SugarHoney Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I've been trying to stay friends with my ex, but its becoming more and more difficult for me as the evidence that he doesn't want me back mounts up. I don't know if I can take it much longer. I just love him so much and he doesn't love me anymore and its breaking my heart. I don't know what to do. Cut him out of my life I suppose, but I don't want to. The pain is unbearable. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep properly and I don't care about anything else but him and trying to get him to change his mind. But he won't change it. And all my false hope is draining away, leaving me with nothing but despair and a broken heart that is so incredibly painful words can not describe. Link to post Share on other sites
ken_25 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 I think being friends is possible in certain situations, but right now it's probably best to get away and start to heal yourself. The thought of that I'm sure kills, but it will be better for you to do that now and possibly be connected to him in some way down the road then go through this torture of trying to be connected at the present time. it seems it's just too soon for that right now, I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Kilty Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Sorry - but you have got to disconnect and have total no contact. Whilst this will help you it could also give him the chance to miss you - which is your only hope of getting him back as i dare say you have laid your heart out to him to try and reconcile and its done no good. So that means no texting him, no phoning him and no bumping into him at his usual haunts. The alternative is you lose your self respect and dignity and your ego takes a pounding and every time you make contact you end back at square 1 and undo the good you have done in the period of no contact. Give him some space and continue to post here x Link to post Share on other sites
patagonia Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 No contact is the only way to go. It will stop your emotions from being 'as' connected. It doesn't make any sense but it's really the only way to go. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedT Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 I wouldnt do it honey. I am struggling simply not talking to him, if we were trying to stay friends during the initial process, i think it would be just too much to handle. im trying NC again tomorrow, as I have broke it at every step of the way. hope you find what makes you happy and it obviously isn't him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SugarHoney Posted August 6, 2011 Author Share Posted August 6, 2011 Sorry - but you have got to disconnect and have total no contact. Whilst this will help you it could also give him the chance to miss you - which is your only hope of getting him back as i dare say you have laid your heart out to him to try and reconcile and its done no good. So that means no texting him, no phoning him and no bumping into him at his usual haunts. The alternative is you lose your self respect and dignity and your ego takes a pounding and every time you make contact you end back at square 1 and undo the good you have done in the period of no contact. Give him some space and continue to post here x Yes I know I need to stop talking to him, its just so sad that what we had is all at an end. Yes I did lay my heart out for him, and now I'm really regretting it. Its like I scared him away again. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 NC is the only way. It will take years for you to ever be friends with your ex again. It's almost not worth it. The only ex I am friends with is my Highschool GF. The rest do not matter, I have moved on, they have moved on. If you need that friendship, go find another friend that wont leave you like your ex did. Also do not regret anything you did in your relationship. Treat it as a learning experience based off the decisions you made in the relationship. If it was bad, just say oops wont do that again and move foward from there Link to post Share on other sites
Pelican Paw Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 I suggest that you text/email etc (not direct such as phone or face to face) him and just tell him that you need to break all contact with him for a while to sort yourself out so that you can heal properly from the breakup and you would appreciate it if he respects that and that you wish him well and when you are feeling in a better place maybe the two of you can meet up for coffee etc. That way you don't feel guilty for possibly treating him badly (cos face it you still care about him) and you are leaving the ball in your court and it may help you actually deal through your difficult emotions right now. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 You're trying to do what I tried and failed to do. It will never work whilst you still have such strong feelings for him. Basically it's a one sided relationship, with only one half of the couple having the emotional bond. Nothing worse than seeing someone you love and knowing they don't feel the same way. You need to step away right now before it gets worse, and it will get worse. You think it's bad now, wait until they get a new partner and you're still trying to be the friend - I've been there and that was something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I bet you're staying close in hope that by doing so he'll change his mind and come back - it will never happen. An ex has to miss us first, and that won't happen when we're constantly around. I stayed friends with my ex and realised that she was getting the best of both worlds - she didn't want a relationship but did want my friendship... and I gave her exactly what she wanted so she was happy, whereas I was dying inside. Tell them goodbye and mean it. I know that's hard but trust me it's a lot easier than the road your currently going down. Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 You have to go NC. Unfortunately I am not very good with advice of this sort, but listen to what the other posters have said. I hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
dylan797 Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 Ya, you need to cut ties. Give up all hope of getting back together. I know it's hard. my ex and I have been broken up for one month and it's gotten a lot easier not being in contact with her. I know what it's like. You check your phone constantly to see if they've texted you. It drives you crazy. But cut ties and you'll see...eventually it'll get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) Nothing worse than seeing someone you love and knowing they don't feel the same way. You need to step away right now before it gets worse, and it will get worse. You think it's bad now, wait until they get a new partner and you're still trying to be the friend - I've been there and that was something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. ditto for me on this. i too tried being friends with not only an ex but ex but the first guy i ever loved. it was an unbearable situation. we had started out as friends and i didn't want to lose that. but being friends with him reminded me of all the things i loved about him and when he started dating other women - - and telling me abt it, i couldn't deal. i went NC soon after. i won't sugar-coat it, it was not easy. there were lots of tear-filled nights - -especially during that first month. but as time went by (i'm at 5 months NC now) i realized it so much easier than being kept in limbo and allowing myself to have that false hope that he's going to come back and give me the chance i want. especially since he's made the decision to give that chance to someone else. Edited August 8, 2011 by radiodarcy Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It's been almost a year since my break up and I know in my heart that I could not be friends with my ex. Still even after a year. When I look at him, it reminds me of the way he betrayed me. I have nothing for him. It hurts alot to turn away from someone you love. But in order to protect your heart and your sanity, love yourself more and back out of this friendship now! Think about it for a moment. Does this friendship benefit you at all? Does it make you happy? If it does not, then you know what you have to. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
antinko Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 NC is the only way. It will take years for you to ever be friends with your ex again. It's almost not worth it. The only ex I am friends with is my Highschool GF. The rest do not matter, I have moved on, they have moved on. If you need that friendship, go find another friend that wont leave you like your ex did. Also do not regret anything you did in your relationship. Treat it as a learning experience based off the decisions you made in the relationship. If it was bad, just say oops wont do that again and move foward from there This. It's hard to follow and accept, but I know my ex can't be friends with me and likewise for me. I have too many emotions involved with them and, as much as I'd love to have back what we had, or even a good friendship, I know that my real feelings for them are turning quite negative and I no longer properly respect them. I wish I did, but I can't respect someone who didn't respect me when I gave them my best... It sucks, but yeh, just have to learn from it. Link to post Share on other sites
JHS Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 No contact is the only way to go. It will stop your emotions from being 'as' connected. It doesn't make any sense but it's really the only way to go. You can do it. I don't know if I agree. I had not contacted my ex for two months and texted her yesterday. I miss her like crazy. I didn't tell her that but I just wanted her to know that I couldn't believe how much I had fallen for her and I hoped she was well. I agonized over doing it and finally said screw it and sent it. She responded nicely. I will also admit that I had hoped that she would have offered to get back together (but didn't expect it). She didn't and I can deal with that too - probably better. But I was glad I sent her the text... But to the OP: Trying to stay friends on a regular basis is probably really bad for you. I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SugarHoney Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 I told my ex how much I still love him and that all this is breaking my heart etc, but he won't acknowledge how I feel, not really, won't commit one way all the other, although I get the impression that its over for good and that he never wants me back. Just wants to stay friends or be casual or something, but he's just being so evasive, cold and ignoring much of what I say and its breaking my heart so much. I hate how he can be so cold after all we've been through together I can't stop crying. I just feel so much despair in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepykitten Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Oh My God..do it go NC and dont break it, learn from me, i saw him 3 times after our split, we slept together even went to a concert together as i had tickets i had previously bought for his birthday-then i find out this weekend that all that time he was seeing someone else less than a few days after we split up and most probably before. So now i feel like a total idiot and am back to square one after over 2 months....sigh! and Head in hands! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 I've been trying to stay friends with my ex, but its becoming more and more difficult for me as the evidence that he doesn't want me back mounts up. I don't know if I can take it much longer. I just love him so much and he doesn't love me anymore and its breaking my heart. I don't know what to do. Cut him out of my life I suppose, but I don't want to. The pain is unbearable. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep properly and I don't care about anything else but him and trying to get him to change his mind. But he won't change it. And all my false hope is draining away, leaving me with nothing but despair and a broken heart that is so incredibly painful words can not describe. Why are you trying to remain friends with him???? Especially when you know you want to be more than friends. Friends talk to each other about potential dates, etc., and you don't want to hear that. If you attend the same parties you don't want to see your "friend" there with another girl do you? No, you have to cut all ties with him if you want to get over this. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Any shot you'd have at getting him back would be the result of moving on anyway SH. You have to get your life and your independence back. No man is going to be interested in someone who is easy to obtain and willing to "do anything to get him back." I'm not suggesting this is you, but if he knows that or suspects that about you, it's all over. Move on and if it is going to happen later, it happens. In the meantime see what else is out there. The road to recovery is to find something else in your life. I've been trying to stay friends with my ex, but its becoming more and more difficult for me as the evidence that he doesn't want me back mounts up. I don't know if I can take it much longer. I just love him so much and he doesn't love me anymore and its breaking my heart. I don't know what to do. Cut him out of my life I suppose, but I don't want to. The pain is unbearable. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep properly and I don't care about anything else but him and trying to get him to change his mind. But he won't change it. And all my false hope is draining away, leaving me with nothing but despair and a broken heart that is so incredibly painful words can not describe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SugarHoney Posted August 10, 2011 Author Share Posted August 10, 2011 Any shot you'd have at getting him back would be the result of moving on anyway SH. You have to get your life and your independence back. No man is going to be interested in someone who is easy to obtain and willing to "do anything to get him back." I'm not suggesting this is you, but if he knows that or suspects that about you, it's all over. Move on and if it is going to happen later, it happens. In the meantime see what else is out there. The road to recovery is to find something else in your life. Yeah I know your right. I saw him yesterday for probably the last time and he was very flirty with me, very touchy feely, hugging me a lot stroking my arm putting his forehead against mine etc.. telling me how much he missed me and suggesting we could do things together in the future.. so I was naturally very hopeful, but when I asked him if he wanted me to try and make it work. He said no. I think he just wants to be friends, but I told him its too painful right now, maybe in the future. So I sent him one last email explaining to him why I can't be friends with him right now, that its too painful and wishing him the best so hopefully he wont think badly of me. But having to do NC now and already missing him terribly and despairing so much from the heartache. I really don't think he ever wants me back. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 For my money if the guy is behaving that way SH (flirtatious and touchy for example), he's open to a possible FWB relationship without commitment or long term ties. That says a couple of things about him. He's moved past you but doesn't mind the idea of "hooking up" now and then "for old times sake" but it sounds to me like the deeper emotional attachment isn't there any longer. The fact that he cared enough about you however to say "no" when you asked about trying to make it work again says that he at least respects you not to want to hurt you badly. Yeah I know your right. I saw him yesterday for probably the last time and he was very flirty with me, very touchy feely, hugging me a lot stroking my arm putting his forehead against mine etc.. telling me how much he missed me and suggesting we could do things together in the future.. so I was naturally very hopeful, but when I asked him if he wanted me to try and make it work. He said no. I think he just wants to be friends, but I told him its too painful right now, maybe in the future. So I sent him one last email explaining to him why I can't be friends with him right now, that its too painful and wishing him the best so hopefully he wont think badly of me. But having to do NC now and already missing him terribly and despairing so much from the heartache. I really don't think he ever wants me back. Link to post Share on other sites
todd Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 There is no being friends with an ex until you are both completely over eachother. If you both arent on that level and one of you have underlying thgouhts of trying to get back together, it leaks in jealousy and mis-reads that can just make things worse. Get to a position where you are happy without him, then go and be his friend if you both still want that. Link to post Share on other sites
GymRat Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 Well it looks like everyone's already hit the nail on the head. It will, no doubt be unbearably painful, and you'll shed many a tear along the way. Just like everyone else, I felt the same way, and figured I'd do anything just to get back with her. Luckily, that phase only lasted a couple of days and I started reading these forums incredibly early and the advice was invaluable. No contact is the best way to go. I'll start by giving you false hope and tell you that by going no contact, you give yourself the best chance of reconciliation in the future. And I'm not doing this to just to give you false hope, the truth is, in a few month or so when you've really had time to heal, you most likely won't feel the same way about him. Honestly, in time, you will be better. As insane as that sounds right now, trust. Oh, and your hair looks great today! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SugarHoney Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 I wish I stop this despair. Its crippling me Link to post Share on other sites
piatch Posted August 11, 2011 Share Posted August 11, 2011 dear sugar honey Stay strong. I am living proof that friends with your ex does not work, on any level. My ex has had me like a fish dangling on a line for 18 months now. Wanting his cake and eating it coz I am at times too stupid to grow the necessary balls to walk away and end it. Im 32 in a few months and it pains me to think of the missed time and oppotunities that have passed me by because of some misguided loyalty I feel towards the man who has hurt me more than ever. You can do NC. You have to. For your own sanity, dont do what Ive done as it really just cuts deeper and gets you no where xxx Link to post Share on other sites
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