some one tell me what I can do!

[Jon]

I see a lot of posts to this board that make me think what I want to do is not possible, but I'm going to try anyway. If things don't change, fine, but I'm willing to take that risk. I just have NO IDEA whatsoever how I should approach this.

 

I'm 21 years old. I grew up living 2 houses from a girl I know who is now 19. Ever since we were 4-5 years old we have been good friends. Our parents would go out together when we were younger and we'd be together, we'd walk to and from school together, she often came to me with her problems, and I was even the one that taught her how to drive. Many times she has told me and other people that I'm her best friend without a doubt.

 

The problem started last year. We went out and kissed once and that led to more of a relationship. I was happy with it and so was she. It was a little strange though because I wasn't sure if I should treat her exactly the same and talk to her the same way as we always did and just accept there was some intimacy there, or if this meant I had to start treating her more in the sense of a "traditional girlfriend" as most people would know. What made this more complicated in my mind was she started doing things she didn't before. I went to NY city for a week and she sent me a card in the mail before I left----when we went out to eat, instead of going to McDonalds or Burger King she all of a sudden started offering to go to nicer places like Chili's or the Olive Garden (I know they aren't exactly top of the line restraunts, but compared to BK and McD's they are).

 

So anyway, I started feeling a bit guilty because she was acting nicer to me and I was not doing anything differently for her. So I decided to follow her lead, I cut down on the jokingly making fun of her that I usually do, and I bought her flowers a few times, and sent her a nice card a few weeks later before she left on her family vacation. All I thought I was doign was exactly what she started to do. However, the minute I started this, it seemed to upset her! Then, the harder I tried, the more distant she got. We eventually broke off our relationship, and really stopped talking to each other, even though we didn't really have an argument.

 

Now, she's more distant. We don't talk hardly at all. A few weeks ago her mother came over our house and I talked to her for a while (I know her very well as she used to baby sit me for years when I was growign up). She brought up my "friendship" with her daughter and asked me what was wrong. Of course I had no answers. What she told me is that her daughter misses me and misses talking to me. One time her mother told me she asked her about it when she appeared upset one day and she started crying.

 

I'm sorry to go on and on about this but I don't know what to do. The only thing that I can think of is that she is staying away because she think's I'm following her around, or that I won't let her live her own life. Something like I'm not giving her an opportunity to make her own decisions on our friendship?

 

One last thing I think I can say that may help, but confuses me. We went about 3 weeks without seeing each other, not at all. I was washing my car and she came out one afternoon to get the mail, and we talked then. It was a pleasant conversation, it felt like things were as good at they were before, like nothing went wrong. We talked for 20 minutes, then her mom yelled to her she had to get ready, and she left. I thought that was a very good thing. However, just 2 days later, I saw her outside and said hello and all she did was say hello and smiled then went inside. The next weekend I saw her outside again and she totall ignored me---ran in the house without saying a word.

 

This whole thing confuses the hell out of me. Maybe she needs space, a lot of space---that is the impression I get from reading some other posts on this board. But if I'm wrong, can some one give me some ideas on what to do? This isn't a relationship that just went bad, and this isn't a friendship that was a year or two old that went bad. This is a life long friendship that is slipping away and I know it's upsetting her just as much as me, but she doesn't seem to be willing to try to work things out, at least the same way I am. Most of the times I see her I walk up to her to talk to her, and go out of my way to say hello, but that just seems as if it frightens her?

 

I'm expecting to get a response something to the effect of "people change, move on, etc, etc". Maybe that's true and I know it might be. However, what I want to know is if it is NOT true, what should I be doing? Should I actually force her one day to sit down and talk about the whole situation? Should I just keep on doing what I'm doing and be friendly? Should I try to ignore her for a few weeks or maybe more and let her sort out her own thoughts on the situation and come to me when she's ready? Maybe is just seeing me around all the time not allowing her to get through what she has to get through? I think these are all possiblities, but I'm not sure.

 

Any thoughts would help.

[Tony T]

The BEST thing you could do is print out your post and mail it to her and ask her to please answer those questions for you.

 

What you SHOULD have done right off the bat when she started distancing herself is ask her what the problem was. You were treating her very nicely, the same way she was treating you. You were trying to establish a two way relationship by keeping up your end. You were doing the absolute right thing, in my opinion. I don't get the impression you were smothering her...but if you were, that probably bothered her. I think you deserve to know why it was OK for HER to special things for YOU but why it bothered her when YOU did special things for HER.

 

It could very well be that she really likes you a lot and when you started being very nice and more romantic towards her, she just got scared. You would know this better than me. A lot of people get really scared of their feelings of closeness for someone. It usually has to do with how they grew up.

 

Frankly, I think a lifelong friendship like the two of you had that blossoms into a deeper love is the kind of thing of dreams and has the basis for something that could last forever. Maybe the timing was off...maybe she wasn't ready. She should be very flattered that you developed loving feelings for her after knowing so much about her, the good and the bad, seeing her in all kinds of ways, with and without make-up, nice clothes, etc. I mean you loved the REAL her and that's not always the case.

 

But I really do think you deserve some answers because, unless there are things you haven't said here, you really treated her very nicely as a friend, respectfully and decently. I think SHE did YOU pretty dirty by responding to your kind acts of love by backing off. She definitely owes you an explanation.

 

At this point, you need to somehow get her to set some time aside when the two of you can talk one on one so you can explain your feelings to her, very nicely, and find out what went on in her head when she distanced herself. You need to let her know how much you value her friendship and ask her exactly what it will take to regain that friendship.

 

There is a chance that this girl may be screwed up in ways you never dreamed of. She may have been wonderful as a friend but she may not be worth a crap as more than that. Time will tell...but do yourself a favor and get the scoop from her. Then you can make a decision as to your next move.

 

If you find she does not appreciate you or the special person who could be in her life, tell her I said she was NUTS!!!

[Jon]

Thanks for your response. That may not be easy to do but it may be what I have to do. Its just goign to be harder now than it would have been if I had done that right away.

 

The other thing that I think of more and more is that I may have "smothered" her a bit, as not only did I want to be nice to her because she was nice to me, but I didn't want to make it look like I was only doing it because she was, so I made sure I took things one step further (by doing MORE than she did, by spending MORE money,etc.)

 

Other than that, my only other fear is that I have been pushing her too hard to work things out, but without being direct about it. I'm trying to be around as much as possible to give her an opportunity to say something, but I haven't been direct at all, and that is why I'm thinking she may need some time away from me right now.

[Tony T]

The harder you try in love, the more elusive it becomes.

 

The only way you are going to get you answers here, if she is kind enough to address your questions honestly, is this girl.

 

If you have been around here long, you know I am always critical when guys are too nice. Nice does NOT present a challenge to a girl and that's what they want. By going overboard, you probably ceased to generate the air of challenge, unpredictability, and aloofness that fuels the fire of passion.

 

She may also have felt you were beginning to give more, which made her feel uncomfortable. If she is an unusually kind person, she probably has a sense of balance and when she started to feel you were giving more, she felt uncomfortable. If that was the case, you better grab her fast because there are only a handful of girls like that in the entire world...they are priceless.

 

There is a possiblity she may have low self esteem. That would mean she would have a reason for giving more to you in order for you to continue to like her. By the same token, when you started being so much nicer to her, she may have felt unworthy because of this low self image.

 

Remember also, a girl falls for what is presented to her when she falls. If it changes significantly it becomes a serious problem because that is NOT what she went for. When you started giving more, smothering her, being nicer, you changed from the guy she liked into something else. You need to go back to being exactly the same way as before.

 

You have done considerable damage here. Talking to her may not do any good. I think your best bet may be to avoid her for a while and then re-enter the picture slowly. Let her miss you, remember how you USED to be, and then be that old YOU. No matter what she does for you, say thanks, let her know you appreciate her kindness, but remain as you have always been.

[I LISTEN TO MY HEART]

WELL IM ONLY 19 BUT IM IN A REALLY TOUGH SPOT RIGHT NOW MYSELF. MUCH DIFFERENT FROM YOU BUT I SAY GO WITH YOUR HEART YOU OBVIOUSLY LOVE AS YOUR BEST FRIEND OR MAYBE MORE ,EITHER WAY DONT LET THIS SLIP AWAY.SHE MIGHT BE JUST AS CONFUSED!HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT MAYBE SHE MADE A MISTAKE BUT DOESNT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU SHE DOESNT WANT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP CAUSE OF FEAR OF IT ALL BEING LOST ONE DAY. MAYBE SHES AFRAID TO TELL YOU CAUSE SHE THINKS YOU MIGHT NOT WANT HER JUST TO BE YOUR FRIEND?! FROM WHAT I READ SHE DOESNT WANT TO LOOSE YOU.WHAT I WOULD DO IF YOU GUYS CAN TALK WELL TO EACHOTHER IS TAKE HER SOMEWHERE WHERE ITS COMFORTABLE AND YOU WONT HAVE DITRACTIONS OR INTERUPTIONS AND FIND OUT WHAT SHE GOING THROUGH. MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS YOULL BE THERE FOR HER ALWAYS NOMATTER WHAT SHE CHOOSES TO DO.IF SHE SAYS SHE WANTS IT THE WAY IT HAS BEEN 4EVER MAKE SURE YOU BE HER OLD FRIEND AGAIN.JUST A QUESTION WERE YOU GUYS DRUNK WHEN THIS ALL STARTED?THINK ALSO MAYBE YOU GUYS JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE. IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT SHES UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ALL THIS. MAYBE SHES SEES YOU LIKE A BROTHER NOT A LOVER AND DOESNT KNOW HOW TO TELL EITHER FROM FEAR OF LOSS OR FEAR OF HURTINGYOU! THATS MY THOUGHTS ON THIS IF YOU WANT TO TALK SOMETIME GET ME AT <e-mail address removed>[CAPITAL LETTERS]