Author jpundun Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 I know this wasn't easy, but I think you did the right thing. If your wife wants to pull this out, she'll let you know (just don't be too quick about reconciling. If you get to that point, Owl is a good man to hash out ideas with). If she makes it clear that she's okay with divorce, you've just started the process of moving on with your life that much sooner. Strength and honor, brother. Thanks G. You are right. If she wants to pull it out she'll let me know. I'm not going to hold my breath though. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I know this wasn't easy, but I think you did the right thing. If your wife wants to pull this out, she'll let you know (just don't be too quick about reconciling. If you get to that point, Owl is a good man to hash out ideas with). If she makes it clear that she's okay with divorce, you've just started the process of moving on with your life that much sooner. Strength and honor, brother. ^^^^ I agree...I think you did what you had to. Take care of yourself..keep posting and let us know how you are. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thanks G. You are right. If she wants to pull it out she'll let me know. I'm not going to hold my breath though. yes, don't hold your breath... hope needs to be saved for yourself now.. keep moving forward and wish her no ill will, you both will be fine... Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 How are you doing, J? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 How are you doing, J? S, I have been feeling pretty low all day. I never wanted to file but she left me no recourse. I have gotten no response from her up to this point. I can't even hazard a guess as to what effect this had upon her. It might have been shock since she never thought that I would ever file. I guess she was wrong huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 S, I have been feeling pretty low all day. I never wanted to file but she left me no recourse. I have gotten no response from her up to this point. I can't even hazard a guess as to what effect this had upon her. It might have been shock since she never thought that I would ever file. I guess she was wrong huh? Yeah, sometimes our spouses overestimate the amount of crap we will put up with and underestimate our resolve. I did, too, truthfully. Once I decided, I was surprised I went forward, but, like you, I felt that I had no choice. I was feeling pretty good about it until last night when I realized, at 60, my dates would mostly likely be 75!!!! ha ha Everyone says older men like younger women and I thought...oh, well, who am I younger than? I got over it! Does she know that you filed? Did you tell her or will they serve her with it? You are sure she knows and no response? Take care of yourself and get some rest. You will start to feel better soon. Let us know how you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 Yeah, sometimes our spouses overestimate the amount of crap we will put up with and underestimate our resolve. I did, too, truthfully. Once I decided, I was surprised I went forward, but, like you, I felt that I had no choice. I was feeling pretty good about it until last night when I realized, at 60, my dates would mostly likely be 75!!!! ha ha Everyone says older men like younger women and I thought...oh, well, who am I younger than? I got over it! Does she know that you filed? Did you tell her or will they serve her with it? You are sure she knows and no response? Take care of yourself and get some rest. You will start to feel better soon. Let us know how you are. Yes she knows. I know that she received the message. I figured that I would have gotten some type of response but as of yet I have not. Who knows what is going through her mind. I haven't been able to figure that out yet. I feel a little better today. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Well, you might never know what is going on with her. I'm glad you feel better today. Keep your chin up and forward on. S Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Just an update. Well I fianlly found out that there was O/M. I found a prepaid cell phone in her purse with the name of the person she has been in touch with apparently for awhile. AS much as I always thought that there might be another I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Well as it turns out everybody here was spot on. Now my way is clear and I now understand why I have been beating myself up for the past 5 months and getting nowhere. Of course she tried to blame me for her actions and said she has no guilt since I caused it. I told her regardless of what I did in the past it did not make what she did right. I told her that I had asked her three times about cheating and of course she denied it. I asked her why she did this to me. Why put me through hell for all this time when she could have just told me and left and filed. WE would have been divorced by now. She couldn't give me an answer. I then told her she is nothing but a cheater and no matter how she twisted it she was still a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I'm sorry, J. Tough news to hear but no, unfortunately not terribly surprising. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Sorry, J. It really is hard to find out, I know. It also is really hard to hear them blame you for everything. I agree that we all have our faults in marriage and are to blame for the issues of the marriage, but the choices our spouses make to cheat are on them alone. They have to live with their choices, but unfortunately...we do, too. Do your kids know? You have filed the papers and you can move on and as painful as it is, at least you have some closure as to why she was doing what she was doing. It's crap, isn't it? Not the way we thought we would spend the time of life we thought would be easier. Again, sorry for your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
ellika Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 You know the saying "you want what you can't have". Give her space and don't be needy, keep your distance. Pretend to move on even though you may not be....good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Just an update. Well I fianlly found out that there was O/M. I found a prepaid cell phone in her purse with the name of the person she has been in touch with apparently for awhile. AS much as I always thought that there might be another I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Well as it turns out everybody here was spot on. Really sorry dude but it is obvious from what you said that there was an OM. Now my way is clear and I now understand why I have been beating myself up for the past 5 months and getting nowhere. Of course she tried to blame me for her actions and said she has no guilt since I caused it. I told her regardless of what I did in the past it did not make what she did right. I told her that I had asked her three times about cheating and of course she denied it. I asked her why she did this to me. Why put me through hell for all this time when she could have just told me and left and filed. WE would have been divorced by now. She couldn't give me an answer. I then told her she is nothing but a cheater and no matter how she twisted it she was still a cheater. Blame you and no guilt? My stbxw said the same thing, she had no regrets. That really did hurt me, no regrets to the way I was treated. Best out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 S, Yes it is very hard to find out but I always suspected that there was more to the story. It was just that I couldn't locate the evidence. I guess I am more upset with the fact that she put me through 5 months of agony for her on selfish needs. I find it hard to believe that after all the time we spent together that she would betray me in this way. AS you said at least I now know what it was all about. This was the missing piece that gave sense to what she had been doing. If you would have asked me six months ago if my wife would ever do this to me I would have told you that you were crazy and yes I never thought I would be spending these days like this. Not to get religious as I am really not but I had asked for help with my suffering and well I got it. Not what I was hoping for but at least I won't be in agony anymore. Ellika, I don't follow what you are saying. There is no way she can have me back and she will get all the space that she wants. I won't have to pretend to move on as I will move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Questions.... What do I do now? What can I expect? I have managed to calm down somewhat but I am still mad about being played. Is she going to feel the shame for what she has done? If not now will she ever? How can a person share a life with someone for 30 years and do what she has done with little or no remorse? How do I excise the demons she has created in me? Where do I go from here? I feel like I am lost. God help me..... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Questions.... What do I do now? What can I expect? I have managed to calm down somewhat but I am still mad about being played. Is she going to feel the shame for what she has done? If not now will she ever? How can a person share a life with someone for 30 years and do what she has done with little or no remorse? How do I excise the demons she has created in me? Where do I go from here? I feel like I am lost. God help me..... i'm sorry you are feeling this way - but at least now you know some of her truth. it was obvious to those of us that have lived through this hell... best way = move forward - and don't look back! get busy living and finding ways to be happy on your own! spend time and energy doing whatever it is YOU want to do! take a class, a vacation, take up hobbies. art is a very good outlet for emotions... especially healing at a time like this! get to know YOU again! get to the point of feeling indifferent about her! accept that she is no longer the woman you thought she COULD be... she is now a cheating, lying woman who causes pain to those she loves = God help HER! you can move forward and be HAPPY... and take your happy self to a new happy woman - who will love and HONOR you... don't waste time or energy talking trash about her to others (use this as a personal outlet) - spend that time and energy on learning how to honor yourself... and then offer that healthy self to those around you. living a happy life is always the best way to move forward. believe me - i've been on that dark side of a pity party - and it's not pretty! living again is sweeeet! your kids will be happy to see you learn how to be happy! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I share some of the same questions and in fact, told a friend today that I was concerned that H would never take responsibility for what he had done. I mean he tells me no less than 20-25 times a day that this is my fault. I'm going mad with it! I think the thing to hope for is that even if she decides she has made the biggest mistake of her life, you will have moved on and made a new life for yourself. I was married for 22 years, not 30, but the years I took care of him pre and post transplant and the financial burden I have shouldered added a few years! I don't understand it, either. Although, in my case, my H had an affair years ago, so I knew it was possible. You were blindsided. I can understand why you must feel like all of the air is sucked out from around you. Anger is good for me as it keeps me from feeling sad. I also try to talk to friends and family who are on my side and affirm how this is not right that I am dealing with this. I don't know if that helps others, but it does me. Your finding out about the OM is so new that it feels raw. I think you have to feel what you have to feel before you feel better. I have to be honest. I know people talk about the "fog", but I think these are selfish spouses who take the coward's way out by not telling their spouses what the heck is going on and leave them suffering. I think I told you this before, but maybe it was another thread. When my H had his first affair, the PA, and my son was only 7. I was so distraught and honestly just cried and cried. I am also not a very religious person, but I did pray to God to let me feel just a little better...just enough to be able to function and I did! Do what you can to feel better. Go see a counselor, talk to friends or family, call your sister. My brother called me every day when he went through a divorce. I call him him, now. You seem like a nice guy; you have to have some friends to help you. There are a couple of guys on these thread who have been through this and I see sometimes that have talked to each other. Maybe some PMs to them. People who care about you want to help you. And, of course, come post here, even if it is just to get it out. We'll answer you. Feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 2sunny & Steen, Thanks for your concern. I appreciate you responses at this time as I am feeling pretty low. Sunny I agree that she has turned into a cheating lying woman and that's what I find so hard to understand. After spending so much of my life with her it is hard for me to beleive that she could do this to me. Why couldn't she just leave and file for divorce? I keep asking myself why she had to keep me in misery for five months. I understand that getting to the point of indifference is the best spot to be but getting there right now will be difficult. Steen I know I have said it before but please know that I feel sorry for the life you have had to live so far. Life can be cruel obviously. I wish you better days and happiness. I have spent the day talking to my sister and one of my close friends. It helps a little but the hurt and pain is still there. It is without a doubt the worst position to ever be in. It seems like your whole world just blew up in your face and you are left standing there without a clue as to what really happened and why. I know that once I can come to accept that this has happened I will be feeling a lot better. I just hope I have enough left in me to reach that goal. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I just hope I have enough left in me to reach that goal. You do, believe me, you do. You don't feel like it now, but you will feel stronger each day, once you accept it and start moving forward. Do something for yourself this weekend and enjoy it. Let us know how you are. (And, thanks for your kind words; I am feeling better and he is feeling worse ) Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Is she going to feel the shame for what she has done? If not now will she ever? How can a person share a life with someone for 30 years and do what she has done with little or no remorse? ..... this is so new to you and your feelings are raw - those are the same questions we all asked when we were in your position... know this: you will most likely never get any answers from her, the sooner you accept that the better. It will take some time but little by little you will care less about getting those answers from her. You have gotten some very good advice so far... and I'm glad that you are reaching out to family and friends, this forum is good to vent but nothing can replace the people who know you and love you... it'll be a bumpy ride, but trust me, you have it in you to have the most amazing life! Link to post Share on other sites
Marie63 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I agree that a ten day trip is not going to make a difference one way or the other but she insists that she will not make a decision before. 30 years is a lot to throw away and though I and others have tried to make her see the light she refuses. From what little talk we do have about our relationship I get the feeling that she is hesitant about giving it another chance as she has done so in the past and it didn't work out. I admit that I am not the easiest person to live with and have made life for her difficult at times. I can't seem to convince her that I have come to my senses so to speak and that the old person is gone. I gather that she thinks that being away from the surroundings will help her reflect on everything without people talking in her ear. Then she thinks that she will be thinking more clearly. She is suffering with deep depression and has been put on anti-depressants just recently. Bottom line is I do not want to lose her if I can help it. I appreciate everyones help. Can someone explain why she keep coming by to see me when she told me that when she looks at me I remind her of all the bad times? Thoughts - She is on a ten day vacation to be away. It seems controlling that you and others are trying to "convince" her of how she feels. She is depressed because she has been suppressed, she may have other issues that are depressing her too. You as her husband should know what has depressed her by being a part of her healthcare visits and listening to her. When you look back to when problems first occurred in your marriage - and you didn't make it easy for her - how long ago was the first problem? How many times has she went back to you and it failed again? Why did it keep failing? What is it that she wanted, and you told her that you would change if she would come home again, and then that didn't work? I sincerely wish you the best. Communication is key. Just let her talk and talk and talk to you without offering any advice, any interruptions, and you might hear your answer without being here on this forum. You may have to bite your tongue, but do not talk even when she you think she is finished. Wait for more to come out. If you have this talking problem I definitely know a way to solve it. My husband and I had a talking problem and listening problem. Please post if you have had this with you your relationship between you and her alone talking. Also if she has shut down talking then she is depressed. I am glad she is on medications. . Try marriage counseling too if she is not used to talking to you at all anymore. 30 years is worth every effort. When it gets like you described then a third party can definitely help - a professional person that knows nothing about either one of you Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpundun Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Here is one for the books. I just got a call from the STBXW who related to me that she went to the bank to check on our accounts. She found that I transferred everything but enough to keep paying bills in our joint account. She was highly upset and she asked me how she was supposed to live with no money in the bank. I had left ten grand in the account which was more than enough for the both of us to get by on and all my paychecks are deposited into the account so there is always money going in. She said that I really blew it as she was about to come home for good and now that I have protected the rest of the money she sees what kind of person I really am and that she can't trust me so she's not coming back. I listened in disbelief and finally found my voice and said what did you expect me to do when the day I found out about OM you told me that you could take your half out or all if she wanted. Of course to protect the assets I moved them to another account so she couldn't get at them. I then launced into her and asked her how she could call me on trust after I found out what she had been doing. She insisted that it is not what it seems and that she did not do anything wrong. WE argued back and forth on the question of trust and her infidelity. I then told her that she was a liar about coming back and that it was just more of the same bull she's been feeding me all along. She then launced into more hollering and I finally hung up on her. It's not bad enough that I am going through this nonsense she wants to add more insult to injury. I can't beleive that she thinks I was just born yesterday. It's incredible. The fact of the matter is she went to the bank to clean it out and when she found out that I beat her to it she calls me just to taunt me. I know the next 3 or 4 months until this is over I am going to go through hell. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 comments in BOLD Here is one for the books. She said that I really blew it as she was about to come home for good and now that I have protected the rest of the money she sees what kind of person I really am and that she can't trust me so she's not coming back. Pure BS - I'm glad you saw through this f-n lie! I then launced into her and asked her how she could call me on trust after I found out what she had been doing. She insisted that it is not what it seems and that she did not do anything wrong. WE argued back and forth on the question of trust and her infidelity. I then told her that she was a liar about coming back and that it was just more of the same bull she's been feeding me all along. She then launced into more hollering and I finally hung up on her. make this the last blowout argument - keep telling yourself you will never go down that path again. You'll never get a straight answer, ever. You can do it! It's not bad enough that I am going through this nonsense she wants to add more insult to injury. I can't beleive that she thinks I was just born yesterday. It's incredible. The fact of the matter is she went to the bank to clean it out and when she found out that I beat her to it she calls me just to taunt me. that's exactly what happened - but I'm going to repeat this because it's important, no more blow out arguments, you will have to comminicate but if it starts getting heated - hang up!, even if you are the one who is losing it... I know the next 3 or 4 months until this is over I am going to go through hell. parts of it will seem like hell, there's no mistake about that but all of it won't be hell, keep thinking about YOU!!!! everyday it gets better and better, just don't get stuck in the mud - Forward is the direction from now on! Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Here is one for the books. I just got a call from the STBXW who related to me that she went to the bank to check on our accounts. She found that I transferred everything but enough to keep paying bills in our joint account. She was highly upset and she asked me how she was supposed to live with no money in the bank. I had left ten grand in the account which was more than enough for the both of us to get by on and all my paychecks are deposited into the account so there is always money going in. I dont understand why you are having your paychecks deposited into the joint bank account where she can withdraw the money before the bills are paid. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 tell her if she needs more money - then earn the money herself and then purchase what she needs. if she'd thought of ANY of the consequences before cheating - she may have decided differently. she caused this. remind her every time she complains. in fact - when she wants to call you about anything - tell her to complain to her attorney. there's only a few answers you need to respond to her with: yes no maybe let me think about that thanks for telling me hmmmm these are designed to shut down a conversation and/or an argument. there may not even be a need to take a call from her... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts