A Different Story

[hissunshine]

Hi.

 

I can't believe all this hate talk. What makes any affair moral?Seriously.

Nothing. All of us here are far from moral to start with, yet we cope with it and dress it with pretty things, to make it look good.

 

How dare you not understand what Sunshine is going through?

First thing i try to remember in here is that i do not know who im talking to. Being the OW is for alot of people, just sex. Most of the MM are liars and are in it also just for the sex. For some in here, its more. Yes, the "my MM is different" HAS some truth in it. Why leave sunshine out? cause cancer hit the door?you think she likes it? You seriously think she is hoping for the W to die?

 

Take a deep breath and think what would you do if all of sudden you were in a place like this...run like hell? Seriously? You would let "the love of your life" "the man that understands me the most", "the best thing that ever happened to me" or whatever you are calling him....get through this alone?? If you would run like hell and never come back, then think again about what kind of Affair you are in...

 

Sunshine, im sure you are torn in this situation. Some people although cruel, did point out some things you should watch out for. Id advise you to give him the time he needs to take care of his wife. Do not make contact with him, let him contact you. Do not visit the hospital or anything, stay away from his life unless he contacts you. Sometimes even when he contacts you, say no. You will know when its not right. You may want to be right next to him AND his wife through this difficult time, but trust me you cant, as much as it hurts.

 

If everything goes bad, i really wish it wont, you must still keep your distance. MM would be grieving...for a long long time. His grief will have nothing to do with you, its his grief and his kids grief, again as much as you would like to help...you cant. Note that a grieving process like this takes a very very long time. If a MM (or anyone) deserves to be selfish its during times like this. He may want to rush it with you, say no. A grieving person can not make life changing decisions, so dont support them at first. Do not run into his arms and marry him or anything. Even if a marriage ends with a divorce (wish it was in this situation:/) i dont find it wise for one to rush into marriage.

 

 

 

If you have a friend who knows about you two and is supportive, you will need him/her. If you dont have one, find one. Although the one who is having a hard time in this situation is the wife, MM+kids, in that order, you must take care of yourself.

 

Conclusion, stay as far away as possible, dont forget that MM is going through hell right now, so try to help him not do anything he will regret later on. like:

 

*DO NOT TELL THE WIFE* I dont get it, why ruin her ending life like that?....People say "be honest dont let her die in a lie". Do you think, in her situation, sick, feeling awful 24/7, thinking her life is ending at such a young age, leaving 2 kids behind and much much more...she would like to know that her husband is being unfaithful???? Sometimes honesty is a bad way to go...

 

Also, try to keep in mind that all the conversations you two are having about the future may not be true, not cause of him lying or anything, but if things do not end well...death changes people. You are making these convos while she is still alive. HUGE difference.

 

Best wishes for recovery to the W, and i wish for you ,sunshine, to make the right everyday choices. You are going through a hard time, i wish you make it through with as less scars as you can get.

 

Thank you Capris!!! I feel like you understand. I hate being in this situation, it is not what I would choose. But, I am in it and since you can't go back, I will go forward.

 

I do have a really great friend who knows both of us (although, he doesn't know MM very well). He is absolutely a great supporter of this, thinks this guy is great for me. He knows me very well. In fact, the day that W was diagnosed, I actually ended it with MM. I was so upset and cried all night. The next day, I was having lunch with my friend and told him what had happened. He was amazing and basically convinced me that I needed to be there for MM. I was totally expected judgement and for him to tell me to run but I got a totally different response. He has been very supportive through all of this and you are right, I really need him.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your support!

[fooled once]

OP, as someone who had a relationship with a bereaved partner( luckily not with young children) there are difficulties to face. The spouse sort of becomes a saint( not saying she's not a good woman) and as the woman who cones after, you are often compared.

 

I have a friend who married a widower and their marriage ended because she was constantly feeling as if she was in the wife's shadow. She never felt she 'measured up' enough. The wife's picture continued to hang in their home, the kids had pictures of mom all around their rooms and the wife's belongings were boxed up in the closet. Family never really 'accepted' her because the marriage didn't end due to divorce; the marriage only ended due to death.

 

How dare you not understand what Sunshine is going through?

First thing i try to remember in here is that i do not know who im talking to. Being the OW is for alot of people, just sex. Most of the MM are liars and are in it also just for the sex. For some in here, its more. Yes, the "my MM is different" HAS some truth in it. Why leave sunshine out? cause cancer hit the door?you think she likes it? You seriously think she is hoping for the W to die?

 

Take a deep breath and think what would you do if all of sudden you were in a place like this...run like hell? Seriously? You would let "the love of your life" "the man that understands me the most", "the best thing that ever happened to me" or whatever you are calling him....get through this alone?? If you would run like hell and never come back, then think again about what kind of Affair you are in...

 

Sunshine, im sure you are torn in this situation. Some people although cruel, did point out some things you should watch out for. Id advise you to give him the time he needs to take care of his wife. Do not make contact with him, let him contact you. Do not visit the hospital or anything, stay away from his life unless he contacts you. Sometimes even when he contacts you, say no. You will know when its not right. You may want to be right next to him AND his wife through this difficult time, but trust me you cant, as much as it hurts.

 

If everything goes bad, i really wish it wont, you must still keep your distance. MM would be grieving...for a long long time. His grief will have nothing to do with you, its his grief and his kids grief, again as much as you would like to help...you cant. Note that a grieving process like this takes a very very long time. If a MM (or anyone) deserves to be selfish its during times like this. He may want to rush it with you, say no. A grieving person can not make life changing decisions, so dont support them at first. Do not run into his arms and marry him or anything. Even if a marriage ends with a divorce (wish it was in this situation:/) i dont find it wise for one to rush into marriage.

 

If you have a friend who knows about you two and is supportive, you will need him/her. If you dont have one, find one. Although the one who is having a hard time in this situation is the wife, MM+kids, in that order, you must take care of yourself.

 

Conclusion, stay as far away as possible, dont forget that MM is going through hell right now, so try to help him not do anything he will regret later on. like:

 

*DO NOT TELL THE WIFE* I dont get it, why ruin her ending life like that?....People say "be honest dont let her die in a lie". Do you think, in her situation, sick, feeling awful 24/7, thinking her life is ending at such a young age, leaving 2 kids behind and much much more...she would like to know that her husband is being unfaithful???? Sometimes honesty is a bad way to go...

 

Best wishes for recovery to the W, and i wish for you ,sunshine, to make the right everyday choices. You are going through a hard time, i wish you make it through with as less scars as you can get.

 

Why does once again the wife NOT get to be told the truth? Why do you (general you) get to decide what she should and shouldn't know in her final weeks/months on earth?

 

If the wife lives, there will probably not be a divorce....plus, from re-reading the original post, sunshine has only been in the affair 5 months! Yet she claims this guy is perfect and perfect for her? How well can she even KNOW him? I mean, it isn't as if they are dating and spending quality time together. They are sneaking around stealing moments from a dying woman. And this guy is "perfect"? If this is your definition of perfect, we have such different definitions. My idea of a perfect man isn't someone who is sneaking around with a mistress while his wife is dealing with a terminal illness. My idea of a perfect man isn't some fool who is discussing MARRIAGE with a woman he has been sneaking around with for 5 months while his wife is trying to get the most out of the remaining time of her life.

 

I highly doubt she has a friend who is going to be understanding of her affair with a man whose wife is terminal; especially since they are discussing marrying after the wife dies!

 

How "dare" we not understand what SHE is going through? Really? How DARE she or you presume either of you know what is best for the wife! How DARE she be thinking about marrying some guy while the wife is fighting cancer! How dare she be upset that she isn't #1 right now while this woman agonizes over leaving her children and not being there for them as they grow up. How dare we not sympathize with her? How dare she not sympathize with the wife and talk about winning her prize when the wife dies - the prize being the wife's perfect husband!

 

Think about how you would feel to find out that your father was banging someone else while your mother lay dying! Think about how you would feel to find out your child's spouse was out getting some while they lay dying. Don't throw judgments at those of us who are sickened by this situation. They have been in an affair for 5 months!! Not 5 years, but 5 months! Do you really think that she will be spending Christmas with him and his kids if the wife is gone? I hardly doubt it.

 

If this 'relationship' is so amazing and so perfect, then putting the brakes on it and letting HIM deal with his family situation won't 'turn off' his feelings. Letting him deal with the his wife, his kids, funeral and then grieving would be the kindest thing she can do for him. Instead of being all grumpy that he has to cancel their rendevous, she can tell him to go deal with his life and look her up in a year and see where things stand. I mean, if they are JUST PERFECT for each other, a year apart won't be an issue.

 

The more she gets poopy that she isn't #1, or that he had to break a 'date' with her, the more he is going to be even MORE stressed and guess who is going to get his nasty temper - his dying wife and his kids. The BEST gift sunshine could give him is to leave him alone and let him deal with what is going on. He has friends and family to lean on; he doesn't need sunshine. His kids need him now more than ever ... and they need him attentive and strong; not running around trying to smooth sunshines hurt feelings.

[hissunshine]

@hissunshine

I was trying to send you a private message but you are a new member, so please send me a message, i assume i can reply to a message from a "newbie" right girls?

 

Take care all!

 

Nope, I can't PM yet either!

[NoIDidn't]

I have to admit i was in a bad mood, so the "how dare" does come a bit too much, but i can say that she has had some responces that don't fit in the polite category. Sorry for being too harsh with the "how dare", but still i cant understand how some OW cannot relate.

 

She is suffering something hard, of course i can not compare it to what the W and H is going trough, but if she loves him, trust me, its hard on her too. "Waiting" for someone to die, isnt an easy situation, unless we're talking about serial killers. Gosh even the phrase "waiting for someone to die" is cruel. Im sure sunshine or any OW in this situaion, would never wish something like this.

 

Being an OW, normally the "best" end to the situation is a divorce and even thats something bad. In this case....lord....sunshine's feelings must be ripped in two.

 

Again the only thing i can wish for is a possible recover and for sunshine to come through with out too many scars.

 

Hi Capris

 

I understand the frustration in your first post and I think that others were just expressing the bolded differently from the way you present it here. From what sunshine says, I don't think it was ever her intention to be cruel to anyone in this situation but that is the way that many are going to see it.

 

I hope that she steps back and gives the MM the chance, whether he wants it or not, to truly say goodbye to his W and see her off properly and without distraction. I think he's the main one in this that's not showing his W real consideration or compassion.

 

She is dying. His marriage will be over with soon enough. The least he could do is honor his vows until she actually dies and not cause sunshine to feel unnecessary guilt and other regret for being with him too soon.

 

I get the feeling that neither of them will step back and they will end up surprised when she does die and all those negative emotions come flooding in. I just don't want him to hurt her after his W dies when he realizes what he's done to his W and family (all of his family, as his actions are really disrespectful to the whole family unit, IMO).

[Tenacity]

You will not end up with this man, sunshine. You will be part of the guilt that he will FOR SURE feel after she is gone, and he will want no part in it. Five months is nothing. You are still immersed in the limerence stage of a relationship, where he is your "soul mate" (insert eyeroll here) and you are just so compatible in every way and no one else has ever been "in love" as much as you have and there are no real-life problems and it's all just going to work out happily ever after. You don't even have the solidity of having a relationship. Five months is nothing.

 

The best thing that you can do, for everyone, is to refuse to see this man during this time, even if he doesn't have the cojones to do it for himself. If there is to be any hope that you will end up with him (although personally, I would not want him) your best bet is to leave him alone now. One day this man is going to feel a great amount of guilt and remorse for how he handled the last days of his wife's life. (And if he doesn't, then you don't want him anyway).

 

Either way, I believe that you are not going to end up with him. I would bet my 401k account on that (not worth much anyway, as it's all in stocks )

 

There are ways to be a friend and offer support to someone you care about during a terrible time without it having to be about sex. There is always time for that later. Why would it be so hard for him to "suck it up" and be a real husband for the last days of his wife's life? Do you really want a man who could not even manage to do that?

 

I'm not sure why this is something that needs to be explained to you, in all honesty. I am not trying to be mean or critical; I just don't get it.

[Quiet Storm]

You are still immersed in the limerence stage of a relationship, where he is

your "soul mate" (insert eyeroll here) and you are just so compatible in every

way and no one else has ever been "in love" as much as you have and there are no

real-life problems and it's all just going to work out happily ever after. You

don't even have the solidity of having a relationship. Five months is

nothing.

 

I totally agree. You are his escape. That's it. He can come to you and supress all his problems, and be lighthearted and fun.

 

Once she dies, your role will shift from "his sunshine" to "thief". You will be seen as the one that robbed him of his time with her. He feels obligated to her right now, and it is stressful and dragging him down.

 

Once she dies, it will shift and then he will feel obligated to YOU.

 

And that obligation will make him uncomfortable and cause him to distance himself. Just like he is doing with her now. He avoids bad feelings. Right now you make him happy, but after she is gone, you will bring him bad memories.

 

You will remind him of his terrible actions. You will remind him of the way he treated his wife. His children's mother. She will be remembered and cherished. And you will be seen as the interloper.

 

Unless he is a sociopath of course. Then he won't care at all. He will embrace you as long as you have no expectations and take his word as the truth. However, once you see a sociopath for who they really are, they will drop you and move on to a more gullible audience.

[Capris]

Why does once again the wife NOT get to be told the truth? Why do you (general you) get to decide what she should and shouldn't know in her final weeks/months on earth?

 

It is a tricky choice, but just think about it this way: Her husband telling her that he is being unfaithfull cause he might feel bad is also a shelfish act. If the W wasnt dying, id be all in for the honesty, but ok, he tells her, what is she going to do? Divorce him? Have her last months spent in even MORE pain?

Who is the husband to decide?He is her husband and father of her kids. Imagine what an information like that could do to the whole family...She might be gone soon knowing her last days were bullsh*it with him. She does not have time to accept this and move on. Again, if she was healthy, id go for the honesty, but she is terminal ill, she doesnt have time to understand this.

 

How "dare" we not understand what SHE is going through? Really? How DARE she or you presume either of you know what is best for the wife! How DARE she be thinking about marrying some guy while the wife is fighting cancer! How dare she be upset that she isn't #1 right now while this woman agonizes over leaving her children and not being there for them as they grow up. How dare we not sympathize with her? How dare she not sympathize with the wife and talk about winning her prize when the wife dies - the prize being the wife's perfect husband!

 

I think im paying the price for using the dare word I was reffereing to the OW in here, people that already are not so moral to begin with. If you're an OW and judge this situation, its just not logical for me. I did assume though that all the posters are OW, which is not true. If we were in another section, we could be more in detail about the whole situation, but being in the OW/OM section, i instantly assume that we should support each other. Sunshine clarified that the "prize" word was a bad choice already.

 

Think about how you would feel to find out that your father was banging someone else while your mother lay dying! Think about how you would feel to find out your child's spouse was out getting some while they lay dying. Don't throw judgments at those of us who are sickened by this situation.

 

A person doesnt have to be dying to make this not right, thats my point. Its wrong to begin with. If i said this is a great and normal situation, id be crazy. Being an OW myself, i feel torn between two worlds. I am a weak character obviously, no offence but i do think that if someone gets involved in an affair he/she is by deafult somehow weak. Feeling of what is right or wrong are bouncing insanly in my head, this situation is like right or wrongs' hell. The feeling of being torn hits the roof. Everything is right and everything is wrong, thats why we cant agree on anything. OW should be able to understand this. I hope i make sense.

 

 

If this 'relationship' is so amazing and so perfect, then putting the brakes on it and letting HIM deal with his family situation won't 'turn off' his feelings. Letting him deal with the his wife, his kids, funeral and then grieving would be the kindest thing she can do for him. Instead of being all grumpy that he has to cancel their rendevous, she can tell him to go deal with his life and look her up in a year and see where things stand. I mean, if they are JUST PERFECT for each other, a year apart won't be an issue.

 

I totally agree with this part. Although i dont know if sunshine is grumpy or anything, but yes, stepping aside is the best thing she can do.

 

@hissunshine you dont have to go No Contact with him in order to give him space. Try to always meet in public and be there for him as a friend. He will appreciate it. Tell him that he has to be with his family and assure him that you will support him through all of this, but unfortuantly, your position as an OW makes it almost impossible for you to do anything more than just be there for him when he needs to talk.

 

It is hard, but you have to accept you being mostly alone during this time. Assume you are single again and you have a best friend who's wife is dying. FooledOnce is right, if you are "meant to be" 1 year will not be an issue. Try to do stuff for yourself during this time, it always helps. Keep in mind that you may not end up together and most importantly, whatever happens between you two, will start in at least a year. Besides, if he seriously insists of you two having a alot of time together and continuing as any other affair, id be turned off. Situations like this always brings out some peoples real characters.

 

Again, i say all of this as an OW to another. I wouldnt wish this, not even to my worst enemy. Best wishes for recovery! Take care sunshine!