A Different Story

[whichwayisup]

Cancer is sad......and being terminal is sadder and it would be worse if the affair continues while his wife is dying, but hey that just my opinion.

 

I think most follow this train of thought. And, with that said, it's not judgemental. At all.

[NoIDidn't]

This is what I am talking about...Total judgment when you are not even a player.

 

You aren't a player either, so why so much investment in other people's responses and opinions?

 

That's not your job and shouldn't be your concern.

 

Spending your time disputing everyone else makes you look like the problem - not the advice you disagree with.

[eleanor01]

I think you meant "Who would've thought?". Thunk is not a word.

 

I know--it's a colloquialism.

 

Best,

Ellie

[hissunshine]

Hello, we're talking cancer here and this woman has been told she's dying. Damn right he should be there for her and their kids!! It's called OBLIGATION. It's called SUCKING IT UP and thinking of others besides yourself. (not you, general you.)

 

If it were me, I'd want him by my side, helping out, being a father to the kids, taking care of stuff that needs to be taken care of during that time.

 

 

Are you calling his wife selfish because she's dying and wants her husband by her side? W..T..F! What is wrong with him and where are his priorities?

 

And just FYI, I didn't guilt trip the OP, I asked her how she would feel later and also that he more than likely WILL feel guilt and regret if he chooses to continue spending time with her and staying in the affair instead of being with his wife and kids during this time that he'll never ever get back once his wife passes away.

 

It blows me away that so many in this society only think of themselves and their own happiness instead of doing what is right and putting others first (aka his wife and kids above his own feelings.) Maybe I'M old fashioned, or just hate how things have changed across the world that it's become a ME ME ME society and how everybody has to be happy 24/7!

 

He is sucking it up and staying with her. He has not spent one single night away from home since they found out the news. I mean, what else is he supposed to do???? When we got together, she was not sick although there was a small suspicion that she may have been. HE came after ME. He has been in love with me for 4 years! He does not love W anymore like that. She is the mother of his children and instrumental in their lives and that is the reason why he is sticking it through until she dies. If he were selfish, he would have left her before the official news came in that she was sick.

[hissunshine]

OMG. The basic plot of that story is very similar to mine, except that my lover's wife was already sick when he and I got together. Also, my lover loves his wife and we don't really talk specifically (we kind of have, implicitly, e.g., "When we go to New Zealand, we'll have hike the Milford Track") about what's going to happen when she dies. STILL, in spite of the few differences, our stories are just an awful lot alike. Who would've thunk?

 

Hi eleanor. I will have to go and read your posts. Is you MM's wife just sick or is she terminal?

[hissunshine]

Me neither.

 

And, this isn't to make the op feel bad, but with that said she needs to be aware of how her MM is treating the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends, had children with, built a life together.. She's going through the worst time of life and going to die .. All he can think about is divorcing his wife since she couldn't put out for him, so he chose to look elsewhere while she was recovering and now unfortunately her cancer is back and he STILL is having an affair and thinking of sex. Don't get, don't want to get it either. It's just pathetic and sad.. And again, shows how society has changed into a "ME ME ME I have to be happy, fulfilled 24/7 and if I'm not happy ALL the time and my needs aren't being met I'm gonna go outside of the marriage."

 

She has been cancer free for almost 2 years when he came after me. He is still going to every single appointment with her and will be there 24/7 until she dies. If anything, I am the one that is being treated "baddly" right now. I don't come first right now, that is for sure. He has cancelled many dates with me because of her health.

 

So what happens when a guy falls out of love with his wife and in love with an OW? People fall in and out of love everyday. People get divorced everyday, sometimes because of OP and sometimes not. This is a guy that was very willing to do the right thing and leave W. He would have been gone within a 2 or 3 months had the situation been different. But instead of doing what he wanted, he made the only choice he could? I understand what you are all saying but maybe you should think about the big picture instead of focusing on the dying W. My actions have absolutely no positive or negative impact on her health.

[bentnotbroken]

She has been cancer free for almost 2 years when he came after me. He is still going to every single appointment with her and will be there 24/7 until she dies. If anything, I am the one that is being treated "baddly" right now. I don't come first right now, that is for sure. He has cancelled many dates with me because of her health.

 

So what happens when a guy falls out of love with his wife and in love with an OW? People fall in and out of love everyday. People get divorced everyday, sometimes because of OP and sometimes not. This is a guy that was very willing to do the right thing and leave W. He would have been gone within a 2 or 3 months had the situation been different. But instead of doing what he wanted, he made the only choice he could? I understand what you are all saying but maybe you should think about the big picture instead of focusing on the dying W. My actions have absolutely no positive or negative impact on her health.

 

Then he should march his tiresome behind right on over to your house and stay the hell their. Let people who really love her make her last days happy. I will pray with everything I have she recovers. Your actions have no impact...wanna bet, go tell her.

[hissunshine]

Then he should march his tiresome behind right on over to your house and stay the hell their. Let people who really love her make her last days happy. I will pray with everything I have she recovers. Your actions have no impact...wanna bet, go tell her.

 

 

Now why the heck would I tell her???? What would that accomplish? Her husband had been faithful to her for over 20 years. According to him, they had a great marriage for the first 15 years.

 

I thought this forum was for OP and was supposed to be supportive??????? I figured there would be some judgement but this is a little bit much!

[hissunshine]

I know--it's a colloquialism.

 

Best,

Ellie

 

 

Yes Ellie our situations are very similar! I also have told two very trusted friends. One of which thinks I deserve much better than to have to wait around for this guy. My other friend is completely supportive and knows both of us. He thinks that MM is worth waiting for.

[eleanor01]

Hey, Sunshine--

 

My lover's wife is terminally ill and has been for awhile.

 

When I first posted about my situation I received a lot of negative feedback from folks here. However, I also received some very useful input. Your situation is different from mine in several important respects regarding the nature of the affair, my lover's relationship with his wife, and his relationship with me. However, I think that we're in affairs that are enough alike that perhaps you can benefit from some of the great input that I've received.

 

The first was actually very, very harsh, in spite of it being spot-on in an important respect. I think it was KathyM who said something to the effect of: "One of the reasons that I find this kind of affair so distasteful is that the MM and the OW are waiting around for the wife to die." OUCH! And yet, in practical terms, she is completely right. He and I never talk about the nitty gritty of what might happen with us when she dies. We do talk in terms of vaguely-structured "wishes" (e.g., going New Zealand and hiking the Milford Track). But, like Kathy, I too find the "waiting around for her to die" to be completely distasteful. It's just an awful thought to me. I am in love with her husband, but I can't wish for her to die. I just can't.

 

The second piece of input that I've found to be hugely informative is the idea that my lover may feel so guilt-ridden that he can't bear the sight of me after she dies. I can't believe I never thought of that possibility, but those offering up their thoughts on this matter raised an extremely important point. Of course it's a possibility. My lover is kind and he does love his wife. I cannot predict how he's going to feel after his wife dies from an evil, nasty fight with a terminal illness.

 

Worst case: he finds me to be comletely repugnant. Best case: too distasteful to think about very much.

 

I'm going to stay with him, but just by being on here a few days, I have learned a lot from others' perspectives. I hope that you find some of the input here illuminating.

 

I wish you luck.

Ellie

[woinlove]

I agree that if he doesn't love his wife, and he loves you, he should be honest and tell her. He can help arrange care for her if she doesn't have close family to do that. That would be the kindest thing to do if he could focus on her and not focus on his image and what people will think of him when they know an OW is in the picture. To spend her final months or years being betrayed like this is very sad.

 

If you love this man, encourage him to really think of others and not his image and to be honest. Try to get him to put himself in his W's position and whether he would choose to spend his last months or years on earth being deceived by someone who pretends to love him but doesn't. Unless he is a masterful liar and manipulator, the double life is likely already taking its toll on the W and children, even if the W doesn't know why. If he is a masterful liar, well, he'll never do the right thing anyway, so then you would be wasting your time encouraging him to do better.

 

And, because MM are not always honest, please don't count on his W dying within months. If she was cancer free for two years after battling breast cancer, I expect her health was being closely monitored, and many beat a second bout associated with breast cancer and/or manage to hold it at bay for years. If it is still confined to the breast area, one usually would not die within months of detection under a situation where one was being closely monitored for changes prior to detection. MM may not be giving you the complete picture and he may know his W has a good chance of living for years.

[bentnotbroken]

Now why the heck would I tell her???? What would that accomplish? Her husband had been faithful to her for over 20 years. According to him, they had a great marriage for the first 15 years.

 

I thought this forum was for OP and was supposed to be supportive??????? I figured there would be some judgement but this is a little bit much!

 

 

You are right, according to him. I don't know if any of the other posters judged you or not. But I can and will say, your actions are wrong and his are just plain disgusting.

[hissunshine]

Hey, Sunshine--

 

My lover's wife is terminally ill and has been for awhile.

 

When I first posted about my situation I received a lot of negative feedback from folks here. However, I also received some very useful input. Your situation is different from mine in several important respects regarding the nature of the affair, my lover's relationship with his wife, and his relationship with me. However, I think that we're in affairs that are enough alike that perhaps you can benefit from some of the great input that I've received.

 

The first was actually very, very harsh, in spite of it being spot-on in an important respect. I think it was KathyM who said something to the effect of: "One of the reasons that I find this kind of affair so distasteful is that the MM and the OW are waiting around for the wife to die." OUCH! And yet, in practical terms, she is completely right. He and I never talk about the nitty gritty of what might happen with us when she dies. We do talk in terms of vaguely-structured "wishes" (e.g., going New Zealand and hiking the Milford Track). But, like Kathy, I too find the "waiting around for her to die" to be completely distasteful. It's just an awful thought to me. I am in love with her husband, but I can't wish for her to die. I just can't.

 

The second piece of input that I've found to be hugely informative is the idea that my lover may feel so guilt-ridden that he can't bear the sight of me after she dies. I can't believe I never thought of that possibility, but those offering up their thoughts on this matter raised an extremely important point. Of course it's a possibility. My lover is kind and he does love his wife. I cannot predict how he's going to feel after his wife dies from an evil, nasty fight with a terminal illness.

 

Worst case: he finds me to be comletely repugnant. Best case: too distasteful to think about very much.

 

I'm going to stay with him, but just by being on here a few days, I have learned a lot from others' perspectives. I hope that you find some of the input here illuminating.

 

I wish you luck.

Ellie

 

Thanks Ellie! You are right, they are two very important pieces of advice. I really try not to think about it as "waiting for her to die" though. Both MM and I wish everyday that the cards had not fallen this way. But unfortunately there is nothing we can do about her health. If I had that power, I would, without hesitation, make her better.

 

As for him resenting me, I suppose that is quite possible. I guess that is something that I have to think seriously about.

 

We do talk about the future, we call it "someday." He wants to marry me and all of that. We also talk about travelling and the things we will do together. I have never had a guy love me like he does. He does say that he feels selfish though as he says he should never have put in this situation. We have tried to stay away from each other until he is available but we really suck at that!

 

Anyway, thanks for the support Ellie! It is nice to know that someone understands....

[jthorne]

Hey, Sunshine--

 

My lover's wife is terminally ill and has been for awhile.

 

When I first posted about my situation I received a lot of negative feedback from folks here. However, I also received some very useful input. Your situation is different from mine in several important respects regarding the nature of the affair, my lover's relationship with his wife, and his relationship with me. However, I think that we're in affairs that are enough alike that perhaps you can benefit from some of the great input that I've received.

 

The first was actually very, very harsh, in spite of it being spot-on in an important respect. I think it was KathyM who said something to the effect of: "One of the reasons that I find this kind of affair so distasteful is that the MM and the OW are waiting around for the wife to die." OUCH! And yet, in practical terms, she is completely right. He and I never talk about the nitty gritty of what might happen with us when she dies. We do talk in terms of vaguely-structured "wishes" (e.g., going New Zealand and hiking the Milford Track). But, like Kathy, I too find the "waiting around for her to die" to be completely distasteful. It's just an awful thought to me. I am in love with her husband, but I can't wish for her to die. I just can't.

 

The second piece of input that I've found to be hugely informative is the idea that my lover may feel so guilt-ridden that he can't bear the sight of me after she dies. I can't believe I never thought of that possibility, but those offering up their thoughts on this matter raised an extremely important point. Of course it's a possibility. My lover is kind and he does love his wife. I cannot predict how he's going to feel after his wife dies from an evil, nasty fight with a terminal illness.

 

Worst case: he finds me to be comletely repugnant. Best case: too distasteful to think about very much.

 

I'm going to stay with him, but just by being on here a few days, I have learned a lot from others' perspectives. I hope that you find some of the input here illuminating.

 

I wish you luck.

Ellie

Nope that was me, and I stand by those statements.

 

I also stand by the statement that giving support does not mean having sex. In plain English, you do not need to have sex with a married man to provide comfort or support to him.

 

As for both OW, I know people in affairs are motivated by self interest. It's part-and-parcel of an A. But I also know that what goes around, comes around, and I fear that when this blows up in your faces, you may feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later.

 

I don't care one bit if these so-called men love you or not. They have an obligation that they agreed to when they took their marriage vows. It's called "in sickness and in health." And that obligation precludes romantic involvement of an outside party.

 

If either one of you want to maintain your dignity, you would step aside until that obligation is met.

[eleanor01]

Thanks Ellie! You are right, they are two very important pieces of advice. I really try not to think about it as "waiting for her to die" though. Both MM and I wish everyday that the cards had not fallen this way. But unfortunately there is nothing we can do about her health. If I had that power, I would, without hesitation, make her better.

 

As for him resenting me, I suppose that is quite possible. I guess that is something that I have to think seriously about.

 

We do talk about the future, we call it "someday." He wants to marry me and all of that. We also talk about travelling and the things we will do together. I have never had a guy love me like he does. He does say that he feels selfish though as he says he should never have put in this situation. We have tried to stay away from each other until he is available but we really suck at that!

 

Anyway, thanks for the support Ellie! It is nice to know that someone understands....

 

There are more folks on here who understand than you would might think, judging from the responses you've received in this thread. And even many of those who think we are flat-out wrong can offer gems of wisdom. I was also kind of shocked by the harsh replies I got, but a couple of people advised me to take what is useful to me out of the conversations.

 

I have a couple of questions for you. If I'm asking you to reveal more than you're comfortable with, I understand why you wouldn't want to answer. I'll answer my own questions for you (it's only fair).

 

1. How old are you both? (Me: we are both in our early fifties).

2. Are you married? (Me: No. I am divorced and a few years ago I got out of a very bad, abusive relationship with an alcoholic. I was a BS in that one. Well, BSO.

3. Do you have kids? (Me: yes)

4. How did you meet? (Me: small town and although he only moved here so that she could be near her sister after she got sick, our paths cross quite a lot. For example, in the fall we'll probably see each other at Friday night footbal games--it's the big social event of the week in our little town).

5. What is the likelihood that you're going to get caught? (Me: we're very careful, but you never know).

6. What are you looking for here? (Me: I need coping strategies for the longing and loneliness).

 

We can get through this. I know we can.

*HUGS*

Ellie

[eleanor01]

I think you meant "Who would've thought?". Thunk is not a word.

 

*giggle*

 

I just noticed: You have an extraneous period in your critique. There should not be a period after the end quote.

 

So, shall we put on our badges and declare ourselves the grammar police?

 

 

I am so kidding with you. I hope that you laugh at this.

 

Best,

Ellie

[Woman In Blue]

And, because MM are not always honest, please don't count on his W dying within months. If she was cancer free for two years after battling breast cancer, I expect her health was being closely monitored, and many beat a second bout associated with breast cancer and/or manage to hold it at bay for years. If it is still confined to the breast area, one usually would not die within months of detection under a situation where one was being closely monitored for changes prior to detection. MM may not be giving you the complete picture and he may know his W has a good chance of living for years.

A dishonest married man? Why, that just can't be! :lmao::lmao:

 

I, too, would wonder HOW a woman could suddenly be 'terminal' after her first bout of cancer and the subsequent medical followup that's always given. I have a friend who survived testicular cancer and lost a testical to it - he had to go back for testing every 3 months after his surgery, then every 6 months until he got the 'all clear' at 5 years. So I don't get how someone can suddenly be 'terminal' 2 years out - unless she NEVER went to any of her followup visits (which is a bit insane, don't you think?)

 

It's always pretty amazing how the MM - who swears he was all set to leave - is always thwarted by his wife's serious or terminal disease which necessitates his staying. Gosh, but it's funny how that always seems to happen.

[hissunshine]

There are more folks on here who understand than you would might think, judging from the responses you've received in this thread. And even many of those who think we are flat-out wrong can offer gems of wisdom. I was also kind of shocked by the harsh replies I got, but a couple of people advised me to take what is useful to me out of the conversations.

 

I have a couple of questions for you. If I'm asking you to reveal more than you're comfortable with, I understand why you wouldn't want to answer. I'll answer my own questions for you (it's only fair).

 

1. How old are you both? (Me: we are both in our early fifties).

2. Are you married? (Me: No. I am divorced and a few years ago I got out of a very bad, abusive relationship with an alcoholic. I was a BS in that one. Well, BSO.

3. Do you have kids? (Me: yes)

4. How did you meet? (Me: small town and although he only moved here so that she could be near her sister after she got sick, our paths cross quite a lot. For example, in the fall we'll probably see each other at Friday night footbal games--it's the big social event of the week in our little town).

5. What is the likelihood that you're going to get caught? (Me: we're very careful, but you never know).

6. What are you looking for here? (Me: I need coping strategies for the longing and loneliness).

 

We can get through this. I know we can.

*HUGS*

Ellie

 

No problem, Ellie! I will gladly answer your questions:

 

1. I am 33 he is 45

2. I have been divorced for 5 years.

3. I have one little boy

4. We met at work although we do not work together anymore.

5. I think it is unlikely that we get caught although I don't think either of us worry about it. We are not careless by any means as we meet mostly at my house. We occassionally meet in public for lunch although this is completely explanable due to professional reasons.

6. I am looking for support. Things are not easy in the best of times. There are highs and lows, just like any affair but I really believe he is worth waiting for. It is also nice to find someone who understands the situation, like you!

 

And you are right, we can get through this, one way or another!

 

Thanks!

[hissunshine]

A dishonest married man? Why, that just can't be! :lmao::lmao:

 

I, too, would wonder HOW a woman could suddenly be 'terminal' after her first bout of cancer and the subsequent medical followup that's always given. I have a friend who survived testicular cancer and lost a testical to it - he had to go back for testing every 3 months after his surgery, then every 6 months until he got the 'all clear' at 5 years. So I don't get how someone can suddenly be 'terminal' 2 years out - unless she NEVER went to any of her followup visits (which is a bit insane, don't you think?)

 

It's always pretty amazing how the MM - who swears he was all set to leave - is always thwarted by his wife's serious or terminal disease which necessitates his staying. Gosh, but it's funny how that always seems to happen.

 

She has an agressive form of bone cancer that is spreading very quickly. It is also in her lymphnodes and spine. They are not giving her chemo or radiation as there is no point. I had an aunt a few years back with a very similar cancer and she died within 11 months. Anyway, that's all I am going to say as I feel very uncomfortable discussing this women's health!

[summerdowling87]

Now why the heck would I tell her???? What would that accomplish? Her husband had been faithful to her for over 20 years. According to him, they had a great marriage for the first 15 years.

 

I thought this forum was for OP and was supposed to be supportive??????? I figured there would be some judgement but this is a little bit much!

 

 

Ah so he only cheated when she got deathly sick what a stand up guy.

[Minnie09]

Affairs are always rather disgusting, but this story makes me want to puke. I'm just trying to put myself in the W's shoes. It's already a battle to have a cheater at home when you're physically all right, but coping with that when you're terminally ill must be the toughest thing on earth. Don't think she is oblivious. She needs him, she needs support, and what she probably HAS is nothing more than a distant, distracted "caregiver" who is emotionally absent. Now more than ever is she dependent on him to be fully there for her, not only physically, but mainly emotionally, which he can't provide if he's longing for somebody else. That's just so wrong. So morally wrong.

 

And no, OP: He's definitely not a prize. He's unreliable, dishonest and doesn't have his W's back. He pretends to for the outside world. But a genuinely supportive H acts differently. He has morals and integrity. And I really don't care whether or not he has fallen in love with somebody else. It just doesn't matter. He's a cold piece of crap. That's what you'll end up with when his W "finally" passes away. Congrats! I don't want to be you. Seriously. I'm not being sarcastic, and I don't want to be mean, but think about it ONCE without your rose-tinted glasses on. Just once. Thanks.

[Quiet Storm]

HE came after ME. He has been in love with me for 4 years!

 

Okay...and because of this, your sense of right and wrong goes totally out the window? What, you couldn't tell him no?

 

If a homeless alcoholic pursued you and was in love with you, would you value his love?

 

If a convicted felon pursued you and was in love with you, would you value his love?

 

Probably not.

 

But a married dude with a dying wife pursues you, and you feel his love is "special"?

 

A person's actions tell their story, and this guy is pursuing you, putting his time and energy into you, when his wife and the mother of his kids is dying. You said that the first 15 years of their marriage was good...so what changed? She got sick and it wasn't all about him anymore. Poor baby. Her inability to give him the attention, praise and sex to meet HIS NEEDS killed his love for her. Fifteen years and when she really needed him, his love for her "died". Great guy!

 

He loves you because you are available. You are willing to meet his needs, even though his obligations are elsewhere. He has a dying wife, stressed kids, a dismal home life...and you are "his sunshine". Of course he loves you! He is a lucky guy, because most women would run fast and hard from this guy.

 

IMO, he loves you...but not because of your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, or your shining personality. He loves you because you fill a role that his wife is no longer able to fill.

 

What kind of person betrays a wife that he admits he "loved" for fifteen years, in her greatest time of need? And why do you want his brand of "love"?

 

Try and see this guy for who he really is. Take out all the loving words and pillow talk and what do have? Think about that. Why do you feel that this guy's love is valuable? His actions show that he is bottom of the barrel low.

 

I feel sorry for his kids if you are around long enough for them to put this together in their minds. To know that your dad betrayed his mom at her most vulnerable. To know that dad's need for attention and sex trumped his vows, trumped his integrity. To have your mom die and the one that's left to care for you is this shallow and selfish... those poor kids:(

 

Oh, and don't rule out the fact that his cancer story is his excuse to not commit to you. MM have been known to tell some huge whoppers to keep their OW on the hook just a little longer.

 

I apologize that I am harsh, but I am just calling it the way I see it. It's all JMO, take it or leave it.

Edited August 7, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[hissunshine]

Okay...and because of this, your sense of right and wrong goes totally out the window? What, you couldn't tell him no?

 

If a homeless alcoholic pursued you and was in love with you, would you value his love?

 

If a convicted felon pursued you and was in love with you, would you value his love?

 

Probably not.

 

But a married dude with a dying wife pursues you, and you feel his love is "special"?

 

A person's actions tell their story, and this guy is pursuing you, putting his time and energy into you, when his wife and the mother of his kids is dying. You said that the first 15 years of their marriage was good...so what changed? She got sick and it wasn't all about him anymore. Poor baby. Her inability to give him the attention, praise and sex to meet HIS NEEDS killed his love for her. Fifteen years and when she really needed him, his love for her "died". Great guy!

 

He loves you because you are available. You are willing to meet his needs, even though his obligations are elsewhere. He has a dying wife, stressed kids, a dismal home life...and you are "his sunshine". Of course he loves you! He is a lucky guy, because most women would run fast and hard from this guy.

 

IMO, he loves you...but not because of your thoughts, your feelings, your dreams, or your shining personality. He loves you because you fill a role that his wife is no longer able to fill.

 

What kind of person betrays a wife that he admits he "loved" for fifteen years, in her greatest time of need? And why do you want his brand of "love"?

 

Try and see this guy for who he really is. Take out all the loving words and pillow talk and what do have? Think about that. Why do you feel that this guy's love is valuable? His actions show that he is bottom of the barrel low.

 

I feel sorry for his kids if you are around long enough for them to put this together in their minds. To know that your dad betrayed his mom at her most vulnerable. To know that dad's need for attention and sex trumped his vows, trumped his integrity. To have your mom die and the one that's left to care for you is this shallow and selfish... those poor kids:(

 

Oh, and don't rule out the fact that his cancer story is his excuse to not commit to you. MM have been known to tell some huge whoppers to keep their OW on the hook just a little longer.

 

I apologize that I am harsh, but I am just calling it the way I see it. It's all JMO, take it or leave it.

 

Thank you for your honest post. I will definitively think about and consider what you are saying as I think it does make a lot of sense.

[fooled once]

The more I think about this subject the more I want to puke in my mouth. I really can't think of much worse than to betray someone who is dying. Yes.......I get that before this happened he wanted a divorce, but I don't see how anyone could do that to someone who is dying. I would hope it changes his mind. It speaks to the utmost selfishness and that isn't even taking into account what it would do to the kids.......losing their mother and maybe finding out their dad was having an affair while their mother was dying. That would truly be devastating to the kids.

 

I agree BB. I find it quite disheartening to read how this scum of a man is busy getting his rocks off while his wife lays dying. Yeah, it is so important he have sex; goodness, nothing better stand in his way!

 

He is sucking it up and staying with her. He has not spent one single night away from home since they found out the news. I mean, what else is he supposed to do???? When we got together, she was not sick although there was a small suspicion that she may have been. HE came after ME. He has been in love with me for 4 years! He does not love W anymore like that. She is the mother of his children and instrumental in their lives and that is the reason why he is sticking it through until she dies. If he were selfish, he would have left her before the official news came in that she was sick.

 

Sucking it up????? Are you serious? I am thinking he is feeding you all kinds of bull. You think he is a great guy because he is SUCKING IT UP and staying with this woman while she dies? Oh, and I am so so sorry he hadn't gotten a chance to spend the night having sex with you while his wife is dying. I know how utterly lonely you must be.

 

What is he supposed to do? He is supposed to tell you goodbye and focus on his dying wife and comforting his children. He shouldn't have to worry about making sure you are okay. He shouldn't even be thinking about YOU period. He came after you? And you don't know the word no? You didn't know he was married? You didn't know it isn't a smart idea to get involved with a married man? She is instrumental in their lives? OMG, have you re-read what you have posted??? He has been "in love" with you for 4 years? So why didn't he leave 4 years ago? Why didn't he quit disrespecting HIS WIFE and go run off with you???? God, I hope his wife finds out before she dies. I hope she finds out and outs him and you to everyone.

 

She has been cancer free for almost 2 years when he came after me. He is still going to every single appointment with her and will be there 24/7 until she dies. If anything, I am the one that is being treated "baddly" right now. I don't come first right now, that is for sure. He has cancelled many dates with me because of her health.

 

So what happens when a guy falls out of love with his wife and in love with an OW? People fall in and out of love everyday. People get divorced everyday, sometimes because of OP and sometimes not. This is a guy that was very willing to do the right thing and leave W. He would have been gone within a 2 or 3 months had the situation been different. But instead of doing what he wanted, he made the only choice he could? I understand what you are all saying but maybe you should think about the big picture instead of focusing on the dying W. My actions have absolutely no positive or negative impact on her health.

 

He is right there with her 24/7? So when are you meeting with him? So you haven't seen him or heard from him since the news of her being terminal was discussed?

 

You are being treated "Badly"?? By who? By him for NOT telling his dying wife he has to go have sex with his mistress? You are complaining that he has canceled dates with you? Are you for real? I am sure his wife doesn't realize that you are not the priority right now. I am sure if she knew how her impending death was intruding on your love life, she would shove HER HUSBAND out the door so he could go have dinner and sex with you.

 

Maybe YOU should think of the dying wife and not the "prize" you think you are going to get once she dies. Are you going to allow time for grieving? Are you going to expect HIS kids to embrace you and start calling you mommy a week after the funeral? Do you really have so little respect for this dying woman that you can't step aside and leave this guy alone? Can you not be selfish and complain about NOT BEING #1 priority right now? I am just blown away by the lack of compassion and empathy being show to the wife by you. You seem to feel as if she has purposefully become terminal to mess with YOUR life; your life with HER husband. Is this the type of behavior you think is a good thing for you child? Do you really think her family (and his) will not figure out what has been going on? How will you feel when confronted with the truth? And the MM - he is totally totally going to lose the respect of so many because of the affair. And it will come out.

 

Thanks Ellie! You are right, they are two very important pieces of advice. I really try not to think about it as "waiting for her to die" though. Both MM and I wish everyday that the cards had not fallen this way. But unfortunately there is nothing we can do about her health. If I had that power, I would, without hesitation, make her better.

 

As for him resenting me, I suppose that is quite possible. I guess that is something that I have to think seriously about.

 

We do talk about the future, we call it "someday." He wants to marry me and all of that. We also talk about travelling and the things we will do together. I have never had a guy love me like he does. He does say that he feels selfish though as he says he should never have put in this situation. We have tried to stay away from each other until he is available but we really suck at that!

 

Anyway, thanks for the support Ellie! It is nice to know that someone understands....

 

Please do not say things like "you and MM wish every day that the cards had not fallen this way". That is ridiculous. You have no concern for his wife, besides the fact that she is standing in the way of you and her husband. It is going to totally suck for you if she hangs on for another year or two.

 

How are you going to do all this traveling with small children? Do you expect him to dump them off on someone else? Do you realize these children will for years be haunted by their mother's death? You do realize you cannot step into her shoes, even though you are sleeping with her husband.

 

Tried to stay away from each other...how exactly? He should be tending to her and the kids. That should occupy all his time. But I am betting that doesn't make you very happy. Why not leave him alone until after the funeral? Why can't you just step back and tell him to leave you alone and to focus on his wife? Why can't you do that? Why do you need to be so involved in this affair while his wife is dying? Why can't you let her die in peace? Why can't you show compassion to a woman dying and not make it about you?

 

I am very sorry if my views upset you. I am so upset by what you have posted. I cannot believe you think her death will give you some "prize". I hate what has happened to this world and all the selfish, self centered actions that have replaced common decency and caring. I can't believe this 'man' is cheating on his dying wife. He is laughing in her face. He is playing "good guy" to her and the kids, when in reality, he is a dirt bag who only cares about getting off. If he loves you do damn much, he would have left years ago. But he didn't. So now you two sit and wish a woman would hurry up and die so you can get married and travel. This is just too much

[NoIDidn't]

She has been cancer free for almost 2 years when he came after me. He is still going to every single appointment with her and will be there 24/7 until she dies. If anything, I am the one that is being treated "baddly" right now. I don't come first right now, that is for sure. He has cancelled many dates with me because of her health.

 

So what happens when a guy falls out of love with his wife and in love with an OW? People fall in and out of love everyday. People get divorced everyday, sometimes because of OP and sometimes not. This is a guy that was very willing to do the right thing and leave W. He would have been gone within a 2 or 3 months had the situation been different. But instead of doing what he wanted, he made the only choice he could? I understand what you are all saying but maybe you should think about the big picture instead of focusing on the dying W. My actions have absolutely no positive or negative impact on her health.

 

 

I have re-read this post and the OP a few times and I can't come up with a reason that he no longer loved his W other than the fact that she was unable to have sex with him because of her cancer and the treatment for about four years.

 

Now, I see that the last time it happened was a year before you two started your A and that was after the cancer went into remission, right? So she gets sick again and his thoughts go to "no more sex" again and starts an affair with you? Would that be an accurate portrayal of what's been said so far?

 

I ask because I see a man that used to stare at you in meetings and whenever he saw you before his W was even sick - and this would have been during the time that she didn't have the first cancer diagnosis, I think. This would have included the years that he said they had a perfect marriage. Please correct me if I misunderstood the timeline given in the OP.

 

This situation makes me think about what Newt Gingrich was rumored to have done to his second W when she was in the hospital with cancer in telling her at that moment that he wanted a divorce and leaving her. I've never followed up on that story, so I don't know if she was terminal or if she passed or anything yet. But from what we've witnessed in the news, it doesn't seem like many respect his new W seeing how she was seeing him while his W was dealing with cancer. The big deal that was made about her demanding to continue their plans for a European Cruise when he needed to be campaigning and the Tiffany's Jewelry account brouhaha were all ways that the media were saying loud and clear that they don't respect him or his new wife considering how they came to be. I'm not saying that the Media was right in handling him in that way, but it seems they were more fixated on who he is, his character, than on his policies. You don't want people to remember you for what you did than for who you are.

 

I know you can't help that his W is sick, but you don't have to be the woman taking his attention away emotionally from his W. I hope my including the politicians that have experienced this isn't distasteful, especially the John Edwards reference. It seems he truly regrets his actions and the courts, the political parties, his enemies, and even his late W will never let him forget the evil he visited on a sick woman (and even the innocent child he denied).

 

People have a tendency of blaming the woman in these situations. She's the one that should have been able to put herself in the dying woman's shoes, especially if the man was too distraught to be thinking clearly, is generally the thinking. That being mothers, and knowing we wouldn't want anyone to ever do this to our own mothers, that we would never do this to the children of the woman that is dying or to the woman dying. I can't understand why you feel you will be getting a prize when his W actually dies. I think this is why so many are posting so harshly to the OP. It just comes across like when she dies, you plan to celebrate your great fortune at her great misfortune. I'm not saying that you will, just that prize comment makes it seem so. I would only hope that if you were happy that you not show it to him, it could possibly be the biggest turn off he didn't realize he was going to have.