30 years together and she wants out

[Steen719]

Sorry J. At least you know she is not interested in trying. Are you still going to use the PI?

[jpundun]

Sorry J. At least you know she is not interested in trying. Are you still going to use the PI?

 

S,

 

Yes I am still going to do that just for peace of mind. If she is involved with OM at least that will explain a lot about her actions and words. If she isn't then I will assume that she just doesn't feel like making a go of it and fancies her freedom more.

[Steen719]

Good luck and let us know. Have you looked at her phone records yet and her computer? A keylogger?

[jpundun]

Good luck and let us know. Have you looked at her phone records yet and her computer? A keylogger?

 

I checked her cell phone records and could not find anything. I would assume that she would be wise enough to know that I would be looking there. As for a computer she is not computer literate. She wouldn't even know how to turn one on.

 

I had bought her a laptop years ago because she wanted to learn how to use a computer. Well she hasn't sat in front of that thing since I bought it.

 

If she is cheating I know that the only way I will find out is by doing what I'm doing. If she is it will make things a lot easier for me. Her games with me would be over.

 

How's your pups? I always loved Golden Retrievers. I have two yorkies and when she goes I will be buying a schnauzer. Wonder how she would feel about being replaced by a dog?

[Steen719]

My Golden is a great dog..they have the best personalities..very sweet. The Corgi is a little dumb (but also sweet)..can't back out from behind the sofa and is afraid of the a/c fan and fan on fridge. He goes by the return in the hallway by getting as far as he can to the other side, looks at the grate and then runs by it. He is a little grumpy, but he is almost 12.

 

Well, she might not like replaced by a dog if you call it her name....NOW, I AM JUST KIDDING HERE...NO SLAMS!!!! That was mean, but a little funny.

 

When H was leaving years ago, I bought my first golden and he kept saying, but "I don't want such a big dog" and I kept saying, "well that's OK since you are leaving". Of course, she was a golden so he fell in love with her..probably why he stayed...I think I'm funny tonight. I did tell him that she was my consolation prize, though.

 

Hang in there and you will soon know at least if she is unfaithful. Best to you.

[jpundun]

My Golden is a great dog..they have the best personalities..very sweet. The Corgi is a little dumb (but also sweet)..can't back out from behind the sofa and is afraid of the a/c fan and fan on fridge. He goes by the return in the hallway by getting as far as he can to the other side, looks at the grate and then runs by it. He is a little grumpy, but he is almost 12.

 

Well, she might not like replaced by a dog if you call it her name....NOW, I AM JUST KIDDING HERE...NO SLAMS!!!! That was mean, but a little funny.

 

When H was leaving years ago, I bought my first golden and he kept saying, but "I don't want such a big dog" and I kept saying, "well that's OK since you are leaving". Of course, she was a golden so he fell in love with her..probably why he stayed...I think I'm funny tonight. I did tell him that she was my consolation prize, though.

 

Hang in there and you will soon know at least if she is unfaithful. Best to you.

 

S,

 

Dogs are much better than most humans. They give me a reason to get up in the morning. Now they are giving me a reason for coming home. I am beginning to really dread coming home. It's almost an aversion. I have been very anxious today for some reason and I feel like I'm losing it.

 

I really can't handle this anymore. The only time I get any peace is when I sleep. Every waking moment is a nightmare. I just wish this would all just go away. Instead it is right here in my face.

 

It's hard not to fall for a retriever. They have such a great disposition. I appreciate your taking an interest in my problem especially since you are having such a hard time yourself. I guess it's true that life is a bitch and then you die. I hope you get relief from your suffering somehow. I know it is hard to let go of people when you have spent so much time and emotions invested in them.

 

Take care and stay strong.

[Steen719]

Thanks, J and you stay strong, too. Really try to go do something you want to do tomorrow, even if it just going to a movie. Ask a friend or a family member to see a movie and go out to eat...anything to get out.

 

Talk to you later.

[jpundun]

Just finished reading this thread.

 

Good God, man I don't know how you put up with it.

 

You know I get that from a lot of people. Actually it's a lot worse than I write about. There are many things that she has done and said that would drive anyone crazy.

I guess I just didn't want to give up on the marriage. I'm mission oriented and hate to admit defeat. At this point though I think that all my attempts had little to no effects and I am just beating a dead horse. She refuses to work on the marriage and I can't do it alone.

[jpundun]

Thanks, J and you stay strong, too. Really try to go do something you want to do tomorrow, even if it just going to a movie. Ask a friend or a family member to see a movie and go out to eat...anything to get out.

 

Talk to you later.

 

I appreciate the suggestion but I have to work today. So I won't be home long. She is going to a friends barbecue anyway. Even if I wasn't working I wouldn't be invited as my wife says during the last diatribe that she doesn't want me to go anywhere with her and she no longer considers us husband and wife.

 

The anxiety has already started and I will be like this till I go to bed tonight. I talked to my sister last night. She says that I should just throw her out and if she refuses to go just make it unbearable for her till she leaves.

 

The problem is I can't get rid of her till I'm done with the PI. I may have to go through this everday for the next month. I am not one to pray but I have actually asked to be relieved of all this pain and suffering. I hope he was listening.

[Steen719]

One way or another, it's got to get better. Hang in there.

[jpundun]

Well it's been about a week since she told me in no uncertain terms that she was fialing for divorce. As of yet I have seen nor heard anything more about it. She acts like nothing has happened and talks and acts like we are the best of buddies.

 

Again I am totally confused by all this. She seemed so emphatic about filing immediately. Now that the ball is in her court I see nothing.

 

No matter. I know I can't trust her so I have found a good divorce lawyer and have set up a meeting with him for tomorrow. We are going to go over all the usual and he will let me know where I stand financially and otherwise. He also asked if I wanted to file myself and get the ball rolling. I told him I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do at this point.

[andyg99]

We are going to go over all the usual and he will let me know where I stand financially and otherwise. He also asked if I wanted to file myself and get the ball rolling. I told him I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do at this point.

 

get all the figures you need from the lawyer and then maybe sit down with her and give her a big WTF? tell her you are ready to file unless she agrees to work on the marriage - counseling, whatever it takes... there's no way she can throw out something like filing for divorce and then pretend nothing is going on... tell her to lay it all out or you will file yourself... she messing with you big time!

[jpundun]

get all the figures you need from the lawyer and then maybe sit down with her and give her a big WTF? tell her you are ready to file unless she agrees to work on the marriage - counseling, whatever it takes... there's no way she can throw out something like filing for divorce and then pretend nothing is going on... tell her to lay it all out or you will file yourself... she messing with you big time!

 

Andy,

 

I thought about sitting down with her and going over the numbers with her. I believe that she has no idea what she is really facing financially. I dropped that idea as I know that she will just tell me that it doesn't matter and that she will get by somehow without me.

 

As for the the big divorce speech I had to suffer through all I can say is that she has basically pulled this before and backed off. The reason I'm seeing a lawyer is that as screwed up as she is she is liable to submarine me and I don't want to be be caught off guard.

 

I am going to prepare myself for the worst. Offering her ultimatums won't work. I feel myself reaching the saturation point and when I hit it I will lay the divorce line on her and mean it. Hell just be doing what I'm doing tomorrow is one step ahead of her. He said he will file the day I tell him. After telling him part of the roller coaster ride I've been on he thinks that a divorce is a no brainer.

[Steen719]

Limbo is a very difficult place to be in, but at least you are doing something proactive for yourself by seeing the attorney. I think she is waiting you out, thinking you will pay for it.

 

Hope you get good news tomorrow about how your situation looks. I think when spouses want to leave us and cheat and lie, they should have to pay for the divorce and NOT GET ANYTHING from the other spouse other than their half of everything...no extra money. UGH

[jpundun]

Limbo is a very difficult place to be in, but at least you are doing something proactive for yourself by seeing the attorney. I think she is waiting you out, thinking you will pay for it.

 

Hope you get good news tomorrow about how your situation looks. I think when spouses want to leave us and cheat and lie, they should have to pay for the divorce and NOT GET ANYTHING from the other spouse other than their half of everything...no extra money. UGH

 

Limbo sucks. I don't know why she would be waiting me out. I have never given her the idea that I was going to file. If anything all along it was just the opposite.

 

But I will pay for it when I can absolutely take no more games. I hope to find out where I may find myself if it occurs. No matter how it goes if it becomes necessary to divorce then I lose. I will be stretched to the max financially with not enough time to recover from it. It will be even worse for her.

 

There are no winners in this only losers.

[andyg99]

Limbo sucks. I don't know why she would be waiting me out. I have never given her the idea that I was going to file. If anything all along it was just the opposite.

 

But I will pay for it when I can absolutely take no more games. I hope to find out where I may find myself if it occurs. No matter how it goes if it becomes necessary to divorce then I lose. I will be stretched to the max financially with not enough time to recover from it. It will be even worse for her.

 

There are no winners in this only losers.

 

in a sense I agree - there are no winners but there aren't losers either, if a divorce needs to happen then it needs to happen... one can have a better life alone, no mater how it hurts financially money can always be made again.... divorce hurts but you can have an awesome life after the smoke clears!

[jpundun]

in a sense I agree - there are no winners but there aren't losers either, if a divorce needs to happen then it needs to happen... one can have a better life alone, no mater how it hurts financially money can always be made again.... divorce hurts but you can have an awesome life after the smoke clears!

 

Well she admitted that she filed today. WE talked a bit and agreed that she should leave. I have met with my lawyer today and figured out what I was going to lose. It ended up being less than I thought which was a big relief.

 

He said that I can either sign the papers when they come or if I want I can refuse to sign in which case it would be basically shelved for two years. I am not sure which way I want to go at this time. She is leaving this saturday which blows a big hole in the tracking I was going to set up with the PI.

 

I told her that we should not have any contact with each other during this time unless it was completely necessary. She agreed. She intends to stay at a friends place while it proceeds and will visit the residence when I am not there. She figures as do I that this is our last chance. Maybe going dark will give her a chance to clearly think about what she is doing.

 

My lawyer said that I would be doing her a favor if I refused to sign as what she is going to get in the settlement will not provide her with a whole lot and she would blow through it in no time. I agreed and told him that she is blinded to all that and can only see divorce. So what is everybodys thoughts?

[andyg99]

Well she admitted that she filed today. WE talked a bit and agreed that she should leave. I have met with my lawyer today and figured out what I was going to lose. It ended up being less than I thought which was a big relief.

 

He said that I can either sign the papers when they come or if I want I can refuse to sign in which case it would be basically shelved for two years. I am not sure which way I want to go at this time. She is leaving this saturday which blows a big hole in the tracking I was going to set up with the PI.

 

I told her that we should not have any contact with each other during this time unless it was completely necessary. She agreed. She intends to stay at a friends place while it proceeds and will visit the residence when I am not there. She figures as do I that this is our last chance. Maybe going dark will give her a chance to clearly think about what she is doing.

 

My lawyer said that I would be doing her a favor if I refused to sign as what she is going to get in the settlement will not provide her with a whole lot and she would blow through it in no time. I agreed and told him that she is blinded to all that and can only see divorce. So what is everybodys thoughts?

 

SIGN! SIGN! SIGN! and one more thing.. SIGN!!

 

If it will ever work out you need to be strong, just sign and have zero contact after she leaves... let her figure out if she wants to save the marriage, you can always stop the proceedings whenever you two want... and if she doesn't contact you then there's your answer... so sign the papers and move on... people DO NOT file for divorce as some kind of "test" on the other party (unless they are 100% crazy), she is saying that she does not want to be married to you, respect that...

 

Someone wrote this in another thread and it's one of my favorite quotes now:

 

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them..."

[Steen719]

 

Someone wrote this in another thread and it's one of my favorite quotes now:

 

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them..."

 

^^^^^^^

 

Yes, I think that is very true. We turn our heads away from the truth. I did.

 

J,

Andy's advice is good. Go ahead and sign and move on. If you do, she will either be relieved, in which case you know she no longer wants to be married to you...certainly seems that way, or she might realize that it is not really something that she wants and it can be stopped. I have to wonder why after 31 years, she is in such a hurry, so I would keep the PI on her. See what she is doing and if it is with another man. If it is, that will have taken the question out of it in your mind.

 

As it turns out, I sent my paperwork in today, also. I waswanting to go forward with it quickly, as I am fearful if I get this other job (in addition to what I already do and my retirement), he will want me to give, give, give more. I already am paying $600 more a month for his health insurance for a year and he is getting more than me and tried to tell me that he could get half of my retirement, in which case, I would be working until I died. So, I know why I wanted to move forward more quickly, but I do wonder about her and what her motivation is,particularly because she is getting less than she could. I have NO intentions of seeing anyone else for a looooooong time, if ever, but she might be involved.

 

Sorry that you thought it might go another way and it didn't. It doesn't matter if you want it or not; it is really a sad thing. BTW, I have spent the entire day being told it is my fault....OMG, I can say that I will be glad not to hear that anymore.

 

It will get better...for all of us.

[jpundun]

Sorry all. I'm just a little bummed out. I guess I can't get over the fact that she actually did it. I guess I have been deceivng myself all along. She didn't help matters with her actions which kept me dangling.

 

She admitted coming back was a mistake and apologized. She says that she thought that she was strong enough mentally to try and make a true attempt at reconciling but realized that she wasn't. She didn't know how to tell me she says. I would imagine I will sign and not drag it out.

 

I really wanted this to work. Even my attorney new that. She seems to be very conflicted and in a lot of emotional pain. She says she knows that being together like this in the same house will not solve our problems because we are right there in each others face. She says she doesn't know how this is going to end and that it may end up calling the divorce off or maybe not.

 

S,

 

She insists that she is feeling as much pain as I and wishes we were not going through this. She indicates that she needs time to work out the things that have led us to this point in her mind.

 

I sympathize with your predicament. I also have to part with half my retirement and there will be no retirement for me. My spouse is not going to get less than she should. She is going to get exactly what she is entitled to. I think that she believes that I am going to kick in a little more but she is sdaly mistaken.

 

Oh and I heard that it was my fault that this is happening. Been hearing that all along but she never gets tired of telling me. All our situations are sad. Life can be so hard at times it makes you wonder why you even bother. I told her that she still meant the world to me and that I wanted the best for her. That brought a tear to her eye.

 

I am still going to pursue the PI thing but now it will be a little more difficult with her being somewhere else. I would love nothing more than to find out there is so all this would be less painful.

 

I hope you are right that things will get better for us as I can't see it getting any worse right now. Take care.

[Steen719]

Sorry for your pain, J. I really think that once your W and you are not together in the same house anymore, you will start feeling less anxiety and after you grieve the loss of your marriage, you will start to feel better.

 

I don't wonder why I bother, though. I guess I am a little further along and the situations are different as I have had some crappy stuff right in my face. I cried and cried at the beginning of the summer and had really horrible, pain filled days and although I am sure I will have some bad days ahead, I am looking forward to having some peace and a life not filled with blame from a person who is supposed to love me and care for me. That is the kind of love that I can do without.

 

I hope you feel better soon and that you know that those of us on this site who have been there know how hard it is and you can come tell us and not worry about feeling vulnerable. We understand.

[itllgetbetter]

jpundun: Not to reiterate everything steen719's said, but, sorry for this outcome which you didn't want and, we really do understand how difficult this is for you. It does get better with time, which I know is a cliche but, it's true.

[Kivu]

So will you sign the papers?

 

I honestly think you're pursuing the best course. Get those papers signed and get her out of the house. Keep that PI, because to my mind it's perfectly clear she's not being honest with you about something. When you find out I think you'll be happier!

 

An aside about the little kisses she was giving you - those could be her pathetic attempts to reconcile OR her pathetic attempts to give you the idea she was trying to reconcile. I'm pretty sure they were cynical which was why they ****ed with your head so much. I think it's a really good idea that she leaves the house soon if she's going to play these petty games. You don't need that.

 

Wish I could give you a hug right now...it's going to be okay. I promise. Is your daughter being supportive?

[2sunny]

To be honest we meaning the family believe that she is either having an affair or is screwed up. At times she acts/talks really screwed up and it's been noticed by many but these instances come and go.

 

I have asked her many times to explain to me what is going on. One minute it's this and the next it's completely the opposite. I told her in all honesty that I am just trying to understand all of this but she gets irate and goes off on a diatribe.

 

All I find myself doing is saying "I don't know" when it comes to everything that has transpired. I am really at my wits end. I can never get a straight answer out of her and if she does respond it usually doesn't make sense which causes me to question her more which causes her to become angry.

 

I never know what to expect each day. It's like this preoccupation with divorce. She did that once before in almost the exact same way.

 

She insisted that we file the very next day and when I balked at that she became very loud and told me that if I didn't go along with her she would do it herself. We were separated at that time. The very next day she shows up and gives me a big hug and tells me that we can take it slow and see what happens.

 

Well she is doing basically the same thing now. She hasn't mentioned filing since thursday and since then it's been nothing but sweetness and little kisses. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am in a constant state of anxiety and suffers with anxiety attacks. I of course don't allow her to see this.

 

more likely than not - HER behavior most likely depends on what she believes she may or may not be getting out of her OM.

 

if she gets scared he may not give her what she wants - she comes to you and manipulates and controls you by being deceitful so she gets her way.

 

she's got another man - that's for sure... start paying attention to everything! she probably has a pay as you go phone. put a voice activated recorder under her bed, in her purse and her car. start checking.

 

every time she's being nice - understand it's just her way of padding her wallet.

[jpundun]

Thank you all for your kind words. As S said once she is out of the house I will begin to feel better. Out of sight out of mind as they say. I think that I will call it a night now as I reallly can't seem to focus on anything right now. Take care all.