Does your ex ever let u know just how f*cking great their life is?

[BrettLost]

Hi all,

 

Some are familiar with my story, some not. Anyway just a quick question to any dumpers out there.

 

Did any of u go out of ur way to let the dumpee know just how great ur doin now without them, even if this was'nt entirely true?

 

Just when i get a good spirit happening, she'l mention how she had "the best weekend of her life", i just teared up into a mess. I dont whether it was actually great or average, but she sure wanted me to know about it. I'm trying to remain upbeat about her new life, u know, hope u had fun n sh|t like that. But when it seems to be thrown at u intentionally it hurts like a motherfuc#er.

[patagonia]

this is exactly why you don't contact your ex man. It will mess with your head and make you miserable all over again.

[lovesickmonkey]

No contact. It hurts and serves no purpose (unless that purpose is to hurt). I would not answer calls, e-mails, texts, etc. etc. Do it for yourself.

[Thieves]

Did any of u go out of ur way to let the dumpee know just how great ur doin now without them, even if this was'nt entirely true?

 

Just when i get a good spirit happening, she'l mention how she had "the best weekend of her life", i just teared up into a mess. I dont whether it was actually great or average...

 

Hmmm... Somethin' tells me that it might've been a little more average than great. Trust me, even if the ex makes it seem like they're having the time of their life right now, it's more likely they've had a few ****ty days/nights as we (the dumpees) have. I promise you, while they really may be having a good time, 9 times out of 10 it's not as amazing or glamorous as it seems. Just it seems like it in comparison to the endless pain you're feeling right now. And they're the dumper, so of course they're not gonna make it look like their lives are sh*t after dumping you/breaking your heart. That would just be too comforting for the dumpee.

[BrettLost]

Thank u patagonia & lovesickmonkey,

 

I am aware that ALOT of pple here swear on NC. It'l always begin with a quick txt about child arrangements.

 

Take todays incident for example.

 

We had arranged that she pick them up from mine today (sunday) round lunchtime.

A quick txt- "Rough idea what time ul be here?"

Her reply- "Nearly there, but i cant drive.. can u bring them back to mine?

My reply- "Wtf? Why? Ur breaking the rules here"

Her - "Whatever, Im drinking"

 

NOW- at this point I'm slighly over-reacting thinking wtf is she doing being so selfish to ignore the arrangement.

 

Me- "Ur f*cking out of control woman, u put urself before ur kids!!"

Her- "Surely u can just drop em over this one time?"

 

NOW- what did i do? give in to her n do her the simple favour, or think F*CK U, i aint just gonna fold to ur bloody demands..

 

Me (i gave in for the less drama), had a deep breath and said..

Me- "Look, fine, il bring em over ey. Hope u had a good weekend."

Her- "I had the best 2 days of my entire life!"

 

and thats what put me straight back to square one.

 

SOOOOOO ****ing hard to get a backbone n stand up for oneself, without the negative repercussions (spelling?).

[BrettLost]

Thanks thieves,

 

was just posting as ur comment arrived.

[mr.goodguy]

two things in this thread...

 

1) I posted to your other thread but will reiterate for this one. ANYONE who needs to states (out of seemingly left field) how great they are or how wonderful a time they had...are lying. "best two days of her life?" Did she have a Harry Potter marathon over the weekend? Come on. A secure person would not use this tactic. She is insecure. NC is best, but with the kids LC is your best option.

 

2) in your text messages, emails, or voicemails to your ex...never swear. You need to stay composed and keep documented records of her behaviour and of her breaking the rules of your agreement. Honestly start a file and print emails, save everything. It seems because she has the power of the courts behind her she is going to abuse that power. If you have documentation, it may take some time, then you have a way of pushing her back. It will surprise the sh*t out of her. "whatever, I'm drinking"...wow, I'm sure the courts would love to see that...oh and don't mention you have a file on her, she'll become guided. **I'm not a lawyer or anything, so seek professional help if needed.

 

You could also try to kill her with kindness...that's always fun if you can manage it.

Edited August 7, 2011 by mr.goodguy

[Thieves]

"best two days of her life?" Did she have a Harry Potter marathon over the weekend? Come on.

 

:laugh:

[mr.goodguy]

I meant guarded. Not guided.

[BrettLost]

Hahaha. Its shocked me u actually made me laugh at my situation. That was fantastically said!!!

 

I am continually blown away by the support from people on these forums. I dont want to become someone who has 50 threads either just to soak it all up.

 

Just an overall understanding of how similar pple face similar circumstances is what im after. I got alot of that from just snooping here for weeks on end, but when pple comment specifically to your own personal situation its on a whole new level of confidence to heal.

 

I truly thank everyone.

This place, and the pple within it seem so genuine, it is unreal to me.

[Thieves]

Me (i gave in for the less drama), had a deep breath and said..

Me- "Look, fine, il bring em over ey. Hope u had a good weekend."

Her- "I had the best 2 days of my entire life!"

 

 

Okay, now that I look back at your post again and see the conversation you two had, I can say for certain that yeah, she has to be making it look better than it really is. The fact that she randomly came out and said she had "the best 2 days of her life" is just... not right. Too enthusiastic about rubbing it in, lame, and reeks of insecurity. If my ex had said that to me, I honestly would've just laughed to myself. Talk about obvious. Just had to get that out there.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

Don't allow a break up to disintegrate into a senseless competition of who has a "better life". Break ups hurt for both, dumpers and dumpees. Don't believe that they don't hurt the "bad person". We humans want to color thing black and white and have very specific target to either blame or praise. Life doesn't work like that. There are complicated reasons for human behavior.

 

I suggest you completely disengage gracefully from a situation.

[BrettLost]

Very interesting stuff.

 

Thanks again Theives. It does seem a bit over-produced, but at the time i read it, it shredded me into a mess. U dont really have the time to analyse it properly for what it is, it is just taken on face value and its intention was successful.

 

Ddeepprreesseedd (did i spell it right?), thank u. U are right with the "better life" bullsh*t. It can sometimes feel like a contest. The simple fact she only replaced a man with another man, her life aint all that different. I live alone, no kids, no wife, no family. A totally different existance to the one i helped create for 8yrs.

So in contest terms, the score would be 8-2.

 

I can never disengage completely for we have children whom i love. Things get really twisted up with kids. I know for a fact that if i didnt have kids with her, she'd just be another girl.

 

I believe creating lives with someone is far deeper than a piece of paper which says u are "married".

[Single Sid]

Thank u patagonia & lovesickmonkey,

 

I am aware that ALOT of pple here swear on NC. It'l always begin with a quick txt about child arrangements.

 

Take todays incident for example.

 

We had arranged that she pick them up from mine today (sunday) round lunchtime.

A quick txt- "Rough idea what time ul be here?"

Her reply- "Nearly there, but i cant drive.. can u bring them back to mine?

My reply- "Wtf? Why? Ur breaking the rules here"

Her - "Whatever, Im drinking"

 

NOW- at this point I'm slighly over-reacting thinking wtf is she doing being so selfish to ignore the arrangement.

 

Me- "Ur f*cking out of control woman, u put urself before ur kids!!"

Her- "Surely u can just drop em over this one time?"

 

NOW- what did i do? give in to her n do her the simple favour, or think F*CK U, i aint just gonna fold to ur bloody demands..

 

Me (i gave in for the less drama), had a deep breath and said..

Me- "Look, fine, il bring em over ey. Hope u had a good weekend."

Her- "I had the best 2 days of my entire life!"

 

and thats what put me straight back to square one.

 

SOOOOOO ****ing hard to get a backbone n stand up for oneself, without the negative repercussions (spelling?).

 

i going thruogh same thing, mother of child cannot be bothered to organse herself as a mother and thinks all around her will carry the can.

As a single father for years ive made my own arrangements, in all those ive done all the forward and backwards travelling. Why? for peace of mind for me and my child, yes it meant the agro of facing the ex but hey it was worth it then.

Now my child is a teen and recent s*&t ive been fed after all these years im now in full no contact. its not as hard as it has been in the past to do, and ive stuck to it strictly, although seems to have other ideas but i bluntly stopped that again yesterday, hopefully she got the msg and will not contact me.

 

Similar, a text to our child but for me saying for me to drop child off then pick her up from an event she is attending with the child at certain times!!

WTF!! this is her arrangment not mine!! im not her personal taxi at her command. like i say she never ever really made much effort in seeing her child and really she owes a lot of that to me, but i think she reckons life will just revolve around her, well big f*&%ing wake up call her way if she hasnt already noticed.

I guess she just mistook my need to be a parent for friendship in the same way i mistook her feelings for me as love in the past.

 

Karma is keeping an eye her for sure

[Els]

Usually, when someone goes so very far out of the way to make someone think their life is that great....

 

It's not.

[antinko]

Usually, when someone goes so very far out of the way to make someone think their life is that great....

 

It's not.

 

I get this from my ex too and I know it's just a mask, but you just have to let them get on with and focus on your own stuff.

 

If my ex looks to be having a wonderful time, I make sure to have a better one and, if we cross paths, I show no emotion towards her other than happy and smiley.

 

Don't let them win even if they don't intend on hurting you. You have to think about number 1.

[TaintedHeart]

I had this problem. It really upset me a first. So you break my heart then feel the need to rub salt into the wound!

But now I just laugh, she's acting like a bloody school girl! I can just picture her claiming how fantastic life is when really she has a face like a slapped arse.

Is it really worth worrying about? I can't be bothered to be bothered anymore

[BrettLost]

I thought i might do a catch up on what actually happened when i dropped my daughters off yesterday...

 

I ****ed up. I thought i could handle it. I thought i could be mature enough to accept it and stare it in the face. I did, until i got to work today. The whole day was a mess mentally. Crying, anger, resentment it all came back like it was day 1. Ended up doing mass overtime (just got home now) cause i felt alone, why not be alone n make more money.

 

ANYWAY, what i faced was having to take my kids back to OM's (im familiar with these lil shorthand expressions now) house cos she was there with him. Deep breaths, got kids out, entered his house, so far so good.

 

Staring reality in the face, he offered me a drink (sweet), we sat in his lounge. Me on the single couch, them on the double together. The atmosphere smacked me so hard i nearly choked. I didnt, i bluffed it and watched tv with them full casual like it was sweet. Meanwhile my kids are runnin round, familiar with his house. I nearly choked again.

 

Moving out to the patio, conversation was gettin weird and my ex was in an awkward uncomfortable state. Inside i loved it! She had her past and present come smashing together.

 

She said- "i dont wanna talk anymore",

i said- "what, we're all adults here, this is how its gonne be"

HE said- "look mate, if she dont wanna talk, i aint gonna let u make her"

 

And BAM just like that the mood shifted, i knew where i stood, but still within my rights i felt compelled to state my place.

 

I said- "Fair enough dude, but u get no say when my kids are concerned".

He suprisingly agreed.

 

Even though i bluffed coolness with it all, should i have even gone inside? No way!!

I seen sooooo much subliminally, that when i was working today all the little things ripped me apart over and over.

 

Her wearing his shorts.

His hand on her leg.

Him helping put on shoes for my daughter.

My kids knowing where things were in his house.

 

I just felt obsolete and replaced.

I am about to start another thread on coping with the realisation that someday, another male might run the family u helped build- cos i am absolutely losin it.

[radiodarcy]

Hi all,

 

Some are familiar with my story, some not. Anyway just a quick question to any dumpers out there.

 

Did any of u go out of ur way to let the dumpee know just how great ur doin now without them, even if this was'nt entirely true?

 

Just when i get a good spirit happening, she'l mention how she had "the best weekend of her life", i just teared up into a mess. I dont whether it was actually great or average, but she sure wanted me to know about it. I'm trying to remain upbeat about her new life, u know, hope u had fun n sh|t like that. But when it seems to be thrown at u intentionally it hurts like a motherfuc#er.

 

indeed! particularly when he would tell me about all the women he was dating. how this one had a bangin' body - - and really wanted him; and that one had a great sense of humor; blah blah blah.

 

whether it was true or not, it wreaked havoc on my sanity. that is - - until i went NC and didn't have worry about hearing it anymore

[TaintedHeart]

I thought i might do a catch up on what actually happened when i dropped my daughters off yesterday...

 

I ****ed up. I thought i could handle it. I thought i could be mature enough to accept it and stare it in the face. I did, until i got to work today. The whole day was a mess mentally. Crying, anger, resentment it all came back like it was day 1. Ended up doing mass overtime (just got home now) cause i felt alone, why not be alone n make more money.

 

ANYWAY, what i faced was having to take my kids back to OM's (im familiar with these lil shorthand expressions now) house cos she was there with him. Deep breaths, got kids out, entered his house, so far so good.

 

Staring reality in the face, he offered me a drink (sweet), we sat in his lounge. Me on the single couch, them on the double together. The atmosphere smacked me so hard i nearly choked. I didnt, i bluffed it and watched tv with them full casual like it was sweet. Meanwhile my kids are runnin round, familiar with his house. I nearly choked again.

 

Moving out to the patio, conversation was gettin weird and my ex was in an awkward uncomfortable state. Inside i loved it! She had her past and present come smashing together.

 

She said- "i dont wanna talk anymore",

i said- "what, we're all adults here, this is how its gonne be"

HE said- "look mate, if she dont wanna talk, i aint gonna let u make her"

 

And BAM just like that the mood shifted, i knew where i stood, but still within my rights i felt compelled to state my place.

 

I said- "Fair enough dude, but u get no say when my kids are concerned".

He suprisingly agreed.

 

Even though i bluffed coolness with it all, should i have even gone inside? No way!!

I seen sooooo much subliminally, that when i was working today all the little things ripped me apart over and over.

 

Her wearing his shorts.

His hand on her leg.

Him helping put on shoes for my daughter.

My kids knowing where things were in his house.

 

I just felt obsolete and replaced.

I am about to start another thread on coping with the realisation that someday, another male might run the family u helped build- cos i am absolutely losin it.

 

You're the bigger person. FACT! And your the farther, nothing will ever change that! The only people that need to know this is you and your littles ones. I'd say you handled everything pretty well to be honest..

So what if you broke down after, they don't know that.

[BrettLost]

Thank u radiodarcy and TaintedHeart,

 

It was definately a stupid move, today however im not so bad. I rationalised what i saw, it's happening, it's real, aint ***** i can do to change it. I never want it to become a dads side, mums side thing. I sucked up some courage, swallowed my pride and legitimately became sweet with it. My kids will benefit from it i hope in their future.

 

I still agree totally that a firm LC approach is best, the more i know the more i hurt. Just want to eradicate all bitterness associated with it cos my kids'l pick up on it im sure.

[Sugarkane]

I had an ex do this to me months ago. After we hadn't talked in months he boasted about how fantastic his life is, really trying to rub it in. Then he pointed out everything that I did wrong in the relationship. Then he did the whole "I've made a mistake, want to get back together, I want to meet you" thing. Only to never meet up with me. Good riddance to assclowns.

[Chi townD]

First off, keep your contact with her at a minimum. Pick up the kids, drop them off and leave. Any phone calls and texts should be about the kids and that's it! Nothing else. Now, her saying that she had the best weekend together? Don't care about what she tells you or volunteers. She can tell you that things are great and wonderful and all that. But the truth is only 17% of relationships that start out as an affair actually last.

 

Now, you need to focus on you. Go to the gym, buy a new clothes, go out with friends, go back to school and further your education and carreer options. Save for trips abroad! Go on them, see the world. Take your kids with. The fact is that she can tell you that her life is great, but she'll actually see that your life is so much better without her. Hell, people have posted here that they've done just that and they find it laughable that their WW or WH is a little put out that your life is so much better with them out of it.

 

You won't have to tell her Jack. She'll see it or your kids will let it slip, " Dad's going to Ibiza for a couple of days." And it will be none of her damn business with when and who you'll be going with.

 

The best revenge to get is to lead a good life. Now, go get that motivation to make it happen.

[BrettLost]

Chi townD,

 

Thank you for the guidance on how i should best tackle this. It still upsets me that a life/future has been chosen for MY children, without MY input...

 

Whats done is done i guess. Thank u.