My ex said she never loved me. Could this be an excuse?

[wingman2]

For some of you users on here, you might remember me from a situation I had a little over a year ago with the same girl I'm having a problem with now. For those of you in disbelief of whether your ex will come back or not, keep your head up because last year me and her were broken up for 3 months and we got back together. Our relationship strengthened, we even agreed to get married again in the near future. We lasted another 9 months before things began to go downhill again. This time a whole other issue and completely different. There's no gaurentee that an ex will come back, but there's no gaurentee that they won't. It's all based on how strong the connection was and how things ended. This site has helped me a lot.

 

Me and my ex have been together for 5 years up until last may when we broke up partly due to her liking another guy and seeing him on the side without my knowledge but on her part she said I needed to make certain changes before she decides to settle with me.

 

It didn't affect me drastically because I've been hurt before and things were dying down between me and her but I was mad about the situation and told her to never talk to me again. I ignored her for a week while she continued to text and call me constantly. After about a week we talked and she seemed uncertain about what she wants but made it clear that I still need to make changes but also admitted that she still loved and cared about me and wants to leave the new guy for me.

 

She ended up not doing so, she was left uncertain about her decision so I left off by saying that nothing will happen if she doesn't take that step. Being frustrated I decided to move on and implemented NC for 3 weeks cause I didn't want to be her 2nd choice. 3 weeks later she contacts me but then as I text her back she begins to ignore me so I go back into NC for a week until she started to contact me like crazy.

 

I at first ignored her but then responded. She first asked how I've been, catching interest in my life, then she begins to get my attention to want to meet in person and have a conversation. I told her I'll talk on the phone with her sometime but not in person. I put her off for almost 2 weeks while she continued to nag me. I wasn't ready but last night we finally communicated.

 

What I thought was an attempt at trying to reconcile with me turned out to be just the opposite. She gave me the impression that she loves me and wants me back by telling me how she left the new guy because of her affectionate feelings for me and that she's been thinking of me constantly. In the end she only ended up telling me that she never loved me and that there's no chance we'll be together in the future. She explained how her affection wasn't connected to love because love is never ending and if affections fade then it's not love because love comes with all kinds of feelings and no matter what you always want to be with that person. So she believes that she only misses the way I made her feel but not me in general other wise she'd stay committed to me. She explained how her love was conditional for me and she believes only unconditional love to be true love. She believes that her love was selfish in that she was only seeking love back from me in order for her to feel good. I think she's completely delusional when it comes to romantic relationships and I'm currently writing her calling BS on her theory but what I'm confused about is why she felt the need to tell me this? She did tell me because she thought I had been waiting on her to come back but that wasn't the case, I was the dumper this time telling her not to ever talk to me again, if she truly feels this way, she can simply keep these feelings to herself but she felt the need to share them.

 

Me and her were madly in love, I still love her with all my heart and we planned on getting married in the near future plus I was her first relationship. Could she really have never loved me or is she trying to get a reaction out of me? Perhaps she's trying to cover up the truth which is that she has commitment issues but doesn't want to accept the truth? I would like to know from other's who have had bf's gf's who said they never loved them after the break up and what it really means and what to look for. Sorry for the long read, I'm just really confused about all of this.

 

Also I would like to get people's opinions on whether romantic relationships are based on conditional or unconditional love. I'm already writing an email to her explaining what conditional and unconditional love is and how romantic relationships are based on conditional love while unconditional is the type of love one has for their child, parent, dog, sibling, etc. I really don't know if she truly believes what she said or if there's another reason. I appreciate all the insight I can get.

[wilsonx]

This is why I do not believe in second chances.

 

I think you were your ex's security blanket/doormat. She could have been telling you the truth in the end how she really did not love you. The fact is she was using you from getting from point A to point B. The problem is with your ex, I do not think she has any idea what TRUE LOVE is.

 

This has nothing to do with you but her personality meshing really well with your personality. You just have to learn how to defend yourself from predators like her. I met a guy at the bar last night who still hasn't learned from the cheating of his first wife and is jumping right into a second marriage with the same type of girl.

 

My best advice to you is go NC. Do not email her anything, she wont care anyways so your just wasting emotional energy. You have to completely exit her life. You have to and move on.

 

Just for my own inquisitive information, what was your ex's parents like. We're they both in the picture for them? Was one missing and the other not there for her emotionally. If i had to guess, father wasn't in picture or wasn't around often and mother wasn't there for her emotionally.

Edited August 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[wingman2]

Damn right on the dot. Her father divorced her mom when she was young, at like 5 and she never got along very well with her mom who she lived with, she didn't live with her dad. How did you come to that guess?

[antinko]

Damn right on the dot. Her father divorced her mom when she was young, at like 5 and she never got along very well with her mom who she lived with, she didn't live with her dad. How did you come to that guess?

 

It wasn't a guess on Wilson's part. I'm unsure of the psychology behind it, but my ex was in the same situation.

 

It hurts, but move on for your sake. She probably doesn't even realise the hurt she's causing you. I know my ex didn't.

 

You'll find someone better suited to you, trust me or they'll find you.

[Ajax]

I know your're hurt, but I have to say that I find your ex's behavior amusing. She hounded and harrased you into breaking NC just so she could tell you why things won't work out. She's got some nerve!

 

I have a cousin whose girlfriend dumped him in a pretty brutal way, and then every day for two months called him to tell him they weren't getting back together. He was well aware of this and wasn't making an effort to, but she still felt the need to remind him of this fact every day.

 

I think it's an emotional power play. your ex needs to make sure she can still get an emotional response from you in some way. I think she also felt that since you were maintaining NC that you held the upper hand. By getting you to answer her call she was validated in that she got the last word.

 

All of this is utter selfishness on her part.

[wilsonx]

Wingman,

 

You have to go complete NC. Ignore everything emails, texts, facebook, phonecalls, friends, friends of friends. You have to block her and her mutual friends on facebook. Not delete but block under privacy settings. I know you still love her and have feelings for her, I still have feelings for my ex and I about 2 months NC but she will never be in my life again and you need to get to this point.

 

I am going to give you a little different advice that I have given other people. While you are NC, you need to become extremely self aware. You need to look for the red flags in your relationship. I assure you, they will appear and you will get a new one or two every day. I do not want you to dwell on it. I just want you to see it. Buy a journal and write it down. Do not feel guilty about it and bring yourself down. Just say oops that was a bad decision, it wont happen again. Do not do this for more then a couple weeks. Once you start seeing the pattern, the lies and the mirroring start moving on. This is you starting to build up your personal boundaries. I would also google building personal boundaries and start working on those based on what you want in life. If you do not have good personal boundaries, I assure you, this will happen to you again. Not the same exact relationship per se but you will deal with this again. Do you see how messed up this relationship has made you? I can assure you, I went through the same thing. I actually went through it twice. The first one slapped me in the face within 2 months and I walked and never looked back that night. This second one only lasted 18 months because I was ready to ****ing bail and she saw it.

 

As far as your ex goes, I can tell you she will never be happy with her own life. She uses guys as casts to hide the anger and hurt thats inside of her and probably will continue to do so for the rest of her life. It honestly does not matter anymore. You have to let her go and this is going to be extremely hard, I know, I can almost guarantee you and I have the same type of personality.

 

I have dated a lot and study peoples' patterns and my own biggest flaw is I was studying everyone elses but my own. Ooops. You live and you learn. That's how I knew about her family situation. I've watched it happen to 2 of my friends now in the past 3 weeks. I am not kidding. Same family upbringing. Red flag for the future. I can give you the psychology of father not in the picture but mother was loving and emotionally there for her too.

 

If anyone has any questions feel free to respond or send me a pm

[lalalandman]

This really doesn't have much to do with her insecurity. She's a girl and all she's doing is spewing a bunch of bullcrap. You just need to realize that nothing she is saying is making sense and it doesn't really matter because you want her, so just take her. They appreciate that. See this is the thing about girls. When she is telling you all this crap, she sees that it pains you and this to her is a big turn off. You just have to know what you want and see through her bs. Trust me, just go to her, tell her she's being an idiot, make out with her, give her your cock and everything will be fine. If she rejects this, then tell her to go whore it out with that other guy and stay the **** out of your life.

[wilsonx]

This really doesn't have much to do with her insecurity. She's a girl and all she's doing is spewing a bunch of bullcrap. You just need to realize that nothing she is saying is making sense and it doesn't really matter because you want her, so just take her. They appreciate that. See this is the thing about girls. When she is telling you all this crap, she sees that it pains you and this to her is a big turn off. You just have to know what you want and see through her bs. Trust me, just go to her, tell her she's being an idiot, make out with her, give her your cock and everything will be fine. If she rejects this, then tell her to go whore it out with that other guy and stay the **** out of your life.

 

I'm going to pull a homebrew here and say this is the dumbest post I have ever seen on LS in response to something so serious.

 

You are an idiot and I can see why you are single posting nonsense that you have no idea whats going on. Just for the record, the type of girls that do these things are 100% insecure with themselves. They have very little self identity to no self identity. What you are suggesting boils down to sexual assault all the way to rape. Have you ever looked in a mirror and realized what you did in your last relationship to make you post here on this website. I'm pretty sure with your attitude, you got exactly what you deserved

[lalalandman]

LOL^^^^^

 

Anyways, I would say just leave her be and let her come to you. My ex is manipulative. She would tell me she doesn't love me, then when she caught wind of another girl, she would tell me she loved me (this is during the breakup of course). See what I'm saying? It's utter nonsense. Really, it's complete BS. Wilson, sexual assault? Dude relax. You've taken it completely out of context. Sometimes a woman just wants you to take the power. You're misreading between the lines. I'm saying, put your confidence hat on, and just go for her. If she rejects you, then screw her. What is he supposed to do, sit around like a little puppy dog while she decides which cock she wants?

Edited August 7, 2011 by lalalandman

[LifeIsGreat]

All romantic love relationships are conditional...... whether we want to admit it or not. The 'condition' is this..... we stay in relationships that we are getting 'something' out of. There is nothing wrong with this. Why put the time/effort/work into a romantic relationship that doesn't is some way also fulfill you?

 

Your ex has her own issues, and I too have seen them before. Frankly, you would be wasting your time at this point.

[wingman2]

Hey everyone it's me again. Just got back from a long vacation which I really needed in order to help me through this situation. I apologize for never responding back in time Wilson. I hope that this thread is still active enough for communication.

 

So far I've been doing a good job maintaining NC since the night we talked except for one incidence where I drunk text her, simply asking if she ever got my email (it was one I had sent her a long time ago through this time capsule site and I had scheduled it to be received sometime this month or next) only out of curiosity however she responded by asking "who is this?" which really threw me off and confused me. My first thoughts were either she's playing with me pretending like she doesn't know me or there's someone else checking her phone. I got a bit irritated and began to text again telling her to not play games with me I was simply asking a question. This goes on for a while and she starts telling me that she deleted several numbers off her phone so I can be one of several people (I'm thinking another attempt to tear me down) finally however she realizes and acknowledges that it's me but not until I told her that she's dead to me. She told me that she had received that email and then later that night she texted again saying that if she's dead to me to just not bother trying to contact her. She didn't know I was drunk, don't know if she was able to tell or not but I really regret doing that.

 

I feel like I'm gonna be ok, I just want there to be a window of opportunity, as in always a chance in the future and not feel completely shut out, otherwise I just tend to project it on myself and feel as if I've done something completely wrong.

 

I think it's from reading articles and watching videos on break ups that's making me blame myself for this situation thinking had I just said nothing, showed her that I'm happy and fine without her and not care about anything she said or how she feels then maybe I would have looked a lot stronger than some guy who seems to get irritated easily by her showing that it's affecting me. What can I do she had me convinced that she still had feelings for me and wanted me back only to turn it around. She even asked how I've been at the start of the convo and since I've been doing a lot with my life she took that as my attempt at trying to lure her back which is not true and makes me mad that she would think that.

 

I agree with wilson whole heartily and I'll take your advice on discovering my personal boundaries. I'm happy there are other's who've been through these same types of situations and understand what I'm going through as well as understand the issues my ex is dealing with that contribute to her personality. Although I wish it hadn't been that way for her it adds a lot of clarity to the situation and I can see where the puzzle pieces fit together.

 

I believe she's just rationalizing and trying to come up with an excuse as to why she's behaving this way in order to escape from the reality of the situation and that is she has a problem but I think for her it's a whole lot easier to fool herself into believing she never loved me based on some inaccurate definition on what love is.

 

My problem now is, I just can't seem to find interest in dating other women. I've met several girls over the past 3 months, exchanged numbers and every so often I talk to them, went on some dates with a few of them however most of the time I just feel like not wanting to socialize with any of them, whether it be phone, date, text, I go out of my way to avoid it and most dates end after the first mainly cause I don't want to continue to pursue a relationship because they're just not interesting enough but I don't know why.

 

Many of them have just stopped talking to me all together because I've been slow in communication which makes me feel like I need to stay in touch as much as I can so I don't miss out on someone who can be potential but I don't seem to really put in enough effort to get anywhere.

 

I've heard that getting back into the dating scene after a break up can really help and of course there's the common rebound relationship however I just can't seem to do it, not because I'm not successful but because I just don't want to put my time into it and I'm not finding any interest. Is this a common issue that occurs with people after they have gone through a break up? I feel like I can move forward in life, I just can't pursue another relationship whether it be serious or not.