30 years together and she wants out

[jpundun]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their help. I really appreciate it. I know that the trip excuse is bull and have from the beginning. I was just giving her the benefit of the doubt. As I said I believe I already know what the answer will be. It will be she wants a divorce immediately or that she is still not sure.

 

If it's divorce then it will be cut and dry. If she tries to hand me the line that she still isn't sure then the game is on. I will stop all attempted communication with me either by phone or in person. I will let her know that as far as I am concerned it is over and that she should do whatever she has to do.

 

Though I don't have any proof right now just by the way she has been acting since the beginning I have always felt that there was someone else. Throughout our marriage we have had our occasional problems but I was always able to reach her but this time it has been totally different. She occasionally has had weak moments were she let her warmth come through but she always quickly recovers.

 

It's hard to accept that a person I believed in for 30 years could turn around and do this to me regardless of whatever problems we had.

 

Just to throw it out there does anyone think that delivering an ultimatum that she make a decision before she leaves is a wise move or just wait for the answer when she gets back and take it from there?

[Tech_E]

I wouldn't give any ultimatums.

 

Don't play into her in any way shape or form. Just follow the 180, get your life back in order. Let her SEE (not by you telling her) that you'll be just fine if this is the path she chooses.

 

Be calm, act in a calculating way and just be ready.

 

I honestly believe she is cheating yes, but that really doesn't much change the way you should act one way or the other. The reality is you cannot prevent her from cheating, if she wants to she will. You can only control what you will accept and how you will act.

 

This 'trip', well it's a load of B/S and you know it. Once again its not like you can tie her down to preclude her from going. You can just decide what it is you'll do.

 

Why must you await 'her' decision? You make your own. Make it crystal clear to her that if she is willing to work on the marriage then you will also (of course if that is what you want), but this moving out and trip stuff ends. On the flip side let her know that if she isn't willing then so be it and you'll proceed to divorce straight away.

[GorillaTheater]

Just to throw it out there does anyone think that delivering an ultimatum that she make a decision before she leaves is a wise move or just wait for the answer when she gets back and take it from there?

 

The problem with presenting an ultimatum is that you'll likely get nothing back but anger and blame, but I'm not a big believer in ultimatums in any event. To me, it's just another way of leaving the "driving" of the relationship to her. Far better for you to make the call whether the marriage will last or not.

 

This "thumbs up or thumbs down" business is bullsh*t. It's offensive and hugely disrespectful. In your shoes, I'd be inclined to call time on the relationship. Divorce? Maybe, maybe not. But I'd tell her not to come over any more unless invited (you've indicated that her showing up every day is hurting you) and that you need some time to decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. Take charge of this mess, and of your life.

[jpundun]

Is it possible to tell her that you suspect that she has been cheating and that is why we can't reconcile? I don't know if I ever will get concrete evidence of her cheating but I still want to put it to her that given the circumstances I am firmly convinced that she is. Will this put me in a weak position?

[jpundun]

Far better for you to make the call whether the marriage will last or not.

 

This "thumbs up or thumbs down" business is bullsh*t. It's offensive and hugely disrespectful. In your shoes, I'd be inclined to call time on the relationship. Divorce? Maybe, maybe not. But I'd tell her not to come over any more unless invited (you've indicated that her showing up every day is hurting you) and that you need some time to decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. Take charge of this mess, and of your life.

 

Your right. I don't know how I have allowed myself to sink to the level that I am at. She has kept me in limbo for 4 months. She keeps waving the carrot in front of me and I like a fool keep going for it. Every time she does something for me of her on volition she always has to add "don't let this give you false hopes". You have no idea as to how much I hate to hear this. It's as if she purposely does something just so she can throw that sentence out there.

[soserious1]

she's done you a HUGE favor, she's removing her menopausal,fugly arse from your sight, there will be no child support owed and most likely zero alimony ordered,all your earnings going forward will be your own, soon you'll be on a beach shagging a luscious young babe and the old crone you were married to will be a distant,rapidly fading nitemare.

[GorillaTheater]

Is it possible to tell her that you suspect that she has been cheating and that is why we can't reconcile? I don't know if I ever will get concrete evidence of her cheating but I still want to put it to her that given the circumstances I am firmly convinced that she is. Will this put me in a weak position?

 

I guess I'd lump this in with the utility of ultimatums: fairly pointless. If she's not cheating, she'll deny. If she is cheating, she'll deny. The only way a confrontation might be useful is if you have solid evidence of an affair.

 

A weak position? Maybe. You know your wife better than we do, but as a rule of thumb you being anything other than calm, cool, collected, and confidant may be seen as a sign of weakness (and now is not the time to be percieved as weak). I think bringing up the possibility of an affair, without any proof, will be brushed off and may well be percieved as weak. The best approach, even though you may have to fake it for a time, is "I'm fine. I want our marriage to work but I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. If that's not you, fine, I'll be okay either way. Worse comes to worse, there's thousands of available women around here and just one of me, and I like those odds just fine."

 

Let her be the one who's wondering what the hell's going on. Let her think about what she's losing. All this is prefaced on her not having an affair, though. If you get information that she is, I personally wouldn't waste any time before seeking a divorce.

[GorillaTheater]

Your right. I don't know how I have allowed myself to sink to the level that I am at. She has kept me in limbo for 4 months. She keeps waving the carrot in front of me and I like a fool keep going for it. Every time she does something for me of her on volition she always has to add "don't let this give you false hopes". You have no idea as to how much I hate to hear this. It's as if she purposely does something just so she can throw that sentence out there.

 

As long as you're willing to be her back-up plan, she won't hesitate to keep stringing you along until she solidifies plans with another man. And whoever you are, you're too valuable to be her Plan B. The only way you can win this game is by not playing.

[jpundun]

I guess I'd lump this in with the utility of ultimatums: fairly pointless. If she's not cheating, she'll deny. If she is cheating, she'll deny. The only way a confrontation might be useful is if you have solid evidence of an affair.

 

A weak position? Maybe. You know your wife better than we do, but as a rule of thumb you being anything other than calm, cool, collected, and confidant may be seen as a sign of weakness (and now is not the time to be percieved as weak). I think bringing up the possibility of an affair, without any proof, will be brushed off and may well be percieved as weak. The best approach, even though you may have to fake it for a time, is "I'm fine. I want our marriage to work but I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. If that's not you, fine, I'll be okay either way. Worse comes to worse, there's thousands of available women around here and just one of me, and I like those odds just fine."

 

Let her be the one who's wondering what the hell's going on. Let her think about what she's losing. All this is prefaced on her not having an affair, though. If you get information that she is, I personally wouldn't waste any time before seeking a divorce.

 

The problem is I dont' think she really cares what I am up to. Also with that in mind at one point i told her over the phone that a divorce is just fine and I was adamant about it. The next day she showed up and as a result she then backed off the idea of divorce.

[GorillaTheater]

Also with that in mind at one point i told her over the phone that a divorce is just fine and I was adamant about it. The next day she showed up and as a result she then backed off the idea of divorce.

 

It's twisted, but this is the way this sort of thing works. Absent an affair, just back way off and take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, delve into your hobbies, meet people and socialize, and give yourself time to get your head on straight and figure out what you want to do.

[andyg99]

The problem is I dont' think she really cares what I am up to. Also with that in mind at one point i told her over the phone that a divorce is just fine and I was adamant about it. The next day she showed up and as a result she then backed off the idea of divorce.

 

I doubt if anyone can give you any better advice than what Gorilla has said in his last couple of posts... It is not a problem that she doesn't care what you are up to, in fact you are probably right, she doesn't. That makes it more than ever a prioriy to listen to what Gorilla said and make yourself the priority, let her know you're moving on since she doesn't want to work it out with you. Let her know that nothig short of her moving back in RIGHT NOW and you BOTH going to MC is the minimum that you will accept...

 

She can either agree or disagree, don't beg, put it out to her calmly and if she is still hedging then just let her now you're moving on with your life... Now more "I need time to think" BS, it's either work with me or goodbye...

[jpundun]

It's twisted, but this is the way this sort of thing works. Absent an affair, just back way off and take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, delve into your hobbies, meet people and socialize, and give yourself time to get your head on straight and figure out what you want to do.

 

Naturally I want to repair my marriage. The question is how to make her want to do the same thing absent an affair. An affair is a deal breaker. I would never be able to forgive and forget. I guess that's why I am determined to find out if I can. If she uses her cell phone while on the trip I may pick up something. If she is into someone else I figure she will be in contact with him everyday. By the way thanks for your input.

[andyg99]

Naturally I want to repair my marriage.

 

then lay out a plan or better yet you and her formulate a plan to repair the marriage... if she can't even sit down and do this then why bother? it takes two to break a marriage and it takes two to fix it... we all know you want to repair it but without interest her you HAVE to move on...

[Steen719]

Hi J,

I am more your age than most of the posters here, I'm guessing. I think marriage is much the same, but also is different when you are older. I am going to suggest something that will not be a popular notion (please be kind to me, I am having my own issues and I am trying to help). Maybe your wife really is not cheating on you, but is just unhappy with the marriage. I know that the chances are good when you are younger that she is cheating, and of course, older women cheat, also, but the increase of women over 55 filing divorce is increasing daily and the reasons have to do with many more things than cheating. If you can get past the AARP politics issues, they have some information they complied on this and if you haven't looked at this and some other information on "Gray divorce" (I know...that title hurts me too ), look at it.

 

You may still end up getting a divorce and it will still hurt like hell, but if she has not cheated on you, that is a plus that only someone who has been cheated on can explain. Of course, none of us knows what is going on for sure and you don't either, but we also do not know what other issues she may be having. I wish the very best for you; I really do. I know that at this point in my life, I thought I would be happily married and looking forward to a great future. I'm not sure the great future is out of the picture, however, so I have some hope.

 

Good luck, J.

[jpundun]

J,

 

You are probably right about the age. We are 60. Though older we both look much younger than are age. It is not out of the realm that someone could hit on her and she go for it. So I can't discard the possibility that she is cheating. I know where you are coming from and I agree that there could be other issues with her that are not disclosed to me or apparent.

 

The biggest problem is that I like you have planned and worked for having a happy marriage up to the end. It is hard for me to accept that after all the years and work put into that idea that she could throw it all away when I know if it's anything short of an affair that it can be worked out. As you know the older you are the harder it is to recover from something like this both emotionally and financially. 30 years is a long time to spend with someone and walk away from it.

 

I will look at the AARP site and Gray Divorce as you suggested. I hope it will help me find a way to get through this in one piece and with my marriage intact. I appreciate your slant on this and wish you the best of luck with your marriage. Maybe someday I hope we can come back on here and let everyone know that we succeeded. Either way take care and I hope that at least it works out for you.

[fltc]

Naturally I want to repair my marriage. The question is how to make her want to do the same thing absent an affair. An affair is a deal breaker. I would never be able to forgive and forget. I guess that's why I am determined to find out if I can. If she uses her cell phone while on the trip I may pick up something. If she is into someone else I figure she will be in contact with him everyday.

 

I believe, as do you, an affair is a deal breaker however it's not a deal breaker in your situation, it's completely irrelevant. What IS relevant is that she's checked out of your marriage so you need to:

 

Consult an attorney, get the divorce started, follow advice from others AND from your attorney about bank accounts, credit cards, etc..

 

She's gone, sorry but get used to it, now's the time to protect yourself, when she returns it'll possibly be too late for saving your assets.

 

BTW, she's almost certainly found someone else, she's just holding on to you as a backup plan in case the OM doesn't work out.

Edited August 9, 2011 by fltc

[Steen719]

Well, fltc is probably right. I do tend to try to see something else..could explain my situation. I guess you do need to protect yourself just in case she is trying to hightail it off with OM.

 

I did want to also inquire about her severe depression and I guess also that you admitted you had been difficult and she did not believe that your change would be for any length of time. I have been there..am there right now..as a matter of fact. I know that feeling of thinking someone's efforts are too little, too late. It makes me sad.

 

I am 60, also...just turned 60, as a matter of fact. Finances, house, kids..all hard to get through when the marriage is long term and if you are in a no fault, community property state like I am..choices are limited. The courts basically don't give a ham sandwich who did what, unless my H spent a lot of money on the other person.

 

Anyway, hang in there and at least you have some varied opinions and mostly helpful posters here. Keep us posted.

Steen

[fltc]

I am 60, also...just turned 60, as a matter of fact.

 

Dang, you're all just kids! I was 60 many years ago, didn't hurt a bit!

[soserious1]

J,

 

You are probably right about the age. We are 60. Though older we both look much younger than are age. It is not out of the realm that someone could hit on her and she go for it. So I can't discard the possibility that she is cheating. I know where you are coming from and I agree that there could be other issues with her that are not disclosed to me or apparent.

 

The biggest problem is that I like you have planned and worked for having a happy marriage up to the end. It is hard for me to accept that after all the years and work put into that idea that she could throw it all away when I know if it's anything short of an affair that it can be worked out. As you know the older you are the harder it is to recover from something like this both emotionally and financially. 30 years is a long time to spend with someone and walk away from it.

 

I will look at the AARP site and Gray Divorce as you suggested. I hope it will help me find a way to get through this in one piece and with my marriage intact. I appreciate your slant on this and wish you the best of luck with your marriage. Maybe someday I hope we can come back on here and let everyone know that we succeeded. Either way take care and I hope that at least it works out for you.

 

See I don't view divorcing after 30 years as a negative, she stayed with you during the lean years, you've finished rearing your jointly created children and they're now successful adults. You've both done your duty and as long as neither of you intends to try to seek alimony you can go forward to start exciting new lives, free from waiting for the inevitable task of wondering which one of you will fail ill first and require intense physical caretaking from the other. Your soon to be ex-wife gets sick? she's not your problem Anymore, she ends up with huge nursing home bills? those won't be your problem either.

 

You will get to walk away with your full half of the marital assets, all of your future earnings intact and as a reasonably healthy 60 yr old man your dating options are a lot more vast than your wife's will be. Frankly, even though it stings losing the comfort of the familiar, I see nothing but positive things for you going forward here, heck you should thank her for ending things now before you get stuck having to feed her,diaper her or pay for her extended care bills.

 

Look on the bright side, she wants out? chances are good she'll give up plenty in the settlement to have the divorce over and done with painlessly, at this time next year you could be sitting somewhere tropical enjoying the company of a buxom 40 yr old who's thrilled to have your attention.

Edited August 9, 2011 by soserious1

[jpundun]

See I don't view divorcing after 30 years as a negative, she stayed with you during the lean years, you've finished rearing your jointly created children and they're now successful adults. You've both done your duty and as long as neither of you intends to try to seek alimony you can go forward to start exciting new lives, free from waiting for the inevitable task of wondering which one of you will fail ill first and require intense physical caretaking from the other. Your soon to be ex-wife gets sick? she's not your problem Anymore, she ends up with huge nursing home bills? those won't be your problem either.

 

You will get to walk away with your full half of the marital assets, all of your future earnings intact and as a reasonably healthy 60 yr old man your dating options are a lot more vast than your wife's will be. Frankly, even though it stings losing the comfort of the familiar, I see nothing but positive things for you going forward here, heck you should thank her for ending things now before you get stuck having to feed her,diaper her or pay for her extended care bills.

 

Look on the bright side, she wants out? chances are good she'll give up plenty in the settlement to have the divorce over and done with painlessly, at this time next year you could be sitting somewhere tropical enjoying the company of a buxom 40 yr old who's thrilled to have your attention.

 

soserious,

 

I like your take on things. You're right about all of it. In fact the spouse has just found out that she has a serious medical condition that will haunt her for the rest of her life. So a divorce would certainly save me a lot of problems down the road. The only negative I see to this is that she has already let me know that she would be seeking alimony and since her part time job is certainly not enough to keep her I am sure she would get it. She would also get have my pension from my first job.

 

I know that I will in all probability fare better than her in all ways. That's why this is all so crazy. I mean can't she see the downside to her doing this? Well it doesn't matter. I have made my mind up to the fact that a divorce is imminent and I know that I will survive it.

 

I have dug myself out of the hole that I was in and feel good about the future. I have a new perspective on this whole situation. Everyone on here has helped me a lot and I really appreciate it. It's really amazing that for the first time since this has started I actually feel at ease. The anxiety that I labored under these past months is gone. I can honestly say I really don't care what she does and I am done with all this drama.

 

"heck you should thank her for ending things now before you get stuck having to feed her,diaper her or pay for her extended care bills".

You're so right.....

[GorillaTheater]

You sound good, J. Now it becomes a money game; she'll try to get as much as she can from you. Protect yourself as much as you can.

 

No proof of an OM in your situation, but do you know whether in your state alimony is effected by infidelity?

[soserious1]

soserious,

 

I like your take on things. You're right about all of it. In fact the spouse has just found out that she has a serious medical condition that will haunt her for the rest of her life. So a divorce would certainly save me a lot of problems down the road. The only negative I see to this is that she has already let me know that she would be seeking alimony and since her part time job is certainly not enough to keep her I am sure she would get it. She would also get have my pension from my first job.

 

I know that I will in all probability fare better than her in all ways. That's why this is all so crazy. I mean can't she see the downside to her doing this? Well it doesn't matter. I have made my mind up to the fact that a divorce is imminent and I know that I will survive it.

 

I have dug myself out of the hole that I was in and feel good about the future. I have a new perspective on this whole situation. Everyone on here has helped me a lot and I really appreciate it. It's really amazing that for the first time since this has started I actually feel at ease. The anxiety that I labored under these past months is gone. I can honestly say I really don't care what she does and I am done with all this drama.

 

"heck you should thank her for ending things now before you get stuck having to feed her,diaper her or pay for her extended care bills".

You're so right.....

 

 

First off, if I were you I'd be praying that she does indeed have another man

as it will give you some leverage, she wants out quickly,cleanly without being exposed socially? then she agrees to settlement terms that are more favorable to you. The medical is a biggie, if possible she needs to get her own coverage through her employer, you also need a really skilled lawyer to hopefully limit your liability for her long term medical care.. say exposure only for 5 yrs when she's eligible for medicare.

 

If it were me I'd draw out the process as long as possible, any chance you can afford to retire at age 62?, possibly returning to work on a consultant basis once the divorce and fiscal settlement is over?

[David Cain]

She gave you a peck on the lips as she was leaving? I hope you washed your mouth. No telling where he lips have been.

 

Be glad all the kids are out of the house.

[David Cain]

First off, if I were you I'd be praying that she does indeed have another man

 

She already has another man. And why the hell would you advise him to think of something like this when he's obviously hurt by it.

[soserious1]

She already has another man. And why the hell would you advise him to think of something like this when he's obviously hurt by it.

 

Why? because if she has another man chances are good she's going to want a reasonably speedy divorce & would most likely be very agreeable to a fiscal settlement that's more favorable to the OP.