Thinking about calling it off

[CeeJ]

I'm probably being silly, or stubborn or overreacting. I might just be upset about one thing and making it a larger issue. I don't know. I need help working out how I feel about this, but don't want to talk to my friends at this point.

 

Basically, my fiance's mom is manipulative, and has tricked everyone into thinking she's a saint, and they refuse to see her for what she is. So there's really two things going on: 1. she is rude to me, and just in general does things that piss me off and 2. I don't get any support from my fiance on this, and I can't talk to anyone else about it either because they think I must be acting like a drama queen or misinterpreting things.

 

I'm afraid if I tried to give a couple examples of specific things she has done or said I would just go off until I hit the character limit for a post and no one would read this. So if you want examples, feel free to ask.

 

My questions are:

 

Is this a really silly reason to consider calling off the wedding and ending my relationship with my fiance?

 

If I don't, how do I deal with this woman? At the advice of my future BIL I have tried being manipulative right back in order to get what I want, but I'm not very good at it, as I am very direct and expect the same of others. Trying to be manipulative probably makes me feel even worse about the situation.

[CeeJ]

I just got together with a couple of my friends and talked to them about how much of a bitch my fiance's mother is. Made me feel a little better to be able to complain about it, but didn't mention just how seriously this bugs me.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think you are being very mature about this.

 

In fact, the relationship between a man and his mother (or a woman and hers, for that matter) can seriously and negatively impact a marriage.

 

But, you knew this woman, and that your fiance would not defend you to his mother when you became engaged.

 

So, why did you get engaged, only to now consider calling off the wedding and cutting ties with the person you recently intended to cleave unto for the rest of your existence? Were you just in a romantic brain fog, or hypnotized by a sparkly gem when you got engaged, or were you thinking?

 

If your relationship with your fiance is basically weak, then NO reason is too silly to put the brakes on before making a big mistake - getting married.

 

If your relationship is strong, then the two of you need to deal with your issues with his mother - TOGETHER.

 

Pre marital counseling.

 

The mother is not going away, ever, (until she croaks, hopefully not at your hand) and the dynamic of bad mother in law behavior / angry and resentful wife / avoidant, pickle in the middle husband will NOT bode well for a successful marriage.

[CeeJ]

The mother is not going away, ever, (until she croaks, hopefully not at your hand) and the dynamic of bad mother in law behavior / angry and resentful wife / avoidant, pickle in the middle husband will NOT bode well for a successful marriage.

 

I agree, which is why I am looking for help, advice, opinions, other people's experiences, etc.

 

BTW his mother didn't start acting like a **** until we got engaged; thanks for pointing out that this evidently needed to be clarified.

[TheFinalWord]

I agree, which is why I am looking for help, advice, opinions, other people's experiences, etc.

 

BTW his mother didn't start acting like a **** until we got engaged; thanks for pointing out that this evidently needed to be clarified.

 

I was recently in a similar situation. I agree with Mme. Chaucer; if the relationship is strong (i.e. the man is independent and not a mama's boy) then try to work it out. If not, I would stop and really consider if this is something you want to deal with the rest of your life.

 

I opted to get out.

 

Was there a particular issue that started all of this or is it just her personality to be controlling and manipulating? If it is in her personality there will be evidence such as family discord. If it is just a misunderstanding or a particular incident you will be able to work it out. If it is her personality you are in for some serious life hassles. Either way, if you are considering calling it off you need to bring it up to your finance IMHO.

Edited August 9, 2011 by TheFinalWord

[CeeJ]

I was recently in a similar situation. I agree with Mme. Chaucer; if the relationship is strong (i.e. the man is independent and not a mama's boy) then try to work it out. If not, I would stop and really consider if this is something you want to deal with the rest of your life.

 

I opted to get out.

 

Was there a particular issue that started all of this or is it just her personality to be controlling and manipulating? If it is in her personality there will be evidence such as family discord. If it is just a misunderstanding or a particular incident you will be able to work it out. If it is her personality you are in for some serious life hassles. Either way, if you are considering calling it off you need to bring it up to your finance IMHO.

I think you're right about your last point, but I was really having a hard time deciding if I was really going to consider it, or if I was just at 90 headed toward 100, and would feel differently once I had some distance from the situation.

 

Looking back, the only clue that there might be a problem was one time my bf was complaining that his mom had called him ~ to the best I recall she was guilt-tripping him about how he doesn't come over enough, even though he had seen her 2 or 3 days prior. I don't recall what I said, but I commented on her behavior, and he got mad at me, and became defensive. At the time I was slightly annoyed, but could understand why someone wouldn't like to hear someone else saying something negative about their mother.

 

That was probably almost a year ago.

 

Now we are engaged, and just recently his mother was blatantly rude to me and completely out of line. I didn't say it to her face, but just to my fiance said "Wow your mom was just really rude to me, and I'm pretty annoyed. What's up her butt." And he did not support me at all, which of course put me from annoyed to really angry about the whole thing. I'm almost positive that someone else said something to her about her behavior, because even though we were in a situation for the same thing to happen again (many times), she left us alone.

 

But, after that incident, she went on nonstop about breast feeding my fiance when he was a baby (he is mid-30s), and kept referring to him as her little baby (CRAZY), and took every single possible opportunity to put herself physically in between us, not let us be alone, and if he was off talking to me, every single time she made it a point to call him over because she needed "help".

[TheFinalWord]

I think you're right about your last point, but I was really having a hard time deciding if I was really going to consider it, or if I was just at 90 headed toward 100, and would feel differently once I had some distance from the situation.

 

Looking back, the only clue that there might be a problem was one time my bf was complaining that his mom had called him ~ to the best I recall she was guilt-tripping him about how he doesn't come over enough, even though he had seen her 2 or 3 days prior. I don't recall what I said, but I commented on her behavior, and he got mad at me, and became defensive. At the time I was slightly annoyed, but could understand why someone wouldn't like to hear someone else saying something negative about their mother.

 

That was probably almost a year ago.

 

Now we are engaged, and just recently his mother was blatantly rude to me and completely out of line. I didn't say it to her face, but just to my fiance said "Wow your mom was just really rude to me, and I'm pretty annoyed. What's up her butt." And he did not support me at all, which of course put me from annoyed to really angry about the whole thing. I'm almost positive that someone else said something to her about her behavior, because even though we were in a situation for the same thing to happen again (many times), she left us alone.

 

But, after that incident, she went on nonstop about breast feeding my fiance when he was a baby (he is mid-30s), and kept referring to him as her little baby (CRAZY), and took every single possible opportunity to put herself physically in between us, not let us be alone, and if he was off talking to me, every single time she made it a point to call him over because she needed "help".

 

LOL! I'm not laughing at you, but just her calling your BF her little baby. If my mom (I'm in my 30s) said I was her little baby to by GF I would be super embarrassed and have a chat with her later. But my mom would never do that.

 

As the saying goes "leave and cleave". When a man takes a wife it is time for the man to leave his mother and start his own family. Hopefully he is mentally ready for that. I'm sure you know if he is or not. About him not supporting you, he is probably conflicted b/c he just wants to keep the peace. Do you think he said something to her? It sounds like he may have, but he didn't want to tell you about it.

 

Is the future mother-in-law someone that will be around all of the time? Is this her first child to get married off? It may just be empty nest syndrome or a bit of jealousy.

 

You may want to call her and see if you two can go out to lunch to talk. Clear the air and see if you can reconcile. If not, it may indicate you are in for a life long hassle. If she is just upset about an incident you will be able to work it out. At least then you'll have your answer.

[CeeJ]

LOL! I'm not laughing at you, but just her calling your BF her little baby. If my mom (I'm in my 30s) said I was her little baby to by GF I would be super embarrassed and have a chat with her later. But my mom would never do that.

I suspect maybe they were trying to pretend that she wasn't being weird...what she was doing was hard to miss...you would have to be pretty self-absorbed or flakey to not pick up on it...but later on when I said something to my fiance (that it's very difficult for me to be around his mother when she is infantilizing him) and used that as an example he laughed and said "oh really? I didn't notice that." And another time, after his mother spent the entire day raising her voice and snapping at me over nothing I said to him that his mom seemed really angry about something, was she OK and his sister jumped in with a blank stare and a "huh? No, she's fine."

 

As the saying goes "leave and cleave". When a man takes a wife it is time for the man to leave his mother and start his own family. Hopefully he is mentally ready for that. I'm sure you know if he is or not. About him not supporting you, he is probably conflicted b/c he just wants to keep the peace. Do you think he said something to her? It sounds like he may have, but he didn't want to tell you about it.

He is definitely conflict avoidant in most cases, but rather than just not validating me, he went the extra step and defended his mother and told me I was the problem (for being negative). If anyone said something to her, I'm sure that it was another lady, who is a friend of his mother's, who is always telling her to butt out/chill out, and basically to be a normal parent of an adult.

 

Is the future mother-in-law someone that will be around all of the time? Is this her first child to get married off? It may just be empty nest syndrome or a bit of jealousy.

She only lives about 20 miles away...fortunately there is a highway between us and her and she won't drive on the highway....and no, it's not her first child to marry, but her first boy to marry. I could see jealousy, but he hasn't lived at home in nearly 20 years, so she needs to get the eff over the empty nest thing if that's her issue, and get a hobby. Or a pet maybe. Although even jealousy is weird, in my little worldview - I am not her competition. She should focus on her HUSBAND, not mine. If I had an adult child and my spouse was competing with her bf or husband for her attention while completely ignore me I would not be happy or think that was normal. The whole point of being a parent (IMO) is to raise them to be independent, happy adults who are capable of leading their own lives and creating their own families.

 

You may want to call her and see if you two can go out to lunch to talk. Clear the air and see if you can reconcile. If not, it may indicate you are in for a life long hassle. If she is just upset about an incident you will be able to work it out. At least then you'll have your answer.

Normally I would think this is good advice, but she is very passive aggressive, and manipulative, and I don't think this would work with her. This would be my normal course of action, but the fact that she is like this is actually what prompted my FBIL to suggest being more manipulative with her, because it's the only thing that works.

 

For right now the course of action I'm taking is:

1. Told fiance I will never again be put in the situation I was in that sparked all this animosity

2. Severely limiting the amount of interaction I have with her for the time being. I used to go out of my way to be nice to her (send her email updates of our wedding plans, ask her to the movies, etc.), but I'm tired of everyone acting like I need to impress her while completely ignoring all her rude/bad behavior. So, just the minimal, polite stuff for right now.

Edited August 11, 2011 by CeeJ

[janiesuper]

CeeJ

 

You are not being silly at all. While I don't think it really matters what his mother thinks of you, what matters most is that your husband needs to take your side no matter what, including issues with his own mother. If hes going to commit he needs to give you all of himself and all of his support. If he loves you and wants you to have a good life, he will do that. Otherwise your life could become hell and if hes not there to back you up, what kind of life and what kind of husband is that?

 

His mothers responsibility is to make sure he has a happy marriage. By becoming your enemy shes only standing in between you two.

 

Your husbands responsibility is to be sure you have a happy life, if he cannot back you up, you won't.

 

Unless those two things happen, you do not have a complete marriage.

[SydneyWilson]

He called off the wedding and left you hanging. Now what? What do you need to do now? That all depends on how you feel. If there is still love for him, then you have to decide if you want to continue to pursue this relationship, or if you want this sudden roadblock to lead to a permanent rift between the two of you.

First thing you want is for the guy to answer for himself why he called off the wedding. Not only this, but you need answers to the questions that surround this event. There is obviously more here than meets the eye, and if you want to get things back on track, then you need all of these questions answered, and soon.

Here's the thing. Just because he called off the wedding does not mean that he is against the whole marriage thing. Men are panicky by nature when it comes to weddings. Maybe it is a control thing. Maybe he is checking out a size nine pair of cold feet. What guy, right before the big moment at the altar, hasn't called the thing off for one reason or another that has nothing to do with her? Or at least thought about calling it off. It could mean that he just wants to take a step back, breathe a little, then proceed a bit more slowly than the two of you have up to this point. This is an okay thing.

Calling off the wedding is one thing. Calling it off and leaving the relationship is another thing. The two are not bred from the same thoughts. You need to consider this in your situation. You need to differentiate between a temporary commitment attack, and a permanent claustrophobic in a relationship attack. Does he need to just get his bearings, or is he scanning the horizon looking for a quick exit out of Dodge?

After getting some answers, and going through the situation with him, the next obvious step is to give him a little breathing room, a little time to wrap his head around his thoughts of marriage, commitment and you. So, during the days that follow the called off wedding, you are not going to be glued to the telephone, or trying to text him every hour, wanting to see him. This will only backfire on you and send him further away, possibly for good. So, take it easy on the poor guy and give him time to think.

Edited August 23, 2011 by SydneyWilson