What are the lessons you've learned about love by going through a break-up?

[Thieves]

I figure you can never have enough of these threads, since they often require us to sit and think for a minute about what we've been through and what we've learned about ourselves in even the sh*ttiest times.

 

So let me in on it, Loveshackers...

 

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far?

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken?

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it?

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship?

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be?

[mr.goodguy]

wow...what a loaded thread.

 

I figure you can never have enough of these threads, since they often require us to sit and think for a minute about what we've been through and what we've learned about ourselves in even the sh*ttiest times.

 

So let me in on it, Loveshackers...

 

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far? Love comes from within...love yourself, first and foremost, and seek your own happiness. When you find it, share it with someone special.

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken?

The art of attraction. In todays world...especially with so many absentee fathers (could be more of a North American thing), secrets of how to woo a woman are lost. Men will make the same mistakes they did as a child..

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it? Confidence...but it is growing as I cut down the pedestal I used to put woman on. You ladies, aren't so intimidating... :)

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship? Honest communication. Key word is honest. It kills me to see a friend of mind to settle for his current relationship when he isn't happy. We seemingly have an infinite amount of days...until one day we are older and look back and realize would trade in anything to redo our lives.

 

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be? Don't focus on love...focus on life...and love will follow.

 

 

"Be patient and tough;

someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid.

 

The above is very, very true.

[Almond_Joy]

Awesome thread, Thieves!

 

I figure you can never have enough of these threads, since they often require us to sit and think for a minute about what we've been through and what we've learned about ourselves in even the sh*ttiest times.

 

So let me in on it, Loveshackers...

 

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far?

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken? That there are people who don't really honor the act of loving someone and being loved.

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it? Trying to keep things positive and logical, all the time. I have not overcome this yet.

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship? A lack of communication is the biggest red flag to me.

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be? That it's the best part of living.

[Thieves]

Don't focus on love...focus on life...and love will follow.

 

So true! I'm just now realizing this... You can't always put love as the center point of your life, though we would all love to. It's good sometimes to focus on other things, and then let love fill the bigger picture once it actually happens. At least that's how I see it

[Thieves]

Awesome thread, Thieves!

 

Thank you! I'm already happy with the answers people have given so far, and eventually I'll put my own once I've had more time to think about it.

[reimeivn]

1. the lesson: too many. I guess I would say the biggest lesson is to love yourself first.

2. i wish i would have known to expect the same as what i give in a relationship so that i could walk away before its too late.

3. my flaw is to take things too seriously like if this one guy leaves, i ll be dying. actually they come they go, so dont try hard to tie them down. make them have all the choices in the world, and you too. i did overcome this.

4. biggest red flags? Dishonesty.

5. i would tell the kid to walk away from the bf that treats her like **** because the one for her will never make her question one bit if he loves her or not, or what is he thinking, or if he loves his guy friend more then her...

you wont die without the jerk. you will die with him hurting you though.

 

and by the way, me, i realize what kind of guy i want. i looked back on my life, and i would say, when you are a teenager, take time to get to know the guys, but do not, do not, try to keep a guy, by any means. let him go. so the right one can be with you.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

1. love yourself first before getting involved with anyone

 

2. find happiness in your intellectual, work, achievements and/or other pursuits before getting involved

 

3. don't take others for granted

 

4. if you feel that you might be incompatible in any major way do not continue relationship

 

5. work on relationship if differences are only minor

 

6. be with someone form your cultural background; it's not a cliche, it's actually very important

 

7. love does not conquer all. reason does.

[Thieves]

5. i would tell the kid to walk away from the bf that treats her like **** because the one for her will never make her question one bit if he loves her or not, or what is he thinking, or if he loves his guy friend more then her...

you wont die without the jerk. you will die with him hurting you though.

 

I really wish I could realize this... It's hard to pull yourself away from a person.

 

1. love yourself first before getting involved with anyone

 

2. find happiness in your intellectual, work, achievements and/or other pursuits before getting involved

 

3. don't take others for granted

 

4. if you feel that you might be incompatible in any major way do not continue relationship

 

5. work on relationship if differences are only minor

 

6. be with someone form your cultural background; it's not a cliche, it's actually very important

 

7. love does not conquer all. reason does.

 

Thank you for your answers, DP (hope ya don't mind if I call you that? It makes me sad to call you by your actual username ...). Very insightful. But just curious, why do you think it's important to be with someone from your cultural background? I'm asking because I happened to fall for someone who wasn't of my background at all, yet would that make the connection we shared any less strong?

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

Thieves,

 

DP is a good nickname, I don't mind it at all

 

I say that because that played a huge part in unraveling my relationship. Even though I was with a wonderful man, he did not speak my native language or share into my cultural background. It was clearly not his fault at all. I on the other hand, kept on believing, that if I force myself I could for the sake of everything else being ok in the relationship be with him for life. However, as years went on and I missed elements of my culture more and became more distant from him. A big fear that I harbored was that I couldn't raise my children speaking my native language and that they would only speak English.

In addition, I felt that he could never understand history of my people even though he was very open-hearted. He just couldn't conceptualize anything historic outside of this country, which I think it's a fault of this school system, not his fault at all. I also missed talking in my own language. Culture becomes more and more important as we grow older and more mature.

I am happy to report that he married someone from his cultural background, which I actually wanted for him to happen.

Edited August 7, 2011 by Ddeepprreesseedd

[Thieves]

Thieves,

 

DP is a good nickname, I don't mind it at all

 

I say that because that played a huge part in unraveling my relationship. Even though I was with a wonderful man, he did not speak my native language or share into my cultural background. It was clearly not his fault at all. I on the other hand, kept on believing, that if I force myself I could for the sake of everything else being ok in the relationship be with him for life. However, as years went on and I missed elements of my culture more and became more distant from him. A big fear that I harbored was that I couldn't raise my children speaking my native language and that they would only speak English.

In addition, I felt that he could never understand history of my people even though he was very open-hearted. He just couldn't conceptualize anything historic outside of this country, which I think it's a fault of this school system, not his fault at all. I also missed talking in my own language. Culture becomes more and more important as we grow older and more mature.

I am happy to report that he married someone from his cultural background, which I actually wanted for him to happen.

 

DP it is.

 

And alright, I think I understand where you're coming from, only your situation was a bit more complicated than I thought. I thought you meant culture as in skin color alone... but I see what you mean now. My situation was where we both spoke English as our native language, just we were of different ethnicities and came from different countries. Other than that, we both had a lot in common and I don't think the relationship would've been strained because our cultures are not that entirely different to begin with. I think culture does become more important as we get older but I also think it depends on age and how you were raised. Nowadays, people of the younger generation seem to be much more willing to start families with people of different cultures than say people who were raised a decade or two before. I'm sorry that it did not work out for you and this man, though.

[bikinibeach]

great thread thieves

 

just wanted to drop a note saying i'm glad that you're doing well

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

In culture differences I would rate the level of differences as following:

 

1st barrier: language

 

2nd barrier: religion

 

3rd barrier: vastly different cultural practices, family backgrounds

 

4th barrier: vastly different economic background

 

5th barrier (the least sever): color/ethnicity

 

It seems like two of you were not that different at all.

[Thieves]

great thread thieves

 

just wanted to drop a note saying i'm glad that you're doing well

 

Thanks, bikini. Trying my hardest to keep up the good streak!

[sedgwick]

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far?

That it's probably not going to happen in my lifetime, and that I'll always look at other people and wish I had what they had.

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken?

To not even bother getting into a relationship because they never work out.

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it?

My body. I haven't.

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship?

If they're a musician. RUN!

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be?

"You're never going to have it, so spend your time doing other stuff."

[radiodarcy]

there are great questions!

 

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far? how much i underrated the importance of self-esteem. had i had a better sense of it , i probably wouldn't have put up w/ the poor treatment the way that i did. i also could have spared myself a great deal of pain. pain that i don't care to go through ever again. can't really love someone without respecting yourself.

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken? how badly it would hurt

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it? being able to maintain that sense of self while getting to know someone else. all too often i get so caught up in the other person that i abandon my own needs/interests. this is something i still need to work on. which of course, means continuing to build up my self-esteem.

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship? when the other person makes slights about your interests/friends/personality. the ex did this to me - - made me feel as though my interests were boring or a waste of time. at the time i took it to heart but i now realize it was more of an indicator of his own low self-esteem; which led him to put down others to make himself feel better.

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be? lol i'm well past my teens but i would tel myself that it's a good thing i waited until my 30's to experience this. given what i was going through in my teens i would have been a wreck!!

Edited August 8, 2011 by radiodarcy

[antinko]

I figure you can never have enough of these threads, since they often require us to sit and think for a minute about what we've been through and what we've learned about ourselves in even the sh*ttiest times.

 

So let me in on it, Loveshackers...

 

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far?

 

Never compromise personal goals. Never let significant other make you feel bad about yourself. Those who accuse you of being 'boring' are, in fact, themselves boring.

 

No contact is a wonderful thing - will remember this for next time and implement straight away, not that I plan on being dumped again...

 

Oh actually, yeh, next time I'll recognise any red flags and will pull out of the relationship rather than trying to save it if it goes that way.

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken?

 

No contact is a wonderful practice. I also wish I recognised the red flags and acted upon them.

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it?

 

I'm an excellent catch to be quite honest. If I can be criticized, it's probably because I give a bit too much, or at least gave too much, when the love wasn't truly reciprocated. I do believe, however, that 'someone' out there deserves what I have to offer and will give it back.

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship?

 

When your partner becomes distant and starts coming out with cliches which basically signify their exit from the relationship.

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be?

 

Don't analyse it because it makes no sense.

 

 

My responses are in bold.

[lovesickmonkey]

I'm quoting radiodarcy's answers because they're so similar to mine.

 

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far? how much i underrated the importance of self-esteem. had i had a better sense of it , i probably wouldn't have put up w/ the poor treatment the way that i did. i also could have spared myself a great deal of pain. pain that i don't care to go through ever again. can't really love someone without respecting yourself.

 

Yes, if I had better self-esteem, or any self-esteem, I might have recognized that we were not a good match and moved on. Maybe I'd have been in a decent relationship by now and had children.

Also, if you read Getting Past your Breakup: Love is an Action. Love is an Action! Saying "I love you" is not loving. Love is the things you do. You needn't say anything. Know when you are being loved.

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken? how badly it would hurt

 

I wish I knew to see it coming and not be in so much denial. I wish I knew to expect that she would be nasty if questioned. And how badly it would hurt.

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it? being able to maintain that sense of self while getting to know someone else. all too often i get so caught up in the other person that i abandon my own needs/interests. this is something i still need to work on. which of course, means continuing to build up my self-esteem.

 

I once thought I didn't give enough so this time I gave too much. Now I know that you must give and take and the secret of success doesn't lie exclusively in how much you give.

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship? when the other person makes slights about your interests/friends/personality. the ex did this to me - - made me feel as though my interests were boring or a waste of time. at the time i took it to heart but i now realize it was more of an indicator of his own low self-esteem; which led him to put down others to make himself feel better.

 

Yes, what radiodarcy said. I took a deep interest in everything she did and in every interest she had. She never asked questions about my interests. After a while I just accepted it. Also if she doesn't want to talk about issues. Or talk about the relationship. Or talk about you.

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be?

 

Work on self-esteem now, while you're young. You're gonna need it, kid.

[patagonia]

I learned a lot through my breakup. Mainly that I never want to go through another one...then again it was my first and only so I'm sure that didn't help anything. And never give up something or someone you love.

[shortee143]

One of the things I learned, and I tell this to my other friends who are in relationships (not in a mean way of course, not trying to bring them down) but I always remind them, that no matter what is done, or said...in terms of how much love, future talk, how great things are etc.....THEY can leave you, just like that! And offer little reason, or little regard (despite the fact that they seemingly were a great SO)

[J0N]

1. What are a few things, if not the biggest thing, that you've learned about love so far?

 

- Even if you think you know absolutely everything about someone, you never really know everything. Sometimes people fall out of love, there can be hundreds of different reasons for this, it may or may not be your fault.

 

2. What is something you wish you knew before you got your heart broken?

 

- How to recognize serious red flags, like knowing when you are being used by somebody. When you recognize these red flags, do not ignore them, 'kicking the can down the road' will only make things worse later.

 

3. What do you think your biggest flaw is when it comes to being in a relationship? Have you managed to overcome it?

 

- I tend to get 'comfortable' with things, and maybe don't put in as much effort as I should, but this is a TWO WAY street. I will definitely work harder at this next time.

 

4. In your opinion, what is the biggest red flag in a relationship?

 

- When your girlfriend stops showing affection towards you, and suddenly becomes too busy to spend time with you. (When you know that if they really wanted to be with you, they would find the time, or that they are lying about being busy).

 

5. And finally... If you could tell your teenage self (or your younger self if you're still a teenager ) only one thing about love, what would it be?

 

- You will find love when you least expect it, do not over invest yourself in somebody. When you think that things are going sour, do something about it NOW, especially if you want to save the relationship. When you realize that you may not be as compatible with somebody as you once thought, do something about it before you become too attached. NEVER SETTLE

 

Love comes and goes, when the time is right the 'one' will come into your life, and you will suddenly forget about all of those failed relationships. Don't beat up yourself too much after a breakup, it is a part of life.

 

Breakups suck, there are no two ways about it, but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

 

IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER WITH TIME

Edited August 9, 2011 by J0N

[Finch]

Things I Have Learned About Love (so far...)

 

Breakups hurt, and that's okay. But there is always someone else. No one person is the be-all and end-all of your world.

 

If you are unhappy the majority of the time you're with someone, get out. In a positive relationship your partner's presence makes you feel happy and calm, not distraught and anxious. I think at least 3/4 of your relationship time or thoughts should be ones that are content. If you're routinely spending a significant amount of time feeling miserable, end the relationship. Far better to be alone than in a relationship that brings you down.

 

When you feel happy and complete on your own then your relationship is stronger. You should not depend on anyone else to make you feel whole. Cultivate your own interests as well as intellectual and life goals and you'll be surprised at how much better all your relationships are.

[marqueemoon4]

what did I learn about love?

 

its a risky investment and usually ends in tragedy. at least for me.

[Thieves]

If you are unhappy the majority of the time you're with someone, get out. In a positive relationship your partner's presence makes you feel happy and calm, not distraught and anxious.

 

Simple, but true and effective.

 

Though I'd have to question if it would be the same way in a marriage, where there is (seemingly) more at risk to lose...