1 Year on and very little progress.... she on the otherhand...

[BrettLost]

Hello all,

 

Long time visitor here, many of our situations are alike and many of ur posts have helped me tremendously getting through it all. I thought why not join up and share (vent) my pain a little. I'l keep it factual.

 

Hooked up young- i was 21, she 17.

She got pregnant early (whoops), got married, followed up with another daughter.

I worked flat out to pay for life, she did the mum thing.

Nice lifestyle, solid paying job, 2 cars, nice house (rented), big tv all that ****.

Then.... general life set in. For me it was frustrting not having a 'partner' to help with finances, not much she wanted to do about it (part time even?)

THEN.. after 5 years married she has the "im not in love with u anymore" aka "i think a little break will be good for us" talk. Stupidly (like many of us did) i became panicked at the thought of my family coming undone, and became desparate and clingy.

She moves out, to an apartment with kids. I live alone.

INSERT MASSIVE PAIN HERE

Figured id start kickboxing to vent stress physically. Met the coach, nice guy, seemed genuine. Started getting very optimistic and healthy.

THEN i find out he had somehow met my ex n was 'training' her at her apartment personally. I quit immediately.

NOW they are an item, around my f*cking kids n ****. I still get the weekends with my kids, n they mention ****.

I realise this may be pale in comparison to other situations many of you face, but it fuc%ing hurts i tell ya.

 

Now, many pple here swear on NC. My problem is when u have 8yrs of memories in ur head, u cant NC that. Its been over a year since the initial break, n im no better off than i was then. Just one stab after another. The pain is so deep, that crying doesnt do it any justice, i understand how pple could tie a knot over it, just to get it away. I did however buy a new hilux and my own kick bag n gloves...(love my ufc).

 

Romantically im not even interested in getting back out there yet. Im still stuck in dad/husband mode, not single dad mode. Fear? Yes, of being torn to shreds again. All i can do is work hard, n enjoy the precious little time i have with my daughters as a dad.

 

I have no idea why she left me and split up a family (greener grass crap), and I genuinely want her to be happy, however there is nothing in the way of support i get from her. I'd think after being married to someone, even if it went sour, ud help each other move on to the next phase.

 

PS. Is this **** learned from their own childhood family experiences??

PPS. Sorry for the length, but it feels good to rid of it and be a part of the circle of hope.

 

Thank u to anyone/everyone here who can throw their 5c or 50c into this.

[dreamingoftigers]

EMDR therapy helps with the pain and trauma.

[BrettLost]

WOW, that was quick!! Thank u, but what is EMDR? I am in counselling but it kinda goes in circles, ends with "U are really the only one that can help yourself"..

[Deroy]

I thought about what I could say too help you and can only say a few things that I hope help .You are definatley in the griving stage of your life .If you dont find a way too move on you will become a very,very , bitter person if that isnt already a transfixed part of your life now .It appears that your ex didnt care to at least try too give your marriage a chance and has jumped too this other guy for satisfaction in her life .Focus on you .Right now its al about you becoming well as a person because nothing else in life will matter if your not well and you may put on a mask for the kids but the hurt will be always just under the surface.i hope that you have clear visitation rights put in writting and that you are ablle too spend as much time as possible in your kids life other than your healling its critical that you spend time in thier life.

[BrettLost]

Thank u Deroy.

 

I never thoght by joining here n posting my story after reading SOOOOOO many other posts of loss, that id be getting encouragement and faith from the very pple whose own stories have inspired me to "kick on with it".

 

Id love 50/50 time with my daughters, but my work hours simply dont allow it to function with their school n ****. The only good i can view on my situation is that my ex gets the mundane type stuff- wake up, breakfast, school/kindy...home, shower, dinner, sleep, repeat. Im sure there are good times there too (they unintentionally spill information INSERT PAIN HERE) but i get the free time with them.

 

My biggest hurdle is socially. I had all my eggs in the family basket. I gave up everything i had as an individual to focus soley on my family's future. Now the basket has been emptied, I am having to start again.

 

The kickboxing was great, made new friends (cept for him), and actually connected with an old mate. But I cant show my face there now, to look in his eyes now will only open my slow healing wound.

 

So apart from that, socially I havent done much at all. I am completely aware that in order to find someone new, I eventually will have to get 'out there' n get amongst it.

 

Thank u again. Still seems unbelieveable to me that u could MARRY someone, n choose later to 'undo' that decision. For me it was to the death. Sometimes (on the bad days) it feels as though it was all a plan of hers. She knew i was a provider, got the best of it, then bailed. She walked away with our kids, the family car, new tits n now a weekly f*cking allowance from me.

 

I personally believe if u leave a marriage with no serious provication involved ie. abuse (physical or mental) or infidelity of any sort- u should get NOTHING!! Man or woman. U walk out, u walk out on ur own with what u have. The real hurt is the shattered trust and the skewed view towards the morals u held as sacred.

 

Thanks again to anybody throwing their opinion in.

[WTRanger]

What age did you marry her? See, the thing is, she and you to some extent married very young. She never got to experience her single 20's and now it sounds like she's making up for it.

 

Things change, people change, and people can fall out of love. You simply can't expect someone to stay in an unhappy marriage just because you are in it to the death. That's selfish. Yeah, it's a really crappy situation but it happened so there's no use living in the painful past.

 

To start helping yourself heal, you have to stop with the "I did everything for her and now I've got jack" role. The more you think that way the more angry you get and the more you keep yourself in the rut.

 

What you are hearing in counseling is right. Only you can get yourself out of this. People can tell you what to do, give you advice and share stories. But only you can actually pull yourself out of this.

[BrettLost]

Thanks WTRanger,

 

U are right. The age factor is a major player. Just very difficult when so much of u was invested into it. It really comes across like a built in plan for success in women, is to marry, divorce, n take the lot. I didnt actually lose all that much financially, but this greener grass scenario is killing honest hard working guys who do their best for their blood.

Some pple take family value lighty, others see it as a sacred unbreakable bond. She can move on and do whatever, i will always feel that bond with her, she however wants to replace it.

My only real fear is that my kids still come first in HER new selfish life. When i have them they are priority cos theyre all i have left of the world she left.

 

I sometimes think f&ck, its been a year, i should be done with it. But i held the 'family' value on such a pedastal, that its demise is my continual undoing.

 

Thank u for ur contribution.

[AlanN]

I was in a similar situation 5 1/2 years ago. My ex-wife (married then) got involved with a customer in a store that we owned together but that I didn't work in on a daily basis - I have another job but helped out when I was off. Long story short she ended up leaving me for him and moved out 6 months after I found out she was cheating on me. I refused to leave the house that I was in so she bought a house a few minutes away and left with our two kids and moved him in with them. I knew this guy because he was a friend of ours and was at our house for Thanksgiving & Christmas just 2 months earlier. As you can imagine I was shocked and felt like the crap on the bottom of the toilet. My ego and self-esteem were really bad. After almost 2 weeks of feeling like I did something wrong I decided to start going out (i have always had a large circle of great friends) because I realized that I did nothing so bad that would give her the right to cheat and leave me. I met a lot of girls and began dating and going on dates 2 months after we split. Every girl I met and went on dates with knew the story and also knew I wasn't lookng for anything serious - just to hang out and enjoy the time. I started to lose a little weight, workout, and began to focus on ME and my kids. I had to still deal with her because of the kids but kept the conversations to a minimum.

 

She had the Grass Is Greener Syndrome too because she asked me to go back with her while we were in the middle of the divorce, realizing she screwed up big time. I obviously said NO F****N WAY, see you in court!

 

Her relationship with the other guy went nowhere and although she still sees him occasionaly (he moved out about 2 years into the relationship), there's really nothing there anymore. I now get along with her fairly well and have let it go because I have plenty of other issues to worry about than being mad at her. I didn't forgive her, I just accepted it as part of my life. My analogy was that "she's HIS problem now, let him deal with her crap!" I know the part of him being around your kids sucks big time. You need to do what I did and let him know that he is not their father and they will never call him dad. Let your soon to be ex know that too.

 

Being single after that really was a blessing for me. I met a great girl I was with for 3 1/2 years and we only recently split up because she probably wants kids and more than likely don't. If not for that we would still be together.

 

I feel your pain and wish you the best, You need to stay strong and not let her get the best of you.

 

Good Luck..

[mr.goodguy]

Hey Brett...sorry to hear of your situation, man. I can only imagine the ***** you have to deal with. Unfortunately the laws favour women when it comes to children...

 

Thanks WTRanger,

 

U are right. The age factor is a major player. Just very difficult when so much of u was invested into it. It really comes across like a built in plan for success in women, is to marry, divorce, n take the lot. I didnt actually lose all that much financially, but this greener grass scenario is killing honest hard working guys who do their best for their blood.

Some pple take family value lighty, others see it as a sacred unbreakable bond. She can move on and do whatever, i will always feel that bond with her, she however wants to replace it.

My only real fear is that my kids still come first in HER new selfish life. To be honest, the kids should come first to each of you. Your time with them should be of extreme quality as the quantity of time isnt there. Treat them like they are your world as they deserve to be. I dont want to sound like you are using your kids as pawns, but the only result of them having a great time with you, is them telling your ex how great you are. That will eat away at her! When i have them they are priority cos theyre all i have left of the world she left. You need to flip this mentality around...when she left, that world was instantly destroyed. Your world now is to focus on your life, your future and your kids. Join a sport team, make friends, advance your life as you see it inside (we all have a vision). Easier said than done, but this world is only as complex as we make it. Think simple and execute well, my friend.

 

I sometimes think f&ck, its been a year, i should be done with it. But i held the 'family' value on such a pedastal, that its demise is my continual undoing.

 

Thank u for ur contribution.

[BrettLost]

Wow.. Im actually in tears as i write this due to another post i just wrote.... these replies remind me to chin up and push on.

 

Thank u Mr.Goodguy and AlanN!! So inspirational to know its just some **** that some people get handed.

 

She is not even remotely close to being the person i married, maybe due to age again, maturing? Dont know. I do know that if this wears off n she wants back with me, im wayyyy too burnt to ever look at her the same.

 

The post i just wrote related to her just informing me here and there about how great its goin for her new life with him. Could be a cover-up, for all i know.

 

Am i stupid for still wanting her to be happy in her life, because in no way does she encourage me through any of this. Or should she hopefully rot within the mess she has selfishly created?

[mr.goodguy]

Wow.. Im actually in tears as i write this due to another post i just wrote.... these replies remind me to chin up and push on.

 

Thank u Mr.Goodguy and AlanN!! So inspirational to know its just some **** that some people get handed.

 

She is not even remotely close to being the person i married, maybe due to age again, maturing? Dont know. I do know that if this wears off n she wants back with me, im wayyyy too burnt to ever look at her the same.

 

The post i just wrote related to her just informing me here and there about how great its goin for her new life with him. Could be a cover-up, for all i know. haha...usually when people need to state something like this, it is a lie. Someone truly happy wouldnt need to say this. It is meant to get at you...which is pathetic. DONT LET IT...a trick I used when I was down over a 'girl' was to go outside (clear your mind of all thoughts) and just listen to the wind, notice how beautiful THIS day sounds? Look at the trees, notice how vibrant their colours are when you actually pay attention to them? Calm yourself. Today can be a great day if you look at it correctly (easier said than done but it worked for me). Yes you have two kids, and one day when they are older they will look at you and say you were the greatest father. That is true success.

 

Am i stupid for still wanting her to be happy in her life, because in no way does she encourage me through any of this. Or should she hopefully rot within the mess she has selfishly created?

 

I think it is ok to want her to be happy in life...BUT you can't let yourself drown in that statement. Whether she encourages you or not, doesn't matter. I want all my exes to be happy with the choices they have and will make in life as they are the ones that have to live with the consequences, but my own happiness shall surpass their or anyone elses. I can only control myself, and I will never leave my happiness in someone elses hands. NEVER. This is learned from being burned. Have that desire to better yourself for you. Right now. Yes...chin up.

[BrettLost]

Cheers Mr.Goodguy.

 

Its so refreshing when other men can help u out with this ****. I have trust issues with other dudes in general, from mates burning me in my past, n now with this boxing coach dude, so its very reassuring that nice mates do exist. Sounds a lil weird but like with this relationship, once u get burned, by a guy or gal, i am fully aware not to let it happen again. I am pretty sure it has cost me alot of potential friendships due to my closed off nature when people get a lil too interested in who u are.

 

I gotta somehow let it go and begin to let pple in again.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

Brett,

 

I am really sorry. All I can say is that you have my full support and that my heart goes out to you. Just know that a stranger from loveshack is sending you sisterly love and support that you need at this bleak hour. Surround yourself with boundless love even if from unknown sources. The shining light of love that is selfless and comes from the spirit of nature and goodness can heal a soul.

 

DP

[BrettLost]

Ddeepprreesseedd,

 

WOW! Thank u soooooooo much for the kindest of words. It is totally amazing that through shear pain of losing our loved ones, we can unite as a group with infinite common knowledge and help to heal others we barely know.

 

Definately, this site embodies the TRUE human spirit and kindness that that world itself sadly lacks.

[reimeivn]

I just want to tell you not all girls are like that. You just need to take some time of, maybe change a few little things in your life that you used to share with the ex, so that the right one can walk into your life. Agree that it is the age that makes the differences, but once you have kids, you cant say your not mature enough to settle down and think for the kids you know?

 

Me whenever I get so hurt, I tell myself that I cant see a future with the ex anyways. SO it is for ME, that we broke up. And it is also for ME that he dumped me, so I dont get any ideas that we should be back together or regret my decision. I really dont.

[AlanN]

 

Am i stupid for still wanting her to be happy in her life, because in no way does she encourage me through any of this. Or should she hopefully rot within the mess she has selfishly created?

 

 

You're not stupid for wanting her to be happy; you're humble! She's the mother of your kids so no matter what happens that will never change. If she's anything like my ex-wife she'll get past being heartless.. Believe it or not, she actually gave me some words of encourgement about my recent breakup, telling me to do what best for and that she supports me. A complete 180 degree turn from years ago. Believe me, there's still hope.

 

Hang tough and be the best father you can be...

[BrettLost]

Thanks everyone,

 

Unreal AlanN to think she could ever flip round, have compassion and actually feel for my side of things. Did this only occur after u became involved in another relationship??

[AlanN]

Thanks everyone,

 

Unreal AlanN to think she could ever flip round, have compassion and actually feel for my side of things. Did this only occur after u became involved in another relationship??

 

 

It took a while for her to change. It was only a few months ago I guess. I never talked about my relationship to her and never brought my gf around her. I kept her away since I didnt know ow she would react. I met my now ex-gf in the store that my ex-wife and I owned together (prior to divorce). She wasn't happy when she found out that the girl I was in love with, actually came in looking for work. I guess it was karma since she met her now on/off bf there too! There's alot more to this story but this is just the very basics..

[BrettLost]

Ooo interesting.

 

I guess im just wondering whether the ex only sees what she's left when its in the company of another woman....

 

Kinda like how hooked up guys get easier attention than actual single ones do, makes me think i should find a girl friend to "act" like im with her so some other hot girl can think shes stealing me off of her. I think thats how they play these games.

Like even a real fat guy with a hot chick on his arm would get approached i reckon.... then again, what the f do i know.

[BrettLost]

Ooo interesting.

 

I guess im just wondering whether the ex only sees what she's left when its in the company of another woman....

 

Kinda like how hooked up guys get easier attention than actual single ones do, makes me think i should find a girl friend to "act" like im with her so some other hot girl can think shes stealing me off of her. I think thats how they play these games.

Like even a real fat guy with a hot chick on his arm would get approached i reckon.... then again, what the f do i know.

[BrettLost]

Ooo interesting.

 

I guess im just wondering whether the ex only sees what she's left when its in the company of another woman....

 

Kinda like how hooked up guys get easier attention than actual single ones do, makes me think i should find a girl friend to "act" like im with her so some other hot girl can think shes stealing me off of her. I think thats how they play these games.

Like even a real fat guy with a hot chick on his arm would get approached i reckon.... then again, what the f do i know.