30 years together and she wants out

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, sounds like you're largely squared away. But consider giving her the quick, easy divorce she wants. You don't want to wind up shooting yourself in the foot by making things tough on her. Keep this in mind: your best revenge will be moving on to lead a successful, happy life without her. Everything you do should be done with this goal in mind.

 

Talk to the lawyer about a temporary order giving you exclusive possession of the home.

[jpundun]

Okay, sounds like you're largely squared away. But consider giving her the quick, easy divorce she wants. You don't want to wind up shooting yourself in the foot by making things tough on her. Keep this in mind: your best revenge will be moving on to lead a successful, happy life without her. Everything you do should be done with this goal in mind.

 

Talk to the lawyer about a temporary order giving you exclusive possession of the home.

 

As always good advice. My problem is that right now I am full of rage. Regardless of what went on during the marriage doing this to me is despicable and as I see it she did it with the intention of making my life miserable for as long as she could.

 

The idea about the temporary order is a good idea. I will look into it. Just a tip for everyone. To lower the expense of PI's do what I am going to do. I am buying a GPS tracking device. It makes it a lot easier and less time consuming for the PI.

[GorillaTheater]

My problem is that right now I am full of rage. Regardless of what went on during the marriage doing this to me is despicable and as I see it she did it with the intention of making my life miserable for as long as she could.

 

Then the best solution is to get her the hell out of your life as quickly as possible.

 

Understand that she probably wants you to be angry and jerking her around, whether she'll ever admit it to herself or not. She's re-written your marital history to make you out to be the a-hole who's ruining her life. We both know that she's ruining her own life, but rationality doesn't have anything to do with what we're discussing here.

 

Of course you're pissed, and you probably will be in this phase for a while longer, but understand that it is just a phase and will pass. Every time you show her you're angry or do anything that smacks of jerking her around, you're just playing into this dark fantasy she's built. "See, I KNEW he was a rotten bastard!"

 

Screw that, go for the appearance of indifference around her. You already know that that gets under her skin. And beyond pissing her off, indifference (real or even faked) will serve you much better than anger in getting on with your life.

[jpundun]

G,

 

Again you are right. Playing into her game is just giving her ammo. I guess it's just because I am deeply hurt by all this and find it hard to believe that the one person I completely trusted turns around and does this to me.

 

I am going to try for indifference as best as possible. Perhaps as the days go by I will settle in to what it is.

 

C,

 

No worry friend. She cannot get me to the point of giving her a weapon. I would rather smash my head against a stone wall. The hard proof is what I want and need for closure.

[GorillaTheater]

Something that Clume said made me think of false domestic violence complaints. It'd be a good idea to buy a VAR and carry it with you whenever you're around her. My state, Texas, may not have alimony (and God Bless the legislature for getting something right), but DV complaints are filed in nearly half of all divorces around here, and I have to believe that the majority of them are false. Protect yourself.

[Steen719]

Yes, protect yourself, by all means.

 

I would really try very hard to remain upbeat and, if not happy, pleasant. The reason I say this is not for her sake or to better position yourself, but because I think that will drive her nuts. Be agreeable....Walk out of the room acting like you are in the middle of doing something if you have to (texting, answering phone..etc.) just so you don't engage in argument. That is what I do....I just act like all is alright with the world and he just sits there with this look on his face like ???? She is brewing for something, I would say.

 

I am still here in my house with H and I know how hard it can be. Good Lord, he is yapping at me right now...I just say...oh, OK, every now and then. I have asked him to go to the other room (like he did for 5 months constantly on facebook and not even eating with me after I cooked, but eating in front of the computer), and now I can't get rid of him. Too little, too late. If it gets uncomfortable, I just get up and move to another room for a while. I am trying to light a fire under him to start getting the things done on the house that need to be done to sell it. UGH!!!

 

Best to you, J. I hope things get easier for you.

[andyg99]

Damn right. Maybe even install a few cameras around the house. Can never be too careful.

 

yeah, I was thinking about this... if he even thinks there is a small chance that she may trump up false charges then another possibility is to have someone else move in... a close female relative perhaps, just say it's to share expenses or something and at least he'll have a witness to what went on (or actually didn't go on)... because she can pretty much say ANYTHING and he'd be arrested...

[jpundun]

yeah, I was thinking about this... if he even thinks there is a small chance that she may trump up false charges then another possibility is to have someone else move in... a close female relative perhaps, just say it's to share expenses or something and at least he'll have a witness to what went on (or actually didn't go on)... because she can pretty much say ANYTHING and he'd be arrested...

 

Thats an idea but the problem is that if she gets a protection order on me it won't matter at the time whether there are witnesses or not. I will still be put out until the hearing at least. It would still be a huge hassel.

 

S,

 

I have read your thread but I don't remember the particulars. Can I ask a question though? If he has changed for the better and it seems permanent why would you not take him back into your heart?

[Steen719]

Hi J,

Well, as Lewis Grizzard said he "tore my heart out and stomped that sucker flat". We have been married for over 22 years. One month after buying our house in '97, he decided to leave to move back to the city we had moved here from..his hometown. I really did not know what was going on..AT ALL!! My son was 7, I didn't know what to tell him. I went to a lawyer and she asked me where the cookie was and I said, oh no cookie...well, there was a cookie for 5 months. He compared me unfavorably to her when I discovered it. I stayed when he asked me to....he acted contrite..I had a 7 year old son who needed his dad. Time went on and in 2009, he began treatment for Hep C, became very ill and ended up having a liver transplant June 2010...he was hospitalized 3 times in 2010; one time during his hospitalization, my brother died and I could only go home for a couple of days (brother's wife is my best friend).

 

We moved to another city (maintaining 2 homes with only me working...I teach online from anywhere), went pretty heavy into debt. Surgery was successful..things started improving and then Dec. 2010, he found facebook and became obsessed. He started being on it all day and night long (really some days 12 hours at a time). By this time, he was pretty healthy..could work outside with no problem, but spent every waking hour on facebook and no time with me. He ate (what I had cooked for us) in front of the computer...I ate alone. He added many, many women as friends..some really inappropriate women..21, 22 or so and he is 57. He added dancers, etc. I told him I was unhappy with all of this..then he started calling "friends", the female type. Annual check-up in other city..he spent every night until 2 or 3 in the lobby on FB and I found him outside twice talking to other women. I went home for a month (planned way before this to help my s-i-l get things straight after brother's death) and he took the women off. We talked about trying to make our relationship work when I got back August 1, but still no transparency, but on FB a lot. I installed keylogger and among other things (also not good), I discovered he was in touch with the woman he had the affair with in 1997 and the contact was at the end of July. This was the last straw. I'm sick of it and I want some peace. (Oh, and the women are back on and then some)

 

I would not trust him as far as I could throw him. I am bending over backward to be fair to him. I know he has had a life altering event, but I was right there with him and I would have stayed for the rest of my life, but not through this crap again. I have some anger, but I also really have sadness that I just don't want to try anymore. I really did love him and while I am not perfect, I can say that I have never been unfaithful and have always tried to support him.

 

I don't know...maybe I am wrong???

[andyg99]

I don't know...maybe I am wrong???

 

no - you are not wrong...

[Steen719]

no - you are not wrong...

 

Thanks, Andy. He doesn't believe me, although I have started the paperwork online. He asks me for sex 20 times a day, talks about my breasts (nothing new there) and says (just now when he left) that he won't have sex with anyone else because he giving me the benefit of the doubt. EGOMANIAC!

[jpundun]

Steen,

 

I give you a lot of credit. I could see my wife walking for sure if she went through what you have been going thru. This makes it even harder for me to understand why my wife wants to do what she is doing. She has never even remotely been thru what you have and yet she is bailing on me.

 

I like you never cheated on spouse in my entired married life. There were many times I could have and it was offered to me but as far as I was concerned I was taken and never gave cheating a second thought. I believed that mariage was death do us part. I guess my spouse doesn't believe that way.

 

Take heart you are not wrong and you have gone the extra mile. I wish mine would.

[Steen719]

Thank you for your kind words. I think I have always stayed because I am hard-headed and always want to find a way to make it work, but the Psychologist I saw said he thinks that while I am intelligent and seem to be confident (his words), I am not confident in my own personal choices with this marriage. Sooo, it may not be that I just have a stick-to-it personality, but also lack confidence in my choices. I don't know. I do value honesty and fidelity, though, and H cannot change that about me!

 

It is sort of hard to imagine why your wife is just leaving to be leaving. I guess it is possible and I know when we read the stories here, we get so much evidence that there is someone else, that it is hard to believe anything else. I guess I would investigate her, too. I did and I am also in a no-fault state. I wanted to know for my own benefit and as it turns out, it helped me realize that I need to move on. It is really hard to imagine life without someone when you have had them in your life for so long; in your case 1/2 of your life. I am facing it too, so I know. I'm glad you get to keep the house. Sadly, I am actually leaving with less than I came into the marriage with. H is able to work, but has not gone back to work yet, so I am giving him more of the assets in order to not pay him support. I think I would have a very difficult time with that.

 

Well, let us know how your investigation goes. Go out and have some fun if you can.

[jpundun]

Well an update:

 

She didn't file that day as I believed she was doing but she hasn't said she is not going to file so it may come this week.

 

The strange thing is that I have been more or less acting carefree around her and for the past two days every time she goes out or goes to bed (separate rooms) she gives ma an unsolicited kiss. What the hell does this mean?

[andyg99]

Well an update:

 

She didn't file that day as I believed she was doing but she hasn't said she is not going to file so it may come this week.

 

The strange thing is that I have been more or less acting carefree around her and for the past two days every time she goes out or goes to bed (separate rooms) she gives ma an unsolicited kiss. What the hell does this mean?

 

it means she's f-n with your head...

[jpundun]

it means she's f-n with your head...

 

Andy,

 

Why in the hell would she do this now? Isn't filing for divorce and ending it enough? She gets more bizarre every day.

[andyg99]

Andy,

 

Why in the hell would she do this now? Isn't filing for divorce and ending it enough? She gets more bizarre every day.

 

if I had the answer to that I'd put it in a book and make a billion dollars over-night...

 

it could mean a lot of things... it could mean she still wants you around just in case (back burner), it could mean she wants to keep you weak and guessing. Maybe filing is too expensive for her and she wants you to pull the trigger. Try to ignore this stuff. Unless she wants to sit down and discuss the situation (whether it be reconciling or divorce) like two adults then ignore the BS. Here's a good BS test: if it makes you scratch your head and wonder "huh? what? what did they mean by that? why did they do that?" then it's pure 100% BS....

[Steen719]

Well an update:

 

She didn't file that day as I believed she was doing but she hasn't said she is not going to file so it may come this week.

 

The strange thing is that I have been more or less acting carefree around her and for the past two days every time she goes out or goes to bed (separate rooms) she gives ma an unsolicited kiss. What the hell does this mean?

 

If she is really not seeing anyone else (and you should know that soon, I guess), then I would say she could be

 

1. really conflicted about what she is doing

2. messing with your head

3. wants you to be the "bad guy" by filing

4. wants you to pay for the divorce

5. is angling to get the best position somehow

or

6. is just really screwed up

 

You know her better than anyone (well, maybe...), so what does your gut tell you? Also, when does the PI start working for you? Will she sit down and talk to you about what she wants? I feel like Andy does; if she will not sit down and talk to you, then ignore all of the rest.

[jpundun]

To be honest we meaning the family believe that she is either having an affair or is screwed up. At times she acts/talks really screwed up and it's been noticed by many but these instances come and go.

 

I have asked her many times to explain to me what is going on. One minute it's this and the next it's completely the opposite. I told her in all honesty that I am just trying to understand all of this but she gets irate and goes off on a diatribe.

 

All I find myself doing is saying "I don't know" when it comes to everything that has transpired. I am really at my wits end. I can never get a straight answer out of her and if she does respond it usually doesn't make sense which causes me to question her more which causes her to become angry.

 

I never know what to expect each day. It's like this preoccupation with divorce. She did that once before in almost the exact same way.

 

She insisted that we file the very next day and when I balked at that she became very loud and told me that if I didn't go along with her she would do it herself. We were separated at that time. The very next day she shows up and gives me a big hug and tells me that we can take it slow and see what happens.

 

Well she is doing basically the same thing now. She hasn't mentioned filing since thursday and since then it's been nothing but sweetness and little kisses. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am in a constant state of anxiety and suffers with anxiety attacks. I of course don't allow her to see this.

[Steen719]

What was her reason last time?

 

When does the PI start?

 

I hate it when someone tries to mess with my mind. I need every bit of it to get through the day!

[jpundun]

What was her reason last time?

 

If you are referring to the divorce it happened about a month or two ago and it's always the same story. "You killed my love for you and it's not coming back" "I don't want to try" "I gave you enough chances" etc.

 

When does the PI start?

 

He can't start for at least another week. He is busy till then with other jobs. By then I will have the GPS tracker.

 

I hate it when someone tries to mess with my mind. I need every bit of it to get through the day!

 

She seems to want to screw with mine almost everyday. It's almost like she is trying to exact revenge. She told me thursday that I shouldn't be doing nice things for her as it will only make it worse for me.

 

I am ready to explode or lose my mind or both.

[Steen719]

She insisted that we file the very next day and when I balked at that she became very loud and told me that if I didn't go along with her she would do it herself. We were separated at that time. The very next day she shows up and gives me a big hug and tells me that we can take it slow and see what happens.

 

^^^^^

I must have misunderstood that. I thought you meant this was another time that she did this. See, I told you I needed all of my mind and the POS is sucking it away! :laugh:

 

Well, I feel for you. It is so hard being in the same house, I know. H is out tonight. Keylogger shows some woman is here from Long Island seeing a band play..same one he went to see and he said to her that he hopes he gets to meet her. (She must be a facebook friend of the band as H is, too..one of his blood and bones friends) She has some of the biggest bozoomas I have ever seen on a woman....so I am sure he will be working this up. UGH!! This divorce and move cannot happen soon enough. I read the keylogger daily to keep me on track. It helps me when I am sad about the marriage ending. I read something like that or look at the inappropriate women he has on there and think..OK...I can do this.

 

Try to stay away from her. Can you go out somewhere with family or friends? My friends are all married and I have no family here, so I am on here and working intermittently.

 

Don't lose your mind...you need yours, too!!!

[jpundun]

S,

 

No you are right. This is the second time and what I related was the first time. I haven't heard anything about this time yet.

 

I am sorry for your situation but at the same time you are so lucky that you were able to detach. I wish I could feel so detached. Then I wouldn't feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself daydreaming a lot about not giving a flying f... about it all. It is so relaxing.

 

Unfortunately for me there is no where I can go to get away from her. The only positive thing is that I work evenings and she is usually working during the day so we don't get to see much of each other during those days. It's the days off that are the worst.

 

If she goes through with the D at least I will have my two loyal and loving dogs to keep me company. I don't have to worry about them turning on me.

[Steen719]

Well, I guess I sound detached, but it still hurts. I just haven't cried in a while because I have been going through this for quite a while. Also, I am facing in black and white some scummy stuff, so it makes it easier to see my path. I am very sad in the morning until he gets up and talks. Then I get less sad as the day goes on.

 

Since I work from home, I am here a lot until I hopefully get the part time job I think I will be getting. H has been out a lot, though, doing who knows what?

 

I also have 2 dogs, a 3 year old Golden Retriever and a 12 year old Welsh Corgi and they will go with me, although in mean moments, H says he'll take them and hide them from me. Nice, huh? The Golden was a Christmas gift for me.

 

At least you are out at work. It all sucks, doesn't it? But look at how many people get through this and come out better. There are a lot of stories right here about people who feel better after a while. And really, you are not even sure of what is going to happen. It could be better than you think. I sure hope so, J.

 

Well, back to work for a while. I like the breaks better than the work:rolleyes:

[jpundun]

Well I think I'm going to throw in the towel. I give up. There seems like there is no way I will reach her and she is adamant about not being together. I've done everything I could to salvage the marriage but I just couldn't do it myself.

 

I feel bad but at the same time with the acceptance in my mind that it is over I feel like a pressure was lifted off of me. She hasn't said any more about the divorce filing but I am sure that is only a short time away.

 

It's funny that when I finally catch up to where she was she is no longer there. It seems like we have reversed roles. She no longer cares and to me the marriage is the most important thing to me. Oh well there is no sense dwelling on it. I have to face that it is done and that I will have to start to build a life alone.