Long Distance Relationship ends in Heartbreak

[livingthelife]

Hope you guys can help me:

 

I thought I found my true love.

 

Years ago, when I found out my ex was cheating on me, I would spend long hours talking to him about how terrible I felt.. when we were in school years prior he told me that he was in love with me.. well years later he told me the same thing. We remained friends....

 

I moved away but still kept in touch.. recently we decided that we should give it a try. For me I was thrilled, I had spent so much time being good friends with him, it seemed natural, beautiful and magical...

 

Even though I lived in another state, we managed to see each other at least one weekend a month..

 

Recently, I started to feel a change, and didnt know what it was. I chalked it up to paranoia. Well I must have a 6th sense about things.... the last time I was up there, I saw in his sent items that he was talking to another woman... I know you are saying "What were you doing on his email.. this is the TRUTH.. I have no reason to lie to you guys...

 

 

I was trying to sign on as a guest and kept getting an error message. You know how youget completely frustrated and started hitting enter and punding the keys.. well I did... and that's how I got onto his email.. I wasnt intentionally snooping.....

 

Anyway, in the email, he sent a pic of himself and his nephew to this woman and asked her to send a pic of herself.. the next response was him telling her how pretty she is and that he wanted to chat....

 

When I confronted him about it, he said "someone must have broken into his email and used his account to send the email to this other woman.. " I thought.. why would someone break into his email and send a pic of him to another woman and ask her to chat???????

 

 

Anyway, he decided to have 2 scotches and a nap while I was left heart broken....

 

When I returned home, after a few days he called me on the phone and told me " if I couldnt trust him then he couldnt be with me".. aint that something....

 

Even though I KNOW he betrayed my trust, ( I would have had more respect for him, if he said that he did it) I still can't get him out of my mind.. I feel like a crazy person.. every love song, every thing reminds me of him.. I was in D.C this weekend and he came down to see me. He told me that he feels like we were meant to be together and that he is still in love with me....

 

I cant talk to him about the email thing.. because he gets upset at me and withdraws.. I know I cant be with him but still have very strong feelings for him.. What should I do?

[Dulce_Angel_Whispers]

well I'm sure no one broke into his email because come on that is suppossed to be private info and if they did how did they get his picture?

I say move on and find someone who will love and respect you and not make you feel guilty for finding out the truth and then turning around and lying about it.

Sounds like an ass to me!

[Red Flag Rick]

hi liv! since you are one of my board buddies, i promise to try to hold my forked tongue... you know how sassy this homo can be when dudes diss the girls... and vice-versa, actually... so i will answer your post and i promise to be the lovable little fuzzball that i know i truly am..

 

it sounds like this guy is being his own worst enemy.

 

sounds like you are being your own worst enemy, too.

 

he cheated on you years ago and he is still in the same pattern, which tells me that obviously, he needs to grow... his inability to accept responsibility for his actions is quite troublesome, as this indicates an even deeper character flaw than his obvious lack of commitment to a female partner.

 

i know you read my posts - i continue to be concerned at what societal influence is doing to males and females - and i think the great impact that the macho male influence has today is one of the factors that led to your man's inability to see the truth. what was once taboo has become just another headline - scandals and drama and Jerry Springers are the norm and society keeps on rolling. but there's a heavy price to pay as a result, and that is why i am such an advocate for folks equipping themselves with the armor of self-worth (value), because it absolutely will make the difference in the way one behaves in every single thing they do.

 

if our presidents are having affairs, then what's the big deal - guys see all this, and so much more, and not too much of a deal is made out of it, so in my opinion, this just gives guys one more reason to lead the emotionally bankrupt lives that they lead these days... not all, but most. so your guy has been conditioned since childhood to be the macho male and not concentrate on depth, feelings, self-respect, respect for others, and he has certainly not cared much about the importance of monogamy.

 

he has no clue when i talk about placing the correct value on one's self, and his actions show it. he simply does not have the skills to be a real man, much less lead a relationship, and i am sure that his current internet interest (and the next ones) will experience the same treatment he has given you... but this sure doesn't help you feel better, does it. and he hasn't made you feel better, so maybe its time to make yourself feel better, and you have this power if you choose to use it.

 

so let's focus on you, and any time we focus on ourselves, i think its a good thing. and that reminds me of that poor martha stewart - hey, at least you are not going to jail. but you are imprisoned, actually in many ways... and you have been placed behind the bars of betrayal... and from my experience with my str8 babe friends, betrayal is so difficult because women are built to trust the man they love... and you know what? women should expect nothing less than a healthy, monogamous relationship. you deserve to trust, and you deserve the same level of trust returned to you. and this man betrayed your trust once, and now he has done it again.

 

and i know you love him and i know you hurt. but does his double-whammy betrayal cause you to feel differently about him? because if two reality slaps in your face don't wake you up, then sweetie, the problem at this point is you - not him. anyone reading your post knows DoubleTrouble has problems - we can all see that. And he will continue this pattern until he changes his perspective.

 

here-a-pattern, there-a-pattern...

 

DoubleTrouble. as i wrote that to define him, i was sickened when i realized it defined, you, too. he has shown his pattern, and i'll be derned, so have you. it is good to hear you say that you know you cannot be with him... but his betrayal, especially the second time, should have been the slap that prompted you to dismiss him from your life - and my point is made when you say that, since he is obviously still in your life, he has now come back and told you that he feels like you were meant to be together and he still loves you...

 

sweetie, you tell him to take his feelings and his love and put 'em in one hand, and put a pile of you know what in the other hand, rub his hands together, and belch.

 

this burns my gay craw. how dare this jerk manipulate you like this. you know i am all about some red flags. well this red flag takes the cake. he is manipulating you, as he has done for years. and this is one fine example of why women need to have the strength to say "cya" to a man who makes the choice to abuse them like this.

 

and you don't have that strength. you aren't as bad off as some of the gals i write to, because at least you acknowledge the fact that you know you cannot be with him. but sweetie, you are too weak and it has everything to do with your value, which affects your expectations - and they sure do seem low to me.

 

i'll give you a pass on the first betrayal. i will even give you a reluctant pass on the second one because i am in a good mood and i don't want to tell you how none of this should have happened in the first place. but for you to sit here and allow him to manipulate you over and over is absolutely the last straw and you better see this for what it is - just one more pattern of him stringing you along and telling you just enough to keep your sweet self hooked....

 

and sweetie, don't forget - he is always on the internet prowl... meow.

 

but you love him, so all common sense and perspective goes out the window? it sure does when you aren't strong enough. you need to recognize what DoubleTrouble is doing to you - and do whatever you have to do to get angry, and i mean angry like Red Flag Rick angry. i am so ticked at this dude i could rip him to shreds - verbally, of course - i don't want my clothes wrinkled. and imagine the verbal tongue-lashin' he would receive from this little fuzzball. i know one thing, my value is such that it causes me to get this passionate and angry when i see crap like this - and you better get to work on building your value so you get this angry when you see this stuff, or you will be seeing DoubleTrouble for years to come. He may not be in the same body, but you will be hooked by another one.

 

he has you right where he wants you - weak, in love, defensive, and most definitely hooked. and this is where so many men want their women... i don't think he's actually smart enough to have thought this way, actually, but he sure does have it made... friends/lovers with you for years... internet attention... god knows what else... he sure has set up some fun ways to feed his ego... and believe me, he craves attention - his pattern of cheating and betrayal screams of a guy who has no idea what he is doing, but he sure is loving the girl's attention. and sweetie, he thinks he is entitled to it. and the more i write, the more i know he is really not all that smart.

 

"if you can't trust me then I can't be with you." ?????

 

what a dummy - this is pre-primer manipulation, and even a whipped girl like you can see it... but he's good enough to keep you strung along for - oh my - all these years.... and it should validate what you know you need to do - drop this doggie back in the window and keep lookin' at other waggly tails.. cause this little pup has fleas and he sure ain't worth the price.

 

and babe, as you hear me repeat time after time, you deserve better.

 

but once again, if you were leading your relationship adventures with your head and not your heart, you would be able to stop this pattern of continuing to love a man who places so little value on you. i wrote a long post tonight (long? imagine that) to someone and i told her how important it is to watch for the red flags in the dating process... liv, you have seen enough, and you know it. and he continues to manipulate you - and this should make you one hot momma.

 

but you are crying at sad songs and you are still consumed by him.

 

nice work for a not-so-smart manipulator...

these guys, i tell ya... even the dumb ones sure can do some damage...

 

let his pattern of disrespect be your anger spark - and get angry... and turn the stupid radio off. you should be so angry at him because you are worth so much more than this, and any attempts to contact you now should be out of the question.

 

but you allow him to come to DC to see you... to see you? i would say he came to use you. and this is the mind set you should have. and if you tell me you had sex with him, i will explode.

 

so let me settle down and change gears...

 

your perceived paranoia. drop the chalk, honey, it wasn't that. it was your intuition, and thank god you have it. we all have it, but a woman's intuition, from what i have seen, can save her. you were right on the money when you sensed something - this tells me that you are further along than most women, because this internal tool is working. and it is among those internal tools that i keep yappin' about that women must have to navigate the relationship waters and be protected... so pat yourself on the back for this - you took that sensation and found out you were right. now take the focus off DoubleTrouble and concentrate on sharpening those other female tools that all you babes have - they are there to protect you. but you ain't got enough.

 

So it is time to get to work. notice the patterns and how they continue. notice how much this guy has sucked from you, including what self-esteem you do have. focus on his manipulation, not a sad love song. find friends who know this deal and help them keep you angry. if folks care about you and know you want to change, they will feel empowered and will jump at the chance to see you grow and get happy. grab a gay guy if you know one and show him this post - tell my brother i said we got work to do. print this post and make it keep you angry. email me if you get weak and i will rake you over the coals and get you worked up into an angry lather.

 

Remember that your past patterns do not have to define your future - and your post tells me that you want to change your future. and liv, love has nothing to do with this situation - value does. and you need to focus on your value so you will be stronger. you deserve it you deserve it you deserve it.

 

sweetie, your love has delivered two betrayals, years of uncertainty, and unnecessary heartache. and this affects your self-esteem and value, and you do not have any to waste... and the clock keeps ticking. it's time to seek a higher level of love, sweetie, and you must grow.

 

Decide that your value dictates you take a new direction with him - you may not believe it right now, and that's ok - you have to tell yourself this to get him out of the picture so you can get to work - and if you do not get him out of the picture, you cannot grow. so it is time to look in the mirror. you have a decision to make. stay the course and keep gettin what you are gettin, or change and morph into the type of woman who oozes confidence and who knows how to seek a higher level of men.

 

and just like Loreal, you're worth it.

 

tell DoubleTrouble that you have made the decision that you are worth more than his manipulation and blatant disrespect. And tell him that as a result of your decision, he is not worthy of you, you see him clearly now, and you are actually quite busy these days, so this is the end of your connection. (you are getting him out of the way so you can get to work on yourself, but don't tell him this... "busy these days" will make him think you are seeing somebody, or at least he won't know what the heck you are talking about - my str8 guy friends always tell me that vague references like this from women drive them crazy - remember, you are much smarter than males, and all you gotta do is tap into your power and use it to your advantage.)

 

So leave him hanging and close the door. And once you close the door, you better not open it up to him again. Don't make me get on my broom. Imagine how I am in person.

 

The days of doubting yourself and this relationship should end.

The days of becoming the woman you deserve to be should start.

 

and angel, remember the second line of your post:

 

"i thought i found my true love."

 

you sure thought you did, but you didn't. and it painfully obvious to me, and it needs to be painfully obvious to you. and you deserve a true love, and he is out there...

 

so get to work so you can find him.

[livingthelife]

Red Flag Rick:

I was thrilled to see your post..

 

I wasnt clear in my post. Double trouble was my shoulder to lean on when another "ex" had cheated on me... nonetheless....you are right..

 

I get your message... I am trying to be angry... !!!!!

 

I tried to email you but I cant seem to figure out how I did it in the first place...

I need your help and hope that you are willing to help me.. '

 

Please let me know if you will be my anchor

 

You give great advice....

Liv

[Red Flag Rick]

i am as close as a private message on this board, or an email... my email is my screen name with no spaces and i live at aol dot com. and i will help you any way i can - i have just reviewed responses from other folks to the original poster in one of my threads that only solidifies my perspective that there sure are some whacked out views when it comes to humans conjuring up excuses for their life choices. i personally know there is a better way, and all i can do is tell folks what worked for me and hope something in my journey will work for them...

 

so sweetie, you are so far ahead of so many others, so don't beat yourself up in the days to come... and i will try to give you the best advice i can give.

 

let's go.