I don't know how to get over this one.

[That_girl]

It's been four months since I broke up with him. And I still miss him everyday. I could never admit it to my friends because they pushed me to get rid of him in the first place. Apparently he was emotionally and potentially physically abusive. Oh and yeah he did cheat this one time. But for some reason....it just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm pretty sure I was in love with him...and probably still am.

 

If I asked him to come back he would probably ****ing laugh in my face. He hasn't tried to change my mind, not once. I have to admit, I did expect him to. He insulted me and hurt me really badly on that last night...and I told him I had to say goodbye. It's funny, even though I remember exactly what happened and I know he was gradually tearing my self-esteem apart...I can't feel the gravity of what he did anymore. I don't think I ever did.

 

I guess I was hurt by the cheating, and the constant character assasination, and the posessiveness. But I don't FEEL that anymore. All I feel is a big gaping hole where my heart used to be. I miss this a-hole. He was so beautiful, so sensitive. And definitely scary....he was practically stalking me after he cheated because he wanted me to forgive him so badly. I eventually did, and for the remainder of our time together he smothered the hell out of me....but for some reason it didn't really feel like he wanted ME. I think he just wanted someone to control. And I actually cared about him, I still fantasize about him. He's probably much much happier without me, and I can't stand it.

 

I just want these feelings to go away. I've been obsessing about this since I broke up with him and I thought it would have been better by now. I tried seeing new people and nothing seems to work. I had an easier time after my last break-up and I was with that person for 3 years....and he was actually a good guy. Why is this one so painful? I can't seem to forget him. AND I CAN'T STAND IT.

 

Not that he would take me back, but obviously going back to him is probably not a good idea. I remember him smacking his fist in my face one time during an argument. He would have eventually gotten physical with me. LOGICALLY, this all makes sense...he's a bad bet, I get it. But why don't I hate him, or at least not feel such a strong attraction to him anymore? Our relationship was more intense than any other I've ever had and it only lasted 6 months. This is torture. Truly...

[TheVSilent]

I am sorry to see you are in such pain. When you broke up with him, did you stay in contact or completely drop him and try to move on? I was dumped by my ex because I too was abusive, emotionally, and she dumped me and that is what it took for me to realize what I REALLY was doing and I have since went to counseling and changed my ways. These devistating things, I wish we could just give them another chance, but I am coming to terms that I had my chance and it was over, much like he has his and you couldn't take it anymore.

 

I was just curious to see that you dumped him and still miss him, it isn't often the case when being emotionally abused.

[smudge21]

It is a mystery but we do seem to want those that are bad for us rather than those that are good for us. Maybe it's the belief we can change them, or it's the challenge aspect that we all crave. I don't know. I do know I've chased the bad girls and ignored the good girls in my past, so know exactly how you feel. In fact, I remember the ones that were bad for me more than I remember the ones that were good.

 

Your friends were right that he was wrong for you, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to still have feelings for him. You've put this guy on a pedestal and it's going to take time to get him off it. You're not alone in that respect. For some 4 months is a long time, but there are people who still have that emotional bond well over a year. The fact is, there is no time limit for healing, it happens when it happens. Just accept you feel this way now and that you need time to heal, however long it takes. You can't force yourself to get over someone, it just happens.

[reimeivn]

4 months over the summer is not a long time at all. you dont meet enough people, to me everybody is gone, lots of them are happy on vacation, and you feel lonely. also, its the wedding season. so give yourself sometimes, just try to fake it on the outside.

[That_girl]

Thank you for the replies. I am trying to fake it, but I'm a very open person so my friends do get upset now whenever I mention him.

They were mutual friends of his too, but don't talk to him anymore and definitely don't want to hear about him anymore.

 

I think the reason I've been feeling even crappier lately is because I did go to see a psychic and she told me that a rageful ex boyfriend was about to come back into my life. Since he's the only one in that time frame, and since she was right about everything else that has already transpired....she kind of got my hopes up. Unfortunately.

[ashez92]

It's been four months since I broke up with him. And I still miss him everyday. I could never admit it to my friends because they pushed me to get rid of him in the first place. Apparently he was emotionally and potentially physically abusive. Oh and yeah he did cheat this one time. But for some reason....it just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm pretty sure I was in love with him...and probably still am.

 

If I asked him to come back he would probably ****ing laugh in my face. He hasn't tried to change my mind, not once. I have to admit, I did expect him to. He insulted me and hurt me really badly on that last night...and I told him I had to say goodbye. It's funny, even though I remember exactly what happened and I know he was gradually tearing my self-esteem apart...I can't feel the gravity of what he did anymore. I don't think I ever did.

 

I guess I was hurt by the cheating, and the constant character assasination, and the posessiveness. But I don't FEEL that anymore. All I feel is a big gaping hole where my heart used to be. I miss this a-hole. He was so beautiful, so sensitive. And definitely scary....he was practically stalking me after he cheated because he wanted me to forgive him so badly. I eventually did, and for the remainder of our time together he smothered the hell out of me....but for some reason it didn't really feel like he wanted ME. I think he just wanted someone to control. And I actually cared about him, I still fantasize about him. He's probably much much happier without me, and I can't stand it.

 

I just want these feelings to go away. I've been obsessing about this since I broke up with him and I thought it would have been better by now. I tried seeing new people and nothing seems to work. I had an easier time after my last break-up and I was with that person for 3 years....and he was actually a good guy. Why is this one so painful? I can't seem to forget him. AND I CAN'T STAND IT.

 

Not that he would take me back, but obviously going back to him is probably not a good idea. I remember him smacking his fist in my face one time during an argument. He would have eventually gotten physical with me. LOGICALLY, this all makes sense...he's a bad bet, I get it. But why don't I hate him, or at least not feel such a strong attraction to him anymore? Our relationship was more intense than any other I've ever had and it only lasted 6 months. This is torture. Truly...

 

 

I couldnt have explained my relationship with my ex any better than you just did. We were together for 13 years. He wanted someone to control yet he cheated all the time and was abusive and had a way of making me belive everything he said. Why dont I hate him? Why cant I get over it? We have been broken up almost a year, see each other off and on and no he changed his number so i couldnt call him if I wanted to, no contact in 3 weeks straight, thats a long time for someone that was there everyday for 13 years. I want to know how he is doing. I dont care who he is with and that we are broke up, I miss my best friend he though he was the biggest a hole in the world, I still care about him like a family member, and it just feels like he died. What do I do to make it feel better?

[Thieves]

I had an easier time after my last break-up and I was with that person for 3 years....and he was actually a good guy. Why is this one so painful?

 

He was a good guy, yes, but was he completely and totally the one for you? Did he make you go crazy over him, and feel totally in love? In dating, we have people we're very compatible with, and people who we feel as if we could spend our lives with them. A.k.a., people we go crazy over.

 

But why don't I hate him, or at least not feel such a strong attraction to him anymore?

 

I know why! Because:

He was so beautiful, so sensitive.

 

and because...

 

and for the remainder of our time together he smothered the hell out of me....

 

and finally, because:

 

Our relationship was more intense than any other I've ever had and it only lasted 6 months.

 

This is why. It doesn't matter if it only lasted 6 months. Unfortunately 6 months of intense, confusing love can mean more to a person than 3 years of nice, decent, acceptable love. Because those 6 months truly stirred your emotions inside the most and made an impact on you. Until you find someone who is equally as beautiful, sensitive, smothers you (a.k.a., genuinely makes you feel very important and loved), and equally intense as this relationship with your (abusive) ex, you could be stuck in this rut for a little while. Keyword: Could. Meaning (good news here!) you still have the power to change this situation and grow into a healthy person who only accepts healthy relationships with men. If you give it time, you'll be able to find someone with all of those qualities your ex had, BUT, without all the potential abuse and cheating. But most of all, please know that it's most likely not him you're still in love with, it's the fantastic and intense way he made you feel during the relationship that you miss. Be honest with yourself. He's the last person you felt this way with, so your mind and heart is naturally going to project this type of love you want onto him. Not necessarily because it's him you want.

 

And 4 months is not that far when it comes to healing. I'm on year two, but I am most definitely 1,000x better than where I used to be. I can now see more clearly why things didn't work out and more importantly why they shouldn't have. You have to give it time, which means... no more dating until you've accepted that your ex didn't work and you've become comfortable with yourself again.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Thieves