A Different Story

[hissunshine]

I have been reading this site for awhile now and thought that maybe it was time that I tell my story. My story starts off very much the same as everyone else's.....

 

I met MM about 4 years ago when I started a new job. For the year before I was transferred to a different division, MM always was very nice to me and would stare at me. At the time I didn't give it much thought as I figured he was just another one of those married guys who liked to flirt with younger girls.

 

For the next 3 years, I would run into MM on occassion and he would always go out of his way to talk to me and ask me how I was. This past winter, we ended up in the same professional university program. On the second trip away from the city that we live in, after working together on a few projects, he ended up in my room after a few drinks in the bar. Neither one of us was drunk, by any strech. We both left the hotel bar at the same time and when I got back to my room, he sent me an email saying good night. One message led to the other and I invited him to my room. Being a little naive, I thought that I could just have sex with this guy and be done with it. Apparently I had forgotten that I have never successfully done this in my entire life!

 

Anyway, we started fooling around but when it came time to actually do it, he couldn't...shall I say, "perform?" He appologized and said that he was just so nervous. He had never done this before to which of course I thought "ya right." I layed in his arms for a few hours and then kicked him out! After this night, he started calling and texting me all the time and kept asking to see me again. He is a really nice guy. I have always gotten along with him very well and I was very much enjoying the attention. The second time we got together, the same thing happened!!! Then he started telling me all about the feelings he had for me. He said that I am all he can think about and he is very confused by what he is feeling. He says he has always been faithful to his wife and is very conflicted about the strong feelings he has for me. At this point, I have no idea what to do with this. Do I even believe what he is saying? I have known him for awhile and I have never heard of him running around.

 

Now here is where my story gets complicated. W had breast cancer about 3 years ago. He said this was the hardest thing he has ever gone through given that they had two young children. She is a stay at home mom and he has a big job but he attended pretty much every appointment with her and was there through every treatment. Since the cancer though, she has not been the same. Because of the treatment, they have only been intimate for a few times since she got sick, the last time being almost a year before he met me.

 

Things between us progress, on our third meeting, everything works the way it should and we have an amazing time. Very shortly after that, he tells me that he loves me. I am now in love with him as we are perfect for each other, in every way.

 

About a month and a half after that, an old boyfriends shows up at my house and tries to get back together with me. This causes MM and I to have "the conversation" of where the heck is this going? To make a long story short, he thinks something is wrong with W again, and he cant leave her at this point because if she is sick, it likely won't be a good prognosis as it is rare to beat Cancer the second time. He said he could not live with himself if he were to leave her, she gets sick and he is unable to fully be there for the kids through the whole thing. I love this man with all my heart so I agree to wait a little while to see where this goes.

 

Well, today, W is terminally ill. I am not sure how much time she has left but I think it is a matter of months not years. MM is there every step of the way for the kids. I am his support system as he is keeping everything at home together. It is a crappy position to be in although I know the prize in the end will be wonderful. This guy is everything I have always wanted.

 

I had to tell my story, I am sorry if some of you don't understand. Obviously neither MM nor I wished for this outcome. He was very ready to divorce her. When he is discouraged from time to time, he tells me that he just wishes that we could get on with our life together but feels terrible that the kids are losing their mother.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

[bentnotbroken]

You don't want to know the answer to your question. At least not a different answer than the one you have already come up with on your own. If he is the standard for what a good man is...........

[fooled once]

I

 

Well, today, W is terminally ill. I am not sure how much time she has left but I think it is a matter of months not years. MM is there every step of the way for the kids. I am his support system as he is keeping everything at home together. It is a crappy position to be in although I know the prize in the end will be wonderful. This guy is everything I have always wanted.

 

I had to tell my story, I am sorry if some of you don't understand. Obviously neither MM nor I wished for this outcome. He was very ready to divorce her. When he is discouraged from time to time, he tells me that he just wishes that we could get on with our life together but feels terrible that the kids are losing their mother.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

:sick::sick: Are you kidding? Crappy position to be in although the PRIZE in the end will be wonderful? Who is in a crappy position? The wife who is terminally ill? The disgusting, disrespectful, piece of crap MM who instead of focusing on his dying wife and children he is out screwing you? Or you, who has to wait until the wife dies so you can get your prize?

 

So how long before she is dead before you all 'come out' and be in the open? A few weeks? Months? Do you really think people aren't going to KNOW what has been going on? Do you think this children will want another "mommy" so soon after losing their mother?? Do you think his wife's parents will ever welcome you? People are NOT dumb.

 

Sorry, but this is not going to end well for you. He may end up resenting you for taking time away from his DYING wife and his kids, his kids who need their father now more than ever and yet Dad is preoccupied with making sure his mistress is okay.

 

Wow, just wow. This is such a sad and really shocking post. Sorry, but I hope the wife finds out before her death, kicks him out and announces to everyone what has been going on.

[eleanor01]

I have been reading this site for awhile now and thought that maybe it was time that I tell my story. My story starts off very much the same as everyone else's.....

 

I met MM about 4 years ago when I started a new job. For the year before I was transferred to a different division, MM always was very nice to me and would stare at me. At the time I didn't give it much thought as I figured he was just another one of those married guys who liked to flirt with younger girls.

 

For the next 3 years, I would run into MM on occassion and he would always go out of his way to talk to me and ask me how I was. This past winter, we ended up in the same professional university program. On the second trip away from the city that we live in, after working together on a few projects, he ended up in my room after a few drinks in the bar. Neither one of us was drunk, by any strech. We both left the hotel bar at the same time and when I got back to my room, he sent me an email saying good night. One message led to the other and I invited him to my room. Being a little naive, I thought that I could just have sex with this guy and be done with it. Apparently I had forgotten that I have never successfully done this in my entire life!

 

Anyway, we started fooling around but when it came time to actually do it, he couldn't...shall I say, "perform?" He appologized and said that he was just so nervous. He had never done this before to which of course I thought "ya right." I layed in his arms for a few hours and then kicked him out! After this night, he started calling and texting me all the time and kept asking to see me again. He is a really nice guy. I have always gotten along with him very well and I was very much enjoying the attention. The second time we got together, the same thing happened!!! Then he started telling me all about the feelings he had for me. He said that I am all he can think about and he is very confused by what he is feeling. He says he has always been faithful to his wife and is very conflicted about the strong feelings he has for me. At this point, I have no idea what to do with this. Do I even believe what he is saying? I have known him for awhile and I have never heard of him running around.

 

Now here is where my story gets complicated. W had breast cancer about 3 years ago. He said this was the hardest thing he has ever gone through given that they had two young children. She is a stay at home mom and he has a big job but he attended pretty much every appointment with her and was there through every treatment. Since the cancer though, she has not been the same. Because of the treatment, they have only been intimate for a few times since she got sick, the last time being almost a year before he met me.

 

Things between us progress, on our third meeting, everything works the way it should and we have an amazing time. Very shortly after that, he tells me that he loves me. I am now in love with him as we are perfect for each other, in every way.

 

About a month and a half after that, an old boyfriends shows up at my house and tries to get back together with me. This causes MM and I to have "the conversation" of where the heck is this going? To make a long story short, he thinks something is wrong with W again, and he cant leave her at this point because if she is sick, it likely won't be a good prognosis as it is rare to beat Cancer the second time. He said he could not live with himself if he were to leave her, she gets sick and he is unable to fully be there for the kids through the whole thing. I love this man with all my heart so I agree to wait a little while to see where this goes.

 

Well, today, W is terminally ill. I am not sure how much time she has left but I think it is a matter of months not years. MM is there every step of the way for the kids. I am his support system as he is keeping everything at home together. It is a crappy position to be in although I know the prize in the end will be wonderful. This guy is everything I have always wanted.

 

I had to tell my story, I am sorry if some of you don't understand. Obviously neither MM nor I wished for this outcome. He was very ready to divorce her. When he is discouraged from time to time, he tells me that he just wishes that we could get on with our life together but feels terrible that the kids are losing their mother.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

OMG. The basic plot of that story is very similar to mine, except that my lover's wife was already sick when he and I got together. Also, my lover loves his wife and we don't really talk specifically (we kind of have, implicitly, e.g., "When we go to New Zealand, we'll have hike the Milford Track") about what's going to happen when she dies. STILL, in spite of the few differences, our stories are just an awful lot alike. Who would've thunk?

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think you are going to end up with a "prize". You're not considering the process of getting there and that is where you are going to run into his conscience, yours, his family's. He is possibly going to be hit with guilt and remorse for missing important moments from being with you or thinking about you when he should have been focused on the needs of his W and family.

 

I think your MM should speak with John Edwards before continuing further down this road.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he'll end up with you once his wife passes away. If you believe he's going to, you're going to get extremely hurt and have your heart broken.

 

Right now, you NEED to back off and leave him alone. He has to focus on her and the kids. The guilt (maybe not you, not too sure on that since you seem so convinced you'll be together) he will feel when she's gone will be overwhelming. That and having to deal with the kids, her family, their friends.. you think all of a sudden you two will become an item and meet everybody within a year of her being gone?

 

I'm not judging you but you need to really think about the consquences of this and how maybe you may feel once she really is gone. Taking precious time away from her by being with her husband.

 

My good friend had breast cancer and I saw her go through HELL. We looked after her kids on chemo days while her husband looked after her. He was her rock.. So reading that this MM guy of yours is wanting to divorce his wife during the WORST time in HER life and is having an affair with you, just makes me sick to my stomach.

[summerdowling87]

I guess he only believe's in the health part of the marriage vows. What if you to 2thgther and you get sick down the road is it okay if he does the same to you?

 

Or if she gets well woman do survived breast cancer you never know what can happen. What wil happen with you two then?

[summerdowling87]

I don't think you are going to end up with a "prize". You're not considering the process of getting there and that is where you are going to run into his conscience, yours, his family's. He is possibly going to be hit with guilt and remorse for missing important moments from being with you or thinking about you when he should have been focused on the needs of his W and family.

 

I think your MM should speak with John Edwards before continuing further down this road.

 

Yupe he didn't leave his wife even after he had a new baby girl

[whichwayisup]

I really don't think this is helpful.

 

Do you think that making someone feel guilty is the way to help them see the reality of the situation?

 

I think this is a horribly difficult situation and one that I hope that I will never face.

 

I don't pass judgment on anyone because no one really knows what they will do until they are in the situation.

 

I think it's really easy to sit in judgment on someone else. However, is that going to help anyone?

 

No.

 

OP, think about the situation and how you need people to support you. There will be those posters around who will support you no matter the path you choose. Just be sure of your path. This is one of those situations that's just sad all the way around.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

 

I am not judging her, I am being realistic and giving her a reality check she desparately needs. Her plan on them ending up together once his wife passes away is based on a guy who is messed up emotionally and will have TWO children to deal with and help them cope with the loss of their mom. If she believes she's going to step into their life and take the roll of his wife, step mom to their children, she's fooling herself.

 

Please focus on your OWN advice to her and don't pick apart on what I say. I have every right to give her my 2 cents worth, just like you do. I've been respectful, I didn't name call and I wasn't rude so chill out. Please.

[whichwayisup]

How would you feel as the sick spouse? Would you want your spouse to find happiness? Or would you be selfish and expect complete fidelity?

 

Hello, we're talking cancer here and this woman has been told she's dying. Damn right he should be there for her and their kids!! It's called OBLIGATION. It's called SUCKING IT UP and thinking of others besides yourself. (not you, general you.)

 

If it were me, I'd want him by my side, helping out, being a father to the kids, taking care of stuff that needs to be taken care of during that time.

 

Are you calling his wife selfish because she's dying and wants her husband by her side? W..T..F! What is wrong with him and where are his priorities?

 

And just FYI, I didn't guilt trip the OP, I asked her how she would feel later and also that he more than likely WILL feel guilt and regret if he chooses to continue spending time with her and staying in the affair instead of being with his wife and kids during this time that he'll never ever get back once his wife passes away.

 

It blows me away that so many in this society only think of themselves and their own happiness instead of doing what is right and putting others first (aka his wife and kids above his own feelings.) Maybe I'M old fashioned, or just hate how things have changed across the world that it's become a ME ME ME society and how everybody has to be happy 24/7!

[bentnotbroken]

Hello, we're talking cancer here and this woman has been told she's dying. Damn right he should be there for her and their kids!! It's called OBLIGATION. It's called SUCKING IT UP and thinking of others besides yourself. (not you, general you.)

 

If it were me, I'd want him by my side, helping out, being a father to the kids, taking care of stuff that needs to be taken care of during that time.

 

Are you calling his wife selfish because she's dying and wants her husband by her side? W..T..F! What is wrong with him and where are his priorities?

 

And just FYI, I didn't guilt trip the OP, I asked her how she would feel later and also that he more than likely WILL feel guilt and regret if he chooses to continue spending time with her and staying in the affair instead of being with his wife and kids during this time that he'll never ever get back once his wife passes away.

 

It blows me away that so many in this society only think of themselves and their own happiness instead of doing what is right and putting others first (aka his wife and kids above his own feelings.) Maybe I'M old fashioned, or just hate how things have changed across the world that it's become a ME ME ME society and how everybody has to be happy 24/7!

 

 

WWIU, let roll. If you aren't self centered you won't get it. I for one am glad I don't get it.

[bentnotbroken]

I guess he only believe's in the health part of the marriage vows. What if you to 2thgther and you get sick down the road is it okay if he does the same to you?

 

Or if she gets well woman do survived breast cancer you never know what can happen. What wil happen with you two then?

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. Reminds of the spouse who can only handle the "happy" parts of marriage and checks the hell out of the rest of it.

[whichwayisup]

Sacrifice. Maybe that's a word that needs to be looked up in the dictionary as it seems to be forgotten.

[bentnotbroken]

I need to get on my soapbox for a moment here........

 

Why is it that some people feel that they can not LIVE without sex and to have to live without it justifies whatever? I mean seriously........I don't get it.

 

 

Read my post to WWIU.....let it roll.

[whichwayisup]

I need to get on my soapbox for a moment here........

 

Why is it that some people feel that they can not LIVE without sex and to have to live without it justifies whatever? I mean seriously........I don't get it.

 

Me neither.

 

And, this isn't to make the op feel bad, but with that said she needs to be aware of how her MM is treating the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends, had children with, built a life together.. She's going through the worst time of life and going to die .. All he can think about is divorcing his wife since she couldn't put out for him, so he chose to look elsewhere while she was recovering and now unfortunately her cancer is back and he STILL is having an affair and thinking of sex. Don't get, don't want to get it either. It's just pathetic and sad.. And again, shows how society has changed into a "ME ME ME I have to be happy, fulfilled 24/7 and if I'm not happy ALL the time and my needs aren't being met I'm gonna go outside of the marriage."

[whichwayisup]

Read my post to WWIU.....let it roll.

 

Thanks..I'm trying. It's just I lost my father to cancer, both of my aunts and thankfully my good friend is a survivor so this subject of death and cancer is hitting a sore spot with me and when some think that the husband has a right to go outside of the marriage meanwhile his wife is dying just really gets me. It's wrong.

[bentnotbroken]

Me neither.

 

And, this isn't to make the op feel bad, but with that said she needs to be aware of how her MM is treating the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends, had children with, built a life together.. She's going through the worst time of life and going to die .. All he can think about is divorcing his wife since she couldn't put out for him, so he chose to look elsewhere while she was recovering and now unfortunately her cancer is back and he STILL is having an affair and thinking of sex. Don't get, don't want to get it either. It's just pathetic and sad.. And again, shows how society has changed into a "ME ME ME I have to be happy, fulfilled 24/7 and if I'm not happy ALL the time and my needs aren't being met I'm gonna go outside of the marriage."

 

The implication that sex=happiness even in the face of watching someone you love dying in front of you. In this case it just confirms the only person that he loves is himself. What is wrong with family, clergy, friends offering real support instead of sexual support(yeah, yeah I know it's not all about sex, but that's all that seems to get tossed around......the sexual needs). I have a friend who used to say for all those people who swear that if they don't have sex they would die, should be put in the desert for a few without water and food...see how many times they think about having.

[bentnotbroken]

OK>.........lol

 

Well another thing, I used to think I was non judgmental here, but I've came to realize we all bring our bias, prejudices, experiences to our posts. I don't believe that one can write anything here without on some level being judgmental, it just part of who we are.

 

 

Yeah, I stop listening to that don't judge crap awhile ago. We all judge daily, whether a person is too fat, skinny, racist, sexist, dumb, smart, butt monkey, nice...whatever it is that doesn't fit our view of what is right. Judgment on the other hand requires one hands out the punishment for the perceived crime which most of us can't or won't do.

[leftfordead2]

OMG. The basic plot of that story is very similar to mine, except that my lover's wife was already sick when he and I got together. Also, my lover loves his wife and we don't really talk specifically (we kind of have, implicitly, e.g., "When we go to New Zealand, we'll have hike the Milford Track") about what's going to happen when she dies. STILL, in spite of the few differences, our stories are just an awful lot alike. Who would've thunk?

 

I think you meant "Who would've thought?". Thunk is not a word.

[bentnotbroken]

The more I think about this subject the more I want to puke in my mouth. I really can't think of much worse than to betray someone who is dying. Yes.......I get that before this happened he wanted a divorce, but I don't see how anyone could do that to someone who is dying. I would hope it changes his mind. It speaks to the utmost selfishness and that isn't even taking into account what it would do to the kids.......losing their mother and maybe finding out their dad was having an affair while their mother was dying. That would truly be devastating to the kids.

 

 

There have been several puke worthy threads lately. Infidelity forum has a few also.

[whichwayisup]

The more I think about this subject the more I want to puke in my mouth. I really can't think of much worse than to betray someone who is dying. Yes.......I get that before this happened he wanted a divorce, but I don't see how anyone could do that to someone who is dying. I would hope it changes his mind. It speaks to the utmost selfishness and that isn't even taking into account what it would do to the kids.......losing their mother and maybe finding out their dad was having an affair while their mother was dying. That would truly be devastating to the kids.

 

The thing is, one day he *may* live to regret his selfish decisions, though I'm sure right now he doesn't believe or think he's being selfish. One day he could realize how he friked up..But it'll be too late. That kind of guilt and regret needs therapy to help work through, it isn't something that will go away on it's own.

[leftfordead2]

I have been reading this site for awhile now and thought that maybe it was time that I tell my story. My story starts off very much the same as everyone else's.....

 

I met MM about 4 years ago when I started a new job. For the year before I was transferred to a different division, MM always was very nice to me and would stare at me. At the time I didn't give it much thought as I figured he was just another one of those married guys who liked to flirt with younger girls.

 

For the next 3 years, I would run into MM on occassion and he would always go out of his way to talk to me and ask me how I was. This past winter, we ended up in the same professional university program. On the second trip away from the city that we live in, after working together on a few projects, he ended up in my room after a few drinks in the bar. Neither one of us was drunk, by any strech. We both left the hotel bar at the same time and when I got back to my room, he sent me an email saying good night. One message led to the other and I invited him to my room. Being a little naive, I thought that I could just have sex with this guy and be done with it. Apparently I had forgotten that I have never successfully done this in my entire life!

 

Anyway, we started fooling around but when it came time to actually do it, he couldn't...shall I say, "perform?" He appologized and said that he was just so nervous. He had never done this before to which of course I thought "ya right." I layed in his arms for a few hours and then kicked him out! After this night, he started calling and texting me all the time and kept asking to see me again. He is a really nice guy. I have always gotten along with him very well and I was very much enjoying the attention. The second time we got together, the same thing happened!!! Then he started telling me all about the feelings he had for me. He said that I am all he can think about and he is very confused by what he is feeling. He says he has always been faithful to his wife and is very conflicted about the strong feelings he has for me. At this point, I have no idea what to do with this. Do I even believe what he is saying? I have known him for awhile and I have never heard of him running around.

 

Now here is where my story gets complicated. W had breast cancer about 3 years ago. He said this was the hardest thing he has ever gone through given that they had two young children. She is a stay at home mom and he has a big job but he attended pretty much every appointment with her and was there through every treatment. Since the cancer though, she has not been the same. Because of the treatment, they have only been intimate for a few times since she got sick, the last time being almost a year before he met me.

 

Things between us progress, on our third meeting, everything works the way it should and we have an amazing time. Very shortly after that, he tells me that he loves me. I am now in love with him as we are perfect for each other, in every way.

 

About a month and a half after that, an old boyfriends shows up at my house and tries to get back together with me. This causes MM and I to have "the conversation" of where the heck is this going? To make a long story short, he thinks something is wrong with W again, and he cant leave her at this point because if she is sick, it likely won't be a good prognosis as it is rare to beat Cancer the second time. He said he could not live with himself if he were to leave her, she gets sick and he is unable to fully be there for the kids through the whole thing. I love this man with all my heart so I agree to wait a little while to see where this goes.

 

Well, today, W is terminally ill. I am not sure how much time she has left but I think it is a matter of months not years. MM is there every step of the way for the kids. I am his support system as he is keeping everything at home together. It is a crappy position to be in although I know the prize in the end will be wonderful. This guy is everything I have always wanted.

 

I had to tell my story, I am sorry if some of you don't understand. Obviously neither MM nor I wished for this outcome. He was very ready to divorce her. When he is discouraged from time to time, he tells me that he just wishes that we could get on with our life together but feels terrible that the kids are losing their mother.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

Your life, your own choice. There's one thing you are missing though. That is morals. Your MM is missing a lot more than that. You guys should be together and please do not breed cause we do not need more scums on earth.

[whichwayisup]

Just hopin' that this thread is fake. Odd that the OP hasn't replied back. Makes one wonder.......

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I am completey blown away by the number of people who are waiting for someone to die in order for them to have they happiness they desire! Buzzards come to mind.

 

OP, here's what you do. Make sure she knows about the affair. Stress hormones will wreck havoc on her body, expediting the process and her demise. One word of advice, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Edited August 7, 2011 by IfWishesWereHorses

[whichwayisup]

You like to lecture and you too, are being judgemental. Why not just focus on the OP and please stop picking apart other people's replies. The OP is a grown woman and isn't a child who needs to have her hand held, to be protected.