to heal. However, you are honest about the process and your dating partner is fully disclosed and currently remains at your side. This, to me, is a positive sign.

 

Back when I was separated, pending divorce, I asked the women of LS if they'd date me, theoretically. The overwhelming response was "NO", not because I'm some ogre (well I do have my days), but because of the process of healing from a marital breakup and its uncertainty. Too risky. In your case, we have a lady who is currently willing to shoulder a similar risk (your fiance dumping you and you potentially pining away for her) and stand by you. IMO, that has value and should not be ignored.

 

To me, this 'engaged' thing is a path; it shows what you want out of a relationship. You've said yourself that you do not yet know the future and that anything can happen. You're right. You (or the lady) may feel completely differently next week, three months from now or a year from now. As long as you're *both* willing to take the risk and accept all the potentials, I see no reason not to proceed on your path.

 

As disclosure, I was raised in the faith, educated in its schools, and performed in church. I left it behind after leaving secondary school; a choice I made. I understand the family commitment to the faith. My father was an excellent example of it.

 

Does anything I'm saying here align with talks you've had with your parents? Parents are a great resource in such matters. Free wisdom.

 

Oh, last question, as I didn't see obvious mention....your ages?

[Mack05]

Carhill look at his previous posts! He went from devastation from the ex to first date with his 'future wife', wait for it..2 days!!!Super u need help mate..More then anyone on this site can give u