Yes I am the other woman

[u24u]

Alright here I go..............

I was with the guy of my dreams met him when I was 18

we were together for a while I knew he was the one I think he wanted to be with me for good. I was so scared to have met him in a way cause I never felt that way about anyone or vice versa. So I called it off. We spoke on and off for months got back together when he had a gf (he cheated) I was seing him on the side.. we kept seing each other on and off. Then I got a bf and (cheated to be with him) and he (cheated to be with me) when things didn't go good in our relationships we would come to reality when we were together and just be normal no drama our selves we have a strong connection. It has been going on for years.... about 9years to say. He recently got married and we are still together on the down low. It's like we are together again nothing has change it never will. will always be together in a way.....She has no idea. I know I am crazy for going to him but I still love him and wish things were different.

[bentnotbroken]

Wishing doesn't change the reality. As you said, you are the ow, he had a choice to be with openly and marry, yet he did not. Boundaries pretty much aren't existent for everyone here I see. Will you all let the wife in on the plan so she can play around too if she desires?

Edited August 6, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[whichwayisup]

You both missed the boat. Bottomline is, he CHOSE to marry someone else. He had plenty of opportunity to end his relationship, end the engagement, stop things before saying "I DO." He did NOT do that, he went ahead and got married.

 

He is having his cake and eating it too, and sorry to say this, not to be rude to you, but you are having your cake and eating it too by cheating your bf.

 

This is a very unhealthy dynamic, almost like a bad habit.. it's not "love" it's lust and addiction. If you both truly loved eachother, things would be different, he wouldn't be married and you wouldn't be the OW. You'd be married to eachother.

 

No good can come of this, just a lot of pain and heartache.

[MizzBlue72]

--Yes - you had the chance to be together.

Why did you not take it??

[Emme]

I am finding it really hard to tell you what to do. I have walked your walk already and I can tell you that the pain is severe. This is someone you’ve known most of your adult life and he is in a way all you know. You might have been in other relationships but you weren’t emotionally connected to those people because you were still invested in him. I find that in life many people run from things they can’t handle or they live their life fulfilling other people’s expectations rather than doing what they wish. I don’t know the reason why you two didn’t get together but more than likely you didn’t even know you loved him until it was too late or the both of you were never really available to want to try. You always figured that you would be there for each other so it made no sense to have a relationship.

 

Whatever the case… This is what will happen. You will continue to love him because you can’t get rid of your emotions. He is counting on you to always be there because you haven’t strayed or said goodbye, vice versa. He is now married and you are still having the affair. You will continue to do so maybe until one day you find out his wife is pregnant or even your get pregnant. You will then start to see things differently because you will now have other obligations. He will not be at the top of that list anymore. That will be your eye opener hopefully. If you don’t end it soon you are going to possibly fall into a deep depression. I don’t know how strong you are to cope with the ache of never seeing him in your life. He will be “dead” to you. If you can’t cope with the idea that he will be gone from your life you will continue to sink. The deeper you sink, the harder it is to crawl out.

 

As long as you are attached the worse the outcome will be. The only way to know if he loves you is to tell him the truth about what you want from him. If he still chooses his wife you have to let go. You won’t want to, but you have to. You are not living your life if he’s taking your life from you. You have to find someone who wants you completely in every way. I hope this helps. Physically letting go will be the easiest, trust me. Emotionally it will rip you to shreds. You have to make the choice… sooner or later. You decide, I wish you the best dear.

[whichwayisup]

I am finding it really hard to tell you what to do. I have walked your walk already and I can tell you that the pain is severe. This is someone you’ve known most of your adult life and he is in a way all you know. You might have been in other relationships but you weren’t emotionally connected to those people because you were still invested in him. I find that in life many people run from things they can’t handle or they live their life fulfilling other people’s expectations rather than doing what they wish. I don’t know the reason why you two didn’t get together but more than likely you didn’t even know you loved him until it was too late or the both of you were never really available to want to try. You always figured that you would be there for each other so it made no sense to have a relationship.

 

Whatever the case… This is what will happen. You will continue to love him because you can’t get rid of your emotions. He is counting on you to always be there because you haven’t strayed or said goodbye, vice versa. He is now married and you are still having the affair. You will continue to do so maybe until one day you find out his wife is pregnant or even your get pregnant. You will then start to see things differently because you will now have other obligations. He will not be at the top of that list anymore. That will be your eye opener hopefully. If you don’t end it soon you are going to possibly fall into a deep depression. I don’t know how strong you are to cope with the ache of never seeing him in your life. He will be “dead” to you. If you can’t cope with the idea that he will be gone from your life you will continue to sink. The deeper you sink, the harder it is to crawl out.

 

As long as you are attached the worse the outcome will be. The only way to know if he loves you is to tell him the truth about what you want from him. If he still chooses his wife you have to let go. You won’t want to, but you have to. You are not living your life if he’s taking your life from you. You have to find someone who wants you completely in every way. I hope this helps. Physically letting go will be the easiest, trust me. Emotionally it will rip you to shreds. You have to make the choice… sooner or later. You decide, I wish you the best dear.

 

This is an awesome reply Emme.

[MissBee]

I don't get it...why didn't you get together before he got married??

 

Yeaa....I didn't quite get that either. If this is your true love, why the back and forth and constant cheating while choosing to date others, for 9 years, then he gets married to someone els???? Why didn't you all end it with your bf/gf and try to be together?

[Emme]

BB07 and MissBee, I have wanted to answer your question but really couldn’t figure out a way to convey the reasons why. I keep seeing the commercial for the movie One Day and it in a way sums up what happens when someone is a part of your life. When you have been with someone for along time you are in a relationship. In an affair you might not see it in the same context as a normal/regular relationship, put you are. Instead of putting your foot forward to make a go of it FEAR stops you from making the decision. You think to yourself that you are already together and you always will be so there is not point in making it a “reality”. You have the fear of what if it doesn’t work or what if the emotions you feel are not reciprocated. If you lose that person, they will be lost forever from your life and that’s not a risk you are willing to take. Every affair is a relationship. Now an affair that is also based on friendship, that’s more extreme emotion and fear. You are not losing just a partner, you are losing lets say a mirror image of yourself. That person knows the real you through the bond of the friendship.

 

Affair partners are stuck in the same mode they’ve always been in. I call it the safe zone. You never have to worry about the bad times. They will never come. They won’t ever come because you are in bliss when you are together and those moments count as everything, even more than a normal relationship. I can recall instances where I would try to say something, fear stopped me. I can recall him making statements that might have led to the conversation of a relationship and I would put a wall up. In the moment you don’t value the person the way you should even though deep down you do. There are some people that would rather have a piece of someone they love for life than have a relationship with someone they never want to loose from their lives.

 

I hope this response helps somewhat. The fear of not knowing what will be stops many from living. I wish life was not like this, but unfortunately it is.