Ophelia11 Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) I rarely post or begin threads, but I just need to get some of this out. I am feeling very unhappy although I have all reasons to be positive in my life. I separated from my husband of 17 years about 18 months ago, About two months into the separation, I got involved with someone else. We have been together since. We have had a lot of great times together. We have great chemistry and I find him very attractive. He is also 8 years younger than me. He is also a great guy; caring, generous, and I believe he is genuinely in love with me. I am a mother to three young children and he has taken them on as well. All along, there have been times when I found his personality incompatible with mine or even taxing , but I brushed it off as if it was the age difference, difference in upbringing, etc. Lately, I find that when we are in public I don't feel proud to be with him. My family is at the point of disapproving our relationship because he has offended them with his socially awkward ways. I feel like he tries to the point of lacking any self-authenticity. I also feel embarrassed in front of my family because they think I should be taking time for myself and that he is not right for me. I know that I need to be alone now for the sake of healing from my divorce (i am actually still married pending finalization), but I just cannot bring myself to cut him out of my life. I may go a couple days and then I miss his companionship and call or stop in. And then is starts all over and I start getting annoyed or just feel wrong about us. I feel so guilty for stringing him along. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that I will break it off and end up realizing what a great thing I had with him. I just don't know because I was never with anyone but him since my husband. I am not wanting to date anyone else right now, that seems excruciating.... I feel horrible everyday for mistreating him and not being true to myself. I am just so afraid I am going to regret losing him, and I miss him a lot when we are separated. It is so hard..... I understand that this seems like selfishness on my part, but I am open to any kind of advice on how to move forward. Edited August 7, 2011 by Ophelia11
FitChick Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 (edited) This is why I don't date separated men. They don't know what they want and haven't healed from the marriage. The kindest thing is to cut him loose so he can find someone who likes him for himself. Stop being selfish. You shouldn't date at all if you have young kids. They need you more than ever. Desperate, lonely women with small kids are the prime target of pedophiles. Like shooting fish in a barrel. Find clubs and interest groups of other people doing activities for families to distract yourself. Get your kids involved in sports, scouts, church groups, choir. Edited August 7, 2011 by FitChick
bluenightowl Posted August 7, 2011 Posted August 7, 2011 I rarely post or begin threads, but I just need to get some of this out. I am feeling very unhappy although I have all reasons to be positive in my life. I separated from my husband of 17 years about 18 months ago, About two months into the separation, I got involved with someone else. We have been together since. We have had a lot of great times together. We have great chemistry and I find him very attractive. He is also 8 years younger than me. He is also a great guy; caring, generous, and I believe he is genuinely in love with me. I am a mother to three young children and he has taken them on as well. All along, there have been times when I found his personality incompatible with mine or even taxing , but I brushed it off as if it was the age difference, difference in upbringing, etc. Lately, I find that when we are in public I don't feel proud to be with him. My family is at the point of disapproving our relationship because he has offended them with his socially awkward ways. I feel like he tries to the point of lacking any self-authenticity. I also feel embarrassed in front of my family because they think I should be taking time for myself and that he is not right for me. I know that I need to be alone now for the sake of healing from my divorce (i am actually still married pending finalization), but I just cannot bring myself to cut him out of my life. I may go a couple days and then I miss his companionship and call or stop in. And then is starts all over and I start getting annoyed or just feel wrong about us. I feel so guilty for stringing him along. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that I will break it off and end up realizing what a great thing I had with him. I just don't know because I was never with anyone but him since my husband. I am not wanting to date anyone else right now, that seems excruciating.... I feel horrible everyday for mistreating him and not being true to myself. I am just so afraid I am going to regret losing him, and I miss him a lot when we are separated. It is so hard..... I understand that this seems like selfishness on my part, but I am open to any kind of advice on how to move forward. I think its clear you have reservations about this guy and now you are posting here. To me its clear you want to breakup and should breakup. I wouldn't worry too much about the leading him on part. What's done is done and sometime we need to time to know we don't want to be with someone. What would be worse if you continue to lead him on, and even worse stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. Of course you might feel sad, and you probably regret it at times, but keep in mind too, you are used to being in a long term relationship and being single is a new strange feeling for you. I think if you take some time for yourself, you will feel happier and more prepared and ready for a long term relationship.
Author Ophelia11 Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 This is why I don't date separated men. They don't know what they want and haven't healed from the marriage. The kindest thing is to cut him loose so he can find someone who likes him for himself. Stop being selfish. You shouldn't date at all if you have young kids. They need you more than ever. Desperate, lonely women with small kids are the prime target of pedophiles. Like shooting fish in a barrel. Find clubs and interest groups of other people doing activities for families to distract yourself. Get your kids involved in sports, scouts, church groups, choir. Thank you for your advice. I do think that right now I should probably not date because I need to learn something about myself without being part of a couple. However, do you really think women with young children should not date at all? That seems rough because I know that in time I would like to meet someone to spend my life with. I do trust this man even though I do not think he is right for me. I am very careful about my children and didn't introduce them until several month of dating. However, the attachment that they have made to him is going to be hard to break and I am scared of that too. They have already gone through so many changes with the house, school, their dad, and now another break up.
FitChick Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) ...the attachment that they have made to him is going to be hard to break and I am scared of that too. That's why you shouldn't date. In the future, if you want to have a sexual relationship and party, meet the man at his place or at the restaurant, club, etc., and never bring him back to meet the kids until you have an engagement ring, have booked the church and have checked the pedophile database. I wouldn't even show him photos. Edited August 8, 2011 by FitChick
Author Ophelia11 Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 That's why you shouldn't date. In the future, if you want to have a sexual relationship and party, meet the man at his place or at the restaurant, club, etc., and never bring him back to meet the kids until you have an engagement ring, have booked the church and have checked the pedophile database. I wouldn't even show him photos. Not that any of this really applies to my current situation...but by all means I understand and agree that I need to protect my children. They are my top priority. However, it is presumptuous and offensive to assume that my relationship or wants were/ are just to have sex and party. I admit that I don't have that much experience dating, but I think that dating would mean a lot more to me than going to a club to have sex and party. I am a 36 year old mother and teacher; I don't go to clubs. I eventually DO want my children to have a parental father figure in their life who is respectable, loving toward them. In time, I would like the support of a SO, but I cannot even imagine accepting an engagement or planning a marriage without seeing how the person interacts my children. It is a tough sucky place to be, and after what my husband did (he cheated on my with men in sex shops ) I fully agree head on that you don't truly ever know what a person, especially a man, is capable of doing.
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