Help with a Moody Husband Please

[MJCA]

Desperately need advice! I have been married less than a year and my husband is constantly changing his moods. we are always fighting about the same things. He is never there for me when i need him. He'll ignore me and show no affection until we have a huge fight and I'll say i can't take it anymore. He'll say awful things and tell me to go and then when i'm walking out the door he begs me to stay and things will be fine and he'll be very loving and attentive for a few weeks and then he starts with the indifference and the I could care less about you routine. I do love him and I want my marriage to work, he also refuses to go to counseling. I'm so tired of him always being so self centered and caring only about himself. What can I do?

[Red Flag Rick]

when i say that i have heard your story before, i have heard it many times...

 

i urge you to do a search on this board with my screen name and learn more about why your man is probably behaving this way - he obviously does not know how to lead your relationship, and from what little i know from your post, he seems to be doing just enough to keep you strung along... but he could have more problems... he is throwing up some huge red flags...

 

think back on your dating experience...

 

were there any signals, or red flags, that you saw or maybe saw as you dated this guy that, looking back now, seem weird to you or different?

 

and how long did you date him before you were married?

 

have either of you been in a marriage before?

 

what are your ages?

[Matilda]

I agree, big red flags are up. Insist that he go to counseling, and if he does not, leave. You have to be strong about this, it doesn't mean anything unless you actually go through with it. Also, make sure you are using a good birth control method, the last thing you want is to bring a child into this mess. You need to sit down and decide what you want out of life for yourself, what your goals are, and what you want in a husband. What you are willing to put up with, and what you aren't. Marriage does involve compromise, but you need to decide what you are willing to compromise about. Abuse is not something you tolerate in any shape or form. I would do a lot of serious thinking about yourself, and what you want, and see if your husband fits into that picture.

[Abused]

It'll only get worse. My husband used to be exactly like that. Then, the Mr. Wonderfuls got fewer and farther between, and he stopped chasing me out the door and begging me to stay...instead, he started saying, "Good ridance, you bitch!"

 

Then, he started shoving me, and hurting me, and acting like he couldn't care less. He'd get angry at me for crying.

 

How long have you been married? I've only been married a year!

[MJCA]

I want to say thank you to everyone who replied to me. In answer to some of your questions, I was with my husband for several years before we got married and there really were no red flags. We argued sometimes like everyone else, but it was always silly and ended with us laughing at each other. Also, we already have a child. And in response to Abused, I have been married less than a year any my husband too, gets angry at me for crying and tells me that I am pathetic. Again, thank you, and advice is always appreciated.

[Red Flag Rick]

MJ, when i saw your last reply and i hear that your husband sees you crying and tells you that you are pathetic, this is another red flag (as if there aren't enough already) that indicates he has no clue what makes a woman tick.

 

women release emotions differently than men, and if any man is reading this right now, when a woman cries, she is not weak, pathetic, stupid, a b*tch, or any other demeaning and degrading definition that you have been conditioned to think is acceptable to define a woman. she is expressing her emotion differently than a man, and it is extremely common for a woman's tears to mean that she is mad as a hornet. so don't ever think that tears equal weakness - this is part of the screwed up perception that keeps so many men from enjoying a healthy relationship with women. if you think tears equal weakness in men or in women, you are the one who is weak.

 

and the irony is, a man who has not taken the time to learn how to lead his relationship properly and manage it for the long term - and this includes reading female signals (red flags) - is truly the one who is pathetic.

 

MJ, there are men in this world who have taken the time to understand that their male conditioning over the years has left them sorely lacking much - communication skills, life management skills, clarity in how they view women, and the list goes on and on... and they have taken the steps to change and become real men... and sweetie, you deserve one of these... you really, really do. you are so worth it. and i wish you had placed this self-value correctly years ago - if you had, this would not be your reality. but it is, so i gotta push on....

 

MJ, don't you ever think that you are not worth having the best man by your side for a lifetime. you are not pathetic, you are not dumb, you are not an idiot, and you are not some two-bit-sex-pit for your neanderthal, knuckle-dragging caveman to drag out and beat over the head daily. the emotional abuse he is giving you is feeding his skewed male ego and you better think long and hard about whether you want to invest what it will take to get this abuser healthy.

 

and sweetie, from what i hear so far, my big gay heart wants to tell you to cut your losses, grab your child, and run, because you need to work on yourself first, and there is a child involved. and let me preface what i am about to say to you by telling you that i truly care about what happens to you so don't ever take my sassy direct style to mean anything less -

 

but sister, if you think that there were no red flags flyin' during the time you dated this bonehead, you need more help and growth than you have the ability to know right now. and this blindness to this past red flag has become a current red flag and you cannot see it.

 

red flags can multiply and morph and reproduce in ways that can be frightening - so they better be caught early and women and men better have the internal tools necessary to spot 'em.

 

so take it from someone who knows you because i have seen this more times than i ever wished with my friends over the years - your perspective is skewed and right now you need clarity like mariah carey needs a hit record. and the sooner you start working on you, the better. cause then you will see that your child needs to be extracted from this hell immediately.

 

and when you hear matilda tell you to pop those birth control pills, she is right on the money. but how you could ever let that bonehead experience you right now is beyond my imagination - he is violating you daily and you are gonna sleep with him? red flag, red flag, red flag. he has taken enough and he doesn't deserve that part of you anytime soon, and in my opinion, ever again.

 

think deeply about what you are willing to invest in him, and at the same time, think deeply about that fact that you desperately need to invest in yourself... and this comes before the knuckle-dragger. and think even deeper about what each day of living in this nightmare is doing to your child. this comes before him, too.

 

he just doesn't get it, and he is draggin you, your child, and this relationship down with every action he takes. he needs help, and you cannot save him, so as wonderful as you are, don't fall into the mind set that so many women do - your natural instinct is to fix, repair, take care of, and nurture - it is what women do, and it is what gets them in trouble when they attempt to fix their man - so it does not and it cannot apply to your man in this situation.

 

the only thing i see that you can do is urge him to seek professional help, and if he goes willingly and any time soon, i'll re-decorate my den with deer heads and animal pelts. listen to what Abused said - she sounds like you in a little while - and your man is showing signs he is headed down Beater Boulevard... you don't need to become a physically battered wife, because you are already emotionally battered to a pulp. again, think of what this is doing and what it will do to your child.

 

your man is a broken man who needs professional help immediately. but he sounds like he is nowhere close to wanting to change, and now that he has nabbed you and stuck a ring on your finger, he has done just enough...

 

and he, in his mind, is through with the Barbie Dream Date phase. and ladies reading this, if you don't think your perfect boyfriend might be doing just enough to keep you strung along until you give it up or marry him, you better skip the next Bunko party and ask a professional if the gay man is right. men will do whatever they can to romance you and make you think you are a Princess (after all, they know this is what you have wanted since childhood), and once they know you are hooked, they will fall back into their old natural macho male driven habits and you will be left like MJ is - broken, shattered, and married to a caveman who thinks his work is done. so this is why you must know how to spot red flags.

 

and MJ, remember why you entered into this relationship in the first place.

 

because you loved him.

 

ladies, love is not enough and you better drop the man-search and wake up and realize this - your conditioning over the years has left you with such a skewed vision of you, your idea of a relationship, and of men, and you have no idea what damage has already been done... if you don't take the steps to build up your self-esteem before you start dating so that you can see the red flags when you are dating, this will be your reality. and as Abused and so many others can attest, it can get worse.

 

and once again, i will bet my Louis Vuitton luggage that if I had one hour to sit down with MJ and discuss her dating experience with The Caveman, I could show her one red flag after the other that she should have seen. i have done it many times and i have seen the mouths of my female friends drop when they truly see what they missed...

 

but MJ, you loved him. and you wanted a husband. and you wanted the dream.

 

and this is absolutely not enough to ensure a healthy relationship.

 

there are no White Knights, there are no perfect men, and there are no white horses transporting the man of your dreams to your front door. love is not enough to save yourself from single-hood, fulfill your dreams, and provide you with a healthy relationship, and most women think it is.

 

and females are absolutely smarter than males and they are built this way for this very reason - but if a females does not tap into her power and learn how to use it to protect herself, she is destined for a lifetime of broken hearts and empty promises from men who don't get it.

 

men are lazy and they will usually do just enough to get you. and i have heard this straight from my str8 male friends, and i have seen it in action, so you better believe it. they learn this when they are in high school, and these days, they actually learn it earlier.

 

growing up, males aren't in their rooms playing house with their dolls and marrying one doll to the next, and they certainly aren't dreaming of Prince Charming.

 

but you are.

 

boys are out playing war and killing each other and riding bikes and playing with frogs. they are taught that girls have cooties and are yucky. so males are never taught that it is important to think about the future and their female partners and what they want in a girl...

 

but you are taught that your entire value comes from marrying the right man.

 

think back on how you grew up - this is your conditioning and it is exactly what has led to your problems with men.

 

so males don't know how to place value on themselves and they never realize their true responsibilities as adult males as they grow up. as a result, male conditioning results in misplaced values - and so they come to think that nights out with the buds, sunday afternoon nascar, football season, deer hunting season, fishing trips, tittie bars, garage hide-outs, and so much more, come before themselves and definitely before their women.

 

and these are the same men who degrade (and kill) gay men and others who do not fit the macho mold, and these pathetic souls are the very ones who think it is normal to emotionally dismiss their female partners once they have done just enough to get them hooked - because they have seen this male pattern all of their lives.

 

and i love the irony that the fag writing this post is so much more of a man than these pathetic idiots. and by the way, i enjoy an incredible relationship with the most respectful, humble, honest, hard working man... his integrity and character are traits that are visible and true, and with every interaction, he continues to show me what a real man is... and he rocks my world and i rock his world. and i deserve him and he deserves me. and it is equal, and it is healthy. and he is "oh my god" hot, and that never hurts, does it ladies... and i did not find him until i placed the correct value on myself. so i have practiced what i preach - and if i can change, anyone can.

 

so these boneheads can degrade me all they want to and i will continue to tell their women what i think they need to do - and if i think the female needs to bolt, as i do in your case MJ, i will say without hesitation that you need to seriously consider your future investment in this uneducated shell of a man. he is gonna need lots of work, but you need some work, too, and i think you come first.

 

so as these men continue to devastate relationships, and as somen continue to set themselves up for failure, i will continue to tell women and men what it takes to experience a healthy relationship. and i will try to keep my forked tongue in check, but when i hear of men like MJ's telling MJ that she is pathetic, my blood boils and my fingers start typing.

 

Discover your value, MJ - you are a commodity and you have value. and the only one who can place the correct value on yourself is you.

 

And you are absolutely worth it.

 

and you better get yourself an attorney lined up, because sweetie, you are gonna need one. but you meet with a professional first and lay all this out for her (and i said "her") and see what she says... she will echo what these three current folks are saying on this post to you, and hopefully you will take the steps necessary to protect you and your child from this dangerous reality.

[MJCA]

Rick

 

For some reason you seem to really know me. I just want to say thank you for caring enough to write what you did to a complete stranger. I have since left, however I find myself feeling alone and unwanted although I know I had to go. I expect that as with anything else, this will get easier in time. So thank you, and please feel free to write again, as I find myself looking forward to your words of wisdom. It actually does make me feel a little better about myself. Thank you, MJ

[FolderWife]

You left!? Where did you go?

[MJCA]

I am staying with some relatives at the moment. I know it may look like I'm running away, but there is more to the story than I have initially said. I felt for a moment that if I didn't go when I did, I never would, and that wouldn't have been fair to myself or my daughter.

[Red Flag Rick]

MJ, you are welcome. we are not strangers.... we all have the connecting factor of being in an unhealthy relationship at one point in our lives, and those of us on this board are a family looking for answers... the reason you feel i know you is because i do. to an extent, of course... i have experienced this pain through many friends, and maybe i went through all that so i could stumble onto this message board and use my experiences and passion to help others... i sure do wish i knew more to help, though... i usually spend 1-2 hours on each post i write, depending on the issue, and i always come away wishing i had more to give...

 

and thanks for the update. it gives me more to think about... so here i go again.

 

it doesn't look to me like you are running away. he ran away from his responsibility as the leader of your family and don't forget it. don't label what i see as your strength as a weakness - he beat you down enough - now that you are away from him, don't continue doing his work for him. you are smarter than this.

 

your perceived weakness sure does look like intuition to me, and intuition is one of the most powerful attributes we have... and i said in a recent post to someone, intuition can save us. although we do not know your entire story, i will accept your action as necessary and i will validate it as your intuition talking. and i want you to validate your action as necessary, too. affirm it, and do not doubt it.

 

you took this action because as you considered it fair to yourself and your daughter.

and you felt, for a moment, that if you didn't go then, you would never go.

 

my point is made. this was your good ole' intuition talking, cutie, and a woman's intuition is mighty powerful - trust it every time.

 

but now you feel alone and unwanted. look at this logically - i think this would be an expected, normal feeling. so accept it as part of the process and keep moving forward with shifting your mind set and sharpening your focus. he set you on a path to doubt your very core - you made an excellent call, i think, in creating distance. now you can begin the process of thinking about all this and what steps you need to take to ensure a positive future for you and your daughter.

 

and let me point this out to you because i know you have not acknowledged this:

 

assuming your daughter is old enough to understand some of what is going on, you just gave your daughter an excellent lesson in what a woman should not accept or expect in a relationship. your exit, and its timing, will be remembered. assuming your daughter is an infant, what a wonderful example you will be able to share with her when she becomes older. mom made some mistakes and got in an unhealthy relationship. she took emotional abuse long enough, and she exited, stage left. now baby girl, let's make sure you have the internal tools necessary so that you do not repeat mom's pattern.

 

and chill bumps just raised up on my arms as i think about the incredible gift this is to her.... hard lesson learned, yes... but what a priceless treasure to give a child...

 

i wonder how many mom's spend the time to ensure the inner strength and value in their daughters... from what i have seen over the years, they spend more time picking out the wedding dress and flowers.

 

so you have this opportunity to start a pattern for her that she can pass on to her daughter... and your recognition of this opportunity should be viewed as a positive step and therefore it has value. so take it. who cares if i pointed it out to you. i cannot provide the action and be there for the lesson, you have to do this.

so it is yours.

 

in a few short minutes, i have noticed two positive, self-affirming items that you didn't - so take over the responsibility of looking at yourself differently now that you have distance. these truths should be used to start building your confidence and value - and i can't quite remember who said this, but i do remember he was a mighty handsome man and he looked so young to be pushing 38 - i mean, 28:

 

"Discover your value, MJ - you are a commodity and you have value. and the only one who can place the correct value on yourself is you."

 

I have just shown you two items that you must use to start placing the correct value on yourself. you absolutely must view this as a necessary step in your journey to you. don't continue the abuse pattern for him. every valuable asset you can recognize is vital right now. if you want to continue updating us on this thread, i will be happy to continue this discovery with you and point out what i see. if you want to email me with updates, type my screen name with no spaces and i live at aol dot com. we cannot list our email addresses on here so i hope you get the picture. but i truly hope you stay right here and update - others are reading this and watching us, and we have the opportunity to save someone or at least be the spark.

 

i want you to do this now, but at least promise me that if you sense (intuition!) that he will become violent, you will see an attorney immediately. i believe you may already have grounds for a restraining order, but all of this is your call (intuition!)... watch him closely - what i do not know about this deal concerns me, and that, plus your exit action really concerns me... so you must be on guard... i suggest a strategic move - line up an attorney, bring her up to speed on his history, and prepare for action. she will tell you how to proceed with a restraining order. don't wait until you have a black eye to visit her. you will not be thinking as clearly as you are now, and we know you aren't in the best state already.

 

remember your daughter from now on with every action you take - build a story that, even though born from your inability to make the correct choice in a man, changes course and creates a legacy that will teach your daughter the incredible power that females have once they tap into their inner strength and take action.

 

i have stopped for a minute to review your initial post and every subsequent post. based on a new look, i continue to know that this is not the man for you. consider any attempts at reconciliation carefully - your daughter, no matter what age, is watching, and one day you will have to explain yourself.

 

well i'll be... i just thought of a third affirmation that you can add to your value...

 

if you will truly recognize that your feelings of loneliness and your perception of feeling unwanted are common in this situation, you can take this and give yourself more value points. this recognition puts these two misplaced perspectives into focus when you recognize them properly, and you are suddenly freed from their burden. see what recognizing this kind of stuff can do for you? acknowledge these two feelings, affirm that these feelings are more probable than feeling like you want to skip merrily down the lane right now, and bring them into focus. they suddenly lose their power and you remain free to think with better clarity.

 

i can't stand it. i found a fourth.

 

print all these posts on your thread (or copy them to your computer) so you can not only review them and pick up new insight (and stay focused), you can also save them for the day you sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart. this is another positive action you can take to empower you and add strength and value. and tell yourself when you do things like this, that every little piece of value you can locate right now is crucial to your recovery and growth.

 

he has taken much - now it is time to rebuild. and you are worth rebuilding. but

with my current knowledge of your situation, i do not think this relationship is worth rebuilding - he has too far to go and you do not have the time. you have a daughter to raise and she deserves a healthy upbringing.

 

and you deserve peace, stability, normalcy, and most definitely a better man.

 

recognize the values i have picked out for you to attach to your worth, and with every future action you take to better your life, remember the value and affirm it. write a list of your positive actions and keep adding to it - this is a great little tool to have on those days when you want to throw a pity party. "i feel so alone... but wait a minute - i've already done this much, and here's the list to prove it... and i have already affirmed that this feeling is normal so i should expect to feel this more than once. and every positive step brings me closer to me, and i continue to know myself better... and this is what i need right now... so i think i will push on..."

 

refer to my post just before i answered yours to a female - it has to do with the steps i took to find my right guy - it is a blueprint that led me to the most incredible man i have ever known... follow those steps and your value will be so high that you will not feel alone as you search for the man you deserve. and mom, you most definitely have something to prove to your daughter. so show her how it is done.

 

it is under this board topic structure:

Transitioning > Friends and Lovers > How can I get closer with a guy?

 

and let me know how you are doing, and increase your clarity by staying close to this board and reading the thoughts of others.

 

MJ, you broke away - now continue to break free.

 

 

"So thank you, and please feel free to write again...It actually does make me feel a little better about myself. "

 

 

This is why i do this. and i have just added it to my value.

and it makes me stronger and it keeps me grounded...

so thank you right back.

[Thinkalot]

I just wanted to wish you luck, whichever road you take from here. Take time to think through all your choices.