Ex doesn't care we've broken up

[layercakegal]

Hi again everyone,

 

I posted a long post the other day, in this section, something like how to cope when feeling so alone or something. I didn't realise how long it was, and I dont think I got any replies.

 

My ex broke up with me nearly a week ago, after 4 years, by text of all things, and sometimes I feel ok and sometimes I feel like I'm dying and would do anything for a hug off him.

 

He went out drinking last night (on a massive night, which I never liked him doing so of course now he's free he'll do that) and I'm absolutely panicking.

 

I don't think he's at all bothered we aren't together anymore, and after 4 years that's just heartbreaking. To break up with me he sent me 4 texts saying he was done and had had enough - I replied always saying that it can work and I loved him - but seeing how adamant he was, i never replied to the last one. The next day, he changed his Facebook status to single.

 

I just want to know if he misses me, even still loved me at the end, is bothered we aren't together, etc. But he probably wont reply.

 

I feel alone and have so many questions, and no-one to make me feel better

[BrettLost]

Hello Layercakegal,

 

I feel your struggle as many here probably would. It seems as if he (like my ex wife) has checked out of ur relationship without u really noticing. Then when they are ready to end it, we are left completely shocked as to how this could occur.

This forum and the pple within it have helped me tremendously, n im sure soon enough u will recieve plenty of support and encouragement yourself.

 

Being told by txt message is pretty harsh. Unless Im unaware of something significant uve done to cause him to leave, id hold my head high and try to stay occupied time wise. There'l be bad days, worse days, but also rays of hope. Being on these forums will help u gather the hope to where u feel it is HIM that is losing out big time.

 

If he wants out, let him go. Know within urself u deserve better anyway.

Id get off facebook too, or at least remove him, cos soon enough ul start to see/snoop his doings, n itl rip u apart- big mistake i made.

 

(I feel somewhat contradicting giving u advice, because i too am getting help here. But that is the jist of what i am being told too.)

 

Ul be fine. One day at a time.

[layercakegal]

Thanks Brett

 

My faults in the relationship i guess were always getting at him for doing stuff I didn't like (he cheated on me early in the relationship, and I was never happy with him drinking after that, I could never fully trust him as he was so unemotional, hard to read and closed off).

 

Towards the end, he was angry of the weekly arguments we were having. I was too, but always valued the relationship more. Just two weeks before he told me he wanted out, and we both sat and cried, he said he felt awful. I convinced him to stay together. Because that was so recent, I'm holding on to the fact that a small part of him still feels that way, even though he was so cold towards me in the texts.

 

I'm already snooping on Facebook, and so I'm trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. I'm not sure I can cut him out completely and delete him just yet though.

 

I hope your situation improves soon too and you feel better, just keep talking on here

[BrettLost]

Wow ur reply was so swift! haha.

 

It seems that u are waiting on him to make his decision whether to stay or go. Clearly u value the partnership enough to give it a go at fixing it.

 

From my tale of terror:- when she wanted out i got told, it'd be temporary, she still loves me, she'd never really leave etc etc. Now i look back, she was checking out at that point n keeping me as a back up, should her new path turn to s#it.

 

He may be doing the same thing. For me, honesty would have saved me alot of time and pain. Had she laid out exactly what she wanted point blank, id have known where i stood, processed it n dealt with it, instead of it dragging out like taking 6mnths to rip off a bandaid.

 

Look, relationships are about expectations. If either persons are not being met, they'l weigh up whether its worth them investing in it anymore.

U need honesty from him. If ur fully committed to it and he's not, u have the right to know why not. If he umms and ahhs, I'd bail (like i should have in my own situation). U deserve the truth at least hey.

[reimeivn]

when you lost the truth, you lose a lot, almost everything. dont be too hard on yourself. things between my and my ex was the same too. and to be honest, you never never should try to clam down when he acts like that. be proud because you acted out, and you didnt fake, and you didnt stop being you for a boy.

[layercakegal]

Yeah I'm kind of just sitting on here looking for answers!

 

He's told me many times it wasn't working, I knew it myself but a part of me always thought it could. I feel I should have relented a bit more, picked my fights - instead of just saying whenever he did something I didn't like.

 

I wish he'd give me the truth as it would make me feel better I think, or at least help me move on - I think I just have to assume it's over and he's moving on. I just wish I knew if he cared, as I feel like my heart is breaking

 

Just not sure what to do, he's just disappeared off the face of the earth and is acting like nothings happened and I never existed to him.

[BrettLost]

Layercakegal,

 

This is truly one of the hardest things you will have to deal with. After 4 years together it is devastating to have the one u loved, move on as if u were not significant in his life at all. (i couldnt deal with it)

If u are still telling him in any manner that u love him, or you can change to make it work (i did this for 6mnths) u are enabling him to have u as a backup plan.

U have broken up, but mentally for the dumpee, it can take a loooonnngg time to accept the fate that has been unwillingly handed to u.

The choice is to accept it, or be in denial n try to save it. Either way the choice still urs.

[layercakegal]

Thanks Brett -

 

I have tried to save it so many times - when he really didn't want to. On the day he broke up with me I did tell him that I still loved him and wanted to make it work.

 

He wasn't interested and so I've now accepted it in the sense of I haven't tried to contact him - but he is carrying on like normal. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first 'time' and he doesn't even want to know if I'm ok. He knows I get very upset easily and so it feels like he really must not care as he's going about life like we were never together in the first place.

[layercakegal]

hey again everyone - new development.

 

the new post on facebook from him - 'ive just woken up, im still drunk and my head feels like its split in two - all in all a good night then!'

 

this isnt a surprise as he always liked to get hammered. he also added a girl at about midnight as a new friend on facebook.

 

about a month ago he went out drinking with work, and one of them brought a friend - a girl. we werent speaking at the time (in the middle of an argument) and he added her on facebook.

 

i was really annoyed because i didnt think it was appropriate for him to be on his phone adding a new girl on facebook, who i didnt know at all, in the middle of the night while he was still out drinking, when he was purposely not speaking to me.

 

i feel like he really doesnt care. he knows how things upset me and hes taking absolutely no consideration into how i might be feeling - he hasnt bothered to text and say that he hopes we can be friends, or that he's sorry, or that he hopes im ok.

 

im seriously considering deleting him off facebook. im hoping doing this wont cause me to freak out because i dont know whats happening with him, which im partly worried it will.

 

but to be honest, its clear hes done and is moving on, and maybe this is my one chance, in the whole of 4 years where he's always called the shots on whether he'll speak to me or even just stay with me (after an argument he would not text for days until i literally forced him to stop being stupid, and he was always the one to initiate the break ups) for me to have the upper hand, and go 'you know what? if you're done, then so am i. **** off.'

 

that's how i'd like to think i am or would be, but i'm really not sure if i wouldn't panic because then i cant see whats happening with him, and perhaps it could ruin any chance of being civil to one another.