"I don't live to entertain you"

[CatNtheHat]

you could move out before he gets home. that's what i would do.

 

he was mean and insensitive - and wasn't considering at all how you may feel. he's been gone for 9 days and he's basically saying f-u... he's banking on you just being home to provide him sex when he gets there - but he can ignore you and have you as an after thought and you will still be home wagging your tail when he arrives. no thank you!

 

send a message to him... move out and don't tell him. since he treats his woman with disrespect and disregard ---> she moved!

 

there are men out there who WILL make you their priority. it's just not this guy.

 

 

for me that is a little extreme. this isn't how it usually is with him. He his a pretty great guy that like everyone else, has faults. He has some work do to on his sensitivity thats for sure.

[vsmini]

If you guys have a healthy relationship then you should be able to talk to him about this. Simply saying "I'm not going to initiate plans anymore" isn't exactly the best way to go about it. It's passive-aggressive and will lead to frustration and anger in the long run.

 

He's working. It's work. Since he gets home so late maybe it's best if you stay up a little later for him. If that idea makes you upset you have to think about why it makes you upset - is there some kind of a power struggle going on in the relationship? If so - that needs to be nipped right away. On both sides.

 

Be honest with yourself and remember that you'll always have to compromise in a relationship and sometimes people say snide remarks to the ones they love. It's up to you to get wise and figure out if he was just feeling a lot of pressure and was being insensitive or if it's a deep-rooted relationship issue.

 

I wouldn't suggest sweeping the small mess under the rug, be passive aggressive about the issue and letting it get out of hand.

[Buck Turgidson]

When people go on business trips, their regular business piles up at the home office. While you've been looking forward to his triumphant return, he's probably been dreading coming back to an enormous backlog of work, all of which is going to be behind already, if not overdue, just because of the trip. He's probably been brooding over it and strategizing just how the heck he's going to get all that done.

 

And he expects you to read his mind--- that there's no way he can take any time off work after a trip because he has twelve metric craploads of work waiting for him when he gets back. He was probably fantasizing you'd help him get through all that work by giving him the time he needs to do it, and so snapped when you demanded he leave it for private time with you (and fall even further behind at the office, allowing yet even more work to accumulate).

 

He could have been something other than utterly rude about it, but there it is. FitChick has some great ideas.

[grkBoy]

My boyfriend is away on business. He comes back on Tuesday and come that time he will be away 9 days. This evening we spoke on the phone and I asked him if he could take Wednesday out of work so we could spend time together, he said he couldn't, which I understand. But than I asked him if he could come home an hour earlier than usual so we can go to dinner or something. He said he didn't think he could leave early and I asked why. He answered me by asking why I was being so demanding. I just told him it would be nice to see him after 9 days, and he said he "didn't live to entertain me" Nice huh? The comment hurt my feelings and I told him that and than we started arguing (on the phone) and he hung up on me.

 

Since he hung up on me, I'm obviously not going to chase him. Honestly just makes me want to avoid his calls the next 3 days and than go out the night he comes back.

 

We have an otherwise good relationship. But now I'm just pissed off. Sometimes I feel like I'm at his mercy to spend time together. We do live together. But for him to say something like that after being gone a week...am I wrong for feeling angry?

 

If he's always been a workaholic and/or busy guy, then you unfortunately got into this RL and are stuck.

 

However, if he's just been busy or prioritizing everything other than you, then I'd question if he still wants to be with you.

 

Plus you have a right to be a little demanding in this. Come on...9 days and he doesn't want to make quality time with his woman? It's about balance, and I understand if someone's busy or trapped in a big project or tired. Even then I would have told you the truth and made plans to have quality time.

 

If he wants to just work and sleep and such, then he shouldn't be with you and let you be free to find a more balanced guy.

[EasyHeart]

My boyfriend is away on business. He comes back on Tuesday and come that time he will be away 9 days. This evening we spoke on the phone and I asked him if he could take Wednesday out of work so we could spend time together, he said he couldn't, which I understand. But than I asked him if he could come home an hour earlier than usual so we can go to dinner or something. He said he didn't think he could leave early and I asked why. He answered me by asking why I was being so demanding. I just told him it would be nice to see him after 9 days, and he said he "didn't live to entertain me" Nice huh? The comment hurt my feelings and I told him that and than we started arguing (on the phone) and he hung up on me.

 

Since he hung up on me, I'm obviously not going to chase him. Honestly just makes me want to avoid his calls the next 3 days and than go out the night he comes back.

 

We have an otherwise good relationship. But now I'm just pissed off. Sometimes I feel like I'm at his mercy to spend time together. We do live together. But for him to say something like that after being gone a week...am I wrong for feeling angry?

This issue used to come up a lot when I had to travel a lot for work. I remember coming back from one particularly brutal trip and my then-GF said, "Now that you're back from your little vacation, you can make it up to me". Grrrrr!!!!

 

Traveling for work is WORK. Usually, it's particularly hard work,: 15 hour days and absolutely no downtime. And in the meantime, your desk is piling up with the work you should be doing back at the office, so you need to work extra-hard when you get back. In other words, traveling really, really sucks.

 

Give the guy some slack. It isn't always about you. He probably just wants to sleep.

[thatone]

This issue used to come up a lot when I had to travel a lot for work. I remember coming back from one particularly brutal trip and my then-GF said, "Now that you're back from your little vacation, you can make it up to me". Grrrrr!!!!

 

Traveling for work is WORK. Usually, it's particularly hard work,: 15 hour days and absolutely no downtime. And in the meantime, your desk is piling up with the work you should be doing back at the office, so you need to work extra-hard when you get back. In other words, traveling really, really sucks.

 

Give the guy some slack. It isn't always about you. He probably just wants to sleep.

 

i agree, and pressing him for such things when he's worn out from a work trip is a good way to get a rude response...

 

You are totally right... and I won't forget his reaction anytime soon.

 

...and saving it to nag him about later is a good way to wind up single again.

[NursingGirl]

This issue used to come up a lot when I had to travel a lot for work. I remember coming back from one particularly brutal trip and my then-GF said, "Now that you're back from your little vacation, you can make it up to me". Grrrrr!!!!

 

Traveling for work is WORK. Usually, it's particularly hard work,: 15 hour days and absolutely no downtime. And in the meantime, your desk is piling up with the work you should be doing back at the office, so you need to work extra-hard when you get back. In other words, traveling really, really sucks.

 

Give the guy some slack. It isn't always about you. He probably just wants to sleep.

 

 

This gets my vote. I have been dating a guy who frequently is out of town on business. I have to evaluate whether I think the relationship is going to progress because it feels like two steps forward, one back when he is gone so often. Alot of preparation goes into the trip prior to leaving (product and account research) and alot of organizing and getting caught up afterward. I'm happy that he is successful but I'm not sure it is for me. Weigh the benefits/what is lacking and make a decision. He can't help it...it's his job. And I can see where he snapped at you like that under stress. I think he needs to apologize but I also think it might be beneficial to talk to him about the intimacy lacking with the travel and how it feels like you are not getting your needs met in the relationship. Then, give him time to see if he can make adjustments. Maybe he won't be able to and then you will have to make a decision.

[Woggle]

I don't condone the way he snapped at you but when a man is trying to take care of business and a woman keeps nagging and nagging and pushing and pushing it gets tiring. The last thing a man needs is some long distance drama with a woman.

[melodymatters]

I don't condone the way he snapped at you but when a man is trying to take care of business and a woman keeps nagging and nagging and pushing and pushing it gets tiring. The last thing a man needs is some long distance drama with a woman.

 

 

I don't appreciate your emphasis on gender in this post. PEOPLE deal with other PEOPLE in many ways, both good and bad.

 

OP: the one boyfriend I had who said the exact same words, was also the most abusive. Only you know if the guy is a prick or not. Hard for an outsider to know based on that one statement.

[Ruby Slippers]

That's a really rude comment. You would think that a guy who's been away from his woman for 9 days would be excited to see her when he gets back. I know that anytime I've been in a relationship and one of us has gone out of town, we are both so excited to see each other again when we get home. And yes, we always plan something special for that time. I can't imagine pushing my boyfriend away and telling him "I don't live to entertain you"!

 

I don't know what I would do in your situation, though. What I would want to do is be out of the house when he gets home. And probably the next night, too. At the very least, I would spend a lot more time away from the house when he was home for the next few weeks.

[FitChick]

Women don't understand that for a man his career is his number one priority. It has to do with his self-esteem. Women want the perks of a successful career but don't want to make the sacrifices,which is why women in general make less money than a man. I learned this lesson a long time ago when I was just starting out in the workplace, as an assistant to a high-powered exec so I know firsthand the pressure they face. Now that I date those types of men, I know how to handle them. You have to be very secure and independent not to take some things personally. I actually like it when a man is away on business because I can do my own thing, but when he's back, my man has my total attention.

 

You can't have it both ways -- if you want someone who is always home to cater to you, he is most likely not a successful guy. Women want successful men but they don't want to make the sacrifice of not being the center of his world. Make up your mind!

[Woggle]

Women don't understand that for a man his career is his number one priority. It has to do with his self-esteem. Women want the perks of a successful career but don't want to make the sacrifices,which is why women in general make less money than a man. I learned this lesson a long time ago when I was just starting out in the workplace, as an assistant to a high-powered exec so I know firsthand the pressure they face. Now that I date those types of men, I know how to handle them. You have to be very secure and independent not to take some things personally. I actually like it when a man is away on business because I can do my own thing, but when he's back, my man has my total attention.

 

You can't have it both ways -- if you want someone who is always home to cater to you, he is most likely not a successful guy. Women want successful men but they don't want to make the sacrifice of not being the center of his world. Make up your mind!

 

Finally somebody gets it. Also when men are in business mode it is a very different person from relationship mode. You have to deal with a lot of BS in the corporate world and in this economy you have to be a shark to survive in it. I now work for a great guy who is not your typical corporate boss but at my old job I had to run some errands or do something between work and home just get myself out of that shark mindset after dealing with the politics all day.

[CatNtheHat]

i agree, and pressing him for such things when he's worn out from a work trip is a good way to get a rude response...

 

 

 

...and saving it to nag him about later is a good way to wind up single again.

 

 

Well the last few days of his trip, he hasn't been working, more like relaxing so he wasn't really "worn out" he was complaining of how bored he was prior to getting mad at me, for wanting to spend time together. I don't think me looking forward to seeing him after 9 days is a BAD thing..

[CatNtheHat]

I don't condone the way he snapped at you but when a man is trying to take care of business and a woman keeps nagging and nagging and pushing and pushing it gets tiring. The last thing a man needs is some long distance drama with a woman.

 

 

There was no "nagging or pushing". lol. I was looking to spend time together after not seeing him for almost 10 days.

[CatNtheHat]

I don't know what I would do in your situation, though. What I would want to do is be out of the house when he gets home. And probably the next night, too. At the very least, I would spend a lot more time away from the house when he was home for the next few weeks.

 

Yeah I don't plan on being home when he returns Tuesday night or Wednesday. I'm making plans to go to a friends or just run errands. If he thinks he lives to entertain me, he will be very surprised when I'm not around.

[CatNtheHat]

 

You can't have it both ways -- if you want someone who is always home to cater to you, he is most likely not a successful guy. Women want successful men but they don't want to make the sacrifice of not being the center of his world. Make up your mind!

 

 

How is spending time with me after a long trip away- catering? I know successful people that don't make comments like that to their partners! I don't expect to be anyone's universe either. I wasn't asking much. I'm more angry at his response and than the fact that he hung up on me and hasn't contacted me since.

[CatNtheHat]

I don't appreciate your emphasis on gender in this post. PEOPLE deal with other PEOPLE in many ways, both good and bad.

 

OP: the one boyfriend I had who said the exact same words, was also the most abusive. Only you know if the guy is a prick or not. Hard for an outsider to know based on that one statement.

 

 

He isn't a prick, but he needs to work on being a little more sensitive to my feelings, in general.

[CatNtheHat]

Finally somebody gets it. Also when men are in business mode it is a very different person from relationship mode. You have to deal with a lot of BS in the corporate world and in this economy you have to be a shark to survive in it. I now work for a great guy who is not your typical corporate boss but at my old job I had to run some errands or do something between work and home just get myself out of that shark mindset after dealing with the politics all day.

 

 

Its about balance.

[threebyfate]

Women don't understand that for a man his career is his number one priority. It has to do with his self-esteem. Women want the perks of a successful career but don't want to make the sacrifices,which is why women in general make less money than a man. I learned this lesson a long time ago when I was just starting out in the workplace, as an assistant to a high-powered exec so I know firsthand the pressure they face. Now that I date those types of men, I know how to handle them. You have to be very secure and independent not to take some things personally. I actually like it when a man is away on business because I can do my own thing, but when he's back, my man has my total attention.

 

You can't have it both ways -- if you want someone who is always home to cater to you, he is most likely not a successful guy. Women want successful men but they don't want to make the sacrifice of not being the center of his world. Make up your mind!

While I agree that someone who's married to their career has a lot of demands on them, I disagree with your entire attitude. You've managed to not only eat up the bull but have also learned to enjoy it.

 

Both my husband and myself are career minded individuals. He's in a partnership and I'm self-employed. We have a son. Not only do we not say rude things to each other, we do things to show our appreciation for each other through actions and words. We spend time together with friends and spend time separately with friends. People make time for people they love, respect and appreciate.

 

That said, if the OP is always demanding with him, it's not surprising he got lippy. But if she isn't and what she's mentioned is all that transpired prior to his rude comment, it's apparent she's not being appreciated and if so, needs to put less time and energy into someone who doesn't appreciate her.

[mortensorchid]

Based on what I read in the beginning of the thread (and not reading all of the comments attached to it), I am wondering if there was something else that was building up to this moment. Is there more to the story?

[Els]

Uh. You asked your bf to come back an hour early from work so you could have dinner together? He said he didn't think he could come back early, and you asked him why? I dunno, that does sound rather clingy and inconsiderate to me. I don't think it was fair of you to keep pushing the point when he had already told you he couldn't come back early from work. I would understand you feeling miffed if he had just been out with friends, etc, but people don't often get to choose what time they come back from work. If you go home early when there's work to be done, it all piles up tomorrow, or you do a shoddy job and possibly get laid off in this economic climate.

 

On the other hand, he shouldn't have responded to you like that, but people do tend to get snappy when they are under a lot of stress (as he would probably be if his work necessitates him to come home at that hour everyday).

[tigressA]

Uh. You asked your bf to come back an hour early from work so you could have dinner together? He said he didn't think he could come back early, and you asked him why? I dunno, that does sound rather clingy and inconsiderate to me. I don't think it was fair of you to keep pushing the point when he had already told you he couldn't come back early from work. I would understand you feeling miffed if he had just been out with friends, etc, but people don't often get to choose what time they come back from work. If you go home early when there's work to be done, it all piles up tomorrow, or you do a shoddy job and possibly get laid off in this economic climate.

 

On the other hand, he shouldn't have responded to you like that, but people do tend to get snappy when they are under a lot of stress (as he would probably be if his work necessitates him to come home at that hour everyday).

 

I completely agree. This is his JOB, his livelihood, that you were asking him to ditch early for you. Really inconsiderate behavior, and his reaction was priggish. You were both in the wrong.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This evening we spoke on the phone and I asked him if he could take Wednesday out of work so we could spend time together, he said he couldn't, which I understand. But than I asked him if he could come home an hour earlier than usual so we can go to dinner or something. He said he didn't think he could leave early and I asked why. He answered me by asking why I was being so demanding. I just told him it would be nice to see him after 9 days, and he said he "didn't live to entertain me" Nice huh? The comment hurt my feelings and I told him that and than we started arguing (on the phone) and he hung up on me.

Since he hung up on me, I'm obviously not going to chase him. Honestly just makes me want to avoid his calls the next 3 days and than go out the night he comes back.

We have an otherwise good relationship. But now I'm just pissed off. Sometimes I feel like I'm at his mercy to spend time together. We do live together. But for him to say something like that after being gone a week...am I wrong for feeling angry?

 

If you want a guy who can drop anything to spend time with you... find a guy who is unemployed. Otherwise stop asking him to take time from work.

 

There are plenty of NON working hours you can ask from him.

 

Personally, I believe you are being overly demanding and that while he should not have replied in such a grumpy way... you are the one who is out of line.

[CatNtheHat]

If you want a guy who can drop anything to spend time with you... find a guy who is unemployed. Otherwise stop asking him to take time from work.

 

There are plenty of NON working hours you can ask from him.

 

Personally, I believe you are being overly demanding and that while he should not have replied in such a grumpy way... you are the one who is out of line.

 

 

Well I don't expect or want him to drop anything. This was ONE evening I asked if he could come back an hour or so early. One. And is response was nasty. I don't think I was "out of line" at all. I asked him so we could do something nice together, since he has been gone for 10 days. Its not like I asked him to take me shopping or anything.

[Els]

Just curious. If you want to spend time together, why can you not be the one to sacrifice and sleep 1 hour later instead, if he cannot come back early from work?