I'm going to be screwed up for awhile.

[lovesickmonkey]

I never really told my whole story. It sounds like an anecdote in Playboy magazine. I was a 41-year-old, pudgy, balding guy. I was playing the lead in a musical. There were lots of women in the show and I flirted with most of them. There was a a knockout, gorgeous woman. The all-American beauty with long, blonde hair, large lips, white teeth, etc. I mean, really beautiful. And she was 23 years old. So I actually paid no attention to her because I figured she was off limits. I was flirting with young women but THAT was too young. So, the final night of the show, we were all drinking and she strikes up a conversation. We talked awhile but I had to get going home. She FBs me a message later, "Hey, where did you go? I wanted to talk more." I wrote that I had a busy day and had to get home. She wrote that we should get together. I could scarcely believe that she was coming on to me! What luck! I chased the rabbit down the hole. She "attached" herself to me very quickly and accepted anything about me that I insisted might be a problem (sexual dysfunction, for example, or the fact that I just got laid off from my job). She and I soon went everywhere together and did everything together. Her family liked me. It was odd because her mom was two years older than me and also very attractive. These things just made it all the more special for me. I became very fond of her twin sisters (aged 14) and enjoyed being a fun uncle to them. I spent all holidays, birthdays, summers, with the family. I tried my best to treat her very well, buying nice gifts and taking her out to nice restaurants. I eventually found another job and that was a relief to me. Friends on Facebook were so impressed by the beauty of this woman and some asked when we would get married. My ex herself would echo these comments with ones of her own, "Yeah! When are we going to get married?" She thus reassured me that she was for the idea. I bought some diamonds from my mom and her sisters that they inherited from my grandma and we had them made into a beautiful ring. I picked up the ring at the store and brought it home. It was at this point that I sensed a certain lack of enthusiasm. I mean, as we all know, engagement is an exciting, wonderful step for people who really want to get married. She never said she didn't want it. But she said she wanted a small wedding ... maybe on a beach in another country ... one that no one could attend ... and no wedding dress, etc. That seemed ridiculous that someone so beautiful wouldn't want to be seen by as many people as possible. I mean she would have been the bride of the century. Anyway, this took a lot of my confidence away about proposing. (She also said that I shouldn't propose anywhere public or in any stupid way) I ended up proposing in a very stupid way, at the dining room table in a halting voice ... I'm not even sure I got the words out. Instead of saying yes, she called me a noob. Nevertheless, she wore the ring. I assume the proposal was accepted. But as the weeks went by she had less and less enthusiasm for me. She was planning on leaving but had no idea how to do it. It would be so embarrassing for her in it was bound to make me so angry. She must have set a "dump date" and made plans, like getting a new apartment. She would try to make me look at the relationship in a new light: "See, you don't like my music and I don't like yours at all." Ridiculous because I loved her music, even though she never listened to it. In her mind, this was a way of introducing the idea that we were actually incompatible. I later realized what was going on and realized how utterly emotionally immature she was. Like emotionally age 12. In the next two weeks she began detaching herself from me. She wore clothes to bed, didn't kiss me back. She would say, "I love you, I really do." This actually meant, "I love you even though I'm about to leave you." Devastating to realize later. She also did something that, I understand from reading LS, is very common. She began coming in very late and very drunk. Disgusting drunk. Denial is not just a river. Man, I was in denial more than I ever have been in my life, if ever. It is frightening. When the realization is THAT painful, the mind pushes it far away. All the evidence was there, all of it ignored. I was actually in the middle of building by hand, a walk-in closet for her when she called, crying and she told me, "I can't marry you." You all probably know what happened next. That painful rush of blood through the chest cavity. It feels like your heart is actually breaking. I knew that it meant that she was in fact no longer interested in being my lover.

She had already left me weeks earlier. It was now up to me to catch up with what had happened. When she showed up at my house for the last time, she was on edge, not interested in fighting, discussing, arguing, watching me cry, etc. She was angered by the simplest question: "When did you fall out of love?"

"I was never in love with you. I'm not turned on by you and if I stayed with you, I would only eventually cheat on you. We have nothing in common. When I meet your friends, it's like meeting my parents' friends.

My friends and I were talking about this: You actually have a lot of potential. You'll be fine."

Long story short, it was an utter humiliation. She displayed no love, no respect, no human compassion, no decency. Everything she said was burned into my brain to be repeated ad nauseum during the following three months.

So I went through the grief stages, all of them, repeatedly, backward and forward, for the three months of the worst summer I've ever had so far. I've gone in and out of clinical depression, I've got into a car accident, I've angered my family. and I'm still suffering. I've tried to date ... and this is what I'm facing now ... dating my ex was like crack cocaine to me. It gave me a huge rush. Her presence in my life made everything alright. I wanted everyone to see me with her. When I was with her I was literally young again. I think you can imagine what I'm talking about. It was as though I had become a millionaire. When she left it was as though I had to give the million dollars back. When she left, I had to age 20 years in one day. An utter fantasy come to an end. The reality is that 25 year old women generally do not notice me in that way. In fact, I have a hard time getting noticed by a 35-year-old. And I AM attracted to women my age but suddenly, I'm facing the fact that I may not have children unless I find a wife who can still have and wants to have children. And I'm not wealthy so ... you can imagine how my life seemed so perfect for two years only to have the whole thing fall apart because she was immature and had a lot of growing up to do.

I have gone from blaming the whole thing on her to blaming the whole thing on me. Common sense should have told me that, although it might be fun for awhile, dating this woman would probably not lead to a healthy family. I should have expected the outcome and accepted it. So I'm mad at myself. And it's not as though I could have been talked out of it. No way. I was going to stay with her as long as I could, no mater what the outcome. And I did. My low-self esteem was nurtured by being with her. She made me into SOMEONE! When she left I was utterly bereft and facing the problem of, "Do I try to find another one like her, or do I start working, at age 43, on my self-esteem issues? Can I ever be a whole person, by myself, complete, and love myself as I am?" Well I know the answer and it's not easy to face. The work ahead is daunting, and I'm still no closer to getting my own family.

Anyway, I wanted to put this story out there for anyone interested. I think my story has some unique angles that are making me suffer in unusual ways. I have a lot in common with everyone and I also have a unique and very painful distortion of perception that I'm struggling with . Thanks

[smudge21]

Sorry to hear all that. You do seem to be beating yourself up way too much over this, almost as if you're taking the blame fully on your own sholders.

 

The facts as I see them was this girl was swept up by you and did love you for that period of time, but being in her twenties meant she was changing all the time. Try to recall your own twenties; I know from mine that I was all over the place, no idea what I wanted. I even dated an older woman at 20 and she was 30. When the idea of moving in and settling down came up a year later it truly scared me, which was a shock as I thought I was happy with everything. But to hear those words and realise it was happening seemed to change everything. I too left, although I did it with more care than your ex did (but it still hurt on both sides). The facts are that in your twenties no matter how mature you think you are, you haven't really experienced the world or anything and at moments of committment you can easily see what you may be missing.

 

Like I said, I do believe she loved you for that period of time, but those worries and concerns started to eat away at her. Sadly her age may have meant she didn't know how to raise this concerns with you so instead she let them build up to the point where she had to leave. You can't be blaming yourself for any of that.

 

Many will probably mention the age gap but I'm a firm believer in age not playing a factor when two people are into each other. Clearly no one had an issue with it either, from her family to your friends. I do believe this ended due to her age yes, but not because you were older.

 

You have to somehow now work on healing, whatever it takes to get you back that person who a beautiful young woman fell in love with. There's no time limit on healing and we all slip throughout the process. Just do what it takes, speak to friends, take a vacation, speak to a professional, whatever, just do it.

 

Don't look on this whole thing as a negative, but more a learning experience (yes, even in the forties people can still learn). Plus, see the positives. You start this thread by putting yourself down, yet you go on to tell us how you dated a woman in her twenties who was very beautiful. Whatever you did to get her, you can do it again, once you'e healed.

[reimeivn]

Yeah i would say its not the age gap but the place where you are in life. She is too young, she still trying to find a place in her life and she is by no means has found one yet.

[lovesickmonkey]

Thanks Smudge21 and Reimevin. It's not so easy to see what others can see plainly.

[lymtal1]

LSM, I can totally relate to your entire story. I lived it but did not get the ring on the finger although that was an expectation that was very real in both our heads and was discussed often. She was also 23 me 40. There were some circumstances that forced us to be seperated and that did us in. We lived together for 2.5 years. It has been now a month and a half and I am doing the best I can but each day has its challanges. I was given the you have experienced things in life that I have not, had opportunities to be with other people and I may want that. She said that she needed to be able to do things that we did not do and that I probably did not want to do. Like you and the music deal, I really looked forward to doing those "things". She needed to be able to "go crazy". Here is the reality as I see it. She is right. At an intellectual level I know that she needs to go out and experience life. At my heart level I am devestated. I can't get my heart and brain to be at the same place. I totally feel what you are feeling.

 

I do want you to realize that you are very special in that she did love you at a point in time. You I am sure are a very good person and there is no question in my mind that you will be able to attract the right person for you at the right time in your life. This is down the road but it will happen. This is not the time to even worry about that. We need to focus on ourselves right now and be in a position to heal ourselves in whatever way is appropriate. I am not sure how you are doing this but if you don't have a gameplan for it I think that is a good starting point. Tell us what you are doing to make that happen. I have read several very good self-help books and here again everything that is said in them is spot on. The thing that the information can't do for you is the work it takes. That is on us. And in our situation we are feeling a bit different than many on here because of the situation we are in. I never for one second thought I had a self esteem issue till the relationship was over. Then it made me think hard about it and I found that maybe I did. It was great having a younger person in my life as it boosted my ego quite a bit. When it ended I had a huge loss of ego and self esteem. I think it would be quite normal. So try not to go there and be gentle on yourself. Remember, you did attract her so give yourself credit for that.

 

I want you to know more than anything else that you have someone out here that is going through an almost exact situation as you. So I can relate to the pain you are feeling, the loss that exists in your heart and the questions that may never be answered that you need answers to.

 

Hang tough and lets get through this together and I would certainly love to hear day to day how you are doing. I read this site many times during the day to help me cope. I have not posted as I had a very unique situation and felt that others were more qualified to offer advice to those who were in similar situations as them. We are walking the same path and I will be there next to you if you need anything.

 

Lets take this day to day.

[reimeivn]

I want to say that not all 20s girls are like that. A lot want to settle down. A lot want to experience different things, and lots of those things she can do while she is with you.

 

Partying and dating different people are not all that can be called experiences.

[reimeivn]

And really dont blame yourself for feeling so special when you are with this woman. All of us do when we are truly in love. That is what love is about, it brings out the qualities that we normally dont see in ourselves. Some of those qualities needed to be brought out. Like, attractive. How can you just sit there and tell yourself that you are attractive if no one ever been attracted to you right? People say build your self esteem, believe me they only have that after a certain number of people have felt in love with them. Dont dont be too hard on yourself. Everybody feels that way.

[lovesickmonkey]

Wow, lymtal. You really were in a very similar situation. Same ages and everything. Smudge too.

Well, I often did sit there and say, "well at THAT age I was still getting drunk, going dancing, hanging out with crowds of people also in their twenties." I imagined after she moved in that she would have parties with young people, or go to them, or be on the phone with them ... I mean, in my forties, most of my peers are married and have children and more seldom get out. I expected her to want to do all these things but she didn't have much of an interest in them, or so I thought. In the end I think she wanted to do all those things and wanted to do them without me. I may have been an embarrassment to her ... like she was bringing her father along or something. I had a secret fantasy that I would be strong enough to say, "Look, this has been fun but you really need to be free now. Live your life. Find someone young, have a family, grow old together. I'm not right."

I would never say it but something told me that that would be the right thing to do. But as you know she completely filled me. I made her my whole life. I adopted her family, her pets, her life. And every day I was happy. Every time she pulled into my driveway after work or whatever, I was filled with joy. It was insane. And it had so much to do with her age and beauty because she did some things that I'd not have tolerated in other women. I'm afraid to say so but her beauty went such a long way.

Yes, she was attracted to me but what is that really saying? Why was she attracted to me? For the right reasons or the wrong ones. My shrink has suggested that she "wanted someone to beat up on." That makes sense in some ways. In other ways, she was the sweetest, most polite, most forgiving person.

I'm reading the Getting Past Your Breakup book and I think it is amazingly apt for my situation,given that I'm a male who was not physically abused, etc. The main thing I had in common with the author is the fact that she absolutely "needed a man" and without one was in utter desolation. She needed a man regardless of how he was treating her because the thought of being without him was much, much worse. So she teaches how to build self esteem. She teaches how to inventory past relationships for their good and bad qualities (so we stop idealizing past relationships). She teaches some basic cognitive psychological methods for building self-esteem. Like you said, you have to follow the instructions and not just read the books. I'm sloooowly convincing myself to do the work. Baby steps. I'll keep you posted. Also, keep me updated on any thoughts you've had about our situation. Thanks.

Remeivn, thank you. You are right about 20-somethings being different from one another. It's true and I've often wondered about which type she really was. It was so hard to say and I think she kept many thoughts private.

[lymtal1]

LSM,

 

I had the same thoughts about mine related to the fact that she would have been better with somone her own age all the time. I even had the discussion with her several times about it and she assured me that our ages were no big deal to her. We were perfectly compatable. And we were. I did all the things at first as you mentioned, went out with her younger friends to all her favorite places and in reality I fit in very well. But as time went by that activity slowed and we settled into a rather boring life. That was my downfall. Wasn't that I did not want to go do all the fun stuff, just got complacent as happens in many relationships. So I know where I messed up. I was having other issues in my life and let them get the better of me and I ended up clinically depressed and basically a blob on a couch:). So I understand why she wanted out. I do not blame her at all. It was the right move for her. And in actually for me too but I still am more heartbroken than I have ever been in my life. I too made her everything to me and played the role of doing all and being all in her life. I put her on the pedestal and never let myself up there with her. Not her fault. So in essence after some work from the book you are reading I kinda figured out I have a pretty serious co-dependent personality. My happiness was totally based on how happy I could make her. A pretty bad place to be. But one that I have been most of my life as I have uncovered. So just what I need is some more stuff to work on as trying to get over this is not enough.

 

It sounds to me like you are making some assumptions and I would just like to offer to you not to do that for your situation (the embarressment to her comment). Don't beat yourself up with that as it more than likely was not true but you feel it now under the circumstances. It seems to me that we both lived what we perceived to be a very real fantasy life and although we knew that there might have been some risks involved we were way too far in to walk away. I know was and that fantasy kept me there a littel too long. There were many times I thought about how could I break-up with her because I thought it would go bad down the road but did not have the guts to do it in the right way. Was way over my head and that might have been the same for you as well. It felt good though when it was good didn't it:) When something feels good we tend to overlook the bad and focus on the good.

 

I did the work in the book you are reading, the inventories and etc. It all put everything in perspective and as I said I agree that she did the right thing but it is still killing me to deal with the loss. Every morning I wake up and look at the positives and negatives of the relationship and recognize that the bad outweighted the good by so much it was not funny. Mine was the sweetest thing in the world and one of the problems I am having is I really can't say much bad about her. She didnt cheat on me, we didn't fight three times in 2.5 years, she never cared if I went out with my friends, etc. But there was so much other stuff that made the relationship bad for me. But the heart won't let the head rest. The hurt I am feeling is hurt from not loosing the person/relationship but the fantasy that I created in my mind.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this as I know the pain you are feeling and I would not wish that on my worst enemies. I would suggest that when you get to the inventory part you be very honest with it and you may see a light that may help a bit. I read them several times a day and that helps me cope to a degree that I can manage. I have been one week N/C and I am struggling with it as being the person I am I had to help fix a part of her life up to last week. So for a month I endured more pain to continue to help her. How sad is that. But I made a committment to her and I carried out on my word so walking away I can feel good about it. Where are you with N/C? I changed my phone number last week, blocked all the email stuff, did the facebook thing and anything else I could think of to fall off the face of the earth. It had me shaking and very anxious the past several days. Really feeling a sense of withdrawl symptoms. I actually think I have a love addiction to her and have been investigating that as well. Here again I am learning that love is not being addicted to a person but much different. So to sum it up I think I am co-dependent, love addicted, depressed, and heartbroken all at once. I guess the positve thing about those realizations is now that I know the magnitude of things wrong with me and I can fix them all at one time and become a normal person in a relationship down the road. When you get more involved in the exercises from the book lets discuss and see where you are and how they may help you with realizations.

 

Give me an update tomorrow on how you are doing and if you need anything specific to discuss I will be here. All I can tell you is to keep hanging in there taking it one day at a time and know that we will come out on the other side at some point. Let me leave you with one thought: This is your time to put 100% focus on taking care of yourself.