A Different Story

[whichwayisup]

For the 2 years you were with him when she was cancer free, why didn't he divorce then? If he truly is in love with you, he could have chosen to leave and divorce when she was in remission. I'm just sayin'..

[NoIDidn't]

I just researched the Gingrich bit, and his first wife, it wasn't his second - she had MS when he left her, is still alive. The story has had several iterations over the years, but mostly it boils down to them already being in divorce proceedings by the time the "dumping her in the hospital" story took root.

 

She apparently requested the divorce seeing as he was cheating on her. She also was not terminal.

 

(Sorry Newt and family for dragging you into this)

[eleanorrigby]

If the BW actually only has months to live, why can't he "suck it up" and give her his complete attention till she passes on? *smh*

[whichwayisup]

If the BW actually only has months to live, why can't he "suck it up" and give her his complete attention till she passes on? *smh*

 

Exactly. And this is what I meant by sacrifice. This guy can't give up sex? It's that important that he has another woman to be there for him to help him through this? Hello, that's what being around FAMILY is for! His kids, his in-laws, sister or brother in-law, etc.. No, instead he needs the comfort of another woman to get him through this, to be his support system.

 

Sadly, I think that things will not be what the OP hopes it to be once his wife passes away. Life is not going to go easy and their plans of getting married and having a new life together so quickly after his wife is gone from this world may take A LOT longer than expected, if at all. Those kids are going to be devastated and won't want to deal with a new step mom, and step brother..

 

Anyway, I do hope his wife isn't suffering too much. That type of cancer is awful and quite painful.

[heartinlove]

My mother was in this situation with my father. She wanted to leave the marriage to be with someone else that she was in love with and told him the truth. He didn't want her to leave. His cancer returned a month later and went to stage 4. At that point my mother couldn't live with herself if she left my father while he was dying. She ended her affair completely and stayed with my father the last two years of his life by his side every step of the way. She said it was the best decision she ever made. After my father died she met another man and has the most incredible marriage.

 

I also have another family member who wanted to leave his marriage(no affair) and his wife then got cancer. He waited an extra 2 years until she was well again before he then left.

 

Have you and MM talked about ending the affair while his wife is sick, and if she recovers then he can leave the marriage or if she does die then you two can be together.

 

I understand he was in love with you before the cancer returned and it will be hard to not be in contact with you, but don't you think that is the best way to go about this. If you two are meant to be together, you will be. I also know that is easier said than done.

 

I also think that it is good the MM is not leaving his wife while she is sick. That is to be commended, but I am curious why he didn't leave while she was well.

[eleanor01]

Nope that was me, and I stand by those statements.

 

I also stand by the statement that giving support does not mean having sex. In plain English, you do not need to have sex with a married man to provide comfort or support to him.

 

As for both OW, I know people in affairs are motivated by self interest. It's part-and-parcel of an A. But I also know that what goes around, comes around, and I fear that when this blows up in your faces, you may feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later.

 

I don't care one bit if these so-called men love you or not. They have an obligation that they agreed to when they took their marriage vows. It's called "in sickness and in health." And that obligation precludes romantic involvement of an outside party.

 

If either one of you want to maintain your dignity, you would step aside until that obligation is met.

 

Okay. Really. This is a bit much. jthorne, I don't see how you can possibly construe this as being helpful or supportive. You're condemning both of us, lecturing to us, and moralizing. Even if you disagree with the choices we've made (even vehemently disagree), you're never going to convert anyone to your side by talking to them like that.

 

When you say, "I fear that when this blows up in your faces, you may feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later," I believe that what you really mean is, "I am enjoying the vision of this blowing up in your faces, and you will feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later." I can almost hear your cackles from here.

 

Really, you're just being unkind now.

 

Best,

Ellie

[bentnotbroken]

Okay. Really. This is a bit much. jthorne, I don't see how you can possibly construe this as being helpful or supportive. You're condemning both of us, lecturing to us, and moralizing. Even if you disagree with the choices we've made (even vehemently disagree), you're never going to convert anyone to your side by talking to them like that.

 

When you say, "I fear that when this blows up in your faces, you may feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later," I believe that what you really mean is, "I am enjoying the vision of this blowing up in your faces, and you will feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later." I can almost hear your cackles from here.

 

Really, you're just being unkind now.

 

Best,

Ellie

 

 

Who is really looking to convert anyone? Seriously....we all have our views and typically no one is going to change them when we are pretty sure we are right in what we believe and how we behave. No one is going to stop you from doing what you feel is right and no one is going to stop the next person who believes in calling wrong when they see it as wrong. As the old saying goes....take it if you can use it, leave it if you can't.

[ladydesigner]

This thread stinks:sick: I am blown away by this. Anyways normally I am pretty understanding of both sides, but in this case I'm not so sure. OP hope you never get a sickness that affects your sex life. You may be in the same position as his poor wife one day.

[TurboGirl]

This thread stinks:sick: I am blown away by this. Anyways normally I am pretty understanding of both sides, but in this case I'm not so sure. OP hope you never get a sickness that affects your sex life. You may be in the same position as his poor wife one day.

 

So true. My thoughts exactly. I can't believe that any woman with an ounce of self respect would start something with a MM who has a wife who is in the process of dying! It's all about YOU and what YOU want, and hey, they MM is totally wanting some sex by this point, so why not, right?

 

To the OP - you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't see the forest for the trees. Do you think that he is going to "choose you" after his W passes? He will think about what a louse he was to start something when his wife was dying, and then take one look at you and think: OMG, there is my partner in crime, a constant reminder of what a jerk I was to that poor woman. And you, OP, will be out the door mighty quick.

 

First of all, the MM here... what a great catch he woud be! W is sick, so let me go & sleep around on her. Is this the standard that any woman with any sense would want in her life?

 

FYI, I am former OW... and I understand all about the "love" you feel for each other, but the fact that the W is terminally ill - beyond horrible.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, it certainly isn't "A Different Story," is it?

 

How many times have we heard the "terminally ill wife" version of the extramarital drama?

 

I realize that it's often true. It's also a really good story for a wandering man to use. I've seen it on soap operas, too.

[jthorne]

Okay. Really. This is a bit much.

Really? Respectfully, can you not see how other people might find the subject of this thread a bit much? No matter what my perspectives are, people don't look kindly upon this behavior, as evidenced by many of the responses- which frankly, I think some of them were harsher than mine.

Even if you disagree with the choices we've made (even vehemently disagree),

vehement would be an understatement.

you're never going to convert anyone to your side by talking to them like that.

I'm not trying to convert anyone, just offer my perspective. You may have read a couple of my other posts, to know that I am the daughter of a terminally ill parent. My perspective comes from that place. If I ever found out that a parent cheated on a person I love at their lowest, weakest, most vunerable time in their lives, you'd better believe heads would roll. Further, I am close to both parents, and would consider that a double betrayal. As such, I'd be pretty likely to make the AP's lives living hell.

 

Please don't fool yourself into thinking that the children won't find out. Unless they live in another state, and are complete disengaged from their parents, they will figure it out. And trust me, unless they also already know of daddy's philandering ways, they won't like it one bit.

 

Even kids aren't an issue, the WS at some point is going to need to mourn the loss of a loved one. Even when WS divorce, they typically need some time to mourn the loss of the M. This will be compounded by the terminal illness.

 

When you say, "I fear that when this blows up in your faces, you may feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later," I believe that what you really mean is, "I am enjoying the vision of this blowing up in your faces, and you will feel very ashamed by your self-centered behavior later." I can almost hear your cackles from here.

Nope. That would mean that someone got hurt needlessly. And the needless part is my point. One that others have made as well. If they person is so ill, why not wait until they pass?

 

I don't know if you read my post about the barber and his OW. That woman was actually known as a very nice woman until the secret got out. Now, she's basically shunned by the entire town. She can't show her face in church. She can't get a decent date. Sure, men come her way, but they only want one thing. And they think she'll give it to them, because they know she already has in the most disgusting of circumstances (their words, not mine.) Her kids won't have a thing to do with her. Her life is ruined here. That's not my judgment or moralizing, that's a true story.

 

Really, you're just being unkind now.

I'm sorry Ellie. I really don't mean to be unkind, but I find this statement ironic beyond belief. Really.

 

Who is really looking to convert anyone? Seriously....we all have our views and typically no one is going to change them when we are pretty sure we are right in what we believe and how we behave. No one is going to stop you from doing what you feel is right and no one is going to stop the next person who believes in calling wrong when they see it as wrong. As the old saying goes....take it if you can use it, leave it if you can't.

Thank you, bent. I am not trying to convert anyone. I'm just trying to get someone to look beyone their own selfish wants and consider another persepective.

[Fight4Me]

I'm curious if his terminally ill wife has a life insurance policy and whether that wasn't part of his motivation for "waiting it out." If there is any decency left in him, he would convince her to change the policy to make their children the sole beneficiaries, and for that money to be set aside for their futures (college, etc.).

 

I'm not holding my breath, though.

[bentnotbroken]

I was thinking some more about this. No matter how a person tries to sweeten it up, white wash it or make it sound not so repulsive. It still IS.

 

If this man is telling the truth, (which I wonder about as we all know some men have told some heinous lies), then the very least he could do is stop the affair and concentrate on his wife and children. Also IF he isn't strong enough to do it, the ow should have the proper empathy for him and his wife and kids, she would remove herself. Someone needs to be the unselfish one here!

 

 

Not in this case. It is going to take divine intervention.

[Woman In Blue]

HisSunshine, when someone is showing you who they ARE, don't ignore it. I'm sure there was a time in his wife's life when she was being told the same things YOU are - that she was the love of his life and blah blah blah.

 

Until she wasn't able to meet his needs due to a debilitating illness. Then all bets were off, eh?

 

REAL character is shown by the things you do when no one is looking. While everyone's watching, he's "sucking it up and sacrificing his OWN happiness" to do the right thing and stand by his wife. That's not character - that's a performance.

 

When no one is looking however, his real character is displayed. He's sneaking off and having an affair because the poor, poor creature has NEEDS, don't you know?

 

One more little thought I'd like to interject. What happens if this "terminal cancer" story is true, and after her death, you and MM get together like you both claim will happen? What happens if you get an inoperable brain tumor and the quality of your life goes downhill where you become unable to care for yourself? What happens if you get a debilitating neurological disease that puts you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life, with extremely limited mobility and you can no longer perform like a trained seal for him in the bedroom? After seeing his true character (not the fake personna he displays for everyone playing the dedicated husband) do you honestly believe he's going to step up to the plate for you if you're in this position? Do you honestly think he'll be dedicated to your care and always concerned with YOU and not his own needs? Do you really believe his first loyalty will be to YOU when you can no longer give him what he needs?

 

Honestly?

 

I think it's going to be a very long and hard fall from grace if you do end up with this selfish, self-centered jackass. And when it DOES happen to you, you'll have no one to blame but yourself, because you knew exactly who he IS. He shows you every single day.

[SidLyon]

I'm a BW and I see how pretty much everyone is condemning the OP and the MM on this thread. Some of the OW posters are especially critical and cruel. I agree that the behaviour of the OW/MM is reprehensible; but really, much of what is being said about the OP and MM could be equally applied to any OW and MM in any affair.

 

It's just more betrayal people, perhaps a little worse than "vanilla" betrayal where there's no suggestion or actuality of death of a BW. But it's the deception, dishonesty and manipulation of the BW that's the main problem here.

 

It looks a lot to me like the critical OW in particular are saying "well I would never do that" in order to make themselves look better.

 

My fWH when having his affair did in fact tell the OW that I had a heart condition and made it out to be much more serious than it actually was. They also used the marital bed, the topic of yet another thread where some OW are critical of other OW who have used the marital bed.

 

In the end it was the OW's BH who died of his heart condition; and no my fWH and the OW did not end up together afterwards. Probably too disgusted with each other. And yes I read all the "soulmate" e-mails that were sent between them.

 

Amazingly we and our marriage are surviving and even thriving right now...

 

All the details are disgusting to the BW not just some.

Edited August 9, 2011 by SidLyon

[Spark1111]

I don't know what to say here....

 

My oldest childhood friend Ellen was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer when we were just 32....

 

We spent 10 months in and out of hospitals watching her fight with everything she had to survive. She signed on for every experimental treatment available and it was horrific.

 

At the end, when we all knew she wouldn't be coming out of the hospital, she turned to her SO and gave him permission to go have his sexual needs met elsewhere.

 

He was touched that she would do that, but he was horrified she would even think he would need to as it was the last thing on his mind as he held her hand and slept on the hospital couch every night.

 

Months after she died, we stayed in touch and supported each other in our grief. I told him Ellen would not want him to be alone and when he was ready, he would find someone else.

 

He eventually started dating but it was abysmal until he called me up one day and said "Spark, I think I have finally met someone..."

 

"How do you know?" I asked.

 

"Because she never gets sick and tired of hearing me talk about Ellen and what she meant to my life."

 

He married her.

[no expectations]

but really, much of what is being said about the OP and MM could be equally applied to any OW and MM in any affair.

 

It's just more betrayal people, perhaps a little worse than "vanilla" betrayal where there's no suggestion or actuality of death of a BW. But it's the deception, dishonesty and manipulation of the BW that's the main problem here.

 

Finally...you said what I've been afraid to say. My skin is not quite thick enough to chime in on my own opinion on some of these threads. I haven't posted much but have been a reader here for literally years. Betrayal is betrayal...so often I read where xOW have their own "shade" of betrayal that didn't make it quite so bad on their part, etc. It all smacks of "I'm not quite as bad as you are" because of this or that nuance. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck...well, you know.

[TurboGirl]

 

It looks a lot to me like the critical OW in particular are saying "well I would never do that" in order to make themselves look better.

 

 

FYI, many of us are former OW, so suggest that you not lump everyone in one group.

[ladydesigner]

I don't know what to say here....

 

My oldest childhood friend Ellen was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer when we were just 32....

 

We spent 10 months in and out of hospitals watching her fight with everything she had to survive. She signed on for every experimental treatment available and it was horrific.

 

At the end, when we all knew she wouldn't be coming out of the hospital, she turned to her SO and gave him permission to go have his sexual needs met elsewhere.

 

He was touched that she would do that, but he was horrified she would even think he would need to as it was the last thing on his mind as he held her hand and slept on the hospital couch every night.

 

Months after she died, we stayed in touch and supported each other in our grief. I told him Ellen would not want him to be alone and when he was ready, he would find someone else.

 

He eventually started dating but it was abysmal until he called me up one day and said "Spark, I think I have finally met someone..."

 

"How do you know?" I asked.

 

"Because she never gets sick and tired of hearing me talk about Ellen and what she meant to my life."

 

He married her.

 

Thank you for sharing this Spark. What a beautiful love he had for his wife. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I only hope my H would feel this way if in this position. I think he would.

[serial muse]

Thank you for sharing this Spark. What a beautiful love he had for his wife. I'm sorry you lost your friend. I only hope my H would feel this way if in this position. I think he would.

 

I agree...isn't Spark's story what we all really want in a partner? Someone who will be there in sickness and in health?

 

As was said upthread - when someone shows you who he is, believe him.

 

OP, this is how this man deals with difficulty. It sounds to me like he's just terrified of being alone when his wife dies - and so he's lining someone (you) up so that he doesn't have to be. I am really not saying that out of cruelty or anger; but the fact that he wanted to leave her when she got sick is extremely telling. This is not a do-right guy. This is not a man you can count on. This is a man who is looking for someone to take away his pain for him, because he can't face it himself. This is a coward.

 

Is that really what you want for yourself?? Wouldn't you rather find someone who has a solid core of courage and strength, and demonstrates that through his actions every day?

[Spark1111]

I agree...isn't Spark's story what we all really want in a partner? Someone who will be there in sickness and in health?

 

As was said upthread - when someone shows you who he is, believe him.

 

OP, this is how this man deals with difficulty. It sounds to me like he's just terrified of being alone when his wife dies - and so he's lining someone (you) up so that he doesn't have to be. I am really not saying that out of cruelty or anger; but the fact that he wanted to leave her when she got sick is extremely telling. This is not a do-right guy. This is not a man you can count on. This is a man who is looking for someone to take away his pain for him, because he can't face it himself. This is a coward.

 

Is that really what you want for yourself?? Wouldn't you rather find someone who has a solid core of courage and strength, and demonstrates that through his actions every day?

 

One good man. And it is not THIS man.

 

This man is scared and lonely and facing one of the worst stressors in his life. You are his fall back girl right now, the one who takes his mind and body away from his problems.

 

I predict he will not marry you.

 

Should this wife die, there is the potential to be more guilt, self-loathing, recrimination, and fall out than is imaginable for you right now. You stand a good chance of being blamed (unfairly) for his behavior.

 

This is no way to start a long term relationship. Waaaay too much baggage.

 

Get out now.

[no expectations]

One good man. And it is not THIS man.

 

This man is scared and lonely and facing one of the worst stressors in his life. You are his fall back girl right now, the one who takes his mind and body away from his problems.

 

I predict he will not marry you.

 

Should this wife die, there is the potential to be more guilt, self-loathing, recrimination, and fall out than is imaginable for you right now. You stand a good chance of being blamed (unfairly) for his behavior.

 

This is no way to start a long term relationship. Waaaay too much baggage.

 

Get out now.

 

This is great advice hissunshine...I wish I had received and listened to this advice when I had the chance. Its so easy to tell yourself that "your love is different" but this man is headed for wreckage beyond anything the two of you have ever seen. RUN from this. Don't walk....run.

[waytogo]

Something for OP to consider. I once had a SO who was addicted to drugs. He told me I was his reason to get well. I was told and read once a person gets rid of drugs, they often move away from those that knew mostly due emmbarrassment. Supportive me, found this to be mostly true.

 

He tried to keep me around, I guess for default purposes. He relapsed and died from it. Exactly what I feared for him if he tried clean.

 

This man has you here to pick up his (vomit, anxiety, whatever he asks of you) and you do it. I sincerely think you will be a part of the guilt memory to be flushed if his W does not get well.

 

I'm going to leave a benefit of the doubt, but the tone of waiting for a woman, mother, sister, daughter to die for you to have a prize is sickening. I truly hope for your own well being this is not your attitude as it could look this way.

[hissunshine]

One good man. And it is not THIS man.

 

This man is scared and lonely and facing one of the worst stressors in his life. You are his fall back girl right now, the one who takes his mind and body away from his problems.

 

I predict he will not marry you.

 

Should this wife die, there is the potential to be more guilt, self-loathing, recrimination, and fall out than is imaginable for you right now. You stand a good chance of being blamed (unfairly) for his behavior.

 

This is no way to start a long term relationship. Waaaay too much baggage.

 

Get out now.

 

Thanks Spark. These are all things I had not thought of because I am so wrapped up in this. I guess that is why I posted my story. I need a different view point than my own.

[hissunshine]

HisSunshine, when someone is showing you who they ARE, don't ignore it. I'm sure there was a time in his wife's life when she was being told the same things YOU are - that she was the love of his life and blah blah blah.

 

Until she wasn't able to meet his needs due to a debilitating illness. Then all bets were off, eh?

 

REAL character is shown by the things you do when no one is looking. While everyone's watching, he's "sucking it up and sacrificing his OWN happiness" to do the right thing and stand by his wife. That's not character - that's a performance.

 

When no one is looking however, his real character is displayed. He's sneaking off and having an affair because the poor, poor creature has NEEDS, don't you know?

 

One more little thought I'd like to interject. What happens if this "terminal cancer" story is true, and after her death, you and MM get together like you both claim will happen? What happens if you get an inoperable brain tumor and the quality of your life goes downhill where you become unable to care for yourself? What happens if you get a debilitating neurological disease that puts you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life, with extremely limited mobility and you can no longer perform like a trained seal for him in the bedroom? After seeing his true character (not the fake personna he displays for everyone playing the dedicated husband) do you honestly believe he's going to step up to the plate for you if you're in this position? Do you honestly think he'll be dedicated to your care and always concerned with YOU and not his own needs? Do you really believe his first loyalty will be to YOU when you can no longer give him what he needs?

 

Honestly?

 

I think it's going to be a very long and hard fall from grace if you do end up with this selfish, self-centered jackass. And when it DOES happen to you, you'll have no one to blame but yourself, because you knew exactly who he IS. He shows you every single day.

 

Wow, this makes a lot of sense, really it does. It is so easy for me to think this is different, he is different and things will turn out fine in the end. I don't think I would necessarily be worried about him cheating on me but you right, what happens if I got sick? That would be the first thing that would run through my mind. I have always believed that actions speak louder than words. I somehow have chosen to ignore that here.