jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Hi, About 4 months ago my wife went into a rage over what was basically nothing. I left her alone figuring that she would calm down over time. When it seemed like she wasn't coming down I approached her and asked what was the problem. She then launched into a diatribe about me and stated that she wasted 30 years of her life on a bad marriage. She further said that she still cared about me but that she wasn't in love with me anymore, that I had killed her feelings for me. I managed to calm her down and talk rationally and managed to keep from leaving. I told her we could work it out together. She agreed to stay but she said she would not waste a lot more time on the relationship but she would stay and see what would happen. For 3 months i bent over backwards to express my love and show her that I could provide that which she said was lacking which was showing her I loved her. During that time she did not do anything to help the situation and I told ehr that it would take both of us to fix it. She said that she didn't have it in her to put out any effort. During this period of time she saw that I had changed dramatically and even mentioned it several times but it still had no effect on her. She eventually left to go live with a girlfriend. Since then she has been showing up at the house almost daily. When she does we engage in small talk but nothing about the relationship. We are not intimate but when she leaves she gives me a kiss on the cheek but in the last week she initiated a kiss on the lips which surprised me. This week I asked her to move back home and she refused. She said that if she wanted to be here that I wouldn't have to ask. I asked what is going to happen with us and she said she was going on a trip for 10 days and during that time she was going to think about it and decide. She is very distant emotionally and she exhibits mood swings from one day to the next. I don't know where this is heading and I don't know why she keeps coming to see me when she wanted the separation. Does anyone have a clue as to what she is up to? Any help would be appreciated as I am totally confused and in a hurt locker right now. P.S. I have looked for evidence of OM but have found nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Look harder. There is almost certainly someone else. This is CLASSIC cheaters behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 I have checked her cell phone usage and it doesn't show anything suspicious. Of course she could be using her girlfriends cell or land line. Since she is not here it is pretty difficult to discern anything from her actions. Short of hiring a PI I don't see how i can find out anything. I have asked her several times about this and of course she denies it. I know she will but I was looking for something in her body language or voice but got nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Cheaters always lie/deny their actions. You can't take her word when asking, "are you seeing someone else?" Look harder. There is almost certainly someone else. This is CLASSIC cheaters behavior reboot does make a point Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 This whole thing is new to me. Can I ask what makes you believe that there is someone else? Are there specific things that indicate this? How can I get to the bottom of it short of making her confess? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 This whole thing is new to me. Can I ask what makes you believe that there is someone else? Are there specific things that indicate this? How can I get to the bottom of it short of making her confess? the reason some here think that there is another man is that we have been through this and these things sadly follow the same pattern... she's blaming you, she doesn't want to work on it, she's distant, she's comes around but no intimacy (classic back burner stuff)... going away for 10 days is not good either. Look it is possible that there is no one else, but if there is odds are you won't be getting confessions unless you have solid proof, even then they usually deny for a while. I wish you luck, 30 years seems like a lot to throw away... Right now you are wounded, get up and take charge. Tell her you want to go to couples counseling, tell her it's time to cut the BS and save the marriage. If she refuses to go let her know you'll still be going either way. Going on vacation for 10 days is not going to sway her decision your way, if anything it may make her more distant.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 I agree that a ten day trip is not going to make a difference one way or the other but she insists that she will not make a decision before. 30 years is a lot to throw away and though I and others have tried to make her see the light she refuses. From what little talk we do have about our relationship I get the feeling that she is hesitant about giving it another chance as she has done so in the past and it didn't work out. I admit that I am not the easiest person to live with and have made life for her difficult at times. I can't seem to convince her that I have come to my senses so to speak and that the old person is gone. I gather that she thinks that being away from the surroundings will help her reflect on everything without people talking in her ear. Then she thinks that she will be thinking more clearly. She is suffering with deep depression and has been put on anti-depressants just recently. Bottom line is I do not want to lose her if I can help it. I appreciate everyones help. Can someone explain why she keep coming by to see me when she told me that when she looks at me I remind her of all the bad times? Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Can someone explain why she keep coming by to see me when she told me that when she looks at me I remind her of all the bad times? if her eyes are elsewhere you may be on the back burner... if there is no one else it could be that those 30 years you have together still gives her a connection to you and she can't decide if she wants to break it or not... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Give Divorce Busters a call, they are wonderful for stuff like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Let her go do whatever and live a good life without her. I'm sick of seeing men waste time and effort on women who pull this crap. Give her exactly what she wants and live your life for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 What is Divorce Busters? Do they have a web sight? During the period that we were supposed to be working on it I eventually got accused of pressuring her. She said that it was always about me and what I wanted. I told her that it wasn't about me but about us and our marriage but it didn't matter. As far as she was concerned I was smothering her and forcing her to accept that it could be worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 This whole thing is new to me. Can I ask what makes you believe that there is someone else? Are there specific things that indicate this? How can I get to the bottom of it short of making her confess? Blaming you for everything, revising your marital history, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", secrecy, separation, mood swings, anger, emotional and physical distance. These are all classic signs of cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
carson2002 Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 Blaming you for everything, revising your marital history, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", secrecy, separation, mood swings, anger, emotional and physical distance. These are all classic signs of cheating. Look harder, my wife recently left me after 31 years of marriage in an almost carbon copy way. I could find no evidence of OM and she denied, denied, and denied yet recently met up with my daughter who reports that she is wearing a fancy new ring given to her by a "friend" Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 if her eyes are elsewhere you may be on the back burner... if there is no one else it could be that those 30 years you have together still gives her a connection to you and she can't decide if she wants to break it or not... I guess that's a possibility but maybe she is just feeling sorry for me and she's just trying to ease her conscience. You know if she would just own up to cheating she could be done with all this instead of playing games all this time. If she is so adamant about quitting the marriage why not come clean? All of this just p***es me off. I will be really upset if I find out on my own moreso than if she just admitted it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 Look harder, my wife recently left me after 31 years of marriage in an almost carbon copy way. I could find no evidence of OM and she denied, denied, and denied yet recently met up with my daughter who reports that she is wearing a fancy new ring given to her by a "friend" I feel sorry for you. It is a real blow at this time in life. I mean why do they wait till this time. Why not have done it sooner so that you can at least recover and rebuild your life. The more I think about all this the angrier I get. She bitches that she lost 30 years. Well than so did I. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted August 7, 2011 Share Posted August 7, 2011 She isn't ever going to admit it till you have proof that she can't deny. And even then she'll trickle-truth you for as long as she can. Now I'm not saying she's definitely having an affair, there could be other explanations, I'm just saying that would certainly explain her behavior. Just don't be like a lot of us and blind yourself to the possibility. Keep your eyes open Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 She isn't ever going to admit it till you have proof that she can't deny. And even then she'll trickle-truth you for as long as she can. Now I'm not saying she's definitely having an affair, there could be other explanations, I'm just saying that would certainly explain her behavior. Just don't be like a lot of us and blind yourself to the possibility. Keep your eyes open From what I have read and heard here you can believe that I have no intention of turning a blind eye to anything. I will not deceive myself by insisting and believing that she would never do that. I just want to find answers and a resolution to my hurting no matter where it leads. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 She's cheating. Period. The signs are ALL there. Absolutely, positively classic. Dig harder, you'll find. Make it absolutely clear to her that while she is cheating you'll have no part of it or her. She either comes clean and ends the affair or the marriage is over. Do not back down on this. How well do you know this 'friend'? Meanwhile, research the 180 and start following it. She needs to know that if she chooses to exit the marriage you'll be just fine without her. This sucks but strap in the ride is about to get bumpy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 She's cheating. Period. The signs are ALL there. Absolutely, positively classic. Dig harder, you'll find. Make it absolutely clear to her that while she is cheating you'll have no part of it or her. She either comes clean and ends the affair or the marriage is over. Do not back down on this. How well do you know this 'friend'? Meanwhile, research the 180 and start following it. She needs to know that if she chooses to exit the marriage you'll be just fine without her. This sucks but strap in the ride is about to get bumpy. She stopped by again today. Just small talk nothing about us. When leaving I got a peck on the lips. I'm not concerned so much about her friend. She is not into doing bars/clubs etc. She is more an internet chat room person. If there is another person he was there before she even left. I checked her cell phone for possible evidence while she was here but found nothing to help. She leaves on her trip next monday. When she returns she is supposed to give me the thumbs up or down. I feel I already what the answer will be. Every time she comes home I always end up being in depressed mood for the rest of the day. This really sucks. I wish I could find the evidence it would make it so much easier. If she is has someone else most of her friends would not know about it. The only one who would possibly know would be the friend she is living with and she isn't going to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I guess that's a possibility but maybe she is just feeling sorry for me and she's just trying to ease her conscience. You know if she would just own up to cheating she could be done with all this instead of playing games all this time. If she is so adamant about quitting the marriage why not come clean? All of this just p***es me off. I will be really upset if I find out on my own moreso than if she just admitted it. Because, if she comes clean, it would be admitting she was in the wrong. Several people have had same situations. Their SO leaves because, " You don't treat me right, you don't do enough, you're emotionally distant, you don't help me around the house." This is called re-writing the marriage. The dumpee then makes great strides to fixing these problems within themselves only to find out that there was someone else in the picture. The usual excuse is that they get back is, " He/she isn't the reason we broke up." Yeah....right. Who exactly is she going on this trip with and to where? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 I just wish she wouldn't keep stopping by. I feel better when I don't see or talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Because, if she comes clean, it would be admitting she was in the wrong. Several people have had same situations. Their SO leaves because, " You don't treat me right, you don't do enough, you're emotionally distant, you don't help me around the house." This is called re-writing the marriage. The dumpee then makes great strides to fixing these problems within themselves only to find out that there was someone else in the picture. The usual excuse is that they get back is, " He/she isn't the reason we broke up." Yeah....right. Who exactly is she going on this trip with and to where? One of the times I questioned her about another person she answered don't worry I wouldn't leave you because of someone else. The person she is going with I know well and is no threat. The trip is nothing important to worry about. I know this. I just hate the feeling that I am being played and she is just stringing me along. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 need to shock her, while u might not be able to stop her trip. when she gets back to give you the "thumbs up or down", tell her, honey all your stuffs in storage and heres the key. She's cheating plain and simple. as others have said check out the 180, i would start protecting myself money wise, before she cleans out everything you've worked all these years for. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 She leaves on her trip next monday. When she returns she is supposed to give me the thumbs up or down. I feel I already what the answer will be. Every time she comes home I always end up being in depressed mood for the rest of the day. This really sucks. I wish I could find the evidence it would make it so much easier. . reclaim your dignity... thumbs up or thumbs down?? WTF??? save yourself, your marriage is already over... the "I need to get away to make a decision" BS is just that, a line of BS designed to buy her time... what is that time for? it could be waiting for a guy to commit to her, it could be she needs time to get her finances in order... she isn't using the time to think about you and her I guarantee you that! she'll string you along as long as you let her and if she still has unanswered questions in her mind when you see her next I bet you my house she'll tell you she is still "deciding" what to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 You can prevent her from coming over by asking her not to do so when you are going to home. Set your own boundaries. Why let her dictate? I am glad that you are looking for an OM. Keep looking, you'll find it. What about computer access? Look there. For now distance yourself from her completely. DO NOT make this easy on her. Cut off ANY AND ALL joint accounts, start the process. Start seperating finances, start packing the house. If she asks why make it 100% clear to her that she has made the decsion to leave, you are just following through with the details. Don't be mean or nasty, just factual. Trust me my friend this woman would let you sit in limbo if you let it happen. There are countless other men on here who's wives have tried the same tactic. Don't be another. Like I said, research the 180, dictate your own boundaries. It's ACTION time. You can't control her, you can only control YOU. Good luck, hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
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