I hate my husband!

[lonelynikki]

Ugh, I'm so tired of dealing with my husbands selfish antics that I can barely stand the thought of reliving it with all of you right now.

 

My husband and I have been married for 4 and a half years and throughout the marriage whether I was working or in school or whatever the case may be I put 110% into our marriage. If I was working full time I would still come home clean the house BY MYSELF and do a million nice things for him (surprises, gifts, clean up after him etc) you name it I did it. While I was working full time I was also in school part time and still kept up with all of the housework that I did before.

 

All I ask of my husband is to clean up after himself (put his dirty dishes in the kitchen, socks in the laundry hamper) and I will take care of everything else. The only other request I have of him is that when I make plans for us or myself (if he agrees that is) that he honor those plans and not screw them up somehow (like getting drunk the night before & waking up hungover and canceling). The reason for this is a logical one as well, I do not make plans very often 95% of my life is devoted to my husband and baby boy (2 years) so when I make plans it's rare and very important to me. Sometimes I need some fun too!

 

This weekend for example was my little boys second birthday party (with the family - we're having another party next weekend with friends only) and my husband went out to a football game last night instead of packing and preparing for the trip. Long story short he didn't make it and I'm visiting family alone. This type of thing happens OFTEN and I'm sick and tired of the disappointments especially after everything that I do for him on a daily basis.

 

I know I want out, I do not love him any more but I still care about him a lot. I don't know why, the only thing I do know for sure is that I care about my little boy more than I care about myself and I don't know what to do.

 

I would do just about anything for my little boy but I can't imagine a life of suffering. My husband doesn't even plan anything for my birthday, our anniversary, anything. I always remind him and he never does anything. He's lazy and selfish and I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot. Every time he messes up he makes a thousand excuses and he says things like "Well I'm learning and I'm changing" and truth be told he is changing AT A SNAILS PACE. I feel as though he does the absolute minimum possible just to prove the point that he has made some changes. Everything to him is about being right and proving a point instead of concentrating on the bigger picture and trying to make me happy.

 

I don't know what to do, the other problem is that I just went back to school and I have years ahead of me. I don't know how I would support myself and my little boy on student loans. I don't want to get out of school and owe so much money. I'm going back to school so that we can have a future.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[whichwayisup]

I think you two need to go to marriage counselling. Honestly, he sounds immature. A "man" child, someone who got married too early to handle the responsibility of being a husband, being a father, and a family man. Maybe a swift kick in the ass .. Aka .. Telling him how unhappy you are, that you DO love him and want to try to fix things for the sake of your son (you two do owe it to eachother to atleast give it your best before throwing in the towel). If he knew how serious you were (are) about leaving him, hopefully he'll work hard to make things better and be the man he should be. As your husband and as a father.

 

It's obvious that you two have huge communication problems, nothing ever gets discussed to the point of fixing things, and it sounds like there's bickering more than anything.

[tobeornottobe]

Maybe a swift kick in the ass .. Aka .. Telling him how unhappy you are, that you DO love him and want to try to fix things for the sake of your son (you two do owe it to eachother to atleast give it your best before throwing in the towel).....

The OP already stated "I do not love him any more...." Fixing things for the sake of children is NEVER an option.

 

I suggest:

 

1. Have a honest and frank discussion with him, and tell him that you have reached a point of no return.

2. If he responds by saying that he will change, define together what level of change you want to see. They usually have the WILL (faith - believing in their sincere promise) but not the ENERGY (works - that accompanies it." And we all know that faith without works is DEAD, meaning NO LIFE.

3. Make room for mistakes, have a daily chat about the issue to encouarage and remind him that you are both working towards an expected outcome, praise him when he does something positive, but if it feels that he is not living up to his promise (no ENERGY to address the issues) over a reasonable time, then apply the 180 degrees rule (you can Google it)

4. If after that there is still no improvement, and in the light that you already stated that you don't love him anymore, it may be time to end this marriage.

Edited August 7, 2011 by tobeornottobe

[scaredandalone1223]

I think counseling may be a great step for you guys. You did say you no longer love him but you still care about him and he said he is willing to change he's just moving really slow at it.

 

When my husband and I separated last year and he moved back in he told me the romantic love was gone and he did not not when or if it would come back. He cared about me a great deal as the mother of his children and his best friend but the romance was gone. Counseling, alot of talking, doing small things for each other brought the love back to our marriage and almost a year later we are happier and more in love than ever before. Our teenage son is also happier than ever before because of how happy his parents are.

 

Never stay just because of your son! We did that for years and while we had many great times we were not truly happy and my toles especially suffered from that. Had I have known then what I know now things would have been very different.

 

Make time to talk every day. Talk about your day, the news, a show you like just spend time talking. Spend time together walking, going to historic places, watching movies on the couch. Snuggle, give him kisses as you pass by him, wrap your arms around him for no reason except to show you care and ask him to put forth the effort to do the same. One thing my husband dearly loves is that I get out of bed with him really early when he gets up for work, even though I do not have to, and I fix his coffee for him and have his breakfast when he gets out of the shower. Many mornings that is just a bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit but it really is the thought that counts.

 

If neither of you have ever been unfaithful and still have trust as a cornerstone of your marriage you have something to build on. If you are both still young and in the learning stage then a counselor may be able to truly direct you both on some ways to positively improve your marriage. This year will mark 14 years since we said 'I do' and had we have thrown in the towel then while we were young and still naive to what marriage really was we would have never gotten to the true, amazing, love we have today. The road of marriage is hard, but in the end it can be sooo rewarding but is does take WORK!

[Woman In Blue]

I'm not going to give you all these suggestions about marriage counseling and going for walks because I DIDN'T miss your comment that you're no longer in love with him. That's what resentment DOES when one person is giving 110% each and every day - and the other selfish ass is doing nothing but TAKING.

 

It gets REAL old after a while, doesn't it?

 

I GET it. Been there, done that, and DIDN'T stay. I'd rather be broke and alone than someone's freakin' mommy and slave.

[tobeornottobe]

I'm not going to give you all these suggestions about marriage counseling and going for walks because I DIDN'T miss your comment that you're no longer in love with him. That's what resentment DOES when one person is giving 110% each and every day - and the other selfish ass is doing nothing but TAKING.

 

It gets REAL old after a while, doesn't it?

 

I GET it. Been there, done that, and DIDN'T stay. I'd rather be broke and alone than someone's freakin' mommy and slave.

Well said WiB! I stand amazed at some posters sharing how they have been in long-term relationships for many years with no love and intimicy. We were created as sexual beings.

 

I am always for trying over and over again, praying, talking, counselling, coaching and what not. But for Pete's sake, how can you STAY in a marriage or long-term relationship like that?

 

Yes, there is no perfect relationship, but my personal opinion is, if you are in a relationship where there is no love, no great sensual activity - sex, and the latter is very high on one partners list, try changing it by giving it your all and if all else fails, get out of that relationship/marriage.

 

As I said in another post, DIVORCE is the aftermath of a covenant that has long been broken, so get over this fear and stigma of divorce being a sin or embarrassment. You owe it to yourself and your kids. I feel sorry for women who cannot make that drastic move due to financial constraints. Bite the bullet and Move On.

Edited August 7, 2011 by tobeornottobe

[tobeornottobe]

I think counseling may be a great step for you guys. You did say you no longer love him but you still care about him and he said he is willing to change he's just moving really slow at it.

 

When my husband and I separated last year and he moved back in he told me the romantic love was gone and he did not not when or if it would come back. He cared about me a great deal as the mother of his children and his best friend but the romance was gone. Counseling, alot of talking, doing small things for each other brought the love back to our marriage and almost a year later we are happier and more in love than ever before. Our teenage son is also happier than ever before because of how happy his parents are.

 

Never stay just because of your son! We did that for years and while we had many great times we were not truly happy and my toles especially suffered from that. Had I have known then what I know now things would have been very different.

 

Make time to talk every day. Talk about your day, the news, a show you like just spend time talking. Spend time together walking, going to historic places, watching movies on the couch. Snuggle, give him kisses as you pass by him, wrap your arms around him for no reason except to show you care and ask him to put forth the effort to do the same. One thing my husband dearly loves is that I get out of bed with him really early when he gets up for work, even though I do not have to, and I fix his coffee for him and have his breakfast when he gets out of the shower. Many mornings that is just a bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit but it really is the thought that counts.

 

If neither of you have ever been unfaithful and still have trust as a cornerstone of your marriage you have something to build on. If you are both still young and in the learning stage then a counselor may be able to truly direct you both on some ways to positively improve your marriage. This year will mark 14 years since we said 'I do' and had we have thrown in the towel then while we were young and still naive to what marriage really was we would have never gotten to the true, amazing, love we have today. The road of marriage is hard, but in the end it can be sooo rewarding but is does take WORK!

Very encouraging testimony:)

[Kelemort]

I think an imminent separation is important right now. He's not going to change. Because someone still does his laundry, still cooks for him, still takes care of him like he's an infant himself. He can get away forevermore with, "I'm changing, der," with perhaps a little fighting, and that buys him a little more time to act like a complete juvenile moron. He knew about all these plans ahead of time but continues to act like a self-absorbed dolt whose own activities are more important to him than tending to his wife and child.

 

If you don't separate and move out right away, I'll tell you what you can change: You're done doing his laundry. Tell him right-out what's going to be happening - let him know it's time for him to start flying out of that nest. Let his clothes in that hamper until they start to mold. Stop setting aside time for him. Don't even mention outings or events anymore and see how he feels when he misses out on them because no one cared to invite the selfish jack-ass. Don't make him dinner. Don't buy him his favorite foods when you shop. Right now, you maintain 100% focus on your needs and those of your son.

 

But really, my advice is separate and move out. He completely takes you for granted. He may well be depressed, but really I suspect it's just immaturity. He may have started regressing after your pregnancy and the birth of your son (some men do that). But he's going to have to learn to stop appreciating his family, and I think that starts with you getting some time away from him.

 

Start talking to friends and see if any of them would be able to temporarily house you or even move into an apartment with you. Some might even know of female roommates who have kids who might be a good match for you to live with in the interim. And family, of course. Try to pick up a part-time job, ask friends to baby-sit for you if need be, etc., to save up some money.

 

And I think that counseling is worth a try, but it's dependent on how willing your husband is to change. And he may not be. But in any case, I think your son would have far more respect for a mother who's struggling to make it on her own, but happy, rather than a mother who wordlessly tolerates her husband's selfish bull**** in a hapless marriage. You deserve far better than that. Kudos to you for all you've managed to handle over the years.

[IzzyB]

Ugh, I'm so tired of dealing with my husbands selfish antics that I can barely stand the thought of reliving it with all of you right now.

 

My husband and I have been married for 4 and a half years and throughout the marriage whether I was working or in school or whatever the case may be I put 110% into our marriage. If I was working full time I would still come home clean the house BY MYSELF and do a million nice things for him (surprises, gifts, clean up after him etc) you name it I did it. While I was working full time I was also in school part time and still kept up with all of the housework that I did before.

 

All I ask of my husband is to clean up after himself (put his dirty dishes in the kitchen, socks in the laundry hamper) and I will take care of everything else. The only other request I have of him is that when I make plans for us or myself (if he agrees that is) that he honor those plans and not screw them up somehow (like getting drunk the night before & waking up hungover and canceling). The reason for this is a logical one as well, I do not make plans very often 95% of my life is devoted to my husband and baby boy (2 years) so when I make plans it's rare and very important to me. Sometimes I need some fun too!

 

This weekend for example was my little boys second birthday party (with the family - we're having another party next weekend with friends only) and my husband went out to a football game last night instead of packing and preparing for the trip. Long story short he didn't make it and I'm visiting family alone. This type of thing happens OFTEN and I'm sick and tired of the disappointments especially after everything that I do for him on a daily basis.

 

I know I want out, I do not love him any more but I still care about him a lot. I don't know why, the only thing I do know for sure is that I care about my little boy more than I care about myself and I don't know what to do.

 

I would do just about anything for my little boy but I can't imagine a life of suffering. My husband doesn't even plan anything for my birthday, our anniversary, anything. I always remind him and he never does anything. He's lazy and selfish and I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot. Every time he messes up he makes a thousand excuses and he says things like "Well I'm learning and I'm changing" and truth be told he is changing AT A SNAILS PACE. I feel as though he does the absolute minimum possible just to prove the point that he has made some changes. Everything to him is about being right and proving a point instead of concentrating on the bigger picture and trying to make me happy.

 

I don't know what to do, the other problem is that I just went back to school and I have years ahead of me. I don't know how I would support myself and my little boy on student loans. I don't want to get out of school and owe so much money. I'm going back to school so that we can have a future.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant.

 

 

Wow OP, I get it! And you have been married only a short time - if you "hate" him now, it will only get worse. That is not a good feeling to have about your husband, particularly with a little boy in tow. Question for you: is he alcoholic? I dont have enough information but you mentioned that he gets drunk or goes out the night before an important event and then cant make it; that is either the traits of an alcoholic, or a very immature, passive aggressive man - or all three.

In either case, I agree with other posters that it would be good to start counseling, stop doing anything for him, and possibly separate while going to counseling. You may find that you like it, and truthfully, separating can actually save marriages by giving both parties time and space to decide what is best for themselves. Missing his child's birthday party and letting you do all of the preparation while he goes out is ridiculous. It is not too late to change the ground rules for the relationship. The ball is in your court. You decide what you want, present it to him, and if he doesnt like it, tell him to get out. Marital counseling is a must, whether you decide to stay or go. Marriage counseling is not just for saving marriages, it is to help the people involved communicate clearly and in a positive way. No matter what, you are coparents whether you stay married or not, thus communication and civility is key. Good luck to you and good for you for realizing this early on that you wont put up with having another child for a husband.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Oh my goodness, your relationship sounds very much like the relationship I had with my most recent ex (the father of my two boys)...

 

If I could go back, I would have left SOONER than when I did. I'm not saying that you could feel the same if you stay and then end up leaving, or that if you stay you won't be happy that you chose to, but if you are humoring leaving, don't let fear prevent you from it. Sometimes people don't change, and even if they get a "wake up call", they "behave" for a short while and revert back into their ways. Being inconsiderate, selfish and lazy is hard to tackle... is it depression? is there a way to find out why he is taking you for granted? It may be harder still to get him to SEE that's exactly what he's doing.

 

My ex wouldn't communicate with me openly ... I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and I burned out and I gave up. When he was losing me he wanted to try... but my feelings for him had been dead for so long... it was too late for me. It's hard to respect a man that doesn't seem to care and is........ lazy.

 

I tried to get my ex to make more effort to do things with my son and I too... and all I asked of him was to not leave his dirty laundry all over the house. But he couldn't even manage that. We eventually ended up living separate lives... after several years, I stopped plating up his meals and just cooked for his mother (whom we had to move in with because he didn't work and my savings were running out and I was terrified of putting my baby in daycare) and my little guy and myself. He'd mope, but he'd just stick something in the microwave, run back into his room to get on his pc game, come back out when it'd beep and take it back into the room.

 

Whatever, I was tired of wiping his booty while his mother went to work and supported us. She and I were like the mom and dad LoL and he was just another child.

 

We (my youngest was just born and my oldest was 4 at the time) struggled when I decided to leave... we slept in a car that my father loaned me on a couple of different occasions and stayed with friends & family until I got on financial aid (it took a few months) --- bless that system. And then I went through a temporary job agency, starting as a dishwasher at a hotel, and they hired me on. I got promoted from there, doing pantry cooking, banquet preps, room service and out-front serving... then I found a room to rent and, though it had cockroaches (god I have nightmares from some of the cockroach assaults... and insomnia/paranoia from watching the baby crib at night and making sure the baby wasn't being swarmed)... but it was a room, a place where I could start putting my own things. I slept on a cot and it was much better than the car =p

 

Then when I had saved enough to get into my own place IT WAS SUCH A GREAT FEELING... empowering and lovely.

 

It's been a few years, and I now live with someone else and am going to school.

 

but it is POSSIBLE to get on your feet, don't worry about the distant future --- take it one day at a time. I think you know in your heart if you want to stay and try to keep working things out or if it's just over. For me it was just over and I only regret not having looked into financial aid options etc and leaving sooner --- depending upon where you live, there may be a whole haven of resources available to you besides student loans.

Edited August 9, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[KathyM]

Definately try marriage counseling before you do anything else. It may be possible to change things. It's worth a try.

[Richard Friedman]

Does he make a decent living or is he a loser in that regard as well? And if so why the hell did you pick this guy in the first place?!

[Lovelybird]

Why would he change if he always has someone to help him out? and wipe his ass for him?

 

I guess you picked the guy because you felt safe with a guy needs you as a mother out of selfish reasons, but now you got bored with this role. You enabled him in his old ways in a sense. If you don't change, then probably you will pick similar guy in the future

 

Being honest and confronting him is part of true love, I guess these are missing in your marriage since beginning.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Lovelybird

[OnyxSnowfall]

Lovelybird ---

 

I agree that it is enabling, or rather, spoiling. But he is responsible for his behavior more than anyone else is...

 

The thing is, at least when I spoiled my ex, it was an expression of my "affection". It wasn't even a conscious thing ----- I think it's presumptuous to claim why the OP picked such a guy. Maybe he wasn't a bum when they met, maybe he was.

 

When I stopped doting and taking "care" of my ex, it didn't matter --- he let everything go. Dirty dishes would be stacked around his computer desk for... weeks. The smells were atrocious. Sometimes I would break down and clear way of everything, but I'd get resentful for feeling "forced" into it. Never mind having help with our firstborn etc.

 

So, at least in my case, even when I stopped he didn't change. I don't think someone can really "ruin" someone else, they have to "allow" themselves to be ruined and to persist in ruin.

[soserious1]

This guy didn't morph into a selfish lout overnight, I'd bet my next paycheck he was this way when you were dating but you were so "in love" you figured being married to you would change him.Then you compounded the misery by bringing a baby into the picture.. now when you're tired and resentful of your self imposed role as beast of burden you want out.

 

 

Instead of wasting energy being angry or trying to change him, why not get into some individual therapy to figure out why you would marry and reproduce with someone who's not even willing to put his dirty underwear in the hamper and who ignores you on basic occasions like your birthday.

 

Work on you, face whatever self-esteem or co-dependent issues that are causing you to accept this sort of relationship, learn to care for you and your baby, set healthy limits with him, he might shock you by starting to behave like a loving husband. One thing is for sure, unless you deal with whatever demons ate lurking inside you, the next relationship will most likely be a repeat of this one, don't you & your child deserve more?

[Lovelybird]

This guy didn't morph into a selfish lout overnight, I'd bet my next paycheck he was this way when you were dating but you were so "in love" you figured being married to you would change him.Then you compounded the misery by bringing a baby into the picture.. now when you're tired and resentful of your self imposed role as beast of burden you want out.

 

 

Instead of wasting energy being angry or trying to change him, why not get into some individual therapy to figure out why you would marry and reproduce with someone who's not even willing to put his dirty underwear in the hamper and who ignores you on basic occasions like your birthday.

 

Work on you, face whatever self-esteem or co-dependent issues that are causing you to accept this sort of relationship, learn to care for you and your baby, set healthy limits with him, he might shock you by starting to behave like a loving husband. One thing is for sure, unless you deal with whatever demons ate lurking inside you, the next relationship will most likely be a repeat of this one, don't you & your child deserve more?

good advice. Hope you are doing fine soserious, you sound a lot different than before

[FarmGirl]

OP - I don't have much advice because I am currently in a wreck of a relationship myself but to the people replying - YOU are so awesome.

Your words hit my heart and my situation too.

This is why I came to LS, to get my eyes to open.