30 years together and she wants out

[Steen719]

How are you doing, J?

[jpundun]

How are you doing, J?

 

S,

 

I'm doing alright. She hasn't filed yet as she said she was doing. I asked her since we are going dark now would she hold off a month with the filing. First she grudgingly agreed but then changed her mind today and said she wanted to start the proceedings immediately.

 

I said fine and told her that I would have my lawyer file as soon as possible. I give up on this whole affair. I'm just beating a dead horse. She's intent on divorce so that's what she'll get. She says that she doesn't want to waste any more time since she feels there is not going to be any reconciling as far as she's concerned.

 

After I told her that I would file she lightened up a bit and mused that if she had a change of heart we could always stop the divorce. I just looked at her in disbelief. She said that when she gets served she might have a change of heart at that point. I asked her what the hell she was talking about.

 

She said that in her head she had to see the papers for some reason before she could see her way to reconciling. Again I just looked at her in disbelief. I don't know what is in her mind. It's almost as if she has to see that I am willing to give her up before she can see any way of getting back together.

 

Does anyone have a take on this? Has she totally lost her mind?

[visualbasicide]

I wouldn't put any stock in it man. Prepare for the worst and if it does happen to go the other way you won't be devastated. I would be worried she is just saying it to get the thing rolling sooner rather than later, but then again who knows what they think, I can't honestly look back and say I have a clue myself. Just don't let her fill you with false hope all I'm saying.

[jpundun]

I wouldn't put any stock in it man. Prepare for the worst and if it does happen to go the other way you won't be devastated. I would be worried she is just saying it to get the thing rolling sooner rather than later, but then again who knows what they think, I can't honestly look back and say I have a clue myself. Just don't let her fill you with false hope all I'm saying.

 

I know what you are saying and I have thought those things myself. I don't have any illusions that something good is going to come from my filing. It's just hard to figure what kind of convoluted thinking is going on their heads.

 

I have resigned myself to the fact that it is over. I am preparing myself for that alone. If in fact it goes the other way I will be greatly surprised. I think that she will say or do anything to be rid of me as fast as she can.

[visualbasicide]

Don't try to figure out what she is thinking at this point. I am sure she isn't thinking at all, at least about anyone but herself, as soon as you said "sure, I'll file" her anxiety left and she brightened up. Then threw an enticement on top to make the whole thing sound like it'll actually be something to be happy about.

 

When I got it through my head that the person I recognized was no longer the one I used to know, everything that followed was a lot easier to come to terms with. Go ahead and file, but aside from that, don't do her any favors. Don't be a vindictive sadist either, Just do everything you can to protect your own interests and well being and let her worry about herself, which should fit right in with her current mindset anyway.

 

Out of site out of mind is right, you'll still think about her and all that but it's WAY easier when you don't have to confront them regularly, if at all.

[Steen719]

S,

 

I'm doing alright. She hasn't filed yet as she said she was doing. I asked her since we are going dark now would she hold off a month with the filing. First she grudgingly agreed but then changed her mind today and said she wanted to start the proceedings immediately.

 

I said fine and told her that I would have my lawyer file as soon as possible. I give up on this whole affair. I'm just beating a dead horse. She's intent on divorce so that's what she'll get. She says that she doesn't want to waste any more time since she feels there is not going to be any reconciling as far as she's concerned.

 

After I told her that I would file she lightened up a bit and mused that if she had a change of heart we could always stop the divorce. I just looked at her in disbelief. She said that when she gets served she might have a change of heart at that point. I asked her what the hell she was talking about.

 

She said that in her head she had to see the papers for some reason before she could see her way to reconciling. Again I just looked at her in disbelief. I don't know what is in her mind. It's almost as if she has to see that I am willing to give her up before she can see any way of getting back together.

 

Does anyone have a take on this? Has she totally lost her mind?

 

I don't know, J. She is messed up. I don't know if she is nuts or she is messing with your mind. I guess the best thing to do is to try to follow a course that is best for you. I have found that being in the same house (when we are right smack dab in the middle of all of this crap) makes it very difficult to keep the clarity that you find in those rare moments

 

Has the PI started?

 

If there is no other man, she is having some serious trouble deciding what to do while you dangle....an unacceptable position to be in. Go ahead and file, J. You are not accomplishing anything by letting her watch you dangle in the wind...going back and forth as she controls which way you are going.

 

 

• If she has someone else, it is time for her to go.
  

 

• If she does not and is messing with you, it is time for her to go.
  

 

• If she cannot decide she loves and wants her husband of 30 years, it is time for her to go
  

 

• If she is testing you, this is a cruel way to do it and it is time for her to go
  

If she loves you and wants to stay married, then she needs to tell you now and the two of you need to work on your issues.

 

What else is there?

Edited September 10, 2011 by Steen719

[jpundun]

S,

 

The PI is still on. She has already moved out. I think that she has lost her mind and is having a nervous breakdown. She cries at the drop of the hat and the slightest thing upsets her. She keeps saying that she feels overwhelmed and just wishes she was dead.

 

When she starts to talk about the relationship she gets all worked up to the point that she can't breathe and then breaks down.

 

I am going to file just as I said I would. There is no sense to keep playing these games. This will be the make it or break thing. As I indicated I am of course preparing for the worst and at this point I don't feel as bad as I did awhile back about a possible divorce.

 

Today she is here to pick up some clothes. She was almost in tears when she came in the door. I am helping her get her things together so that she can go. After today I expect no further direct contact with her unless it's absolutly necessary. It's been a hell of a ride so far and I would be kidding mtself if I thought that it was over. I know I am in for more as this divorce thing progresses.

[Steen719]

She sounds like she is a mess, J. I'm sorry. I hope you can start feeling better soon. I know what you mean about not feeling quite as bad about getting a divorce. The continuing indecision and living in limbo makes the process so difficult that when you figure out what the end result will be, it is not quite as bad as you first thought.

 

As bad as it is, people get through worse, so I'm sure you can do this, too. When things are really, really bad for me, I try to think about something in the future that I am looking forward to. In my case, it's a trip home for 2 1/2 weeks in October and a trip the weekend before to see my son @ college. I have to do this or I get down.

 

Keep posting, even if it to say how lousy it feels. We know and we care and we hear you.

[jpundun]

She sounds like she is a mess, J. I'm sorry. I hope you can start feeling better soon. I know what you mean about not feeling quite as bad about getting a divorce. The continuing indecision and living in limbo makes the process so difficult that when you figure out what the end result will be, it is not quite as bad as you first thought.

 

As bad as it is, people get through worse, so I'm sure you can do this, too. When things are really, really bad for me, I try to think about something in the future that I am looking forward to. In my case, it's a trip home for 2 1/2 weeks in October and a trip the weekend before to see my son @ college. I have to do this or I get down.

 

Keep posting, even if it to say how lousy it feels. We know and we care and we hear you.

 

 

I think that finally letting go of the idea that maybe it can be fixed sort of releases you. The process of getting to that position is what's really hard. After that it's sort of being in automatic mode and the rest takes care of itself. Now I just sit back and deal with the loss of what used to be.

 

Right now I have nothing in the near future to look forward to. It's good that you have something that will give you some type of comfort. I appreciate all the support you have given to me. I will continue to post if I am feeling low or there is something new in this story. Take care S and good luck with your future.

[2011aug]

I would think you would need to establish your own direction instead of waiting for your wife who hasnt firm up her resolve yet. Decide what you want to do and stop falling into her game (for the sake of your own sanity).

 

File for the divorce yourself. Sit back and watch what she does. At least then, you have more control of the situation.

 

There is a lot of time between filing and the actual judgement by the court. Anything can happen during this time.

[2011aug]

Right now I have nothing in the near future to look forward to. It's good that you have something that will give you some type of comfort.

 

You have at least a couple of decades ahead of you. There is so much you can still do. Is there anything you always wanted to do but cant?

[Steen719]

I think that finally letting go of the idea that maybe it can be fixed sort of releases you. The process of getting to that position is what's really hard. After that it's sort of being in automatic mode and the rest takes care of itself. Now I just sit back and deal with the loss of what used to be.

 

Right now I have nothing in the near future to look forward to. It's good that you have something that will give you some type of comfort. I appreciate all the support you have given to me. I will continue to post if I am feeling low or there is something new in this story. Take care S and good luck with your future.

 

OK, I will take care...but we're not letting you go yet. Make sure you come let us know how you are doing. Come on...even a little post. At least post how you feel and get it out.

 

Went out to dinner with two friends and did some window shopping..made me feel better. Get out a little bit if you can.

 

Talk to you later.

[jpundun]

OK, I will take care...but we're not letting you go yet. Make sure you come let us know how you are doing. Come on...even a little post. At least post how you feel and get it out.

 

Went out to dinner with two friends and did some window shopping..made me feel better. Get out a little bit if you can.

 

Talk to you later.

 

S,

 

Into third day now with no contact. I haven't filed yet. I guess I'm waiting to see if she contacts me to ask if I did. If she does I will for sure. If she doesn't then I will assume that she has backed off for the time being.

 

I was hoping that I would feel a little better by now but all I do is run all the things she said and done during the past four or five months in my mind and I get anxious and depressed. I got to stop thinking about all those things.

 

I try to keep myself busy by reading. Sometimes it helps. I feel like I have died and I am now in hell.

[Steen719]

The reason you are not doing any better is that you are still in limbo even if she is not there. You cannot start to heal and feel better until you make some movement; either toward a separation/divorce or trying to reconcile. If she has been gone all weekend and the PI has been following her, find out what is going on. If she does not have another man, you need to find a way to have a really honest conversation with her, J. 30 years is too long of time to not really try to find out what is actually going on. I think people actually do decide they just do not want to be married anymore without there being another person, but you need to find out what is going on one way or another.

 

If she is confused and upset and does not really know if she wants this or not, you can commit to waiting a while and make a plan to live separately and work on reconciliation if you both want to. Divorce does not have to happen right now. If she has some doubts, find out what they are and if there is something that can be done. Try counseling, try anything. If not, if she says she absolutely does not love you and does not want to stay married to you, you have to do something beside sitting there feeling like a victim. Make the move and file the divorce, but make sure before you do it that both of you agree that is what you are going to do. Be clear, be proactive and realize that you have asked her to stay, told her what she means to you and what your marriage means to you and if she does not want it; then move on. You can't get better if you do not make a move one way or another.

 

If the person we love the most in this world does not love us back anymore, we should feel bad. We should feel like crap and cry and scream and feel so low, we do feel like we are in hell. Only after doing that, we need to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can get to a place that does not hurt this bad, but you must do something to begin it.

 

Big Hugs to you, J. I know it really is hard and unfortunately, you belong to a group that knows right where you are at, so come back and talk to us.

[jpundun]

S,

 

Before she left we had a somber conversation. She felt really bad about leaving and then broke down crying telling me that she wants to love me. I didn't know what to make of that.

[Steen719]

Wants to, but doesn't?

[jpundun]

I feel that she is in a state of confusion. It's like her mind is in overdrive and she can't control herself. When we talked about this current separation she said something to the effect that she could be back in two weeks. I feel that she wants to take a leap of faith but she just can't bring herself to do it. She can't let her wall down. It's either that or I am so far gone that I am hopelessly forever deceiving myself. That's why I have held off contacting my lawyer.

 

Am I really deceving myself? Is it the end and I can't really see it or admit to it? I feel really bad tonight. I think that I am losing it.

[jpundun]

Wants to, but doesn't?

 

Yeah. This is what I am talking about. I don't understand her. Shes crying her eyes out holding my hands and telling me this. It's almost like she was wanting me to say something to make it right.

[andyg99]

S,

 

Before she left we had a somber conversation. She felt really bad about leaving and then broke down crying telling me that she wants to love me. I didn't know what to make of that.

 

ugh... I know you're a good person and you're just hanging onto any shred of hope.... I'm sorry but it sounds like another line of BS.... I'm sorry for your pain, it's a pain we here know all too well... find that strength inside you - it's there you just need to do what is good for YOU now...

[Steen719]

I really am sorry you are feeling so bad.

 

(Sidebar here: When I found out my H was having an affair several years ago, I can remember that I felt so bad that I asked God (not one to pray a lot, but felt desperate) to please just let me feel just a little better. I didn't have to feel good or even just bad; just a little bit better so I could breathe and go to work without sitting in my office crying and take care of myself and my son. I know that pain; I have lived that pain. I did feel better with time.)

 

She certainly sounds conflicted, so maybe she really does not know what she wants. I think I would be confused if I were hearing what you are hearing and seeing her behavior. What about what she tells your kids? Does she share her real feelings with anyone? I do, with my s-i-l and my niece. Maybe you can find out what is going on.

 

Again, I say, J, a lot of people might tell you just to jump ship and go forward with the divorce, but you know her and we do not. 30 years is more than some people on this forum have been alive. Make sure this is what you need to do. There is no time frame on filing for divorce, like a sale. It is important enough to make sure you and she both want it or she wants it for sure and you have no influence on that decision.

 

I think I remember this...at the beginning of this, didn't you say that she has been depressed? Did she get treatment? Is she seeing someone? Are you? Have you considered it if you are not?

[jpundun]

I really am sorry you are feeling so bad.

 

(Sidebar here: When I found out my H was having an affair several years ago, I can remember that I felt so bad that I asked God (not one to pray a lot, but felt desperate) to please just let me feel just a little better. I didn't have to feel good or even just bad; just a little bit better so I could breathe and go to work without sitting in my office crying and take care of myself and my son. I know that pain; I have lived that pain. I did feel better with time.)

 

She certainly sounds conflicted, so maybe she really does not know what she wants. I think I would be confused if I were hearing what you are hearing and seeing her behavior. What about what she tells your kids? Does she share her real feelings with anyone? I do, with my s-i-l and my niece. Maybe you can find out what is going on.

 

Again, I say, J, a lot of people might tell you just to jump ship and go forward with the divorce, but you know her and we do not. 30 years is more than some people on this forum have been alive. Make sure this is what you need to do. There is no time frame on filing for divorce, like a sale. It is important enough to make sure you and she both want it or she wants it for sure and you have no influence on that decision.

 

I think I remember this...at the beginning of this, didn't you say that she has been depressed? Did she get treatment? Is she seeing someone? Are you? Have you considered it if you are not?

 

 

S,

 

No she doesn't talk to the kids since they told her that don't want to listen to her bull anymore. There is no one that I can really get some info from. It was never my idea to get a divorce. It has always been hers although she never acted on it till now.

 

She is very depressed and cries at the drop of a hat over nothing. The doctor has her on anti-depressants and was a little concerned about her being suicidal at one point. She also has a thyroid problem and has learned that she had a anti immune system problem which is also affecting her thyroid.

 

I myself was put on anti-depressants because on my last check up I had lost 16 lbs in the span of three months due to all this.

 

I am and have been thinking that she is very very conflicted. Though at times I admit that I have questioned myself as to whether that is true or not. My attorney thought that she was also conflicted from what I told him about what has been going on. So I don't know what her problem is.

 

It has always seemed odd to me that for someone that is intent on divorcing she expresses such emotion about it. I have been divorced before and I cannot recall either myself or my wife at the time being emotional about it. It was almost like a business transaction.

[jpundun]

ugh... I know you're a good person and you're just hanging onto any shred of hope.... I'm sorry but it sounds like another line of BS.... I'm sorry for your pain, it's a pain we here know all too well... find that strength inside you - it's there you just need to do what is good for YOU now...

 

A,

 

Yes I guess I hang on to any shred of hope. I always llike to think of myself as an optimist and that there is always a way. It may very well be a line of BS and unfortunately I know that.

 

I appreciate your sympathy and your input. I am feeling pain but right now I can't seem to find that inner strength that you talk about. I wish I could.

[Steen719]

She sounds like she is a mess. I don't know. I guess you will have to trust your gut. After all, you are the one who has to live with your decision. If you ask her and she does not want to stay married to you, you really can only decide three things.

You can stay married and live separately and hope she comes around or you get something from the PI. This seems like it would be the worst choice for me.

You can decide she is not going to come back and try to move on while you wait for her to file for divorce, thereby knowing she indeed does want a divorce from you.

or

You can talk to her once again and if she says she does not want to be married to you; file for divorce and do the best you can to move on, knowing that you will feel better eventually.

 

None of the above makes you feel good, I know. I hope you can get some peace about this and you can get some rest. Let us know how you are doing.

[jpundun]

Well I finally did it. I filed for divorce. Now to see what becomes of this relationship. No more games. Either it is over or things have got to change in our marriage.

[GorillaTheater]

Well I finally did it. I filed for divorce. Now to see what becomes of this relationship. No more games. Either it is over or things have got to change in our marriage.

 

I know this wasn't easy, but I think you did the right thing.

 

If your wife wants to pull this out, she'll let you know (just don't be too quick about reconciling. If you get to that point, Owl is a good man to hash out ideas with).

 

If she makes it clear that she's okay with divorce, you've just started the process of moving on with your life that much sooner.

 

Strength and honor, brother.