It's about time I got this off my chest

[Dodecacore]

I apologize in advance for the wall of text.. but I gotta get this out, and it's a long story. I'm a fOW in a relationship with Lee, a guy I've been hung up on since 2006. I don't know if I've ever been able to tell the complete story to anyone, and even if nobody reads it, I'll feel better with it out of my system. So here goes.

 

Late 2006, I was on the tail end of a decision to turn my life around. Over that year, I'd used travel as a catalyst to make a ton of positive changes in my life, & was able to overcome major social anxiety and PTSD related to childhood trauma. In pursuit of an old online friend with a mutual crush, I stayed with some friends near where he lived for a couple of months. It didn't work out, but I met someone special while I was there.

 

The guy who trained me at one of my temp jobs was a few years older than me, living with his folks and preparing to go back to school and upgrade his associate's to a bachelor's. Our chemistry was instantaneous. Even though I was still "trying" to make things work with my old crush, my heart fell the moment he awkwardly inserted a mention of his girlfriend into our lighthearted flirting. I was hooked right away: every time we saw each other at work, we spent as much of the shift possible finding things to do together, while outside work, we'd talk on IM until 5 in the morning.

 

Our conversations quickly turned to sex. We RPed at length. He told me that if I were single, he'd be trying to assassinate my relationship and take me for himself. His girlfriend of two years became an afterthought.

 

But the most we touched was his leg brushing against mine and driving me crazy while we edited his writing in the coffee shop together, or the hug he gave me when he was too embarrassed that our coworkers were trying to goad him into giving me a new year's kiss.

 

I was too embarrassed to ask for his phone number (we only had each other's IM screennames at the time), and he went incommunicado for the week before I left town to go pursue school in my home state. It was a sudden decision. I was in emotional turmoil because he wouldn't leave his girlfriend for me. I figured the best thing to do was separate myself, try to move on, and it'd be better to throw myself into my education than mope, right?

 

Besides. It couldn't mean much in the long run. He was just some insignificant crush I developed while I was traveling, I reasoned, shoving my feelings very forcibly into a tiny little box underneath my educational ambitions.

 

Next I heard from him wasn't long after. He was shocked that I'd moved away. He had broken up with her. Even if I'd moved away, he loved me and wanted to do whatever it took to make something, anything work. He knew from our previous conversations that I didn't ever want to try a LDR again, but he had to try, he said. It was everything I wish he'd said before I left and then some.

 

And I was furious. I'd finally started to move on, had some casual attachments that meant nothing but fun, and loved being back in school now that I'd gotten rid of that pesky anxiety disorder. I loved him, and I knew it, and it wasn't fair of him to come out of nowhere trying to fix the mistake of not getting together when it'd interfere with the rest of my life. I was halfway across the country, FFS!

 

So I let him down as gently as I could, as much as I hated with every fiber of my being to do that. I told him he had bad timing. I hated myself for it.

 

By the time I realized what a mistake I'd made, he'd gone from reactively doing the same kind of casual fun dating that I'd done, to giving in to a girl, Carla, who was pushing hard for exclusivity. She went to great lengths to steal him from any other girls he was seeing at the time, even enlisting the help of his best friend to convince him she was the only one of his flings that was worth keeping around.

 

I was sure it wouldn't last. From time to time, I'd ask him, you still with that girl? It killed me that the answer was always yes, but I couldn't bring myself to try ANY kind of pursuit while he was with her. We'd skirt around the issue of our attraction to each other.

 

After a while, I settled into a really horrible and dysfunctional relationship with an emotionally abusive man who spoiled me. I knew it was going nowhere. Guy was bat****. But the sex and his cooking were good - that's my only excuse, aside from the answer to that damned question.

 

"You still with that girl?" "Yeah."

 

And then we'd move on to other topics.

 

Later, in 2008, I found myself in a whirlwind relationship with another guy, Roy. I sincerely thought I was finally moving on. I ended up engaged to Roy, though without any pretense of actively planning a wedding.

 

The very day I announced the news, Lee kind of freaked out. It was out of nowhere.. we'd been avoiding the topic altogether since a blowup about how I couldn't deal with him mentioning the girlfriend. This time, he told me that he couldn't stand seeing me commit to another man, that he loved me, that he couldn't live without me, that he cared about Carla as a friend, but he could NEVER marry her and didn't really respect her. He told me that at the word from me, he'd drop everything to be with me.

 

I was drunk as hell when we talked (it was the middle of my damn engagement beach party, and my fiance was sitting right next to me!) and later told him that I wasn't sure who I was talking to. That was a lie. I couldn't believe that it'd take something like me FINALLY being happy with someone else for him to suddenly decide to stop avoiding the topic of our feelings for each other. And I was even more infuriated that he'd put all the pressure on me. He wanted me to destroy a relationship that I genuinely thought could end in marriage just to give him the word to drop a relationship of convenience.

 

Our friendship was rough for a while after that. He told me that he'd confessed emotionally cheating and Carla was spineless enough to forgive him immediately with no questions asked. His words. He didn't respect her at all anymore, he said. But he stayed with her, making some excuses about the status quo, the circle of friends they shared, being stuck in a lease.

 

Roy ended up breaking some major promises, and I ended the engagement a year after it started. The answer to the question was still the same. Lee was still with Carla. I had a pleasant rebound with a friend, worked out some tension, and kept trying to move on. Lee and I worked out our issues as friends again and went back to the creative collaboration that we'd been doing since we met.

 

So it was black friday 2009 that I noticed a missed call from Lee on a day he was supposed to give me a draft. We still communicated almost exclusively via computer at the time, so I called him back, worried.

 

He told me not to check my email, so the first thing I did was look at what he sent. The filename said it was work. The content, not so much.

 

It was a letter, to me. In it, he described a dream he had about me, and told me it made him realize that giving up on me wasn't something he could do. He said, once more, that he'd leave everything else behind at the word from me. And once again, I was terrified by it.

 

But we talked. Mostly, he talked. I let him tell me the contents of the letter even as I was trying to take it all in. He demanded to know if I'd ever loved him. "I always did, you idiot." And for the first time since we'd met, we didn't stop talking about it. We didn't end up together after that phone call, but we didn't stop talking about it. We missed each other, wanted each other, and went from talking mostly about writing together to daily phone calls. It wasn't long before my day wasn't complete without talking to him.

 

Since he still hadn't left her, and was still halfway across the country, I couldn't take anything about it seriously except the way I felt about him. No plans for the future. No commitment. Just finally, FINALLY acknowledging the elephant in the room: that we were deluding ourselves by trying to be happy with other people when we never tied up those loose ends.

 

Still, if he wasn't going to leave her... I got involved with Roy again, much less seriously this time. He was great in bed and always was/is still one of my best friends, and our more casual second go-around ended on good terms when he moved to take a new job.

 

The **** hit the fan when Lee and I decided things were going well enough that we should see each other in person again. I was so excited to see him and touch him, but I couldn't deal with him being with Carla anymore. Sure, I was involved with Roy, but that was nothing serious, and Lee knew it. He was moving to the other coast at the end of the summer to take a promotion. What was I going to do, follow him? And on the other hand, what was I going to do, move out of the apartment we had 5 minutes away from where Roy and I both worked and move in with my parents a town away? I was trying to save up to move out and be with Lee!

 

So he broke up with her, and that's when the guilt started. First, she literally threw herself at his feet and begged him to make it not true. When that didn't work, she started talking about how she'd been planning to propose to him (uh.. isn't that something you do when you've at least actually TALKED to your significant other about it?). Then, when she found out that he was involved with me, she started in with trying to convince him that my engagement, which had ended a year ago, was still on, under the guise of "concern."

 

We fought about her, and it stank. He felt guilty for hurting his "friend." I felt like he was putting her feelings above mine even as we became exclusive and I moved in with him.

 

But her passive aggressive bull**** never ended. I moved back to the coast and moved in with Lee, and found out the lengths she was going to in order to keep him on some kind of chain, even as she moved to the next state over and got involved with some guy that she IMMEDIATELY started publicly calling her better half and bragging about constantly. They'd lived in a large apartment full of college students, and it wasn't that clean. Her cat had completely destroyed Lee's box spring, which caused me back issues, and that alone left me soured to any possible civility with her. But what really got me was what she left behind.

 

Oh, it wasn't much. She'd left the state some time before I got there, so I figured when I cleaned the hell out of that apartment, I'd be fine just throwing away her stuff. If she'd cared about it, she would've taken it with her, right?

 

But she sure did leave panties in the most convenient locations in that room. Anyone with ovaries knows how big of a territorial ****-you that is. Worse, she left a beat up little nightstand - it was falling apart! - that Lee knew held a lot of emotional significance to her. When I tried to throw away her old stuff, it sparked a huge fight. Maybe the nightstand had belonged to her grandmother, but she'd left it at the apartment months before. And if she could move the rest of her stuff out there, she could move a damn nightstand that was smaller than most moving boxes. That was as much of a ****-you to me as the panties were. She didn't respect that Lee was in a new relationship even as she was making a huge show out of her own new relationship.

 

But he wanted me to be civil to her in social situations, so I was. I was never the type for huge, dramatic blowups. I felt incredibly disrespected, and was entirely uncomfortable with his willingness to maintain a friendship with someone who was so disrespectful to me, but he had some strange idea that if they had any more of a falling out after breaking up, that their entire group of friends would unilaterally reject him.

 

Oooo..kay? Fine. I was just as nice to her as to any of my clients, and I figured that'd be enough. I forced down any number of lumps in my throat anytime we saw her in social situations - he'd try to get her attention for something game-related by tapping her shoulder, and I'd see her respond to his touch as if she still thought of him as a lover. I saw her furtive glances his way during her PDA with her boy toy. Hell, even if I hadn't been so insulted I'd have wanted to slap her then for having the gall to call herself an actress.

 

Well, last winter, things got hard. Really hard. I was still having back issues, and put an awesome mattress with an insane employee discount on it on layaway at my job. He even said that he'd collect the money that Carla owed him for the box spring her cat destroyed. Still, every time it came up, she had some other excuse. She'd pay him, she said, next time they saw each other.

 

Every time they saw each other, that's what she said. Every single damn time. Meanwhile, I'd gotten a great new salaried job and we'd rented an apartment that would have been at the very upper limit of our price range if he hadn't gotten laid off two weeks after we moved in. The layoff sent him into a depression, and he took refuge in gaming with his friends. He started a job at a restaurant that was on its way under, just to make ends meet, but he quit on his second day.

 

He quit on his second day by skipping his second day to game with his friends. Including Carla.

 

While I was going to such lengths as borrowing $1000 at a time from family members to keep us afloat, he was quitting work to game with the bitch who wouldn't even pay him back the money she owed him.

 

From then on, I just couldn't deal with their friendship. I knew he wasn't cheating, but I felt just as betrayed. I started pushing him really hard in his job search, getting angry with him as he shut down communicating with me about it more and more. I started looking at job ads myself, just to prove to him that it wasn't so hard, and got as many offers as I wanted, even for contract work that I wasn't quite qualified for. I couldn't understand why his luck was so terrible, and he thought I was lording over him by finding jobs when I didn't need one and he was having trouble.

 

Then he left his email open one day. I looked at his sent folder to see what he'd sent to the numerous craigslist ads I'd been linking him to on a daily basis.

 

Nothing, for days at a time. I blew up at him. I told him that I didn't think he was taking any of it seriously. I told him that I couldn't deal with going to get-togethers that his ex would be at, but I also couldn't deal with him going alone unless he came back with the money she owed. It was bad enough that I'd let him convince me to be civil to her for the sake of avoiding drama with other friends - it was worse that he didn't see through to what she was doing. She almost tore us apart with her passive aggressive bull****, and I have no doubt that the "perfect" new boyfriend would have been out the window if she thought she could get her claws into Lee again. I started having panic attacks.

 

With some rather severe mediation from friends/neighbors unrelated to that circle, we got through that, but I was still the "bad guy." Always was, ever since I was first the OW. Guess I can't escape it.

 

Things were pretty calm on that front for several months, and my relationship with Lee is almost amazing. Almost.

 

But there was another blowup recently. Carla posted something so flirty on Lee's facebook that I started getting messages from third parties asking what the hell was going on. I got pissed. I sent her a message asking her, extremely politely, to please afford me the courtesy of not flirting with Lee, deciding to put all my effort into taking the moral high road.

 

So much for that. She sent me a bitchy message back. I said **** it and called her out on all her passive aggressive attacks on me. I told her she was a disgusting hypocrite for accusing me of stealing Lee, and that the only reason she would assume that I'd been some kind of evil mastermind in the whole business of Lee and me getting together was because of what she did to Vera, the girl he'd been dating before her.

 

I'd been so shocked by the "spineless" girl sending me such a bitchy message that I showed the whole conversation thread to the same friends that mediated to save our relationship. They were just as shocked. One of them, Lee's best friend, actually talked to him about it. Apparently he sat Lee down and told him that if he was serious about me, if I had a problem, then he had a problem. That just as I couldn't logic away his depression and avoidance over the winter, he couldn't just say "well I'm not cheating!" and make my hatred and distaste over the entire situation with Carla insignificant. And that, regardless of anything else, Carla was WAY over the line.

 

That night when I came home from work, Lee told me that he'd talked to our neighbor. He was going to take care of it, he said. He was going call and talk to Carla, and in no uncertain terms tell her that he left her because he wanted to get away from her and because he wanted to be with me.. that he pursued me, he loved me, and that I would always come first, so if she wanted to keep being friends with him, she'd have to act more respectful. I didn't really say anything to this other than that it was about time he stood up for me and I really appreciated it, and mentioning that the extent to which I blew up at her might not leave friendship in the cards to them.

 

And then he didn't do it. Not for three weeks. I brought it up about once a week until I finally just got fed up and asked him to do it, rather than asking whether he had.

 

After he did, he told me that he'd talked to her, she backed down immediately, and that they were still friends. It felt like a punch to the gut. I expected him to defend ME, not to defend their friendship! I felt so sick. The idea that what I thought was going to be him finally telling her off turned into a conversation about her work made me want to puke, or maybe to go to one of the get-togethers that were no longer compatible with Lee's work schedule and provoke her into a physical altercation.

 

I told him, and he went off at me. What did I want him to do, he demanded, did I want him to hurt her, twist the knife?

 

I wanted her to be out of the picture, I said. Not a friend. Not anything. A stranger.

 

It turned into a shouting match. I still can't understand why he'd want to maintain any kind of a friendship with someone like that. I've been dwelling on that initial mistake of getting involved with Lee while he was still with Carla. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be stuck in the role of "bad guy."

 

I don't want to leave Lee. As much as this post is entirely about our ups and downs, it's been a great relationship. He's good to me, takes care of me, and I feel like if we can just get through this bull****, we'll have an awesome future together. I just don't know how. He claims that *I'M* the one she's more important to, that I'm letting her ruin the relationship. But I can't help the way I feel, and I am NOT okay with them being friends after everything that's happened.

 

I've never had any kind of ex issues like this before. Hell, Vera and I became close friends after I moved here, and we even slept together. It was pretty awesome. But if maintaining a casual friendship with that bitch Carla is more important than not making me have panic attacks, then I don't know how we're going to handle anything of actual importance that comes up in the future. God forbid we ever have children.

 

Sigh... I need a nap, now.

[fooled once]

As much as you seem to hate Carla, and really some of your reasons are pretty lame (like how dare she 'let' her cat ruin a box spring!) and you are all wound up in controlling Lee and deciding who he can and can't speak to or be friends with.

 

I think you are obsessed with her. I think you are using her as an excuse - I mean, you said she lives a state away! You have to LET IT GO. You have to stop telling him who he can and can't talk to.

 

He sounds like a wuss. Did he ever get a job? Do you have to continue to support him? He is CHOOSING to be buddies with Carla, maybe because it pisses you off so much or MAYBE because HE DOES CARE ABOUT HER. You made all these claims about her

 

By the time I realized what a mistake I'd made, he'd gone from reactively doing the same kind of casual fun dating that I'd done, to giving in to a girl, Carla, who was pushing hard for exclusivity. She went to great lengths to steal him from any other girls he was seeing at the time, even enlisting the help of his best friend to convince him she was the only one of his flings that was worth keeping around.

 

you weren't there - YOU have no idea what was or wasn't going on. You decided to hate her immediately for having Lee as her boyfriend and moving in with him.

 

HE has never really chosen "you". He is pushed around --- by you, and according to you, by Carla. Both of you are peeing on him as if he is a possession.

 

I don't believe he has any respect for you. I don't think you really respect him. I think you both are hanging onto a 'crush' and you both are needy people who MUST BE WITH someone. You have gone from guy to guy to guy. You seem to be unable to be alone. You definitely aren't having healthy relationships. You just seem to flounder.

 

He isn't going to change. To continue to 'make him' ask her for money over a stupid box spring is ridiculous. Think about it! He doesn't care about the money! GET OVER it. Stop making it a competition with her. Stop checking out her online stuff

got involved with some guy that she IMMEDIATELY started publicly calling her better half and bragging about constantly.

 

I think part of you is really pissed that he picked her over you years ago. I think that eats away at you. I think it has really become a competition for him..and honestly, he doesn't sound like much of a winner so I'm not sure why you and Carla are fighting over him.

 

Let it go. Let it go and move on. Put the past in the past. Either you accept him NOW or you don't. Either you deal with the fact that he loved her in the past or you don't. Stop trying to minimize what they shared. Obviously it meant a lot to him or he wouldn't still be holding onto her. Yes, he is holding on to her. Not sure why, maybe because you are so insistent that he not be friends with her or maybe because he still cares about her.

 

I think you both need counseling. What you have is not a healthy relationship. I really think you two need to not live together. And FYI - as a woman who now only has 1 ovary I have never heard of planting panties around a room. Why would she do that? Did she know when she moved out YOU were moving in? If so, then maybe she did .... maybe she did that to show you that she was once very intimate with him while you and he were having an affair? I don't know -- but it is up to HIM to decide if he wants her crap in the apartment they shared or not. Let HIM get rid of it or not. If he chose to not get rid of it, a HUGE RED FLAG should be waving in front of you. I really honestly do not think you will have a long future with this guy. He is emotionally tied to someone else. You are very jealous, and really controlling. In all your talks with him, he knows how you feel about Carla, yet he is unwilling to cut her off. Another HUGE RED FLAG.

 

Cut your losses. It just isn't going to work...not now. I don't believe you two 'loved' each other all these years as you both chose to get involved with others. People who love each other, IMHO, don't do that. I think you both are 'settling' because it is easier than seeing what is in front of you or in being alone.

 

I don't mean to make you angry, just showing you what I got from reading your post. I hope you can break free of the insanity that is this relationship and grieve it, end it and move on. He is not your 'happily ever after'.

[MizzBlue72]

Ok -

I think you are giving your boyfriend way too much credit.

He has the power .....

[cupshalfempty]

I think your scared Carla is you only the roles have reversed. Where he told you Carla was nothing, and wouldn't let go of your friendship, now he's doing it to her. Look @ all the relationships you both went through still keeping yours going. He very well could be doing that with her now and that's the big fear.

 

Stop worrying about the stupid mattress. Really, its a boxspring and he kept it. They were together a long time why worry over a box spring? If it didn't bother him before you moved in and she was with him why should he bother with it now.

 

You just need to let go of the wonder. Accept that he's with you and forget her. If you can't, its really that you don't trust him and your never going to have a healthy relationship.